Whilst I do understand and appreciate the intent to Season 8, along with the nuanced writing and the developments we see, I have to admit I am finding it a challenge and am looking forward to a resolution (mostly because I want to see how it resolves ) The below are just my ramblings, or my take if you will, on what is going through Elizabeth's head, to try and help take my mind off the fact that we only have two episodes to go and I have to wait patiently for them…which is definitely NOT my strong suit.
I had been thinking about fire a lot lately. Whilst my thoughts felt scattered, and not a lot was making sense, along with what felt like on-edge relationships straining my thoughts further, I realised I was not at all myself. And in reflecting on things, as unbelievable as it might sound, fire seemed to be helping in the most unexpected way…
In re-opening my heart, and in the variety of experiences being encountered, I feel I am better able to appreciate and understand the nuances of relationships and how different they can be, and how that can be a good thing moving forward. I was realising, in working through these scattered thoughts and feelings, that things don't always have to be the way they were with Jack, and that whilst there can be intense feelings in play, there is a significant difference between caring for someone, loving someone and being in love.
When I had first came to Hope Valley, or Coal Valley as it was known then, and burnt down the teacherage, I remember that fire starting so quickly, and how it consumed the entire building with what felt like an inevitable purpose. It burnt so swiftly, so brightly, and then just ended when it felt like it could have gone on forever with its intensity.
That is how I was coming to feel about Jack. He had captured my heart so rapidly, so completely, and our love had burnt so intensely, just like that fire. I truly feel Jack's love for me was absolute, however I am also realising that his duty as a Mountie would have always had an impact on our marriage, as it did on our relationship right up until his unexpected death.
Living on the frontier, everyone was aware of the danger of ember fires. They can feel like a constant barrage of sparks, and they have the potential to light up your life just like the lanterns Lucas had surprised the town with at the Christmas festival. However, the danger with ember fires is that whilst their effects can be wide-ranging, they are generally superficial and will only take purchase where there is the prospect of being fanned into a genuine flame.
Lucas had, from our first meeting, felt a little like an ember shower to me. It feels like he has been an active presence in my life, showering me with thoughtful surprises, gifts and being a major force in being able to establish the town library. He inspired me with my writing, giving me critical feedback and even sending chapters to his mother without my permission. He constantly impelled our relationship with words and actions, even whilst remaining patient when I informed him I would need to move slowly.
I really enjoy spending time with Lucas, and do genuinely care for him. He is very charming, thoughtful and easy to be with, and with many mutual interests conversation flows easily, and there were sparks at times. Nevertheless, I have always felt with Lucas that there was something holding me back, and with my clarity of thought, I feel I am now coming to understand the trouble I was having in determining exactly what that might be.
Then there is the type of fire most often overlooked, and consistently underrated. The steady burn of the constant everyday fire, without which, life would not be the same. They can be deceptive and no two start the same. Some go up in a blaze of glory and settle into beatific domesticity, while others may start slowly and the flames are fanned with regular adding of kindling and tinder until you can't imagine what life would be like without them. They provide blissful radiant heat and do have the potential to burn, just like all types of fire, but with constant care they will not consume life, simply make it richer and warmer.
We don't always know when we will need this fire, or sometimes we can convince ourselves it is not necessary in our lives…yet. Eventually though, we come to understand that the time has come, and accept that in order for us to live our best lives, that the fire will not only be beneficial, it feels necessary to our very existence.
Even though I have been resisting from the start and honestly, in the beginning, so was he, I am starting to believe Nathan is my constant. I had been dreading the appointment of a new Mountie, and was so apprehensive to meet him, yet our initial meeting went well and I had walked away feeling uplifted, even hopeful for our new Mountie presence in town. As time went on, I came to understand that whilst he could be reserved, he could also be open with me and I greatly admired his relationship with Allie. Neither of us shied away from the difficult conversations, both unafraid to voice our opinions and we seemed to actively seek each other out. We both seemed to feel that constant burn, consciously or unconsciously, but were resistant – he possibly because of his secret, and me due to denying the depth of my feeling, and then I now believe, out of fear of the intensity once realised.
As things progressed, I felt the pull towards Nathan grow, and honestly, Allie and the family we could have together. When I thought Nathan had been shot, whilst it clarified my feelings, it also exacerbated the loss of Jack and my outstanding grief. Watching him come and go with his Mountie duties brought up a strong hesitance to suffer through loss again. The shooting scare seemed to do the opposite for Nathan, propelling him towards settling down and declaring himself openly to me, which scared me all the more. In that moment, and the ones that followed, whilst I could never deny his feelings, or my own, I did the only thing I could to protect my heart in walking away, even though it devastated me to do so.
In some ways, I wish I had been brave enough then to ask him what he was holding onto as things might have been so different. I do have to believe though, that things happen for a reason.
I have also realised, in Nathan finally revealing what he had been holding back about Fort Clay, it has allowed us to fully clear the air between us, and me to work through the residual grief I had been unconsciously holding on to, regarding the senseless accident that had taken Jack's life.
Talking to Katie about Ned and Florence, and then also talking to Ned about my conversation with Katie, I became aware that I was not taking my own advice. In fact, I was studiously avoiding it. The lucidity that had come from these conversations started me thinking about whether it would be enough in avoiding a relationship to protect my heart, to avoid the hurt that would come should the worst happen again. Or, would it possibly make it worse in knowing the hurt was there and multiplied by missing out on the joy of the relationship that could have been. The appreciation that in denying my feelings for Nathan and the absence of the constant burn has felt like there is always something missing, and you are invariably looking for it, even when other fires may be available to provide warmth.
This, along with the distance in my relationship with Rosemary, due to my deplorable behaviour when Rosemary was only doing what she had always done in being a very good friend, have cleared my thoughts somewhat. Rosemary has never been anything but supportive and unfailing honest, and only wants the best for me, and I reacted so badly because I wasn't ready to hear what she had to say. I must remember that it is important to acknowledge that whilst not proud of my actions, we have all done something we regret to someone we love at some point in our lives. The actions I now take are the important ones. Even though it may not be an easy fix, Rosemary is definitely worth the time and effort.
In talking to Nathan after the wedding, I could not only see, but feel his relief in my explaining I didn't blame him for Jack's death. When he reached for my hands, I recognise I didn't hesitate in taking his and it felt so right to do so, even though I am technically still seeing Lucas. Whilst I could rationalise this as a moment of comfort due to the extreme nature of the conversation, I do comprehend there is more to it than that, and there are further active considerations in play.
I guess one thing to remember is that with any kind of fire, there is always an initial spark, with the relevant conditions determining what kind of blaze is going to come of it. We can't always control the blaze, and sometimes, the blaze will control us. My newfound clarity is helping me with the reality of understanding my feelings for both men, and that there is a difference between caring, loving someone and being in love.
I have never wanted to hurt anyone; however, I do understand, especially now, that my actions have and continue to do so. I guess the question is, how do I progress now, mitigating the hurt, whilst remaining true to my feelings? Am I brave enough and do I finally have the courage to follow my heart?