Notes: After the end of episode 3x21, Like A Redheaded Stepchild.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never was, never will be.
Just Like in The Movies
I stand there for I don't know how long. The taste of his lips on mine is lingering, and I'm not really sure what to do. At some point, tears started streaming down my face, and I don't even know why. I'm not upset. I'm not angry. I'm not sad.
You see, the problem is, I'm still in love with you.
Why did he have to come and say that to me? I would have never looked back otherwise! I know that he's just trying to be honest, but I needed him to lie to me. More than anything. I needed to stick to my lie.
Hold on. I'm not trying to win you back.
Ha. Not trying to win me back, he says. I almost want to scream. Not trying to win me back?! What did he think that I was going to do with this information?! Forget it? Because that's not an option, and I know that he knows that. Wayne is too smart not to.
You're marrying a good man, and that's not going to change. But neither am I.
Of all times to tell me this, he picks now?! Is he trying to hurt me, trying to make me feel guilty, trying to make my hidden affections for him resurface?! Ah, ah, ah! Now I've done it and caught myself. My hidden affections? Since when where they hidden?
The whole thing where we pretend that we're just friends? It-it doesn't work.
At that point in the conversation, he was intentionally avoiding eye-contact with me. What does he mean, 'it doesn't work?' I ask the question, but deep down I know that it's silly. I know that he still loves me.
I don't know what will work…
Work? Does he want to know what will and won't work? From me? Fine, well then, here it is. I already knew that his feelings for me hadn't changed, and up until now, I've been able to tell myself that it was really nothing. Those long glances, the smiles, the hugs, the lengthy talks that helped me through a hard day, even relationship advice! All of that was because we were just friends, right? I was so stupid to lie to myself.
But I know one thing. I can't watch you marry another man.
Oh, that may be, Wayne, but what do you want me to do? I never wanted us to end, but I did what I had to. I did what I had to, to keep you around me, because I need you! That's what I want to tell him. That's what I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Stars! The way that he leaned down to kiss me was so sweet, and now I don't know what to do.
My legs still feel like jelly, and I think that if I try to take a step, I'll fall.
You have a good day.
From anyone else, who didn't just kiss me and caress my face like I am made of glass, that's a nice thing to say. But coming from him? No, that was a condemnation. He does not approve. I don't even approve! So why am I doing this to myself?!
Why does this feel like a ten-thousand-pound weight on my chest? Why can't I breathe? Why can't I deny that what he said isn't true? Why isn't this working?
And a good life.
Does that mean that he's done? Done trying with me? It's funny. This is what I tell myself that I want, and now that he's finally given in and walked away, I feel like I'm going to die. A good life? How am I supposed do that now? What does he want from me?
A good life.
How do I have a good life when I love them both? Craig. Wayne.
When I really look at it, it all comes down to who I love more. I have to choose, but that's so hard to do. It's like trying to choose a favorite child. I know that neither of them are children, but that's what this feels like to me. I've tried to tell myself that Wayne and I simply can't be together, and for a while that worked.
But not anymore. There are ways for us to be together, and I've just been lying to myself. I have to stop this. I have to stop this cycle of lies, and I have to make a choice. It's going to hurt, because each of them has half of my heart. But I can't have both, and I can't live like this anymore.
I have to make a choice, and it is then that my heart will stop betraying me. I have to make a choice, and it is then that I will stop being caught up in my lie. I need to stop this, now more than ever.
I remember when I was a child, that I always like watching movies. In my teens, I turned my liking to movies in which the heroine would get caught up in some devious plot—weather intentional or not—and she would be forced to chose between two men, both of whom she loved.
I loved those movies.
But now I am her, and I don't like it as much. Now I wish that this would all stop, because I don't want to choose, and I don't want to have to. I don't want this to be like in the movies, but still here I am.
In a drama act.