To have a name after being "Levi - just Levi" for decades was a strange thing. That this name was Ackerman was even stranger. But the most fucked up of all things was getting a name - and not understanding what it meant.
Levi put his hands behind his head and leaned back to stare up at the fancy snow-white plastering. Kenny's death still disturbed him, which was disturbing in itself. He hadn't even liked the bastard that had turned out to be his uncle, no - he had hated him. But he now realized that Kenny had held a strange power over him all these years, just by abandoning him in the Underground one day without a warning, making Levi desperate to understand why he wasn't good enough.
Fucking ridiculous.
He had tried every day in his fucked-up childhood to make Kenny realize his mistake. He had tried to impress the likes of Annika for the same reason. Why? Because the heart of a child needed someone to praise it, to form it, to cherish it. One kind word. One encouragement. It would have made all the difference. And he had not gotten it because Kenny felt unfit to be a parent?
Tch.
What sentimental bullshit this early in the morning... or whatever time it was. In the end, people died miserably anyway, cherished or not. It was quite pointless.
"All people live for the same purpose, need something to keep them going: booze, women, God, family, the King, dreams, children, power; everyone, even Uri, was a slave to something. What is it that you want, Levi?"
To lie around in bed and forget this shit, that's what he wanted. Not having to constantly think about what being an Ackerman signified. A week ago, it had gotten so bad he had almost attempted to trick Mikasa into talking about her family again! But the Sullen One with the same surname had been too wrapped up in silent jealousy because Eren and Queen Historia had had a long and animated chat about, as Levi guessed, the burden of being important to humanity.
He'd return to the orphanage later this week, Levi decided, the wholesome image of pastures over which the air shimmered in the heat of the day making him smile a little, just to check whether things were still going smoothly. It was impossible for one little girl to run an estate this big even if she was a Queen - he needed to talk to her about hiring help. And protection. He had to talk to Erwin about that too, he was of the opinion that the MP should station a large enough detail out there in case… well, in case.
Recent events proved once again that almost all humans were scumbags and Queen Historia was very important even if she had put all the responsibility to govern into the military's hands.
She was also the last of the Reiss and Levi hoped…
CRASH.
Levi jumped. The redheaded woman beside him jerked awake and squealed as the door was slammed so hard against the wall it dislocated a bit of plaster up above.
"Here you are," Hanji said, narrowing her eyes at him. "Up, soldier, we have an important meeting."
Moblit's anxious face briefly appeared behind her but her lapdog ducked away with an apologetic shrug when he met Levi's eyes.
"Good morning to you too, Squad Leader Hange," Levi drawled.
"It's not morning, Levi," she retorted, putting her hands on her hips, her countenance darkening further as she glanced at the disarray of clothes on the floor. Then, she acknowledged Levi's gawking companion for the first time, her voice taking on a more amiable though clearly forced tone.
"I am very sorry to disturb what I'm sure must have been a very pleasurable time but Captain Levi here is needed in the assembly room ten minutes ago. He seems to have forgotten."
"What the fuck!" the woman moaned and dived under the sheets, her cheeks burning with embarrassment. "It's crazy Hange," she murmured miserably, "of all people."
Crazy Hange was in a very foul mood, Levi had no difficulty to recognize. She radiated open hostility. Whether his fault or not, they obviously were still not on good speaking terms. He had hoped that not seeing each other for a week would fix the recent issues between them but apparently not.
"Turn around," he told Hanji.
"Why?" she lifted her eyebrows challengingly.
Fine, he didn't care. Levi got up from the bed, stretched, and began collecting his clothes. It was very satisfying to notice Hanji's cheeks redden from the corner of his eyes. But of course, the woman wouldn't look away. Too stubborn. Too fucking proud to back down.
"Have you really forgotten the meeting?" she asked him in a low voice as he pulled on his pants. "We were looking all over the royal residence for you."
Levi shrugged. Maybe he had. Maybe he just had not wanted to go. Whatever.
"What's going on with you?"
"It's my free time," he complained. "I'm free to spend my free time any way I want, am I not?"
"By staying in bed all day? It's not like you."
"Ah yeah?" he buttoned his shirt with swift efficiency. "Says who."
She frowned at him.
"Maybe you just don't know me that well, Hanji," he said, tucking his shirt into his trousers.
"Maybe I know you too well," she replied quietly. She bent down to pick up his ascot.
She snatched it from her hand and began binding it around his neck. She had a point. They had gotten too close. It had been brief, just a few days out of many years serving together - but it was impossible to pretend it hadn't happened. He had worked hard every day to free himself from his bloodline impulse towards her just to prove that he could. Some days it was easy. Some days it wasn't.
No, scratch that: it was never easy.
But the recent events that had upended their world had made it easier. Revelation after revelation in quick succession and a coup d'état finally freeing them from the meddling of the nobility - they had been very busy. Also busy dealing with deaths over deaths, he thought wryly. There was a lot of pain waiting in that direction of thinking but he didn't allow himself to mourn. His entire squad: wiped out. Mike's entire squad: wiped out. Hange's squad: just her and Moblit left. It could bring a man to deep despair, this dying away of comrades - because it was all too clear where it would end. There was always the same question plaguing him if he let it: What if they were wrong? What if Eren wasn't worth it?
He shrugged into his jacket. Hanji held out his belt to him. Levi refused to take it but went over to his boots instead, arranged neatly underneath a chair. No, it was never easy. They had gotten too close and she had seen him at his weakest, most useless and most emotional. It embarrassed him. She also knew what he was - her father had told her. She was smart enough to understand what it meant, of course.
If only he understood what it meant too.
Even if he knew it wasn't real, it felt raw and real to him, still, after so many years. His heart yearned for it, a hollow, miserable feeling attached to a powerful memory of closeness. It frightened him to find that he still had the soft heart of a child at his age, needing praise. And… love.
The most miserable of all miserable and pointless emotions. When they had made the Ackermans the king's dogs, had they bred the need to love and be loved into them?
Hanji bent down to help him fasten his belt. Too close. Too fucking close.
"Don't touch me," he snapped and ripped it from her hand, stepping away.
She looked up at him with those amber eyes that haunted his dreams. Once, they had always exactly shown what she was feeling. Not anymore. She was so much better than him at maintaining a distance. But of course... It was him with that doomed name, Ackerman, the king's warrior slave dogs, not her.
"Fine," she said, backing away too. "I'll be waiting outside. But hurry the fuck up."
###
"Military police? Really?" Hanji snarked as they hurried along the corridors with Moblit trailing behind. "You've lowered your standards."
It took Levi a second to realize what she was referring to. Had to be the woman in his bed. The woman called… Xenia? Something like it.
"I didn't check," he replied curtly. There were so many and it didn't matter in the slightest if they wore uniform or which uniform it was - if it wasn't a Survey Corps one.
"None of my business, you're right," she murmured.
Did a pathetic part of him hope she was jealous? Unfortunately, yes. But it didn't give him any satisfaction. It was himself who suffered every single time Hanji disappeared with someone, man or woman. Mike was dead, Nanaba was dead, people he had respected and cherished, giving his jealousy a conciliatory flavor at least. Now it was people whose names he didn't even know, random people, used and soon forgotten. He hated every one of them.
"Yes, none of your business," he agreed grimly.
"At least remember our meetings next time," she added after a few seconds. "I was worried."
Tch.
"Do you fear Titans could be roaming the palace?" he scoffed.
"No," she replied with a loaded side glance. "But I think you're not at all okay."
Levi was about to make a snide remark when a bunch of soldiers appeared in the half-open gallery ahead. Levi frowned: Eren and his gang. They were back? He really hadn't kept track of time well it seemed.
"Captain Levi!" Eren said a little breathlessly as they approached. "And Hanji-san, I hear we're prepping for a mission?"
They were? Levi looked at Hanji for cues, but she was busy gazing at the group of brat soldiers with true affection. A mission - the mission? Hell. What day was it?
"We'll see, we'll see," Hanji said a little cryptically, bending forward to look Eren in the eyes. "How's that strength of yours?"
"Fully recovered," Eren claimed, straightening his back. Training his hardening ability had brought him to the brink of complete exhaustion, after which Levi had taken the whole group out to the orphanage to relax and help Queen Historia. Frankly, any excuse to go there was fine. He had helped her set up the scheme and to see so many orphans from the underground be this happy was… sentimentality again, urgh, what was wrong with him? Eren had mastered his hardening ability. Levi hadn't. His heart was soft and weak and he hated it.
"Doing nothing all day while others labor will help with that," Kirstein grumbled.
"Eating potatoes all day helps with that," Sasha Blouse nodded knowingly.
"Captain Levi, Queen Historia sends her regards," Connie began patting his uniform jacket, "and this… message… where did I put it? Shit."
"In your left sock?" Sasha suggested.
"Oh. How… how did you know that?" Hopping around on one leg, Connie fished it out and held it out to Levi.
"You want me to take a note you had in your left sock for… how many days?" Levi shuddered.
"Oh," Connie put the note to his nose and sniffed. "No, it's fine, don't worry, Captain."
Levi took the piece of paper between two outstretched fingers, trying to touch it as little as possible when he unfolded it.
"I have something to discuss with you, Captain," Queen Historia had scribbled down hastily, "come as soon as you can."
Levi frowned at the note and turned it around once to see whether he had missed something - nope.
"Trouble?" Hanji asked quietly.
Levi shook his head and put the note into his breast pocket. Or was it?
"We are to relocate to the Headquarters in Trost," Armin told them, "but Commander Erwin said it's fine to have a look at the inner city before we go."
"It's quite something, isn't it?" Hanji smiled. "Make sure to have a look at the public gardens south of here, the flowers are a miracle at this time of the year!"
Flowers? Tch. Levi pulled a face but the youngest members of the Survey Corps were already beginning to chatter excitedly about where to go in the few hours they had at their disposal. All of them except for Mikasa who always looked like she was in a world of her own. A world that started and ended with Eren.
If Levi had had any doubts about what he had learned about his bloodline, it would have been wiped away by what he saw between Mikasa and Eren for sure. An imprint, plain and obvious. Eren: a person oblivious to Mikasa's plight. Mikasa: a person unable to escape her programming.
Maybe it was a blessing that Hanji had been told before it could get much worse. It helped him save face and not make a complete fool of himself.
"Then I guess… we'll see you at Trost?" Eren asked, sounding a little insecure as he looked at Levi.
As if you need my permission to do anything, Levi thought with a flash of irritation and was about to snap something at this boy who held their entire hope hidden in his body when Hanji put a hand on his arm and pressed it.
"We'll see you at Trost," she agreed. "But enjoy yourselves today!"
Yeah, you better, Levi thought darkly. It could be your last chance.
###
"So?" Darius Zackly asked once they were all assembled in one of the rooms he used for government affairs, "have you figured out what's in that vial?"
The syringe in its metal case with red padding was on the table before them, twinkling innocently in the artificial light. Had it been this serum the Panther had wanted Levi to remember? Maybe. Maybe not.
Hanji hadn't figured out what it was. She was angry with herself and overall pissed off not to have the necessary technology to do it properly. She talked about it being some kind of human bodily fluid - disgusting - that evaporated quickly on contact with air. Whoever made it had technology vastly superior to theirs.
Technology superior to theirs existed somewhere. Parts of what they had retrieved from the Anti-Personnel Control Squad weapons' arsenal proved it. And Queen Historia had no clue how the Reiss family had come to possess these vials with the serum in it.
No clue. That was exactly it, they had no clue. And worse - the last Reiss, almost the last Ackermans... the mysteries of their heritage were about to die out with them. Hanji's scientific frustration mirrored Levi's more personal one. They had taken so many steps closer to that wall that separated them from the knowledge they craved - but what did they really know?
A quick agreement was reached that Hanji should stop experimenting with the liquid so that they could at least try to use it during an opportune time. Turning a human being into a Titan willfully… Levi shuddered. It was an utterly revolting idea.
"Would you take it, Erwin?" Zackly asked.
Levi felt instantly queasy when Erwin replied that his days as a soldier were over. It wasn't that it hadn't been obvious before - a maimed soldier had no place on the battlefield. But hearing their Commander say it out loud changed something Levi had rather not wanted to acknowledge just yet. Erwin was a winner, if not the winner of the recent political upheaval. His Survey Corps was stronger than ever, its purpose undeniable. Erwin was a winner - but not the same as before, never again. And yet, it made Levi anxious to see the fire in him burning brighter every day, so bright it looked like it was about to consume him. Erwin reminded Levi of those fanatics from the Church of the Walls who would rather have all their fingernails pulled than go against their principles. It wouldn't end well. Without Erwin, they'd be truly fucked.
"The box should be entrusted to one of our strongest soldiers with the best odds of survival," Erwin said with the usual gravitas.
Levi straightened.
"Levi, can I ask you to take it?"
"If you're giving me an order, just say so," Levi replied. "Why are you making it a question?"
Because he is giving me a choice, Levi answered his own question, studying Erwin's stoic face. This burden - he did not want it. Knowing that it was on him to make the decision who could take it or on whom to use it… no. But it's not really a choice, is it, Erwin? They had become friends over the years, however unlikely that was given certain events in the past. There were few people Levi trusted as much as Erwin. Trusted him to always do the best for humanity whatever the cost. If Erwin wanted to give this burden to him… then he would accept this burden.
"I'll do it," Levi said, snapped the metal case shut and put it in his pocket.
His hand slowly warmed the cold metal while the others tried to dissuade Zackly from exhibiting his "art" in public. Given that the underground had given him his fair experience of disgusting fetishes, Levi soon stopped listening to their chatter and thought of how the orphanage could be expanded instead.
"Levi?" Erwin asked some time later, pulling him out of his reverie.
"Yes?" Levi cleared his throat. Everyone was looking at him expectantly.
"You'll go?"
"Go… where?"
"Hange needs a lock-pick to accompany her to her family's mansion today."
Hanji nodded, her eyes guarded as she looked at Levi.
"We need to get all the information we can from there," Erwin explained in an attempt to alleviate Levi's obvious confusion, "last time we tried to recover important documents, we found too many locked doors and cabinets."
"A lock-pick."
"Why, are you out of practice?" Hanji asked him snippily.
"No need for practice," Levi retorted. "It's in my blood. Like everything else. Don't you know?"
###
The Hange mansion stood dark and empty - all the servants had been let go weeks ago when Council Hange and his family had left the capital like other noble families. Rather miraculously, the old fox had managed not to be implicated in any of the nobility's dirty schemes and after "donating" a substantial junk of his fortune, he had been allowed to retire to one of his country seats without further punishment.
There was no way Council Hange had not known every single detail about the Walls and the royal Titan that erased people's memories, Levi was certain about it. More than likely that he knew much more - Hanji seemed to expect so too.
Nonetheless, being in this vast, empty building was creeping him out. It wasn't the thick dust and the cobwebs in the hallways, that just made Levi's nose twitch. No… it was a strange feeling that he was surprised to recognize as fear. He went up the wide stairs after Hanji with no obvious hesitation but only because he managed to subdue the part of him that wanted to turn around and flee.
"That's the library," Hanji pointed at a large double door. "He installed a better lock. I used to be able to break in here without much of a problem but…"
He held up a hand to silence her as he bent over the lock, illuminating it with one of their new lamps made from the glowing ore they had found underneath the Reiss chapel.
"Hold this," he handed her the lamp, pulling out the spool of wire he had gotten from one of the technicians at the royal residence and started to bring it into the right shape.
"At least it's not Annika," Hanji said rather unexpectedly when he was moving the wire in different directions to test the shape of the lock.
Levi had no answer to that because… what the fuck?
"I haven't seen Annika in weeks. Months, actually," he told her, deciding not to just let that comment hang in the air like some of those other weird things Hanji liked to say.
"That woman today had red hair," Hanji explained. "For a moment, I thought…"
Levi straightened to look at her.
"And?"
Hanji shrugged but said nothing.
Levi shook his head and bent over the lock again. Annika had asked for a transfer to the Interior Military Police after Kenny's death - given her graduation score and overall performance, the petition had been granted speedily by the superiors. He didn't exactly miss her, but it had made her pretty much unavailable to him and his questions about what she knew about his family that he didn't.
"Annika's hair is a different shade of red," he remarked, inserting a second wire.
"You would know."
Levi shook his head again, this time more exasperated. What were they discussing? His taste in women? Of course he knew Annika's hair color well. He had spent a lot of time with her in the underground after all.
"I hadn't even noticed," he said, bending closer to listen to the parts moving inside the lock.
Hanji snorted.
"Hair color doesn't matter in the least to me," Levi explained.
"So I hear," she sounded snippy again.
"Something you don't approve of?" Levi asked and looked at her again.
Hanji just stared at him with eyes that gave away nothing. Levi sighed and went back to his wires. Soon after, the lock clicked.
"In we go," he said and pushed open the doors.
The air in the library was stuffy. Potential mildew, he thought and shuddered. Hanji busied herself with pulling books off the shelves and putting them into different piles after flicking through them. Levi leaned against the door, watching her.
She wouldn't tell him what bothered her. She hadn't weeks ago, she didn't now. But he knew her well enough to be certain that she was very upset with him. On an unprecedented level of upset, even. It couldn't be the women, he had concluded. There had been many over the years. This was more recent. But he couldn't for the life of him understand what he had done wrong?
"Can you open this, please," she said, pointing at a locked drawer in the large desk that occupied one of the walls.
"Certainly, Squad Leader Hange," he said smoothly and went to work.
He continued watching her sift through large piles of documents that she retrieved from the drawer. If she needed help, she should ask him, he decided. This was family business. He wouldn't intrude.
In fact, he'd rather not have to look. He was rather apprehensive that he might find something unpleasant. Something that would take him back to that time when he… a sudden spell of dizziness overcame him and he grabbed the back of a chair hard to steady himself.
"Something the matter?" she looked up from the documents.
He shook his head, but his heart was beating much too fast.
I think you need convincing. Let me make sure that you fully understand.
Starch and lilac, the smell of the new clothes they had put on him. A forbidden book, half eaten by bookworms. A book describing experiments with a serum that turned certain human beings into perfect soldiers. Was it here?
Levi turned around to search the book shelves with his eyes. The palms of his hands were sweaty and he dried them on his trousers. No. No, it wasn't here. Or maybe it was? Why was he so sure he would recognize it? He took a few steps towards the shelves.
"You probably think I'm jealous," Hanji's voice sounded behind him. "But I'm not."
"I don't care," he murmured absentmindedly, "I don't care."
"I'm just trying to understand… who you really are," Hanji continued. "How you were able to fool me for this long. And that got me thinking that Annika… maybe it's her fault."
Levi turned around with a frown - only to find her eyes full of hurt and mistrust. Okay, enough of this. This place brought back nightmares he didn't feel strong enough to deal with today and he wanted to leave as soon as possible.
"It's fucking time you told me what I have done wrong," he said a bit more roughly than he had intended. "I'm getting quite sick of being on a trial without being told my crimes."
Hanji snorted. "You can stop pretending now. I know everything."
Everything… what everything? Levi stared at Hanji's face in the lamplight, feeling more lost by the second.
"Do you deny it? I saw the documents."
"Which… documents?"
Hanji stood up and walked around the desk towards him, a thick carpet swallowing the sound of her steps.
"What you reported to my father over all these years," she pressed out. "About me. About the Survey Corps."
"I didn't…" he shut his mouth and pressed his lips together. Oh, but he had, hadn't he. Fucking great, Council Hange had kept records about their meetings and she had seen them?
"How could you spy on me? How could you report all these details about me?" Hanji's voice quivered precariously. "I trusted you, Levi. I fucking trusted you! I thought we had… we had something special between us, despite… despite..."
"Hanji, I had to give him something but I…"
"But the worst… the absolute worst is that you told them about Eren. He gave you the command to report about the Founder - and you did. We were this close to losing him. This close!"
No. No.
"I haven't told Erwin about it because I… I can't," she began pulling at her hair. "I can't break his heart too. I know how much he values you, to the point where he gives you the means to decide over life and death of your fellow soldiers and I…"
"No!", Levi grabbed her shoulder and shook her. "No, I never told your father about Eren!"
"Let go of me." She slapped his hand away roughly.
"Hanji, you have to believe me. I had no idea what Eren was before you guys pieced it together!"
"Then explain to me how Rodd Reiss knew? How?"
"I… I don't know, he must have… I don't know!"
"Are you sure?"
"What do you mean… yes, I'm sure, of course I'm fucking sure, I…"
"How sure are you he didn't make you tell him?"
How could her voice be so cold when she confronted him with his biggest fear?
"It's there, in the documents, Levi. That he knows how to use you. That you cannot disobey him. He knew you're an Ackerman from the very beginning. He knew what that meant."
"Then fucking tell me what it means," Levi hissed, his sudden forward movement making her back up until her bum hit the desk, "what it means to be an Ackerman. Tell me!"
"Levi, I…"
"Can you even begin to understand what it means to suddenly have a name but it's the name of slaves, of dogs bred for a specific purpose? Tell me if you know. Tell me!"
"I'm sure that we…"
They both froze in unison. Steps. Soft, irregular and sneaking but unmistakable - steps on the stairs. Four, maybe five people?
"Who else knows we're here?" Levi whispered.
Hanji shook her head, her eyes darting around frantically. Levi sniffed. Starch and lilac, the smell of the Hange livery.
"Do we fight them?" he signalled to her with hand signs.
She shook her head again, put her finger to her lips, grabbed the lamp and pulled him towards the shelves. Her hand danced over the wood briefly and with a soft click, a part of the wall shifted. She pushed him inside, not too gentle and closed the passage behind them.
This space behind the shelves was very narrow. So narrow that Hanji stood pressed up with her back against him, quivering slightly from suppressed nerves or excitement or both.
The sweetest Hanji-smell filled Levi's nostrils. He breathed in greedily, leaning forward a little. Her breath hitched.
She stood too close. Altogether too close. He… couldn't stop himself. His lips brushed against the tender flesh underneath her left ear, nuzzled her earlobe.
"Levi…," she whispered with a shudder that seemed to shake her entire body.
Say it again. My name. Like this. Only like this. Let's pretend... I'm Levi, just Levi.