Post-ep oneshot for Organized Crime season 1, episode 4
Don't expect everything to be resolved in this one little story. This is just to tie us over until May 13 :)
Olivia Benson sighs. She feels like she's on a never-ending rollercoaster ride. First, Elliot comes crashing back into her life, and before she even has a chance to get mad at him, his life turns into a tragedy. And so she's pushed down her own emotions to support him. Up to a point anyway, because she still tries to keep her distance emotionally. She's not ready for relaxed chit chat about his life in Rome or about her son. She can't just pick up where they left off after ten years of nothing. He's hurt her too deeply and she's changed over time. She doesn't deny or hide what she's feeling as much as she used to anymore and right now, she knows that as long as he is grieving, she can't demand answers from him. And without answers he's not getting a place in her life again.
And then he hands her a letter and that makes things even more chaotic. Despite everything, she wants to talk to him about what he's written but then the ride takes another sharp turn. It's unmistakable. He has PTSD. So now what? She confronts him and his response is a bag of mixed signals, again. Liv, you mean the world to me. Followed by back off.
So she does. She backs off, for her own sanity as much as his, only to be pulled right back in by the kids for an intervention. And he pulls the exact same stunt again. Another push and pull.
And what a pull it had been.
She's tried to ignore his calls but after a restless night, she checks her messages anyway. Five missed calls and two voicemail messages. All from him.
"Hey, Liv. Um ... it's me. Um, calling you. Again."
He sighs and she tries not to let the emotion in that sigh get to her because she still knows him too well.
"And I get it ... Um, please just call me when you can. Thanks. Bye."
Olivia takes a deep breath before listening to the next message. This push and pull is emotionally draining. And last night … she's still trying to make sense of that one. It has kept her up most of the night.
She listens to his second voicemail and it's very different from the first.
"Liv, he knew. He was there. He activated the bomb from across the street. It was Sacha Lenski. He saw everything. He knew it was Kathy getting into the car ... I wasn't the target. Kathy was the target ... Why would anyone want to kill Kathy?"
She's wide awake instantly and as stunned as he is. Kathy was the target of the bombing? But why? To weaken Elliot maybe? Or could it be about something else entirely? Before she can think about it, now in full Detective mode, she's hit the call button. Elliot answers on the first ring, the relief in his voice palpable when he says her name, even through the phone.
"Liv."
"Where are you?"
"At home. My hacker is looking into Lenski's lawyer and she'll send me whatever she finds. Can you … do you ..."
It's another pull.
She hates herself a little for still knowing his unspoken shorthand so well but she accepts this new turn in the rollercoaster ride anyway.
"I'll be right over after I drop Noah off at school."
"Thanks Liv."
She ends the call and shakes her head. Again, Olivia?
She's a little taken aback when Elliot opens the door dressed in just a tank top and sweatpants. He offers her an apologetic smile and shrugs.
"Perks of working from home?"
Olivia rolls her eyes and walks into his apartment and towards the laptop on the kitchen table.
"I'm still waiting for Jet to find a money trail," Elliot says and she turns around to face him. "And she's been working on getting intel from the prison as well to see who may be on the take in there."
"Who could possibly hold a grudge against Kathy?" Olivia wonders out loud.
Elliot pulls his shoulders up and makes a helpless gesture.
"I have no idea."
They look at each other then, an awkward silence settling between them. They both know they will need to talk at some point but while both of them have clearly learned to put their thoughts and feelings into words, they haven't had much practice with each other in that regard yet.
"Elliot, about what you said last night," Olivia begins bravely.
"I … Yeah. I shouldn't have said that."
Her stomach drops. Of course he regrets it. She's told herself it had been a mistake a thousand times. And yet it stings when she hears him agree.
"No, you shouldn't have," she says, ignoring her physical reaction to his words as well as the intense stare he is giving her.
"But I did mean it."
"What?"
"That's why I had to leave, Liv. And that's also why I asked you to back off for now."
She's as stunned as the night before and just stares at him, trying but failing to process what he's telling her.
"I wrote that. In my letter. Remember?"
She's trying very hard to connect the dots he's throwing at her but failing. She's still stuck on I did mean it.
Naturally, he can see her confusion. It must be written all over her face. Over her entire body, probably.
"I just had to give all of us our best shot. I owed it to Kathy but to you as well. I …"
He reaches for his forehead and she wonders if his head injury is still bothering him. While he gathers his thoughts, she does the same. She remembers what he's written. She knows it by heart by now. When he decided to leave, he thought she would be better off without him. They all deserved a shot at happiness and his need to get far away from the job had opened up a possibility for him and Kathy to fix things once and for all. Him, Kathy and Eli. And he had wanted her to go out and find her own happiness too.
Parts of his letter repeat in her head like they have done ever since she's read it.
We've always been too close and we both know it, even if we never really addressed it. Despite how it must have looked sometimes, I never wanted to be the reason you couldn't start something new. So I convinced myself that with me out of the way, you would be better off eventually. And as time went on, I told myself that you had already forgotten about me and were living your best life in New York.
...
I would have stayed for you. You know I would have caught a bullet for you back then and I still would now. It was an impossible choice to make. I have six people depending on me and still the choice between them and you was impossible to make. That should tell you something.
I was a coward and let the circumstances decide for me. There was no right choice but at least leaving would only hurt you and me, and not my family. It was six to two. I let the math decide.
...
I will understand if you hate me for leaving without a word and never contacting you again. I know I hate myself for it. I am so sorry.
...
I thought that the memories of our time together would fade with time but they didn't. The horrors of the job faded up to a point, but you never did. I get nervous just thinking about seeing you again and giving you this letter. I know we never said anything out loud but we didn't have to. We both know what we had. I can only hope that you moved on while I was away and that you're happy. It's all I've ever wanted for you.
"You wrote it was six to two."
She's been stuck on that miscalculation for days but when he just looks at her without saying anything, she can see it in his eyes. It's not a miscalculation. It wasn't either his family or her. It was either his family or them.
She swallows hard and they just look at each other, their past wrapping itself around them like a thick blanket and she isn't sure if she's supposed to feel comforted or suffocated by it.
"Kathy hasn't been gone two weeks," she finally manages to grate out.
Her loyalty to the woman is still deeply ingrained in her, another old habit that's creeping back into her system. She had always wanted his marriage to last, as proof that at least someone could get it right. Because in the end, that might mean there was hope for her yet.
"It's not something new. You know that. This isn't a rebound thing or some desperate move. It's always been there."
Olivia turns around, away from him. She can't process what's happening and that it's really Elliot Stabler saying all of these things out loud now. She hasn't even fully processed yet that he's back in New York. Or that he's been living in Rome for that matter. And that's he's been back on the job for years and nobody had bothered to tell her. And that he's a widower now.
"I know this is not the time, Liv. I'm not that far gone. And I know you're right about the PTSD. I don't know why I blurted it out like that but when you asked me what I need I …"
She hears him sigh and knows he's choking up, but she refuses to turn around and look at him. Don't say it's me. Don't say it's me, she repeats in her head.
"I realized I can't do this without you."
Shit.
But it's not fair. For the longest time she missed him so badly and he was all she could think about at the lowest point in her entire life. He doesn't get to need her now, when he wasn't there for her when she needed him the most.
"Seems to me you were doing just fine without me for ten years, Elliot. You were happy. You said so yourself."
Her voice sounds a lot less confident than she had intended to sound. But it needs to be said and this seems like as good a time as any. She's taken those few days off Garland had offered her and she can do this all day with him if she has to.
"Liv."
She shakes her head, her back still turned to him. She braces herself, fully expecting him to come up behind her and she's not ready. She can't have him in her personal space because she'll forget what she wants to say. What she has wanted to say for the past ten years. Only she can't say it now because he's just lost his wife and he has PTSD, and he's waiting for information from 'his' hacker, whoever the hell that is and she knows he'll be out the door as soon as he thinks he has another lead.
But Elliot doesn't approach her and that fact alone makes her turn around after a beat, just to make sure he really hasn't moved.
He hasn't.
And when she looks at him he just holds out his hands by way of apology and to let her know he's giving her all the space she needs.
"I tried. For Kathy. And I wanna think she was happy. And I know Eli was. I'm close to him in a way I've never been with the other kids and that … yeah, that did make me happy."
Olivia swallows and nods. She gets it. She really does and she thinks of Noah. No matter how much crap life has thrown at her, her child always makes her happy. He's pulled her out of the aftermath of disturbing nightmares countless times just by being his sweet self in the morning, and she can't fault Elliot for wanting that with his youngest child. For needing that even.
"Family is everything," she whispers.
"Yeah," he rasps. "And look at you. You got your own now."
She can see the pride in his eyes through all the other emotions swirling in them and god, she's missed it. She's missed how he was always there to lift her up and to make her feel like she mattered; and not just that she mattered but that he was proud of her.
She knows Fin and her other coworkers are proud of her but that's different. And the few men she's tried to share her life with all just wanted her to slow down. Maybe they were right in a way to want that for her, and she knows they cared, but she's missed being cheered on; being pushed to be her best self and being celebrated just for who she is.
Look how great you turned out.
You know you'd make a great mom.
You're a good mom.
Her eyes fill with tears and she knows why. Despite everything, the only thing she can think about right now is how she had wished Elliot was there when she got Noah. He is still the one person who knows better than anyone else how much it meant to her to finally become a mother. The pride she sees in his eyes now is a painful reminder of what she's missed; and of how much she's missed him.
"Tell me you're happy, Liv."
She tries to smile but her chin trembles and she shakes her head lightly, her eyes darting away from him. It doesn't mean her answer is no. It just means she doesn't know what to say to that. But this honesty thing seems to be working for them this time around, no matter how painful it is, so maybe that's the way to go.
"If you want me to tell you I was better off without you, I won't." She continues to shake her head and repeats in a whisper, "I won't."
He takes a step closer to her then, but still maintains a respectable distance of about three feet between them.
"Fin told me you found someone. You have a son …"
His eyes are wide now and filled with hope. He is basically begging her to reassure him about the choice he's made.
"I just wanted all of us to have a shot … and I wanna think you took it."
He desperately needs to be told he did the right thing by walking away but she won't. She just won't.
Olivia lets out a harsh breath.
"I didn't really have a choice, did I?"
"Liv."
She starts shaking her head again. She's been doing that a lot and it's not a good sign. She's not handling this very well. Maybe it's her turn to be bluntly honest now. She faces him and stares straight into his eyes when she tells him,
"Yeah. I made a life for myself. But I could have done that with my best friend in my life. I missed you, Elliot."
She takes a deep breath and mentally skips the darkest part of her life. She won't bring that up now. She may be angry with Elliot but she doesn't want to push him off the deep end.
"When I got Noah, I wanted you there, to tell you all about him because you would know how much it meant to me to finally have a child."
Her voice breaks and Elliot takes another step towards her.
"Would you even have him if I hadn't gotten out of the way?" he asks her sincerely.
"For God's sake, Elliot. I adopted him!" she yells, losing her composure at last.
She is the one who steps into his personal space this time and to his credit, he doesn't flinch. His entire reaction to her words is right there in his eyes. Relief, which was to be expected. And there's that pride again that makes her insides churn now that they are so close to each other. And that other thing she's been trying desperately to block out.
Love.
"I told you you'd be a great mom," he says softly and she feels all the fight leave her body when he offers her exactly what she's been missing so badly. His unwavering support.
She closes her eyes and focuses on her breathing, willing herself not to let her emotions get the best of her. She isn't done with Elliot yet and he should understand that. He can't go all supportive on her like he used to and make those ten years of radio silence go away. She's missed him but she's not going to make room for him in her life again just like that.
"Elliot, don't."
"Don't what?" he asks and when she looks into his eyes she can't really read him.
"Don't do this," she says, gesturing between them. "I can't pretend that everything is just the way it used to be. Too much has happened. Too much time has passed."
"I know."
Elliot chews on his lower lip and Olivia stares at it, wondering why she's in his face like this. But stepping back isn't an option now. She's not backing down.
"You don't get to need me now when I n- … when I ..."
Her voice breaks again but it doesn't matter. She doesn't have to say it. She sees him crumble before her eyes. She wants to think he doesn't know about what's happened to her while he was gone. She wants to think he would have come if he had known. But right now, she sees him break because he realizes that she needed him. And he wasn't there.
It's his turn to turn away from her and she wants to feel relieved that he's out of her personal space. But she sees his shoulders rise and fall a couple of times and she can't believe it when she realizes he's crying.
She gives him a minute, swallowing down the lump in her own throat. She wants to help. That's just who she is. But she just can't play pretend with him. She won't open herself up to him again as if nothing's happened. She has changed over the past ten years. She knows PTSD and she knows he needs help.
"Elliot," she says at long last, when she sees him wipe off his tears.
He faces her again and his eyes are puffy and red. He is open in a way she's never seen him before.
"I know I don't deserve anything from you. I know that, Liv. I do."
"You have to get help for your PTSD," Olivia insists. "I won't be your crutch."
"I don't want you to be. That's exactly why I told you to back off. And my kids too. It's not your burden to bear. It's mine and mine alone."
"So what do you need me for now? Now you're saying you can't do this without me," she reminds him. That was the reason he'd blurted out those words in the first place, wasn't it?
He smiles nervously and looks up at the ceiling, searching for words to explain what he means. The words he decides on knock the wind right out of her once again.
"I'm drowning Liv. Being back here ... Seeing you again ... Losing Kathy … seeing my kids heartbroken. It's just too much. I feel like it's all my fault. Her death. My kids' pain. And your pain …"
He swallows but before she can say anything he continues.
"I just need a sense of direction. A beacon if you will. I wanna think that there will be something left for me when I resurface; when this is all behind me and the people who took the mother of my children away are brought to justice."
Olivia is as honest with him as she can when she tells him,
"I don't know if I can."
He deflates and nods, his eyes downcast while he rubs the back of his neck.
"I understand."
"You have to get help, El."
His head snaps up, his red-rimmed eyes boring into hers until she has to close them for a moment.
El.
She hasn't called him that once since he's been back and it means a lot. They both know it.
"I'm not leaving again, Liv. I promise."
She swallows and nods. It's a start.
"I'll do anything to make it up to you. I just …"
He gestures at his computer and she gets it. He needs closure first. She takes a deep breath and decides to throw him the tiniest lifeline she can muster at this time.
"I'll take your calls from now on."
She thinks he may collapse on the spot from sheer relief and she can't believe she still means this much to him after the way he abandoned her without a word.
I was afraid, if I heard your voice, I wouldn't have been able to leave.
He didn't leave because of anything she said or did. He didn't leave because she didn't reach out to him enough. He left because …
I love you.
Elliot sits down hard, almost as if his legs can't carry his weight anymore, and turns to his laptop.
"Any word from your hacker yet?" Olivia asks as she walks up behind him.
Elliot checks his inbox and sees that he has, indeed, received a couple of emails from Jet.
As he begins opening them, Olivia stands behind him and while he reads, she puts a warm hand on his shoulder. She feels the muscles under her hand twitch, but other than that, Elliot doesn't respond visibly to her gesture. He doesn't have to. It means as much to her as it does to him.
END
A/N This is not the end of their story of course, but it is the end of this post-ep oneshot. I hope you enjoyed it and that we will get something like this on May 13 or further down the line!