"You know Tosh, when all those months ago I auditioned for this part, I never thought it would be a problem. I never thought that I would start to like my partner in the play." It was the night before his last performance. It would be his last time playing the part of Roderick in the play and he was sad to say goodbye to yet another team of actors he'd come to love as a family. But one thing was different from all those other times he'd played a part in a play... he'd fallen in love.
"Back then you had Lisa for a start," Tosh answered. He'd been alone at home when he found that he couldn't sleep and wanted to talk to someone. It wasn't that late in the evening yet, so he knew that Tosh wouldn't mind. They'd been the best of friends for as long as he could remember, always having each other's back.
"That too yeah, but she and I broke it off, practically, after my first night on stage. I never thought she would cheat on me with HIM. But that's not what I was thinking about." His mind had been spinning for a while now. He'd never been one to fall for a fellow actor, one that he was in the same production with. But this time, the romance they had to play out on stage was getting to him. Never had he thought that the thought of seeing him on stage would get him through a difficult day, or that he would think of nothing else but him when he would finally see him? For weeks he'd been feeling like this, like a lovesick puppy after he'd finally figured out what these feelings meant. And he was done with being scared about what this meant. Never had he thought that one day he would come out as a bisexual?
"Then what were you thinking about?" Tosh's voice sounded confused, it was not like he'd told anyone about what was going through his mind for a while now, but he'd figured that Tosh would be the first to figure out what was going on.
"I'm in love."
"With whom? Oh wait, do you mean Jack? Are you finally admitting it?" He could practically imagine Tosh's broad smile while she was sitting upright in her bed, shocked about what was going on. Hopefully, she wasn't waking up Owen with her chipper voice, he really didn't want to hear him cursing through the phone telling him that he would need his sleep if he was supposed to be acting like a human being the next day at work.
"You knew? Of course, you knew, how could you not." He mumbled more to himself than that he was informing Tosh.
"Ianto, the sparks were flying off of you when I saw you two-stage kissing last week."
"Well, I'm not sure what to do about it, a man as handsome as him must have someone already." Obviously, it was just his mind creating an excuse, just so he wouldn't have to do one of the scariest things in life. Asking someone out.
"According to local gossip, he's single."
"Tosh! I didn't think you would be one to gossip." He was actually quite shocked, never before had he thought of Tosh as one of those women who gossip about every little detail in someone else's life. Most of the time those gossips weren't even true anyway, so why listen to them?
"I'm not! This girl at work just doesn't want to shut up about him and tells me everything about Jack. Why would I care that he ate a club Sandwich last night?" Tosh's agitation towards that woman was clearly showing in her voice. He could hear footsteps in the background and a door quietly closing. Most likely it was Tosh leaving the room, so he didn't want to intrude and ask her.
"Good, wait, not about that woman, I mean good that you don't gossip."
"Well, you've known me longer than today, so you should've already known that." He let out a prolonged sigh as he thought back to the day when he met Tosh. It had been a particularly quiet day at the coffee bar he was working at part-time to pay the bills while trying to break through in the world of acting. Which had seemed far easier when he was still in high school. It was extremely difficult to get a part that paid enough. That one day he met Tosh and a friendship for life bloomed that day. Even though she was older than him, it felt like they'd known one another their whole lives.
"Are you coming tomorrow, Tosh?" He asked absentmindedly.
"Yeah, Owen and Tommy are coming with me." She whispered.
"Tommy? Are you sure that's a good idea?" Tommy was Tosh's ex-boyfriend, they parted on good terms, but Owen was quite jealous of him. Even after all these years. One drunken evening Owen had even confessed to him that he was still afraid Tosh would leave him for Tommy.
"He and I broke up ages ago, why can't we just be friends?"
"Come on Tosh, I know the way he's looking at you, he's still in love with you."
"Well, I'm not with him. I'm with Owen now, maybe we should try to find someone for him. You know…. set him up on a blind date."
"I think I know someone who would be perfect for him. I just don't know if she is single."
''Well, go ahead with whoever you're thinking about.''
-0O0-
''And all those years ago, when we first met, did you feel the same for me?'' Jack asked him on the podium that evening. Completely in character, he answered back.
''I did not. But why does that matter?'' Jack balled his fists and turned away from him.
''It matters a lot. Because back then, everyone was afraid of me. And you still are, aren't you?'' His knees started to wobble and eventually gave out while his character thought about his answer thoughtfully.
''No answer. I know enough.'' Jack was about to walk away when he started to yell.
''Stop. Please stop.'' Jack turned around, tears falling down his cheeks as he looked down at him.
''I do… I have….''
''Stop this nonsense. You don't have to make up excuses anymore to not be around here. I'll terminate your contract. Go… and have a nice life.'' Jack stormed off the stage, leaving him on his hands and knees on the ground. Sobs started to rack through the room.
''But I do love you.'' He whispered after Jack's leaving figure.
The lights dimmed and before he knew it he was wiping away the stray tears and walked backstage. He needed to change his clothes while Jack had a scene inside. It was almost the ending of the play and he was more nervous about what he was vowing to do afterwards than being on stage in front of hundreds of people. He knew Tosh, Owen and Tommy were there somewhere in the public but he had no idea where, as he hadn't spotted them yet.
He could hear Jack acting out his lines, reciting what was written down in the script perfectly while he put on a less smudgy pair of jeans. His heart was beating out of his chest as he thought about what they were about to do only a few minutes later. Even if it was only a stage kiss it was still a kiss. And it had made him long for more for a while now.
''But what do I do mother?'' He heard Jack saying to the urn that was standing in the room. Right now Jack's character was talking to his mother about the events that just happened. He was trying to push away his feelings by pretending that it didn't matter to him. That he didn't feel anything at all. But the opposite was true of course.
''I love him so much, have done for such a long time already. But I can feel that he's still scared of the boy I was so many years ago. I can just see it in his eyes whenever we are together. He pretends to not be. I can see his mask perfectly placed upon his face. But I so desperately want it to be otherwise. He's the first person in years with whom I have felt so good. With whom I could let my guard down.'' Even though he knew his lines perfectly well, he went away from the sight in front of him, which brought tears to his eyes, to walk back and read through his script for a bit. An actor's worst nightmare was forgetting his lines and making a total fool of himself on stage. You could say, your acting career was over and done with if that ever happened to you. So he was always prepared to take every little bit of leisure time he had in between scenes to read through his lines one more time. Just to be sure.
It was only a few minutes later that he had to put away his script and walk to the side of the stage again. This was the final scene. Just between him and Jack. He took a deep breath, cleared his head and with his head held high he walked onto the stage again. He needed to seem brave, but his face shouldn't. His fists were balled as he walked towards Jack. His backpack slung across his shoulder.
''Many moons ago, on a drunken evening, you kissed my lips and told me about your crush when growing up. You told me that you'd tried to scare us away as a kid because you didn't want us to come too close. You didn't want to make friends again if you had to move away a short time later again, because of your parent's jobs. Then why, do you think I still buy that crap of you trying to scare me away?'' He let his backpack fall onto the ground with a loud thud. His facial expression looked determined.
''I'm not going anywhere!'' Was the last thing he said until Jack turned around and faced him.
"Why? I can see the fear in your eyes. Why don't you go?" Jack's tiny voice asked.
"Because the fear in my eyes doesn't have the meaning behind it that you think it has."
"Then explain it to me." His hand reached forwards and clamped onto Jack's hand. He held his hand tightly while with the other he grabbed onto Jack's jacket.
"Because I'm scared… scared of losing you." He knew what was going to happen now and his heart made a tiny somersault in his chest.
"I love you." And that was the moment on which both their lips smacked onto each other. Just thinking about this scene made him smile when he was alone, but now he had to keep his own emotions in check and play the part. Rather convincingly too, if only he said so. They broke apart and looked into each other's eyes.
''I don't want you to go.'' Jack told him.
''I'm staying right here at your side.'' Where his last words before Jack pushed his head to his chest.
The lights dimmed and the curtains closed. This was the end. Their last time playing these characters that had become so familiar. The last time reenacting them. Jack let his arms fall from around his body and gone was the warmth that had been flooding through his body at the touch of Jack's skin. He fleetingly looked at Jack before the other actors joined them on the stage and the curtains opened once again. He took Jack's hand firmly and together with the other actors they made a bow. He was exhilarated, but there was also a tinge of sadness in there. Scanning the public, he found Tosh standing, clapping for all her might. He could see her ping away a few tears, but she was smiling so bright at the same time. Eventually, they made it off the stage. It was really over now. In his changing room, he took a quick shower before he went to do anything else. It wasn't advisable to do anything while sweating like an Oss. It might actually make everything far worse than how he was already imagining the whole process to go.
''Deep breath. In and out, Ianto.'' He told himself. His heart was raging in his chest. If he didn't know any better he would think that he was going to have a heart attack. Which might actually still be possible. But he dearly hoped not. A knock on his door took him out of his trance.
''Who is it?''
''Ianto? Are you decent?'' Tosh asked ever so sincerely. She had gone inside once and found him completely naked. Nowadays they laughed about the whole incident but they could never forget it as she was always cautious to go inside without his permission these days.
''Yeah, come on in.'' He told her while he put on his jacket. His hair was still a bit wet but he didn't really care about that. It would dry on the way home. Tosh opened and closed the door behind her. She obviously told the boys to stay outside.
''So are you ready?'' Her sneaky expression told him she was not talking about going outside and putting his signature on anything the fans could bring. Or taking pictures and looking happy on the outside.
''Not really.'' He whispered to himself.
''Well, be ready, because Jack is about to walk outside. The boys are stalling him right now, so I'd go out now if I were you.'' he nodded and got a piece of paper containing a phone number out of his back pocket.
"Here, for Tommy, tell him to give her a ring." He told her before walking out of his dressing room one last time. Taking his bag with clothes and other stuff with him. Looking left and right at all the people passing by, trying to spot the three people he knew so well by now. It took some time, because they had been standing behind a large prop that was being carried away. So before that, he could only hear their voices but not find the bodies where they had come from. Now that he did he walked as fast as he could towards the trio. When Owen saw him walking towards them he winked at him and nudged Tommy in the ribs. Tommy looked agitated at Owen, but then spotted him and knew what was going on. Tosh really had instructed those boys well. Jack looked up from his interlocutor and watched him walking their way.
''Tommy, Owen, nice to see you again.'' He greeted the pair of men who looked like they wanted to be out of here as soon as humanly possible.
''Yeah, are we still on for tonight?'' Owen bravely asked him while Tommy asked a last question to Jack, who gladly answered.
''Yeah, I'll be there. Don't wait up though, I'll text you how it went.'' Owen patted him on the shoulder before walking away towards Tosh who had been waiting for them in front of Ianto's dressing room.
''Come on Tommy, we're going to be late.'' Owen announced and walked away, dragging Tommy with him and leaving him and Jack alone - except for the remaining crew walking past them.
''See you.'' He shouted after them and faced Jack.
''Was there something you would like to talk to me about?'' Jack looked cluelessly at him while putting his own bag on the ground. Probably understanding that he wouldn't be able to get out within a short amount of time.
''Actually…. Yeah, I did.'' He smiled an awkward smile at him while he tried to avoid eye contact. He needed all the courage he could find right now to do this.
''What is it about? You know you can always talk to me about anything.'' Jack nonchalantly put his hand on Ianto's shoulder and started to smile that thousand-watt smile at him that weakened his heart and knees. He waited a few seconds until his heart calmed down and he found the bravery to look Jack in the eye. His gaze went from Jack's feet up to his eyes very slowly. But when he did he found the most beautiful glittering blue orbs he had ever seen in his existence. Most likely fear could be seen on his face and maybe even in his eyes. He opened his mouth, but at first, nothing came out.
''... Can… Will…'' Jack stopped him by putting his hand over his mouth. Jack was looking very sternly at him after he did that.
''Spit it out.'' He told Ianto and took his hand off his mouth. Ianto inhaled deeply and let out a big sigh. A single tear left his right eye and slowly slid down his face.
''Hey, what's wrong?'' Jack's big hand came closer to his face and wiped away the single tear with his thumb. It felt so good to feel his warm manly hand on his face. It felt so calming. He closed his eyes while Jack's hand lingered on his face and made up his mind.
''Wouldyouliketogooutwithme?'' He said as quickly as he could.
''Come again?'' He could imagine a big grin on Jack's face while he said that. After another big inhale of breath, he repeated his words.
''Would you like to go out with me?'' Jack's hand left his face within a second.
''Oh.'' Immediately he opened up his eyes and watched how the shocked face of Jack stared at him open-mouthed. Everything around him seemed to go in slow motion. Jack's eyelids closed and opened up again as he saw someone from the production walk past them from the corner of his eye. If he didn't know better he would've thought that it took hours for Jack to finally answer, but the clock on the wall behind Jack told him the truth. In reality, it was only mere minutes.
''Ianto, are you sure? I don't like to be used as an experiment again.'' Jack just said. Their eyes were still staring at each other. It wouldn't have taken much or he would've missed what Jack had told him.
''I'm sure. Oh if you only knew how sure I was.'' He said and splayed a huge smile across his lips.
''Then I would love to.''
''Really?''
''Yes, if only you knew how much I've been trying to suppress my feelings.'' That was the only thing he needed for his heart to explode into tiny little pieces.