Fandom: Peacemaker Kurogane
Title: Faith.
Pairing: Hijikata + Okita, Okita + Yamazaki
Rating: PG-13
Description: The day before Souji is sent to rest because of his disease…

Disclaimer: Peacemaker Kurogane belongs to Chrono Nanae-sama.

Faith.
by Miyamoto Yui

One last time…
Let me fight one last time!

I stick my sword into the hardened earth, heaving as I get up and gritting my teeth. Looking up into their proud backs, their will running farther than all our dirtied, tattered clothing, all that runs in my head is if this is truly the last time I'll see all of us together?

Or at least, those who are still here on this side of the living.

As the fires hungrily consume oxygen and the gunpowder crackling in tiny fireworks displays around us, I squint as it brushes against my eyes. I'm already choking.
The blood becoming heavy in my lungs, I still stand up tall not because that's what they anticipate, but what I expect of myself.

Even if it's against my own body, I will never give in!

He's eyeing me from a distance and already worrying about me.

But you can't help me forever.

I know that time is running backwards now, my clock winding faster with my body disintegrating as we speak. The air pulls down into my chest. Is this what asthma must feel like, I wonder?

Taking a breath…people take it for granted,
I gulp it like fish forced to flop on land, every breath feeling like my last.

Stop looking at me from the front. Keep moving forward, Toshi!
I'm tired of calling you Hijikata-san even inside my head.

When you're with me, I don't want to call you that anymore. At least then, I can claim you though you belong to everyone now. As strong as I am, I break the moment I think about you: I've never had the reassurance to declare that you're entirely mine.

Taking up my sword, I flick the blood off, ready to clean it off later and slowly walk along behind my group.

Somehow, in an elongated haze, I am able to reach the inn with you all.

But as soon as I get to my room, I slip down against the wall.
I must get to the bath, pretend that I'm still all right. Damn it, my body isn't listening to me anymore as everything swirls in front of me. Even if I have to crawl, I will get there!

He stalks into my room unannounced and closes the door. Immediately, he decides to scoop me up. "You're light."
I wince. "Put me down."
"I…" He refuses to look into my direction, knowing that I'm not up to his antics.
"Toshi, put me down."
Pointing towards my direction, he tilts his head and says in a level-headed manner, "They say I'm the oni but my pride's a sliver compared to yours, Sou."
Irritated, I retort, "You're the one that made them all think that way."
"You didn't say anything against it."
"Would you have let me?" I dart my glance upwards with a deadly expression.
"The battlefield's over there. Not here."
"Yes, it is!" I clench my teeth, trying to hold the disgraceful tears from forming on my eyelids. But they, like the rest of my body, refuse to listen to me.

When I pound my chest, they rain onto the tatami floor. "In HERE."

He stops walking and stares at me. "I don't want them to see you like this."
Reluctantly, he puts me down and sighs as he watches me cling onto the walls with all the strength I have left. With my back towards him, I push onto the wooden column, fearing I'll fall through the paper doors.
"I won't let them. Until I can stand side-by-side with you, I will be your first captain."
"You will always be the first captain."
I take a deep breath, but my chest refuses to let me sip it and I end up coughing.

"You can't always save me. You've done that enough, Toshi. Someday…" I look up to the ceiling, feeling that I could look beyond the wood and the materials to make it, my gaze penetrating deep into the wide sky past the universe.

I'm praying very far now…

Again, he sighs.
I struggle to take a few steps into the private bath, but when I'm about to close the door, he steps in anyway.
"I've always loved that part that you're stubborn, but this is not the time I can tolerate it." He grabs my elbows and rubs them with his thumbs, pleading wordlessly.
Kissing my neck with all the blood, mud, and grime, I pull forward and try to get away.

"You are the only one who knows who I am." His hands grab my waist and I try in vain to untangle his interlocked fingers. "The stupid boy who lost that job in Matsuya in Asakusa."
Shaking my head, I pull his hands off and grab the edge of the tub when he kisses the back of my head. "The one who took naps at the veranda of my brother-in-law's house."
He takes a hold of my shoulders and I brush his hands off of them. "The boy who lost his heart every time you laughed at all my stupid, perverted jokes disguised as flirting."

But he takes my wrists and turns me around. I'm forced to face him.

"I only know the leader who brought me here, believed in me, and…" My fists are shaking. I'm still trying to get away. "…who won't lose to sentiments. Even when I die, you will still live on-"
He shakes his head and that's the expression I hate the most.

You're extinguishing as you watch me. Don't let your fire die with me…

"No, I'm sure I won't. I'll be a walking corpse. I guarantee you that, Sou."
"Stop. Please…"

Stop looking at me like that, Toshi…

But he lets go of one of my wrists, grasping the other one even tighter. He reaches for a wooden ladle and fills it water to put over my head.
The ladle clatters to the floor. I'm dripping onto the floor as he pins my hands to the rim of the tub.

"Even if it comes with the territory, I've always hated other people's blood on you. They don't deserve to touch you."
I hold my breath as I see him squint with an anger that even a full-blooded oni would envy.

This single look tears up my soul.

He is seething through his teeth, his eyes never leaving mine.
My resistance drains away at the same time he lets go of me.

Pink rivulets run around our feet and though I'm a bit surprised by his fiendish gaze directed at me this time 'round, I reach out to touch the short hair. Running my fingers through it, he pulls on my kimono, touching his lips to my chest.
"You must live on for my sake, Toshi."
He looks down to the ground and ignores my words, carefully peeling off my clothing layer after layer.

I end up sitting on the floor with my back against the tub. Kneeling before me, he splashes water on me with the ladle and carefully washes my hair out with his palms. I watch him with wide eyes, unable to open my mouth, telling me more than words than can say.
Patiently, when he lathers my chest, he leans forward to kiss me. I turn my face away, but he grabs my jaw anyway, pushing on my tongue as hard as he can. I begin to choke, but he still continues to kiss me until I'm gasping.
Pouring more water on me, he licks my armpits and down my ribs. Reaching my stomach, I start to moan while touching his shoulders. My hands go under his collar, trying to push off his clothes as he unties his obi…

In the round tub, he stares up at me as the tears fall down. I bite his shoulder, my muffled cries drowning with the splashing water. My heart aches as I embrace him and he pats the back of my head as he always has, ever since I've known him.

I'm just glad to hear you breathe…

+/+/+/+/+/

After patting my whole body dry and helping me with my kimono, I try to dress him as best as I can. But when he's about to leave, he stops at the door. He has his back towards me.

"Sou?"
"Yes?"
"My only regret is that you were never happy with me."

I stare into his back. As he takes a hold of the door about to slide it open, I reach out for his hand. I kiss the palm. And then his Adam's apple. Last, his chin.

His red eyes stare back at me.

In your eyes, you've seen me grow taller. When I pecked your palm as a joke as a kid and you blushed (which I didn't think was possible). When I kissed your throat when I made a scar, pointing my sword at you. When I bit your chin when you first took me.

"No…Thank you for all my happy moments."

Through you, I have everything. A team who taught me how to respect myself. This family showed me to love the suffering and the pain so that I could savor, appreciate, and enjoy what life truly is.

Because happiness isn't just a pocket of serenity.
You can laugh, cry, hurt, and feel joy even while being happy.

"It's because I have you, Toshi."

And that's the only time the oni fell down to his knees sobbing, grabbing onto me wishing for the impossible.

"We will live on forever. I don't care what the fuck they say about us." I bend down and hug him, kissing his damp hair.

They'll probably use us for propaganda for or against their wishes when this war is done. They'll change our appearances to fit their purposes long after all this is done. They in the future will probably will say things that are both true and untrue compounded together to push our legends.

But our spirits will live beyond all of this.

"You will never die. Your body might, but never your heart or your soul." I'm shaking as I gasp to breathe, coughing into a towel and holding him as tightly as I can.

"Why are you so certain? They're hunting us down now…"
"Because I believe in you."
"For someone so elusive…I hate it when you put it so simply as that." He gets up and lifts me from the floor. We stand there watching one another on equal footing.

"But isn't that why you chose me, Toshi?" I smile widely at him.
He covers his eyes and chuckles to himself. "You're the only kid that kicked my ass with a sword. Why'd you have to be so damn beautiful?"
He takes a hold of my hand, the one holding the bloodied towel.

Walking down the hallway together, he quietly says, "I made an angel a traitor to its own race."

"That's all right. They didn't need me anyway," I laugh and shake my head.

That night, we stand atop a hill overlooking all the things we're protecting. As I glance around the space below, I'm overwhelmed by the expanse of what's before me. Of how little my life really means to the count of many.
But there's enough space for all of us:

Kondo-san…
Shinpachi, Saitou, Matsubara, Takeda, Inoue, Tani, Heisuke, Suzuki, Harada, Tetsunosuke…
Susumu…

/"Okita-sa-"
"You can call me Souji."
Stupified, Susumu stared and blinked at me.
I laughed at him.
"That's quite an honest reaction for a ninja."
"You're one person hard to lie to Oki-I mean, Souji." He resisted looking downward, but then he suddenly said in seriousness, "If…"
"If?"
"Whatever happens…thank you."
"I've done nothing." I grew nervous, wondering what brought this on. The unsettling feeling was always around to eat us alive, but why had he chosen to tell me then?
He looked me straight in the face and without words, I patted his head. I brought my hand down to cup his ear, rubbed it and then held his cheek. "You're really an earnest boy, aren't you?"
Closing his eyes for a second, he got up.

We never talked that way ever again./

It was one of many regrets, but one of the most important to me…

Still gripping my hand, Toshi raises it to the sky in victory. "No matter what, somehow, we will still be fighting for what we believe in. I know it."

Only the stars twinkle down their responses to us, but it's enough.
Tomorrow, I will go off to convalescent and he will go on with Kondo-san and those who are left.

But I don't want to think of that now.

/"Why did you want me to come with you?! All you do is push me!"

My body was covered in bruises from practicing. From fighting a war they couldn't fight themselves. You went from woman to woman and I kept smelling their perfume on you.
Our group couldn't seem to agree on anything anymore…

And above it all, I always have to pretend to be confident even though I'm the complete opposite of it.

"Because in this world, there are few things I have faith in. You are one of them."

I had no counter for that sincerity./

Yes, we will be fighting.
And maybe, for many years to come.

"You're wrong, Sou."
"About what?"
"My soul…That's why we're unstoppable."
"Why?"

I regard his profile, but he's staring up at the stars with conviction.

"You are my soul. That's the only reason I lasted this long…
Maybe that's also why I don't know what true fear really is."

Owari.
-
Author's note: Next month is Hijikata-san's birthday, his memorial death day, and Souji's memorial death day as well.

I have spent more than half of my life researching a man (which expanded to his entire group), reading and scouring the land to find any trace I could of the atmosphere of where Souji and Shinsengumi lived, battled, and traveled to. And still, I feel it is insufficient because there's more down the rabbit hole.

Suddenly, I felt inspired to write them today, but don't ask me where this came from. I have absolutely no idea. The tone is completely different from any PMK fic I've ever done.

Thank you for reading!

Love always,
Yui

4/28/2021 8:52:23 PM – Los Angeles
4/29/2021 12:52:32 PM – Tokyo