HI! So I thought of this a while back and mentioned it to some online friends...Then realized I never written a HA fanction so I'm like...Lemme give this a try. Hopefully this can bring a smile to your faces.
In this magical world...I've aged the characters up a bit to be in high school. Mr. Simmons had been promoted and is the teacher, again, for this class. Though I primarily stuck to the student in the class...There may be a couple of zoom bombings in this fanfiction *wink*
I do not own Hey Arnold characters. I do not own the songs. I do not own Zoom.
Robert Simmons has invited you to a ZOOM meeting.
Robert Simmons has started the meeting.
Arnold Shortman has signed on
Phoebe Heyerdahl has signed on
Gerald Johanssen has signed on
Helga Pataki has signed on
Lorenzo has signed on
Sheena has signed on
Iggy has signed on
Rhonda W. L has signed on
Brainy has signed on
Lila has signed on
Eugene H has signed on
Nadine has signed on
Stinky has signed on
Sid has signed on
Harold has signed on
Robert Simmons: Good morning, everyone! So glad to see all your bright and hopeful shining faces today.
Helga: Criminy! Why is everyone NOT using their surnames? I'm not afraid of someone searching for me! They wanna look for Helga G Pataki *knuckle sandwich* They'll find me with their homemade sandwiches.
Harold: I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
Gerald: Man, you hate in-person school and online school.
Stinky: Well on account that its better than going outside with a mask that doesn't fit so well...
Eugene: Hey guys! This isn't so bad. Things can be worse for us. *Singing* Every seed turns into a flower, every minute turns into an hour!
Harold: WHY ARE YOU BEING SO HAPPY EUGENE? WE'VE ALL BEEN INSIDE OUR HOMES FOR HALF A YEAR NOW! SEVEN MONTHS!
Eugene: At least it's a beautiful day outside.
Helga: While we're inside...Online for school, Doy!
Mr. Simmons: OK class, let us begin our day with sharing our feelings. How is every doing today?
Sheena: My aunt and uncle have been stuck on his row boat for a year...I have no idea how they've done that.
Rhonda: Excuse me! Why does everyone has such HORRIBLE backgrounds? Use a fun backdrop to at least look presentable for school.
Sid: Rhonda, it's school.
Rhonda: Sid, it's your bedroom.
Lorenzo: I like his room.
Harold: SHUT UP LORENZO!
Mr. Simmons: Class! Class! Please...Please just wait a minute.
Harold: I'm gonna end up marrying my own mom at this point! AHH! I HATE THIS! *slams fists on desk* I HATE THIS! *slams fists on desk*I HATE THIS! *slams fists on desk*
(Harold mother, off screen): Harold! You better not break that computer! Do you know how much money your father spend on that desk and computer!?
Sid: Rhonda, how come you never make fun of LILA and her room? Or the time Gerald was in another room but his own room?
Mr. Simmons: Class—
Rhonda: Because at least Lila isn't a little freak who has been stalking me for MONTHS because she wants my second laptop that I use for my social media outlets!
Lila: I do have a background to use but its of a farm.
Nadine: I have a bug background.
Stinky: I can go to the roof of my home, but the reception might be crap.
Iggy: I can filter my screen so that—
Sid: It's a bunny farm!
Iggy: SHUT UP, SID!
Arnold: Sounds like everyone has great backgrounds.
Gerald: Here he goes again being SO optimistic.
Arnold: Someone has to be.
Stinky: That's why we've got Eugene.
Mr. Simmons OK class! We should get to roll call...*Pulls up roll call attendance*... Everyone here? Good? (takes attendance, everyone but a few students including Curly is here)...Good. So does anyone else want to share how they are feeling today?
Phoebe: Can't we just start school NOW?
Mr. Simmons: Well if you want too "ROBERT!" Oh. Hold on class. *turns off camera*
Sid: They are so fucking.
Everyone: SHUT UP SID!
Sheena: Hey guys I'll be right back. *turns camera off*
Nadine: Hey Arnold, how are your grandparents now?
Arnold: Good. Nobody else in the boarding house tested positive so we're not sure how either grandma or grandpa got it. Since they tested positive on different days they just quarantined in different sports. Grandma stayed up here and grandpa stayed in the lower part with the cool bathroom. She's already out as of yesterday and grandpa will be out in two days... I think grandma may have lost it.
Rhonda: When has she not?
Helga: At least nobody has Big Bob and Miriam here to *glitching*... AH SHIT! I got to find another room. If Olga wasn't home teaching online her drama class or whatever I'd be in there. Of course SHE has the best room for reception.
Eugene (singing): I've got daisies in green pastures! I've got my friends, who can ask for anything more!?
Lorenzo: Eugene, stop it.
*GLITCH GLITCH GLITCH*
Pattie: hey, this isn't my class...How'd I get here?
Phoebe: It must be a zoom electrical cross wire. It's been happening lately to other classes at other P.S schools. Last week I somehow ended up in a college AP chem class. They let me stay for ten minutes before they booted me out.
Pattie: Huh...So, how'd I get inside if your teacher is gone? Don't I need to be accepted into this meeting by the host?
Phoebe: Electrical cross wire.
Pattie: Everyone doing OK?
Everyone: Fine/Good/OK/ I HATE THIS!
Nadine: I'm bored...Can you guys tell Mr. Simmons I have a stomach ache? I wanna look at some bugs.
Sid: yeah sure. *NADINE HAS LEFT THE MEETING* hell no.
Gerald: Anyone watch any good shows lately?
*PATTIE HAS LEFT THE MEETING*
Arnold: I watched some shows on Netflix the other—
*Off screen Oskar comes into Arnolds bedroom* Oskar: Hey Arnold! I hope I am not bothering you right now—"
Arnold: Mr. Kokoshka, I'm in school now.
Oskar: No you are not. You are on your computer. Hey Arnold, may I use that laptop to look up some information.
Stinky: Gee Arnold. I thought he moved out after his wife left him!
Oskar: Arnold please, I need to use the computer.
Arnold: Mr. Kokoshka, I'm using it for school!
(Suzie from downstairs): OSKAR! Stop bothering Arnold right now!
Oskar: But Suzie! I need the money—I mean, I need to do the online school myself. Heh-heh-heh...OK, OK, I will go. I will go and be uneducated (Oskar leaves)
Helga: Didn't she move out?
Arnold: Yeah but after her department was closed down for good she's had to work from home. Then she couldn't pay her rent because her hours were cut, so she asked to move back here since my grandparents have actually lowered the rent for everyone. If they had things their way Oskar would had been the one kicked out...He played the green card and they felt bad for him.
Stinky: Green card?
Arnold: Yeah, but now he's legal so he can be kicked out by my grandpa...He just doesn't get kicked out.
Lila: Gosh Arnold. I'm so sorry. I know how it feels. Daddy just lost an hour at his job so we're trying to limit everything.
Stinky: Be like my family and get food at a shelter. I know the best ones.
Rhonda: Can we talk about something else? It's important.
Phoebe: What is it Rhonda?
Rhonda: Tampons! Seriously they are so FUCKING expensive!
Iggy: Ew Rhonda.
Rhonda/Helga: Oh shut up Iggy!/Criminy Iggy!
Helga: Unless you're like Simmons here, you'll end being stuck with a female and deal with it every month.
Sid: So what? Girls bleed and guys bleed. Just put cotton stick inside and you're all set for the day.
Gerald: Sid, that isn't how it works.
Phoebe: It's true. They bleed once a month for five-to-seven days. It's quite painful, annoying and never a good time.
Harold: Girls bleed every month, so what? It's not like tampons are THAT expensive.
*All the girls chatting over one another explaining how expensive tampons can be*
Eugene: Gosh, it must be terrible to be a girl.
*OFFSCREEN: BIG BOB OPENS THE DOOR TO GUEST ROOM* "Hey hey hey! Keep it down little lady! I have a work meeting next door and you're being too loud!
Helga: Dad, I am stuck with idiot boys in this class. They're idiot!
Big Bob: I don't care if your in school. I have meeting about these new message devises...Ipods...Iphone...Whatever! Big Bob's Beepers are going out of style, now it's Big Bob's Bigger Beeper!
Sid: That's what she said.
Big Bob: Where's your mother?
Helga: *Eye roll* The "spa" Bob. Can you leave me alone now? I'm still in school. Why don't you check on Olga?
Bob: I can't. Your sister is earning money for us by teaching. Isn't she great to be able to teach online? What great person she is. *Bob leaves*
Helga: Damn it, Bob.
Gerald: Is school over? It's been a few minutes.
Sid: They're doing it...They're doing it!
Eugene: Hey guys! I got this new background I just downloaded. It's the background of the Oscars one year...*Eugene proceeds to fall off chair...Laptop falls with him, Screen is blank black*...I'm OK.
Lorenzo: Brainy, you alive?
Brainy: *creepy breathing*... I'm here. *creepy breathing*.
*OFFSCREEN: Timberly walks into Geralds room* "Gerald, my computer isn't working!"
Gerald: Ask mom or dad for help Timberly. I'm in school.
Timberly: Mom is working today and Dad is shopping. Help me or I'm telling Dad that you wasted more electricity than you needed for school.
Gerald: Ask Jamie-O. He's here all the time now.
Timberly: He's not here. He's out too.
Gerald: Man. OK, guys. I'll be back. Tell Simmons I'm helping my sister.
Iggy: I'm bored.
Stinky: Put on a bunny show for us. You and Arnold can do the bunny hop for us. Nobody will record it.
Arnold: Stinky.
Rhonda: Ugh, I am so bored.
Harold: You guys have to go to church or synagogue online? It's so weird.
*GLITCH GLITCH GLITCH*
*GLITCH GLITCH GLITCH*
Bert: Hey...Hey, what is this?
Tommy: Oh man, did we get the wrong link again?
Maria: Nah, I sent the wrong one over...Hey Connie look who it is. The two cool kids!
Connie: Yeah yeah, hey guys!
Arnold (blushing): Hi. Gerald is helping his sister with her zoom class meeting.
Connie: Aw my sweet man.
Harold: Hey ARNOLD, how do you know them?
Tommy: Oh shit its those guys again.
Bert: Aw man.
Tommy: This is stupid...I hate these zooms...Maria! Come over to my house so we can hook up!
Maria: No.
Connie: Bert don't you even ask me.
Bert: Aw I know, you're a pediatric nurse. You're in a hospital...We can still have zoom sex.
Sid: ZOOM SEX? HA HA HA HA HA
Stinky: Gee Willikers!
Helga: Criminy!
Lila: Oh my!
Iggy: uh...cool
Brainy: *creepy breathing*... I'm here. *creepy breathing*.
Lorenzo: Oh!
Harold: That's gross! You wanna get cooties!
Tommy: Maria! Maria, get over here!
Maria: No, you come over here...NOT! You're in dental office in the same hospital as Connie. I'm taking care of my grandmother! You stay away from us!
Tommy: Aw Maria!
Connie: How'd we get into this zoom by accident?
Phoebe: It's a zoom electrical cross wire. It's been happening lately to others lately.
Connie: Hmm. Interesting.
Arnold: Hey Connie, my grandparents are doing good.
Connie: Aw that's great kid. I gotta get back to work, give G a big old kiss for me. *Connie signs off*
Maria: See yous twos around when we can get together. *Maria signs off*
*Bert signs off*
*Tommy signs off*
Eugene: Wow Arnold, I had no idea how popular you were!
Arnold: I guess?
Phoebe: Arnold, how is your neighbor Mr. Hyunh and Mai doing?
Arnold: They're ok...A little scared to go out. Mai actually lives here with us now since her roommates husband has been mocking her and blaming her for all this. Her job is work-at-home optional so she stays here for it. How's your dad?
Phoebe: He's not scared. He goes out when he needs to.
Harold: Anyone messes with my friends and their families, THEY ARE ASKING FOR IT!
Arnold: They're good. Ernie's threaten to beat up anyone who tries to blame or attack either of them but...Oh no, anyone else hear that?
Stinky: That sound by the door...Hey, those that lady in the purple outfit fanning herself?
Helga: Who is that?
Arnold: Damn it! Be right back! *Turns off camera*
Gerald: Back! What'd I miss? Where's Simmons?
Phoebe: Hasn't returned yet.
Iggy: I'm bored. I'm gonna stay signed on but camera off. Gonna watch TV or whatever. *Turns off camera*
Stinky: Man, are we even gonna do school today? I think Simmons has left us.
Sid: ZOOM SEX!
Brainy: *creepy breathing*... I'm here. *creepy breathing*.
Gerald: Sid, what the hell are you yelling about?
Rhonda: Youur girlfriend Connie...Eugene, are you actually OK? You've been on the ground for a while.
Eugene: I'm ok...I'm tangled in my wires.
Rhonda: Your girlfriend Connie was on earlier. Maria too. And two guys.
Gerald: Wonder if Connie had her and Bert's baby yet...Where's Arnold?
Helga: Some lady was in his room. Purple dress and brunette and fanning herself.
Gerald: Aw man. That lady again. Lana. She's got a thing for him because she's always had a thing for Arnold's dad. Remember that heat that we had years ago? She got so delusional that she stripped herself in Arnold's room thinking she was his dad.
Sid: What happened after?
Gerald: She got kicked out. She's still friends with Suzie. She and Mai actually work together.. Lana's a lawyer and Mai is like her file clerk-receptionist-secretary-but-lawyer-in-training...Kinda cool actually.
Lila: How did she get into the building if she was kicked out?
Eugene: Who wants to sing again?
Stinky: Guys, I'm going outside with my donated computer. I'm gonna sit on my roof.
Lila: Almost all of us have a donated computer.
Stinky: School?
Lila: Lorenzo actually.
Lorenzo: My mother had a few she bought for work related things, but ended up not needing them. So she gave them to a few of her co-workers who needed them.
Sid: Hold up...Lila's dad and your mom work together?
Lorenzo: Yes. Not the same level but they see one another a lot. She gave Lila and another girl laptops because she's been a firm believer of better education for all.
Sid: Damn, all I have this shit first generation IPOD touch to zoom. My computer is crap except for homework.
Brainy: *creepy breathing*... Better than, uh, nothing. *creepy breathing*.
Helga: Criminy, since he's been gone for fifteen minutes can we LEAVE SCHOOL!?
Phoebe: NO!
Sid: Hey Rhonda can we all watch a movie tonight in your room? Like, I don't know, THE PURGE!
Rhonda: Hell no. My tv, MY movie, and it's Titanic.
Harold: That is such a chick movie. I want a cool action one. Like Fast and Furious series.
Stinky: Can we watch Prom? On account that I watched Mama Mia with my cousin and I love me Ms. Meryl.
Gerald: No no, Jackie Robinson. With Chadwick. *everyone mutters and agrees* AND! A haunted ghost movie.
Lila: A Marvel movie would be nice change. I'm up for that!
Sid: What about that movie that they based that one SP episode on? Human Centipede?
Lila: no, that's too scary!
Sid: Prissy.
Rhonda: You boys watch that on your own terms with Sid's shitty ipod touch facing his shitty 1950s grandma tv set.
Arnold: I'm back. sorry, it was Lana asking me to help her set up a zoom chat with my mom and Suzie ... Even though they're in the same building. Then had to stop Ernie from beating the crap out of Oskar for eating the last piece of cake. What'd I miss?
Sid: Harold and Rhonda making ZOOM SEX PLANS.
Gerald: Yo Arnold, we're gonna watcha movie later on Rhonda's tv. Jackie Robinson and one more.
Arnold: What's that movie with Liam something? Taken?
Helga: Just what we need. How about something SCARY like...Like...Pennywise movie! The new one. *Everyone agrees*
*GLITCH GLITCH GLITCH*
Principal Wartz has signed on.
Wartz: Hello students, how are we doing today?
Helga: Fine. Simmons went to the bathroom.
Wartz: Why is it whenever I check in he is never there? Well then, very well. Stay safe students and remember, at the end of the year the school is going to send out a survy. Be sure to rank us well so that if we have to do this again, it will be easy to convince the state that we're better to do online than in person.
Harold: KISS MY ASS!
Wartz: What was that young man?
Brainy: *creepy breathing*... Ass. *creepy breathing*.
Harold: KISS MY ASS! You're not the principal of our school no more.
Phoebe: Harold, he got promoted at the same time as us entering high school. He's been our principal for a few years now with us.
Wartz: I can find you Harold and—*Principal Wartz has left the meeting*
Helga: HA! He got kicked off!
Phoebe: WHERE IS SIMMONS!? I JUST WANNA DO FUCKING SCHOOL WORK!
Gerald: Hey baby, calm down. He'll be back...I hope.
Sid: HE IS FUCKING AROUND WITH PETER! I TOLD YOU THIS ALREADY!
Stinky: By the time Simmon gets back school'll be over.
Helga: Fine by me.
*OFFSCREEN: Pookie enters Arnold's room* Pookie: Arnold! Perfect timing! I have the perfect song for you and your classmates...
Eugene: FINALLY!...I'm still tangled up.
Pookie: When life gets you down, wearing a frown, don't look away, look up! 'Cause memories true come out of the blue; you know the way — look up! Come on, Arnold's class!
Sid: What the fuck?
Arnold: Not now, Grandma.
Pookie (singing): When skies are gone gray, thing gone astray don't hide away, look up.
Arnold: We're having a bad day, nothing's gone right, we hate this dumb life. We're down.
Eugene (singing): When you're feeling under the weather, and the dark clouds are getting to you. Make your troubles light as a feather, and soon you'll be seeing a bright patch of blue;
Pookie (now appearing on Arnold's screen) AND Eugene (singing): You...Gotta look up, you gotta be strong, you gotta take things as they come.
Arnold: Grandma, I'm in school still. I'll sing along later. I promise.
Pookie: OK Arnold. Bye everyone! *Pookie leaves*
Arnold: Sorry guys.
Rhonda: No, I like this...You know, these zoom meetings are kind of fun. I mean we always have the best stories to tell everyone else.
Phoebe: I WANNA DO SCHOOL!
Sid: Got a condom?
Gerald: Sid, stop being a nerd.
Stinky: Just think of the stories we can tell our kids one day!
Helga: Yeah yeah it's fine. This is sort of a fun thing to talk about in the next couple of years.
Eugene (singing): 'Cause everything new that happens to you is better when you...look up!
Brainy: *creepy breathing*...Still here. *creepy breathing*
Phoebe: WHEN THE FUCK ARE WE GOING BACK TO THE FUCKING SCHOOL WITH ACTUAL FUCKING DESKS!?
Helga: Criminy! She's losing it!
Harold: Hey! Simmons has been gone for twenty minutes now. Isn't that a rule that after fifteen minutes we can leave?
Sid: He's right. We can leave!
*Simmons turns on camera* Hello class! I'm back!
Sid: AW SHIT! GET OUT OF HERE!
Simmons: Sid? Do you need to talk about your feelings again?"
Rhonda: He's mad because he has a vintage ipod.
Simmons: Where is everyone else?
Lorenzo: Nadine has a stomach ache—
Sid: Nadine has her period. Iggy is fucking a bunny.
Simmons: ...
Sid: Go back to fucking your husband.
Arnold: That's enough Sid!
Harold: Yeah enough! One more peep out of you and I'll...I'll...I'll come over there and take your IPOD GEN1 TOUCH!
Stinky: Dirty mouth.
Lila: I agree.
Sid: Damn it. Sorry. I hate online...I hate this. I just wanna...I just wanna hug my friends. I wanna hangout with my friends without worry about a mask or bringing something home or spread it around. I hate this.
Simmons: I know Sid. We all do. We're all on this Titanic ship and it is drowning us deep into the ocean's deep secrets. We will survive this. I promise.
Eugene (singing): SO never let go of hope! It's a life saving rope! and like that seed our dreams come true...just because you're YOU!
Simmons: There you go Eugene!
Gerald: Simmons, we've missed at least 45 minutes of class... Can we just take the rest of the day off? It is Friday.
Simmons: Well you guys did stay on until I got back from helping Peter in the kitchen...you know what—**Simmons kicked out of meeting**
Phoebe: Mr. Simmons?
* GLITCH GLITCH GLITCH*
Curly has signed on; HOST
Curly: I AM NOW THE HOST! BOW BEFORE ME, HUMANS! I AM NOW IN THE CONTROL OF THIS MEETING! BOW BEFORE ME OR I SHALL HACK ALL THE COMPUTERS AS I HAVE DONE SO FAR!
Helga: What the hell you little worm!?
Rhonda: Ew, Curly! Did you record our conversation...AGAIN?
Gerald: Curly, you gotta stop recording our meetings. It's creepy.
Arnold: Curly can you let Mr Simmons back into the room?
Curly: NO! I AM THE HOST! FREE ALL THE ANIMALS!
Stinky: Looks like we have a Joe Exotic wannabe.
Curly: I AM THE OG TIGER KING!
Rhonda: I'd rather screw Joe than you in a heartbeat.
Lila: I have to go now if Curly is going to take over *signs off*
Curly: NOBODY CAN LEAVE! I AM THE HOST
Gerald: We can leave even if you are the host, Curly *signs off*
Rhonda: Toodles! *signs off*
Iggy *signs off*
Stinky: Bye ya'll. Stay safe! *signs off*
Curly: NO! STOP IT! STOP IT! I AM THE HOST! I CAN BE FUN!
Phoebe: Curly, you don't meet the credentials. Even if you did, you'd lose your teacher licenses in less than 0.1 seconds. *signs off*
Eugene: Guys...I think I need a doctor...The ER...See you later... Ugh *signs off*
Harold: Hey Curly, how about you stay on and play by yourself. HA HA HA HA HA *signs off*
Curly: NO!
Arnold *signs off*
Curly: NO!
*Everyone signs off*
Curly: DAMN IT! Now I have to hack Wartz! *signs off*
Sheena: *Turns on camera* Huh? Where is everyone?