Snape and the Troll Classroom
"I know many of you may feel a bit disoriented from the port key," Snape told his very oddly assorted classroom. "But let me assure you that you are safe and will be returned to your normal muggle lives as soon as we have had a serious conversation about your behavior. Do not worry, everyone has been stuck to their seat for safety."
The people in the classroom looked around at each other, flummoxed. Why were they here? How had they been summoned? And what in the hell were they doing in the potions classroom with Snape in charge? Didn't he realize he was a fictional character? Every one of them wondered if this was actually a dream.
"You can't port-key into Hogwarts," someone objected. "You're an idiot if you don't know that that was a major plot point in book four."
"And that is why you're here today," Snape snapped at them.
"But you didn't address the logical inconsistency!" they whined. "How dare you write fanfic if you don't address this!"
"You are the third group of people I have met with today," Snape continued, standing tall and with his hands clasped behind him, ignoring the interrupter. "The first group I met with today had to be accommodated in the Great Hall. I spoke to them over pastries and tea. They were quite pleasant, even for muggles."
"Why are we here?" one person in the back asked pugnaciously. "I didn't choose to come here."
"I should think it was obvious by now," Snape drawled sarcastically. "You are here upon the request of RainCityWriter to discuss your comments upon her various stories."
The room fell quiet, the people in the room shifted uncomfortably and looked away from the professor.
"In case you didn't read enough of her story to actually know who I am let me introduce myself," Snape said in a level tone. "I am Professor Snape, or at least the author's imagining of him. The author has asked me, given our long association, to talk with the commentators on her stories. The first group I spoke to consisted of everyone who has ever left her a comment. Some were a simple thank you or saying they enjoyed her work, some shared sad stories related to the work, some were funny and insightful, and some brought great joy and comfort and belonging to the author. She wanted me to personally thank them for how much they mean to her."
He glared at the room, daring one of them to offer a comment. "Then, I spoke to a second group of people. These were people that have really engaged in the writing, made good observations and offered suggestions, and offered critique. These are people she has private messaged with about motivations of different characters and gone back and forth about plot points. These are the people that she has sometime changed what she wrote based on a suggestion or a mistake that they have caught. There were people in this room that offered sometimes harsh critique, but as long as their critique was on the work and not on the author as a person, then they belonged in this group. The author had me pass out gifts to them, give them of tour of Hogwarts, and of course let them try out the broomsticks. And then, we get to you."
"I left honest critique!" one person protested.
"I will do you the courtesy of not outing your name," Snape told him. "But I have your comment right here. Hmm, you said that you hope she has no children in real life because you could tell how f*** up she was by what she wrote. If you knew her in real life you would actually know how funny that statement was, but moving on. This is not honest critique."
"I said that she needed to work on her grammar!" one prim young woman protested.
"By calling her an imbecile," Snape replied. "What happens if you do that to someone in real life?"
"But she didn't write the story like I wanted her to," a pimply faced teenager whined.
"Then don't read it," Snape answered sharply. "Look, she gives readers adequate warnings, if you don't want to read what's in her stories, don't read it."
"She must be sick," one skinny young man in sweat pants in the back commented. "You don't see me writing that stuff."
"I wonder who is sicker," Snape intoned. "The brave person who writes and puts their work online, or the person who verbally abuses them for doing so. One is harmless and if you want to ignore it you can, the other is actual harm done to another person."
"I think she needs a psychologist," the sweat pants early twenties person persisted. "I had a friend that saw a psychologist once so I'm now an expert on them, and I think that by what she writes she needs professional help."
"How do you know she's not a psychologist?" Snape asked calmly, arching a brow.
"She's a psychologist?" he asked, flummoxed.
"I didn't say that either," Snape told him. "I just said that you know nothing about the writer and that you are not a judge here. It would be like saying that by looking at your abusive comments that you must hit your girlfriend. Of course, I'm taking an enormous leap that you have gotten out of your mother's basement enough to procure a girlfriend."
"That's not fair!"
"Of course it's not fair," Snape nodded. "But why is it fair when you make those judgements but not when someone makes them about you?"
"These snowflakes can't take critique," a gruff middle aged man remarked. "In my day . . ."
"Let me be really clear here," Snape told them, glaring at the room until they were silent. "Critique is offering suggestions or corrections on the work presented. Trolling, also known as emotional or verbal abuse, is when you attack the author. If you say, 'I think you should work on your grammar in this passage,' that is perfectly fine critique. But if you say, 'You are an imbecile because of your grammar in this passage' then this is abuse. Everyone in the room should know this by now, and if you don't, then for Merlin's sake stay off of fanfic."
"Well I can't believe that she actually cites where she quotes the book," a voice in the back of the room pipes up. "Like we all haven't read it? And c'mon, it's not like fanfic isn't breaking international laws or anything. Citing something is ironclad."
"Citing the source material for a quote is polite," Snape answered, rubbing his temple. "And actually avoids plagiarism. And JK Rowling herself encourages fanfic. Where does this sense of superiority come from? Even if you were in Slytherin you would have been knocked down a peg or two."
"Does her parents know what she writes?" one young woman from the front asks, crossing her arms and glaring at Snape.
"If you had read her description of herself you would realize that she is older than Beyonce and younger than Oprah," Snape answered. "I have no idea who those women are, but I am told that should tell you she is in her forties, which I believe makes her of an age to be your parent. Suffice it to say, her parents hold little bearing on what she writes."
"She writes about child abuse," a prim woman with a French accent intoned. "She promotes it, it is illegal."
"And that is not only cultural superiority but it is a complete lack of understanding of the source material and the laws and culture at the time the source material took place," Snape snapped at her. "Please become more educated before pretending to be superior to others."
"Harry isn't spanked in the books!" she protested.
"But he is afraid he will be," Snape pointed out. "He's afraid that Professor McGonagall will cane him after his first flying lesson, which let me assure you he certainly deserved. And of course his aunt spoke of the cane often, as well as the Weasley twins having had some sort of physical punishment after they tried to make Ron make an unbreakable vow. During Harry's childhood Britain was moving away from corporal punishment, but it was legal and certainly something done in private schools in Scotland at the time. To say this wasn't an option is revisionist."
"But in this last story the author talked about Quarantine and I have big feelings about political issues with the pandemic that's happening in the world . . ."
"Please," Snape held up his hand. "Please, a moment. I knew you could not keep your opinions to yourself, I am prepared. This is something that is happening in the outside world, so I feel the need to quote an authoritative source. Yes, here it is, from Christa. Oh, I met her this morning, she was tolerable for not being a Slytherin. Here we are, and I'm quoting here, 'May I just point out that you're a jerk? For someone who has written 151 stories, it amazes me that you seem to lack the ability to read/comprehend a clearly written author's note. Take your trolling to Facebook where people may actually care about your opinion of worldwide pandemics.' So I am not sure about many of the muggle terms in that quote, but RainCityWriter assures me that it is succinct and thorough."
"But my political opinions . . ."
"Don't be an ass," Snape leveled with him. "RainCityWriter has lost a family member, and so have many other readers of this story. Allow them their grief, keep your idiocy to yourself."
"This writer is the embodiment of ignorance," came a voice from the back.
"Ah yes, RainCityWriter wanted to make sure you were here," Snape answered, looking for that parchment. "Yes, here it is. Is there a social worker we can call to make sure you are taking your meds?"
"If this writer had a brain he or she would have it out playing with it."
"I'm sure it is," Snape nodded. "You actually don't belong in this group really, we just didn't know where else to put you. But please let us know if there's anything we can do for you."
"But I want the author to write . . ." a middle-aged man began.
"I'm done!" Snape roared, suddenly realizing he had had enough. "There will be no more self-aggrandizing, arrogant, ignorant talk here! I have had to deal with death eaters that have better manners than you lot! Lucius Malfoy has nothing on you lot! For once and for all, abuse and arrogance is not wit and influence. How writers on fanfic manage to put up with all the abuse you hurl at them and are actually brave enough to put their work out into the world is beyond me."
"What are you going to do if we talk?" sweatpants man mocked. "Lines? A cane? Oh, we're so scared."
Snape had his wand out and had flicked it at the man before anyone in the audience could even blink, and the room fell silent.
"No lines, nor a cane," Snape answered with seductive coldness, his voice calm and calculating. "That would imply that I wanted further relationship with you, and I do not. Instead I have performed a silencing jinx, which should wear off in about a week, or after you have written an apology to at least ten authors that you have harmed, whichever comes first. You will not be able to speak or make any noises with your voice, no matter how hard you try. Does anybody else want to have a dose of this spell?"
The room was silent, with several people shaking their heads vigorously.
"Good," Snape replied. "I'm glad I finally have your attention. Though most of you are adults you behave worse than first years. I hope I have been able to educate you today at least a little bit about etiquette today. RainCityWriter has been encouraged by friends to go to other sites that have less of the trolling, but she loves this site and wants to stay here. So please, let's treat each other like human beings and stop this ridiculousness."
"Ha ha, we got you," one pale, late teen boy from the back cackled. "We got you! You should just take the abuse and ignore us! Anything else just encourages us!"
Snape rolled his eyes and flicked his wand again, transforming the teen into a person-sized version of a mountain troll. "Please, people, I have fought death eaters," he drawled. "To think you are anything other than a bothersome mosquito is self-delusion. You, young master troll, are now going to be a troll for twenty-four hours. Next time you post something troll-like you will smell like a troll for a week no matter how you wash nor what you wear. Would anybody else like to be a troll?"
The class looked around at each other, each silent.
"Then listen, and listen well. RainCityWriter believes in the best in people. She believes that when people are educated and heard that they will make better choices. But I am more . . . practical than she is. I don't believe in easy redemption, and I believe that anyone willing to spew this kind of bile online won't change easily. Am I correct?"
The class looked around uneasily, except for the troll who began eagerly picking his nose. Several people watched him pick a large green boogie from his nose and eat it eagerly. Several people paled as they realized they could suffer the same fate.
"Let me be really clear on this," Snape told the class. "So listen well. I am letting you off with a warning now. But if there needs to be any re-education, there will be consequences, and let me assure you that you will not like them. Are there any questions?"
"Can we make any comments?" the pimply faced teen squeaked.
"Responsible, non-troll ones," he replied. "You can comment on the writing, not the author. Treat people like fellow humans. Don't be an ass. Everyone here is capable of that."
He let that sink in as the class shifted silently.
"You will now be sent home," he told them sternly. "Don't make me bring you here again."
"Don't we get a tour?" one of them that hadn't spoken yet popped off in back.
Snape didn't answer, just glared. "Perhaps if you can make it into one of the other groups you can get a tour," he told them. "But for now go home and be glad your consequences are so light."
The class port keyed out of the classroom, and Snape shook his head. Didn't people have more to life than abusing anonymous authors online? It made no sense to him.
AN: I have been having some troubles with trolls lately, so I thought I'd let Snape deal with it for me. Please let me know what you think, and if you're an author, please let me know your experiences with trolls have been.