*ppppyyyyyyyeonh*
An asteroid that was perfectly minding its own god damn business was suddenly dragged away by a mysterious force. This forceful force drags the rock toward some other rock, which stick together like space glue to form an even bigger rock. Suddenly, this rock gets molested by a pair of dark hands, molding it with the care of a 15,000 pound elephant high on speed. Regardless of the level of manhandling, it seems to be working magic as the space shit that was once some rocks and stuff is now a well-crafted specimen of tat. He plays around with the buttons that are on it, making sure that they all press down, spring back up, you know, the usual button things.
"Finally my newest creation to fuck shit up is complete." The God of Darkness holds it out in a most satisfied manner, his arms stretching out far and wide.
"Are you going after Humanity again?" The God of Light has floated over toward him, wondering what has been created this time.
"Yes. They deserve it. Remember what happened 80 years ago?"
"You're still on that?"
"Of course! That stupid 'Salem' is still bouncing around in my metaphorical head. I swear, that yellow-haired bitch was so goddamn annoying. She stands there looking at me like I'm some sort of magic wand and asks "Can you revive my husband, pretty please with a cherry on top?" And I swear to god I just about threw the moon into her just for how sad she looked. Like a puppy that lost her favorite bone."
Darkness suddenly realizes a really, really, really immature joke that is just sitting there like a piece of meat ready to be chomped down upon.
"Wait, he's her "bone"! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-" Darkness is completely gone now, not able to stop laughing or indeed think about being a… reasonable being.
"Why was I forced to exist with you…" Light embodies what anyone who could see this would be thinking right now, his face showing a look of unfiltered annoyance.
After about 42,069 milliseconds, Darkness finally stops his laughing fit and starts actually speaking English.
"Anyway, this invention I cobbled together out of random space shit will be sure to cause damage to Humanity!"
"Didn't we-"
"Yes, we did. But guess who decided to send off some radio telegrams?! I was just hanging out letting myself flutter like a little monochrome butterfly in the solar wind and then I hear some sounds that went like "boopboopboopboop boop beep boopboop boop beep boop" Which apparently mean "Hello we are humans looking for other civilizations"! So it's time to go back again."
"Don't you think they might just be a bett-"
"LALALALALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Darkness jams his hands over both of his ears while simultaneously throwing the impromptu Frisbee straight toward Remnant. The spinning sounds quickly fade away as the toy rockets off into the emptiness of space.
"You know you could have just teleported it down there, right?"
"Yes."
…
…
…
…
"So…"
"It's more fun this way! Duh!" Darkness's jubilant expression is interrupted by the pongpongpongpong of the toy bouncing around inside the pieces of Remnant's shattered moon. Light joins Darkness in slamming their ears shut, but the harsh sounds still break through and almost make their eardrums explode. The moon is nearly turned into a plate of space vomit before the disc breaks out, continuing on its maiden voyage.
"Damn it all! That was not fun!"
"See why you just teleport down there? None of that happens."
"Shut up!"
"You first."
"No!"
"Yes."
"No!"
"Yes."
"No!"
"Yes."
"No!"
️️
Meanwhile in Beacon…
️
Team JNPR are hanging out doing whatever it is kids that get shoved into a group named after a weird bush do after dealing with whatever it is that those kids get up to before the thing they are about to do.
As they finish up the thing they are currently doing, one of those people has their scroll go off.
Hey! We got some letter that came from somewhere that we don't know! Want to come over here and read it with us?
"Who was that?" One of the people who wasn't the one who got the message asks the one who did.
"It was from that red one! She said that Team RWBY has a letter from someplace! We have to go read it with them!"
"Let's go then!" They all turn down that way, but just when the one with the sword and shield and blondeness and whatnot gets up, a painful crunch echoes throughout the room.
"Oh shit! I gotta go fix that!" He turns to go before a hand belonging to the one with some armor on (despite being surrounded by several walls and not having uncontrolled Grimm within 10 miles) rests on his shoulder.
"Are you sure? This letter is really important!"
"Yes I am."
"But don't you want to see the writings it contains?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because my weapon is broken."
"So? Why does that matter?"
"Because."
"Well okay, but hurry back!"
The armored one and two other weirdos that just happen to also exist turn away from him, walking out of the room, leaving the blond alone.
…
"How did my weapon break when it was all the way over in the corner?"
He moves over to that one corner that houses his weapon and some other irrelevants, quickly holding the weapon close to him.
"Dammit! Who did this!" The blond looks up to the sky for something to give him an answer, and surprisingly, one comes through.
"Why are you staring at me! You know full well I'm not a living being! I dunno who broke it, now scram!"
"Even the sky is against me. Why do I have to be so unlucky?" The swordsman continues musing to himself as he heads off to the official Beacon Weapon-Fixing Forge of Weapon-Fixing. After somewhere between 1 and 999 steps, he makes it there.
"Hello, Jaune Arc! What brings you here?"
"I have a name?" The recently-gifted Jaune's mouth drops open in surprise.
"Of course you do! Your name is Jaune Arc!"
"It is?"
"Yes! So, what brings you here, Jaune?"
He brings out his broken sword, setting it down on the table to show the receptionist.
"Oh, how unfortunate! I'll be sure to get that fixed up for you!" Just then a loud crash is heard coming from the other side of Beacon.
"Ignore that. Wait here please while I get your weapon in tiptop shape!"
"Do I really have to?"
"Yes! And besides, you wouldn't want to miss the horrible screaming sounds that come from your sword as I smelt it, would you?" The receptionist gleefully sets up a "Closed" sign, and goes back to THE FIRE ROOM with his sword in tow.
Jaune watches her go as he sits down in the chair that is smack dab in the middle of the room. "Wait, scream? Swords don't scream in-"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
"Don't worry little buddy, I'm only going to throw you straight into a pit of molten lava!"
His brain almost shatters into a zillion pieces.
️
️
"Hey girls whaaaaaaa….?" Pyrrha's words evaporate as she opens the door to see Team RWBY standing around an envelope like it is some spider that is about to jump up and attack.
"Oh hey Pyrrha! We were just looking at this envelope! Come on, come on!" Ruby beckons the rest of NPR to join her and her team in this rewarding escapade. Not phased by their weird stances, NPR join the group. The huntresses and the odd Ren out quickly shuffle around into a glorious heptagon, and as soon as everyone stops moving, Ruby starts on some nonsensical spiel.
"Alright! Now that everyone is here, let's open the mysteeeeeeeeeeeeeeerious letter!" She rockets there and back with her semblance, moving a whole 13 inches. Rose petals are also flying everywhere, making this quick pit stop all the more annoying. Her hands tremble in excitement as the envelope begins to get ripped open. She takes the paper out, holding it up like it was her Super-All-Time-Favorite cookie. But what makes this paper different from a cookie is that instead of sucking it in and enjoying the goodness, instead she decides to do the wondrous honor of passing this one off. With no warning.
"You read it, Blake!"
Blake can not respond because the letter has been jammed into her face. After a quick unsticking, Blake pulls it in front of her and begins to read.
️
Dear Team RWBY:
Did you know Jaune's transcripts were faked? I bet you didn't! Don't you just want to ruin him now? Don't you want to feed off of his juicy boy tears? Come on, I know you do! Haha! I can't wait to see him crawling away with a crazed look on his face like a bootleg crying baby!
- Cardin 'Motherfucking God Damn' Winchester
️
They stand in silence for a bit.
"WHO GIVES A FUCK!" Yang's scream almost blasts the eardrums off of everyone. She takes the letter and immediately lights it on fire.
"Yeah, who cares!"
"If he didn't deserve to be here, he would have already died."
"There's no way he can't be a huntsman!"
"I suppose that Arc is not irredeemable…"
"I much prefer having hi-" Ren gets cut off because his words were deemed to not contribute to the conversation.
"Great! Let's celebrate with some cake!"
"Did someone say cake?"
"We don't have a cake!"
Just to prove Weiss wrong, Ruby rushes over, grabs some eggs, flour, strawberries, flavored lotion, cherry kool-aid, a Jaune bobblehead, cough syrup, and a pinch of tasty, mixing it all up into a bowl. Almost instantly a cake begins to tower out of the bowl, and after only a minute of furious whisking the perfect cake is complete.
"Let's go!" Ruby steals the entire top of the three-layer dessert, shoving it into her mouth like a squirrel shoves acorns. But acorns are fucked up and horrible. This cake isn't.
"Mmmmmmmmm!"
The other hunters reluctantly start to politely chow down on their own, less fattening, cake slice.
"This cake is surprisingly good." Ren is the first to show his pleasure.
"You better make more of these, Ruby! These mmph sho meliscious!" Typical Nora, not even waiting to finish talking before stuffing herself up with more sweets. Before anyone else can respond, a whirr breaks through the air, taking everyone's attention up to the ceiling.
"What is that sound?"
"I have no idea, but it sounds like some-"
️
BOOM!
️
The mysterious rotating disc crashes through the roof and onto the floor, latching itself into the carpeting beneath it. The cake wobbles worse than a table with one leg on top of a spinning record, forcing Ruby to cover her arms with frosting to stabilize it. Luckily for her, she doesn't have to suffer long, as thanks to some voodoo, their hands suddenly begin to magnetize to the seven buttons on the machine. In an instant the machine starts beeping some ungodly tune of randomized noises, before all seven participants' eyes suddenly vanish from their head. They collapse onto the floor all facing straight up, their empty eye sockets exposed to the air, and their hands stuck on the buttons.
️
️
...In some more stupider plane of existence…
️
A mysterious parasite that is wearing an invisibility cloak burrows down into the brain of one Weiss Schnee. Its first thought as it breaks inside is one that people who have been around her have said many, many times before.
Hot damn, that's a lot of white…
Unsurprisingly, there is a lot of white. So much white that- wait, I already used this joke. Fuck!
Anyway, the parasite searches around for the perfect vehicle to cause maximum destruction. It worms around into her temporal lobe, and inside is… a bunch of wooden alphabet blocks?
What the…?
The blocks are everywhere, set up in hundreds and hundreds of seemingly unconnected strings.
It uses all 14 of its totally not stolen eyes to try to digest them all. Thanks to the infinite brain power given to it by the God of Darkness, it figures out what they all mean in an instant.
One thing that all these brains have in common is the presence of one friendly huntsman in their mind. Who? Why none other than Yatsuhashi of course! The parasite stares up at the blocks, which spell out the words 'Yatsuhashi Good'.
Somehow I don't think that's the right one…
The worm whips out its hand, knocking the blocks over, but also getting a sharp poke in return.
OWWW! Does Atlas manufacture their women this sharp in the factory?! What the hell?!
Good thing that invisibility cloak is there to stop its splintered hand from being visible. Or causing a brain aneurysm. Behind the now ruined set of blocks are two more pairs of words.
'Jaune Decent' 'Cardin Terrible'
Ohoho! What if we switch those two around? That's gonna cause some sparks to fly…!
And so the parasite does. Quickly figuring out the blocks are only sharp on the corners, it exchanges the two bottom words, changing Weiss's opinion of Jaune to Terrible. But that's not good enough. There's gotta be more flair, more substance to the dislike.
Got it!
The parasite combs through her mind for the words it wants to add on. So what if a few of her memories aren't as bombastic as they used to be? It slinks back happier than a clam with the required blocks. A little bit of finesse here… some touching up there… done! It retreats a bit to look back at the glorious handiwork.
'Jaune Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Terrible'
Seven should be enough, right? Yeah. Definitely.
It crawls out of her brain, and just about goes back into the machine before realizing something…
Oh crap! I forgot to infect the others! Luckily its got a plan. The worm speaks for the first time, bellowing out two simple commands:
"Control-C, Control-V." There goes Ruby.
"Control-C, Control-V." Down goes Blake.
"Control-C, Control-V." Goodbye Nora.
"Control-C, Control-V." And Pyrrha too.
"Control-C, Control-V." Also Ren.
"Control-C, Control-V." The last one to get the "gift" of impractical Jaune-hatred, Yang Xiao Long, is now officially broken.
Thank god that is over… now to give them their eyes back…
Seven pairs of eyes return to their sockets. There's only a few seconds before they all wake up, so that clever little bugger has to hurry! It jumps inside the machine, slotting itself in right on top of the speaker. And not a moment too soon, because like a synchronized dance, everyone bursts back to Remnant, no longer ensnared in a painless coma.
️
"Uuuuuuuuu… what the hell happened?" Ruby is the first one to get up. Her eyes frantically blink as they adjust to being back inside her face again. One of the first thing it sees is the Jaune bobblehead, resting slightly slanted on the second layer of the now almost unrecognizable cake. The imagery of him is all it takes to activate the planted feelings, and she quickly becomes enraged, slapping it straight off the cake. It flies toward the wall, quickly breaking into lots and lots of pieces. The noise makes everyone else jump to attention.
"Rubes?! What the hell was that?!"
"Jaune!"
"Jaune?" Yang's programming activates, coloring her next few words. "Oh yeah, Jaune!" Her eyes turn redder than a tomato, and it takes all her effort not to just bolt out after him.
"He is literally the worst human alive." Pyrrha is the one to go for the overreach, but it doesn't matter because she is surrounded by people who think the exact same way.
"Yes."
"Yes."
"Yes."
"Yes."
"Yes." See? Wasn't lying.
"Hello! Welcome to the very first customizable Simon Says toy! Record your voices by pressing the corresponding button!" The little parasite hides under the speaker, eardrums punctured thanks to the absolutely terrible audio blaring through its ears.
Nora is there to rescue it from future pain, quickly pointing out the machine to the rest.
"Hey! Why not record ourselves spewing some cruel shit at him! That will make Jaune cry in pure agony!"
"Agony?" "Agony?!️!" "Agony?!️!️!️!️!️!" Everyone's voice increases in intensity as they all get stars in their eyes thinking about all the fun times they will have crushing his emotions so hard that his mind explodes into a soup of death and sadness and depression and sadness and failure and death and depression and sadness and failure and death a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-
They all waste no time getting to work on their best lines.
️️
Back at the Weapon-Fixing forge…
️
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Jaune continues cringing at the unending screams coming from his sword. To his surprise, though, the receptionist/metalmolder bursts out of the room with the extremely warm stick.
"All done! Do you like your weapon?" Jaune looks at the 'finished' product, still glowing a faint red from all the heat. It is his sword, however, glimmer and all.
"Can I have an oven mitt?"
"Sure! Here you go, Jaune!" She flings an oven glove at him, and in a one-in-a-million stroke of luck, it falls directly onto his right hand, perfectly snuggling around his fingers.
Now safe from having his hand charred, Jaune grabs Crocea Mors, swinging it around a few times to make sure its feels right.
It moves… it can swing… Jaune aims at a piece of the desk, and is amused when it is sliced clean through, with absolutely no resistance whatsoever.
And it's sharp… it's a sword… Eh, it's probably the same thing.
"You people work magic! Thanks!" Jaune runs away with the sword and the oven mitt, miraculously not setting anything on fire.
After a quick run of oh… I dunno… 3 minutes or so, Jaune finally returns to his dorm. He almost walks in, but his memory comes in to save him at the last second, instead redirecting him to the Team RWBY dorm. He gently opens the door to see a whole lot of faces staring at him.
"Hey Jaune! Fuck you!" Everyone from RWBY and NPR yell out the classiest of insults in perfect sync.
"What did I do?"
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…"
Meanwhile, the parasite (named Kururin for those who were wondering) cringes even harder than thought possible under the speaker as it realizes it forgot to give any of them a good reason. Or any reason for that matter.
"He made me destroy this cake!"
"Cake?" Jaune has absolutely no idea what in the ever-loving fuck a cake is, as he never got to have one of those back home. His sisters ate them all before he could ever see any.
"Yes, the cake! Now you are going to pay for what you have done to us!'
"The fuck are you-" Ruby's frosting-laden hands press the gigantic yellow 'play' button, interrupting his logical thought. The red button flashes, sounding a generic tone before playing the first recording.
"Jaune Arc is the worst thing in all of Beacon! He sucks!"
The machine gets no time to relax before buzzing out two tones, the red and white button flashing in sequence.
"Jaune Arc is the worst thing in all of Beacon! He sucks! And he is a buffoon!"
A green light is third up on the chopping block.
"Jaune Arc is the worst thing in all of Beacon! He sucks! And he is a buffoon! And he has no politeness!"
The insulting lines combined with the low quality audio sampling are more effective than chemotherapy. Jaune can almost feel his brain cells being zapped into the abyss, each and every word taking away at least a few hundred...
After way, way too many seconds of painful torture, the avalanche of insults finally ends.
"Alright Vomit-Boy! You're going down!"
His eyes freeze up as he stares at all of his 'friends'. Jaune blinks and all of their weapons conveniently appear in their hands, all pointed straight at him.
Didn't they just not have their weapons before? Jesus I really am going crazy, aren't I…
"Five!"
I should be running, shouldn't I…
"Four!"
Alright legs, let's go! Unfortunately for Jaune, his nervous system seems to have disconnected from the server, as his legs refuse to move an inch.
"Three!"
Handstand time! But it seems his elbows have also disconnected. Quite sad.
"Two!"
Can I just think them away? The remaining 85,999,962,805 neurons in his brain all collaborate together to wish this whole situation away, but it's no use. Even the old 'object permanence' trick won't work on these guys.
"One!"
Well, guess I'm dead now. Maybe in my next life I'll actually be able to try some cake…
"Zero!" All seven of his new enemies take their battle stances, narrowing their eyes at their prey. Jaune doesn't even bother to wiggle his eyebrows as he waits for his fiery, bullet-filled, stabtastic, freezing, explosive doom...
️
"Halt!"
️
A new voice stops this soap opera dead in its tracks.
"You will not be killing a huntsman of this academy without a very good reason!" Glynda runs onto the scene, getting between Jaune and the not-Jaunes.
Everyone's eyes are bolted on her now. Even the parasite has chewed through the toy to watch this unfold.
"Jaune Arc! How did this happen?"
"W-w-w-w-wuh… uhhh… uhhhhh…." Jaune️.️exe has stopped working, there's just no better way to say it.
"That's quite enough, Mr Arc! I will handle this situation. Lay down your weapons!"
RWBY and NPR lower their weapons. Jaune blinks and they mysteriously disappear again.
"Explain to me what you did to them?!" Glynda's eyes stare into his soul.
"Nothing, Ms. Goodwitch!"
"Wrong answer!" She cracks her whip in Jaune's general direction, sending him flying through the hall and through the first of a smattering of walls.
️
...
"Velvet, oh Velvet, how clownish you are!" Cardin uses a pin to stab a six-foot tall body pillow of his most hated nemesis right through the ears.
"Velvet, thyne Velvet, how meek you are!" Russel stabs another pin straight into her mouth, this one colored a sickly green.
"Velvet, oh Velvet, how scared-
CRASH!
Jaune flies through the room at Mach 7, breaking through the opposite wall in less than a second. The shockwave surrounding him causes all the pins in the room to scatter wildly, lodging themselves in the quadruplet. They can barely move without crying out in pain.
A melodious chorus of "Ow!" is all that is heard from any of them for awhile.
️
Jaune breaks through the four-teenth wall, officially exiting Beacon Academy. He flies through the air just above the ground, killing off an uncountable number of grass, breaking through a couple more walls, and just being a general nuisance to everything he passes through before finally smacking into a street pole, stopping his momentum. He unceremoniously plops on the ground, kicking up all kinds of dust from his wrecking-ball experience.
"What the hell happened?" Jaune knows what the hell happened, but his mind is working overdrive to block that memory from saving. He looks out to see that, surprisingly, he is still in Vale. He looks up to the almighty Sun, shining bright as can be on this clear day. The Sun thinks that Jaune is looking way too ugly to shine upon, though, and immediately bolts below the horizon, pushing Vale into darkness.
People start freaking out like there is a zombie apocalypse, and if one were to look at Jaune right now, they might just think that he is a zombie…
He walks around the street, getting bumped a couple of times by Valean citizens that are flailing around. It's not long before he finds a dark alleyway to hide in.
Maybe I could relax here for a while…
Against common advice, he turns down the alley, quickly disappearing into the near-total darkness.
He just starts to relax when he is tapped on the shoulder. Jaune whips around toward the disturbance, only to find black staring him in the face.
"Can I help you?"
Like a magic trick, some lamps lining the alley burst into life, bathing the area with light and also revealing just who tapped the blond huntsman. Jaune's eyes roll back to the inside of his head as he takes a good, hard look at this figure. He stands just over 5 feet tall, wearing a crisp navy blue shirt, along with some more normal-looking pants that are the exact same color. This getup is topped off by a snazzy red bowtie resting just under his neck. But that's not what confuses Jaune. The one feature that's more shocking than all of them are the unmistakable set of pig ears that lay on top of his head. Pink. Really Pink.
"You're in a bi-bi-bit of a pickle now, aren't ya?"
Confused? Good.
This is what happens when I let my mind truly roam free to do whatever it wants without putting a check on anything. It makes shit up pretty fast, but… yeah. This whole thing, fic, titling, cover art and all, was done in less than 24 hours.
Maybe this will help me write better, get all the crazy juice out of my system for other fics that matter more. Allow me to actually not get myself stuck on a chapter for a week and a half, like what happened most recently. Or maybe this will just make that urge even worse, I dunno.
I make no guarantees as to updates or honestly even keeping this up at all, this is just whenever I feel like doing this kind of literary vomit. It's better that way.