Fandom: SVU and One Chicago

Title: Tainted Desires

Chapter 1: More Questions Than Answers

P O V: Amanda Rollins

A/N: I own nothing in the Dick wolf universe of course. All credit for the SVU and One Chicago characters goes to him, his company and NBC. No hate please, if Rollins and SVU ain't your thing don't read. This fic will be very Amanda eccentric and will eventually be Rolivia pairing. If two females being together isn't your thing, best leave now. Leave a review if you like this fic please. As always thanks to Christine for the support.

Residence of Amanda Rollins

Kings and Queens Brough Apartment Complex

8519 Grandcourse, RD Bronx, NY 10463

"Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, confidence, sharing, and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Love is content with the present; it hopes for the future, and it doesn't brood over the past. It is the day-in and out chronicles of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories, and common goals. If you have love in your life, it can make up for many things that you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else is there, it isn't enough. Amanda, I am so sorry I should have told you sooner, but I love you; honestly, I think I always have since I have known you."

"You have a funny way of showing it, Olivia; you've treated me like shit ever since we met, after douche-bag left. You took your anger out on me; you questioned every choice I ever made and treated me like I was a stereotypical dumb-blond incapable of doing my job, which isn't true. I am a damn good detective, but you never appreciated or saw my entire worth. You dismissed me, rolled your eyes at me, huffed like a second grader who didn't get her way on the playground."

"Amanda, no amount of apologizing will ever make up for how I treated you in those early days. I am so sorry though, I was in pain, and I didn't know how to handle myself or my anger. So I drank a lot, too much. I have no real girlfriends to talk to, not since Casey and Alex left. I let the alcohol bury my feelings; it drowned them out and numbed me, leaving me empty. Seeing you come onto the force so young and energized filled with creative and intuitive ideas, the enthusiasm and youthful looks and personality to match well it killed me."

"Why, Olivia?"

"Amanda, I felt my-self worth plummet, growing up I had these grand notions how my life would play out, what I would accomplish in my career, the type of mother I would be, and who I would spend my life growing old with, for so long I believed it was Elliot."

"So when he left you, Liv, you were blindsided, and you thought you weren't worth sticking around for or even remembering since he ghosted you for the next ten years. In the aftermath, you felt your youth was slipping away, and you had wasted it on someone who used you for his own needs, as long as it suited him, when you didn't suit his needs anymore, he discarded you."

"Yes, Amanda. I was stuck as a second-grade detective. I was childless, alone with no real friends nearing fifty years old. Here you come, young, blond, ambitious, brilliant a bad-ass woman who could do it all, rise in her career while raising a young child as a single mother. You never complained no matter how hard life got for you, Amanda, you took every blow life, and I gave you. Shielded yourself and built your armor. I am so ashamed of how I behaved because I was jealous, Amanda. I know they say you take things out on the ones you love the most, but it's no excuse."

"Amanda, can you ever forgive me?"

Olivia's fingers reach up to touch my cheek, soft, warm, and intoxicating like her scent, leaving my mouth cotton candy dry my head is spinning so fast I am left unbalanced forgive her. Is it even possible after everything I was put through? Is it simply that easy?

"Liv, I don't know so much has happened. Why do you need forgiveness now? We've been friends for a while now; our pasts are behind us; why bring them up and not look towards the future? You've given me a lot to think about, I knew you were hurting. It's nice to hear you say these words; Liv truly it means a lot to me because.." Nervously I lick my lips, having a hard time admitting the truth out loud; my heart throbbed. "I love you..No, I am in love with you, Liv. I want you closer to me. Can you come closer so I can touch you?"

Olivia smiles softly but radiantly; she's so close I reach out to touch her, but with every step I take, she fades further away.

My leg shoots up; my body twists in the sheets, which I yank off; a cold gust of air blows past my sweaty body, which sits up so violently in shock I am shaking as if someone poured a bathtub of ice-cold water over my body to wake me up. Breathing hard, I cough twice, pulling my knees to my chest, struggling to breathe; how can my lungs forget to breathe? Tears slide down my cheeks, already slick with sweat an overwhelming urge to cry grips my chest. Why am I so so sad? What dream did I dream about, and why can't I remember? My body jerks from the cold and brutal waking it received. I'm dizzy from the roller-coaster and confusion trying to remember what I dreamed of and why it was so damn important, why tears are flowing down my cheeks.

Looking up in my darkened room, I see shadows racing past for a quick minute I jump in shock, my heart hammering, causing a new round of sweat to form. The shadows will not hurt me; it's not ghosts of my pasts; they are only people rushing past my apartment building to get to the subway, bus stops, or whatever destination they are heading towards; it's a reflection of the mirror catching the rain falling as the wind picks up the drops carrying them in its grip, shattering them into a million directions.

Getting up cautiously, I stretch, looking at my window, which is barred tightly; the bars are all intact, with no shattered glass. No one can get inside, but I am still nervous; the constant thunder clapping from the storm outside isn't helping; my body jerks and gasps from inside; I've never liked thunderstorms. My fingers ache from being clenched, so I loosen them up; rubbing my eyes, I feel a yawn overtaking my tired body.

Stumbling to the bathroom, I trip over something hard. "shit." I mumble as a sharp. "Woof." and a shrill "meow." fill the air. My dog Frannie Mae and cat midnight sky turn to me angrily. "Sorry, guys," I mumble, reaching for the light switch; the suddenness of the bright light startles and blinds me momentarily.

Blinking, I adjust to the light, staring at my reflection in the mirror. "uh, not pretty." My blond hair is mattered to my warm slick skin, looking like the lock nest monster. Dark under-rimmed circles line my eyes which look bloodshot. My face is pale, the color of ash and Grey shaking my head; I clear my mind to rid myself of the toxin of whatever the hell that dream was.

Brushing my teeth, the sharp cinnamon helps to awaken my senses enough to see the shadow pass by my mirror, causing me to jump. My hand flies to my heart the brush clatters to the sink. "Jesus, Lord," I mutter. "Get a grip on yourself, woman; you're a grown-ass woman; stop acting like a scared child after a scary movie."

I force a deep breath to escape my lips, walk to the door and close it, leaning against the closed door, taking deep breaths. Why am I so shaken over this damn dream? What could it have been about to leave me so jittery? "I love you, Amanda." Olivia's voice whispers inside my head why she's never said those words to me ever in the ten years we've known each other. Even after I said those words to her in the courthouse, I meant them as a friend but felt them way more than a friend or co-worker. Liv couldn't or wouldn't say those words back, which shows me how worthless I am in her world.

So why are they conquered up inside my head now? Stepping into the shower, I close my eyes, letting myself relax as the warm water washes over my flesh, tickling and massaging my skin. Waking me up fully as the steam fills the room, allowing me to breathe more accessible, the warm water feels terrific like a campfire in the middle of winter. My body has been so tense lately every muscle is rigid and painful, causing headaches and flareups in my arthritis, I know I need to rest slow down, but I can't, leaning my head against the wall, taking a deep breath to center my racing thoughts; I have so much going on in my life where do I start to break to slow down?

I can't slow down; I am a single mother raising two beautiful kids, fifteen-year-old Savannah Leigh Knox- Rollins, and Adore Amaro-Rollins, eight years old, they are brilliant kids with endless amounts of energy who never stop moving from one passion to the next. On top of taking the kids to every end of the earth, I am also caring for my father, Jim Rollins, who is in a rehab center after having two strokes in the past two weeks.

Time seemed to freeze when I first learned that my dad was facing a life-threatening illness; now I am head-to-toes deep in lawyers, wills, end of life decisions, his debts, trying to get a power of attorney, trusts, cd's, securing his properties, dealing with his bitch of a wife, paying his bills, all while working my very demanding and time-consuming job as a detective in the Manhattan Special Victims Unit.

Getting out of the shower, I turn the music up on my iPod speakers and start the morning routine of getting ready, thankful it's Friday; we're allowed to dress casually but professionally on Fridays, so black skinny jeans, a black T-shirt featuring Kenny Chesney and a black blazer it is today. Dancing to the music, I sing softly as I comb and braid my mid-back length golden hair. Music has always been a savior to me ever since I was old enough to turn up the radio and move my feet. I have always taken dance lessons starting at the YMCA in Loganville, GA as a kid to Atlanta as a young college student and now here in NYC when I have time which lately isn't much, but I try to fit them in whenever I can because we all need a little me time. When I am not dancing, you can find me singing at the top of my lungs as I clean or cook as if I am on stage at the garden.

Guess it shouldn't shock me that my kids followed in my footsteps since they were very young; now they have a very successful YouTube channel, they post daily anything from dance tutorials to their own choreographed routines to the current hit songs and original music they take cover requests and are constantly cursing the city for sweet spots to shoot their videos with the help of their best friend Noah-Porter-Benson nine-years-old and their cousins who live in Chicago.

Savannah, Adore, and their cousin's fifteen-year-old twin girls Sunshine and Sunset Brett formed a band seven years ago playing in festivals and birthday parties, weddings, conventions, and subway stations. They call themselves Knoxville Heat, and they are hot so damn hot that last year they signed with Sony records and are set to release their debut album next Tuesday. Tomorrow they are playing at the Country Music Awards, which for the first time is being held here in New York City; they've already built a massive fanbase from their YouTube channel and even scored themselves a fierce rival in another YouTube star who used to be very close friends with them.

Aymara Gomez, a sixteen-year-old YouTuber, turned to a Disney star with her show Countdown To Fame. She portrayed an ordinary farm girl Angel Jones from Tennessee, who moved to LA to find her dream of fame as a singer, but quickly discovered the price of fame is too high. So she created a secret identity calling herself Tennessee Sugar to live two lives, one as a teen-pop star and one as an ordinary teenager. Sunshine was cast as her co-star to play her best friend on the show, a quirky misfit who worshiped Tennessee Sugar and had no idea that Angel and Sugar were one-in-the-same.

The first two years Aymara and Sunshine got along brilliantly, supporting each other in their personal and professional lives, having sleepovers, and doing YouTube collaborations with the rest of Knoxville and several of their Disney friends. The show was an instant hit among the tween-to-teen crowd leading to promo tours and concerts with the entire cast and endless interviews; somehow, Sunshine became the most sought after among the five prominent cast members. I believe it's because of her bright and shining, sparkling personality. She's eager to make friends and please people; she has an exuberant and pleasant personality and is so creative with a very sharp business mind she hasn't had any issues separating professional life from personal. Mainly because her mom, my cousin Sylvie Brett has provided a very stable and loving home for the twins; she puts education first and has drilled into those girl's manners, work ethic, and gratitude.

Aymara struggled to balance business and personal affairs; she let the media tear her self-esteem down and valued what fans thought about her far more than it should ever take resident in someone's heart. The fans seemed to pit these two against each other. The media created a shit-storm of lies, rumors, and jealously. Aymara believed them and made life unbearable for Sunshine and paint her as unprofessional; Aymara started experimenting with drinking despite being underage, using drugs, and fell deep into the pits of an eating disorder.

After she failed to show up to set on time too many times, blacked out in interviews, and got into a fight at an award show with Sunshine and Savannah; Disney canceled the show,. Her fans blamed Knoxville for the canceled show, but the media sky-rocked Knoxville as success stories that survived Disney and stayed humble, grownups love them, and slowly over the last year, many of the fans who blamed them have become hard-core fans.

Tomorrow, they accept an award for the most influential YouTube star under twenty-five because, along with weekly dance and song videos, they also challenge their fans to change their surrounding community, which will help change the world for their future kids. Because of them multiple organizations have been supported, and several fans have sought help after feeling suicidal because they felt heard by Knoxville.

"Not bad, Mama," I mumble to myself as I stare at my reflection in the mirror, smoky lavender eye-shadow, pink disobedient lipstick blush rose checks, and five-inch ankle boots to add some extra height to my 5'7 frame. "Maybe Olivia will notice me today." I laugh as an answer to myself. She never notices me unless I do something wrong; any other day, I am invisible. If I weren't before this month, I would forever be now that Elliot Stabler is back inside her world.

A yawn escapes my mouth, shocking me guess I will need more than an impromptu singing session in my bathroom to wake my ass up this morning. Hurrying out, I prepare the coffee to brew, singing Ghost Town to myself.

I've been tryin' to make you love me.

But everything I try just takes you further from me

Some day we gon' set it off

Some day we gon' get this off

Baby, don't you bet it all

Taking a deep breath, I head to my daughter's room, already hearing their voices, all blending, practicing. Sunshine and Sunset flew in from Chicago yesterday, and Noah slept over last night so they could practice well into the night to prepare for tomorrow. The sound of Savannah's guitar fills the air, along with the piano being played by Sunset. They are singing the first single from their album called Butterflies. I can hear their flawless vocals as they sing with their whole hearts not too loudly since it's only five-thirty am but with more energy than I can fake at this hour.

Verse 1

Butterfly, oh butterfly, watching you grow.

I saw you glow, but I never knew it meant you would go your own way.

I guess you were never really mine to call mine own.

If you love someone, they say let them go, and if it's true, they will come back to you.

Chorus

Enjoy your flight, oh butterfly.

I am on my journey. Don't push, don't rush, even if you are misunderstood.

Life is a metamorphosis. Spread our wings, use our voices.

Let me remind you, Jesus created each of us unique.

We are beautiful; we are vibrant and perfect in our imperfections.

You will never take away our shine or our rights to be bold.

Show your colors; you don't have to fall in line; you can shine.

I will use my voice to spread your name forever and ever.

Verse 2

I'm young, but I have lived a decade of valuable lessons, and I won't hide my pain.

Secrets only make you sicker.

Trust your heart, follow your instincts.

Love is necessary, even when it hurts, and you feel broken, lost, and alone.

Remember what your knees are for;

He will never give you more than what he knows we can handle; heartache is unavoidable.

Don't be blinded. Open your heart, trust yourself.

Because loneliness is brutal.

Repeat Chorus

Bridge

No one warned you about the price of fame, did they?

Bright lights chasing the highs and cameras constantly flashing in your eyes;

Fake a smile; everything is okay, even when you are crying and dying inside.

Verse 3

All the money and awards mean nothing without faith, purpose, and happiness.

When the atmosphere makes your head spin, oh pretty butterfly

Drop to your knees and talk to him above; he is our shoulders when our feet are too weak.

Turn your weakness over to Jesus, and he will be your strength.

Repeat Chorus

"Guys, you sound amazing, but school starts in forty-five minutes; let's get going." Groans fill the air as all the kids shoot daggers in my direction; Noah even uses his fingers to direct the invisible laser beams shooting from his baby blue eyes towards me before pointing his fingers as if they are a trigger and making an explosive sound. "Yes, I am aware I am a buzzkill, but education comes first. Sunshine, and Sunset, I've set up your laptops in the living room make sure you are logged onto your classes on time; I do not need your mother calling me huffing and puffin because you two are being rebellious. Tomorrow is important, but so is school."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"This sucks! I hate school!" Noah and Adore both cross their arms, glaring at me. I swear those two are twins puffing my breath out in quick gasps; I pray silently for the strength to get through this morning. Adore, of course, has way more to say than simply it sucks.

"There's nothing to do there. It's boring."

"Please don't argue, honey, school, ain't supposed to be fun; you are there for an education."

"I don't get it; Why do I have to go in person? Give me one good reason, why can't I do it online like the twins?"

"Because I said so. If you don't stop arguing, you are going to be grounded."

"Big deal. Ground me. What's the difference? I can't ever do anything, anyway."

"Okay. You're grounded for the entire weekend. No award show, no friends, no internet, no after-party. No phone or TV, want to keep pushing me, or do you want to get your ass to school?"

Adore looks shocked as all the kids gasp at the no-awards show. "No fair than we're all screwed. He's part of the group! You can't do that, Mama, Aunt Amanda! We committed!"

"I can't wait until I grow up and get out of this house!" Adore blows out his breaths in heated gasps of puffed air, his freckled face turning beat red. "Than ya'll better get your brother/cousin's attitude turned around right quick, cuz I ain't got time for this drama."

"He's sorry, right, Adore? Say your sorry dumb-ass, or I swear I will take my Lindsay Ell signed guitar and smash it over your pretty-boy bratty head."

Savannah's tone is a no-mess all business hiss of anger and determination, she's truly my mini-me. Adore takes one look around at the three girls all standing with their hands on their hips, and Noah beamed eyes straight at him and quickly turns back to me, swallowing in fear and panic. "I'm sorry Mama, I'm sorry I will be quiet and go to school please don't ground me, I love you, Mama you rock."

"Boy, quit your beggin' and get dressed; we're going to be late if you keep this mess up."

By the grace of Jesus, we are out the door in twenty minutes heading towards the subway to go to Manhattan. "Let's go, my dear, I have got to get to work on time, or my boss will slaughter me and take pleasure in it, and I ain't had my coffee yet, so I ain't got no patience for dying today ya'll."

"Aunt Amanda, isn't my mama your boss?" Noah looks at me with wide-eyed, curious, confused eyes. Shit, I think to myself as I swallow against the lump inside my swollen throat. "Yes, Noah, she is, and your Mama is a beautiful woman, but she runs a tight department. So I have to follow her orders the same way you have to listen to your teachers and principal, and the same way your mother has to follow her boss's orders. If I am late, there are consequences."

"Yeah, my Mama can get cranky some days; it ain't pretty on those days." Noah shakes his head, his bright eyes wide in amusement and a little fear. "She tells me she doesn't mean to take things out on me sometimes she just loses her cool because she's under a lot of pressure, and we take things out on the ones we love the most because we know they understand us enough to know they don't mean to be mean."

Noah's innocent voice brings a smile to my face; he is so young, cute, and raw with his feelings. Kids his age haven't learned to lie yet; they haven't learned how powerful their words are. They simply view the world as they see it and expect others to have the same vision.

"Does your Mama snap at you often?" Noah shrugs, ruffling his curly brown hair. I smile at his half-shrug and confused look. In the last year, he's grown so much, taking on some serious responsibilities as the choreographer for Knoxville, class president of his grade level, and creating a foundation to help young people combat bullying in New York City schools, even taking his foundation online to raise money.

Two years ago, he acted out so badly he was in danger of failing first grade and being suspended; now, he's on the honor roll every semester and being voted most inspirational in his school; all because he found his passion and dared to chase after his dream.

Dance and Music. I credit Olivia for raising him to be such a strong-willed, self-confident young man, always encouraging him and never forcing him into gender roles. "A few nights ago, her friend came by; His name is Elliot, but I call him Pukeface, don't tell Mama, but he's faker than Kim Kardashian butt-checks. I tried to get her to help me with homework, but I was banned to my room as soon as he came by. They were arguing for hours. Uh, I never thought it would end! I yelled at him to leave because he was upsetting my Mama, and she yelled at me called me disrespectful and noisy. I heard her crying after he left Aunt Amanda, but since I was disrespectful and noisy, I didn't bother to check because I figured she would only get madder at me."

Putting my arms around Noah, I pull him tighter to my side, ruffling his hair. "I'm sorry she yelled at you, Noah, but your Mama loves you very much, and I am sure she feels bad about yelling. Whatever, Elliot, I mean anger-boy said probably upset her, and she didn't think that she was taking it out on you."

"Yeah, she said the same thing the next morning, but I doubt she means it; she's always dropping everything for him. I hate him, Aunt Amanda. I know Jesus says we're not supposed to hate but will he make an exception because I am only eight years eight-years-old, I don't have enough patience in my entire body to put up with his stupid for long; he's a special type of stupid."

Noah rolls his eyes as we get off the subway into the heart of Manhattan, laughing. I can feel myself snorting. Dear Lord, he is going to make me piss myself before seven am. "Yes, Noah, I think Jesus can make an exception for you since you've been such an outstanding boy this past year."

"Good, maybe he can give me some for Mama too. I swear she spends more time on her dang cell phone checking for messages from him than a teenage girl spends on hers."

"Hey!" Savannah yells out, bopping him across the head. "I wasn't talking about you, Savannah dang sensitive much? You're not a real girl. I mean, my Mama cries over the texts; she throws the phone and pouts when he doesn't reply right away. She's overly dramatic over that loser; you're not like that Savannah; you're more of the chilled. I flow to my vibe and don't need your response vibe. Take me or leave me as I am a girl. You're the cool girl everyone dreams about, Savannah."

"Uh, gross, have you met my sister, Noah? She's anything but that; she smells, she farts, she whines and takes forever in the bathroom cause she has to be beautiful for her cute boy fans."

"I'm going to kill you, Adore!"

"Being a kid sucks some days, Aunt Amanda. I mean, fro real, if I threw my phone when I got mad. Oh Lord, Mama would have me locked up in a cell lecturing me about money and responsibility, but she can throw it and have no consequences? I want to skip being young and go straight to adulthood, Aunt Amanda."

"Oh, honey, that ain't so much fun either. Take my word on it, sweet boy."

"Nah, I think we should switch one day, Aunt Amanda. I'll be the judge on that one." "Okay, Noah, well, we will get back to this conversation later. I need to catch a sub to my work now; you kids behave today, listen to your teachers, be respectful, and do your work. Tomorrow we can rock!" all the kids squeal, pumping their arms, jumping up and down in excitement as we stand outside their school Manhattan Children's School for the Professional Performing Arts. "Be safe, Mama; I love you!" Both my kids turn to wave to me, blowing kisses before rushing off to join their friends in their little world; oh, to be so young and innocent again, I miss those days.

Six-thirty in the morning already Manhattan is filled with people walking to work or school even in the middle of a pandemic, the streets of New York are swimming with life, the city that never sleeps is wide awake and marching to the beat of its drum. Street vendors rolling down the sidewalks, a melting-pot of foods from all over the world, any style of cuisine you could ever want can be found here in these streets. Kids skate past, zooming in and out of traffic as cars honk bicyclists weave in between people on the sidewalks and cars in the alleyways and the sides of the streets.

Neon sparkling lights glitter under the rising sun; they don't need to be turned on to sparkle to show the world that this is the city that is indestructible. Sirens fill the air; babies cry, dogs bark, street performers dance; even though it's not legal with current COVID restrictions, they are simply trying to make a living, so I throw a few dollars towards them instead of calling it into the station.

I take a minute to pause and take in this excellent city darkness hasn't fully lifted yet. However, the sun is making an appearance, the homeless still linger on steps, and in cars, the scent of urine and sewage and rain linger mixing with food, coffee, and sweat of all the bodies. New York City she's beautiful even when she ain't so pretty: a concrete jumble of Neon Chrome and glistens rivers, a melting pot of the world.

I duck inside a cafe to grab some coffee; the cafe is busy but not overcrowded soft music plays in the speakers overhead. Placing my order, I step back to wait for the order to be fulfilled. "Hey, Rollins, I thought that was you." I jump at the sound of my co-worker Kat Azar Taemin's voice. "Lordy, you almost gave me a heart attack, Kat." "Forgot I live down in these parts now, didn't you, Rollins?"

Grinning, I feel the heat rush to my checks caught dead in my thoughts, and she knows she caught me to I can see it in the glimmer of her eyes, the way her lips turn in the corners into a smile which lights up her entire face. Within seconds her head is thrown back, and she lets out a hearty laugh, "No worries, Rollins, I sometimes forget too; last night, I caught the six train to head home to the Bronx and got to the station before I remembered I live uptown now."

Grabbing our orders, we tip the barista as we head out of the cafe laughing, nearly getting knocked over by a speeding cyclist who flips us both the bird and keeps going. "Welcome to New York, mother fucker." Kat cracks a joke, making me crack up so hard I nearly drop my coffee. We keep hustling to get to the subway, tears in our eyes from laughing.

"No matter what part of this city you hail from, it's all the same duck mother fucker attitude. We don't crave comfort, that's for damn sure in this city, cause ain't no one going to get comfortable being shoulder to shoulder with seventy-two million people every damn day." "Ain't that the truth, sister, when I first moved here, I was so overwhelmed by the sheer massive volume of people on every corner, I mean videos and pictures don't do this city justice. You don't live in New York City; you burn the candles at both ends. And you'll be so busy that you won't get the chance to see yourself grow old. If you have enough time to see yourself grow old, then you are doing something wrong."

"Truth, Kat, so true it's exhilarating." I half sing, half speak as we hurry down the steps of the subway station. She laughs and spins around her arms, indicating the shining city all around us. Singing her description of New York as if we are Angel and Collins from Rent singing I'll Cover You.

"We're diverse and fast-paced but humbling, Rollins."

"Evolving and challenging, but we are unforgettable mother fucker." Kat holds her hand up to high-five me after I finish. It's true, though, about New York; there are always loud noises in this city between cars, sirens, construction, and people. Every day before COVID, this city attracted millions of people between Broadway shows, sports, concerts, business, vacation, and the food; baby, the food here is like no other place. It's a city of dichotomies, exhausting and exhilarating, humbling and inspiring. It's one of the most challenging cities you'll ever live in, but if you survive, you'll never be able to live anywhere else. Before I came here, I never dreamed of living anywhere than the south I was born, bred, and raised to love the south, I am laid back and love riding my truck up and down the rugged hills it's always warm there every day is perfect for cut-off jeans, a tank top or cute crop top. My town held eight thousand people when I was growing up, but everyone seemed to know everyone and everyone knew everyone's business. They minded it too; it was not always a great thing, but it was a comfort always knowing someone would have your back if something happened.

Generation after generation raised their families there people didn't dream of living in a fancy city, you met your future spouse in school even if you didn't get together in school bets would be placed on you knowing everything about your future spouse since they were born long before you met them simply because your families grew up in the same town. You went to high school and got a job at the local factory, hospital or joined the Army. You raised your family with the same cultural and southern traditions as your parents and their parents before them; finical and economically, there wasn't much in the differential between families.

New York, well, each section of the city, is made of a different substance. Each borough has a different air pressure, an a different psychic weight: the bright lights and shuttered shops, the housing projects and luxury hotels, the fire escapes, and city parks. Each section is like watching multiple movies, each made in different countries.

"Congratulations on your promotion Kat, I'm sorry I missed your dinner." Kat balances herself with expert grace on the subway, holding her hot beverage in her free hand as she turns to smile at me. "No worries, Rollins girl, I love your hair braided." "Aw, thanks, Kat." "Sure thing, girl, looking sexy, how's dad anyway?" sipping my coffee, I let the warmth fill me up, waking me as I ponder how to answer this question. "breathing." arching an eyebrow, Kat doesn't push me further she shrugs. "I hear that; I get your relationship is complex, trust me I know that feeling family, uh some days I want to slap the shit out of them, other days I don't know how I would survive without them. Word of advice Rollins, he's your dad, and we only get one of them in this life; don'twaste your time being angry over the past; yesterday's regrets will only hold you back on tomorrow's gifts if you let them take over your ability to forgive and breathe."

Kat's voice is tight with pain, her eyes avoid looking at me, so I bite down on my coffee cup and lift my free hand, the one not holding on for dear life to the pole to rub Kat's back. Yeah, I've conquered this New York living too; my back rubdown is my way of asking Kat what's wrong; she turns to me laughs, seeing my coffee cup dangling from my lips. Grabbing my cup so it doesn't come apart in my mouth, I turn back to her. "you are psychological this morning for it not even being seven am yet, care to dish?"

"Yeah, I haven't told anyone at the office, so please don't tell anyone, even Cap. I don't need her to see me as weak." Her voice shakes in emotion as the train lunges to our stop. We gladly get off, hurrying up the steps, still shaking from the ride. "My grandmother died last night; I hadn't spoken to her in over ten years. She never accepted my sexuality told me she wouldn't associate with my kind who turned their back on Jesus and sinned without shame. It hurt Amanda; I was only sixteen years old. She denounced me from the entire family disowned me." I squeeze Kat's elbow as we stop at the corner, awaiting the signal to walk. My heart tears apart for Kat. No one should ever be made to feel shamed for simply being who they were born to be. Love is beautiful, and love should never be questioned or judged.

"I'm sorry, did you get to see her before she passed or get any closure?"

"I went to her house she died in her bed, but when I told her I loved her and forgave her, she spat at me and told me as long as I was living in sin and choosing to be, "that way," she would never accept me, and Jesus would never welcome me into heaven. The way she looked at me with such disgust and shame scared me; Rollins, I've seen a lot of hate in this line of work but never from my own family. No one stepped up to defend me or tell me it wasn't true. She kicked me out of her house, and I had to hear about her passing from my brother a few hours ago while I was shooting hoops."

"Oh, honey, I am so sorry that's horrible. If you need anything, I am here, even if it's simply going for a few drinks."

"Aren't you sober, Rollins?"

"They serve coke too, Kat. Family is tough, so if you need anyone remember, you have a family at SVU that loves you too. Even if some days we want to kill you."

Laughing, Kat shoves me a little. "Thanks, Amanda; I could use a drink or twenty. I will take you up on that offer whenever you are ready, which brings me back to you. How are you doing? I know Sonny was with you last week, but he's in court this week, and I know raising two kids and taking care of an ailing father can't be getting any easier. We all know how stubborn you are and won't let anyone help you. Has anyone even checked on you?"

"You're sweet, Kat, and no, not one person has checked on me, I called Liv twice texted her, and she hasn't gotten back to me; she hasn't been at work either since Chief made her take a few days off. I never even heard from her not even when Noah sent me a text asking to stay the night."

"She has a lot on her plate Rollins, but I know she cares for you."

"I have my doubts Kat, but glad you think so hon."

"Help!" Our heads snap in the direction of the screams. We see a guy running down the street as a blond pony-tailed woman chases him. "US Marshall stop running!" the woman flashes a badge as she jumps over a bench shoving people out of the way. Kat and I both throw our coffee's down and start running after them so much for being on time to work; In our line of work, the work sometimes comes to us. "NYPD! Stop!"

We reach the woman quickly, who points to the ally behind her. "There's a victim in the alley. She needs an ambulance; she's hurt badly." "Kat, stay in pursuit; call it in. I got the victim." "Copy Rollins." I change direction and race towards the alleyway. My heart pounds in fear and shock from the suddenness of this all. When I reach the alleyway, my heart freezes. I feel sick almost instantly seeing the young woman on her back stripped naked, blood soaking her body. The woman has been tortured nails stick out her legs; her left abdomen has a punctured wound which looks like it was made from a combat knife. Rope burns have made her ankles and wrists nearly raw each breath is labored, her eyes are glassy and unable to focus. She's drying right before my eyes. Blood trickles down from between her legs, showing they have raped her. Only a few spaced moans escape her lips. I rip off my coat and place it under her head, taking off my blazer and covering her body then my shirt comes off; I put that over her stomach, applying pressure.

Her left breast has a huge bite mark over the nipple, and her face looks like someone bashed it in for sport. Her eyes are a deep hazel, and she stares at me; she knows her fate is sealed, and she tries to tell me some basic information.

"Honey, can you tell me what happened to you? I'm detective Rollins."

Her eyes widen at the mention of my name. Her body shakes visibly. "Rollins." she spits out blood as she gags and gurgles. I try to help her so she can sit up a little and catch her breath, but it's no use every angle I hold her or turn her toward she's gasps and chokes. "Kim Rollins.." the mention of my sister's name catches my attention. "No, Amanda Rollins, Kim is my sister. How do you know her? Who are you, honey?"

Her eyes roll back as the coughing gets worse; she's already lost forty percent of her blood supply. "Riley. I'm Riley Davis..call my friend..please...Angus MacGyer tell him I am sorry, and I love ….

Riley loses consciousness before she can finish her train of thought. Her hand grips mine before her body goes limp. Her blood stains my hands as her eyes stare into my soul. My heart rips out of my chest in a scream of rage. She's too young to die younger than I am; she can't even be thirty years old yet; laying her down, I start chest compression's my body shaking as I hear the approaching sirens they aren't here yet, and Riley's time is running out fast. I send a prayer up to Jesus to control this situation to give Riley his healing touch.

One thought races through my head if Riley is contacted to Kim, is my sister in trouble?