This is a short Kaz-centric drabble, title from Adam Lambert's Whataya Want from Me. Set after Crooked Kingdom, I guess. (Posted on AO3 with the title "once upon a time, I didn't give a damn").
There might have been a time when I would let you slip away
Some days were bad days.
Grey, guilt-filled days when even the thought of touching her made the nausea rise. On those days, Inej was endlessly supportive and patient, gave him space and reassured him it was alright. That he was trying his best. That they both had demons to overcome.
On those days, Kaz wanted to do something stupid.
He wanted to do something so stupid, so monstrous, that it would send Inej running. He wanted to break her heart so thoroughly that she would vanish in that way of hers and never come back. Maybe then she could let him go, find someone who could give her what she deserved. What he could not.
In the end, Kaz was too selfish.
He couldn't bear uttering those words or taking the action his mind came up with. He couldn't stand the thought of the hurt on her face.
You can stand with your back to her, his mind whispered. You don't have to watch.
But he would still know.
And she would never return, if he did such a thing. He would never hear her laugh again. Would never sense her presence again. His days would be full of work, murder, blood on his hands, and no Inej to fight for at the end of it.
So, on those days, he tried his best to press the guilt down. To focus less on his shortcomings and more on Inej. He couldn't give her everything, but he could give her his time and attention.
It would have to be enough.