Note: Metal health issues abound in this. Please be careful. Shouldn't be too bad, but you never know, y'know? I actually meant for this to be a crack fic, but uhhh I guess that didn't happen. Also not sure if this fandom has any people in it. Thanks for reading!
Also I don't own anything.
The stagnant silence of their apartment set Syaoran's teeth on edge. He'd waited so long, for so many years, until he could taste the air again, until he could finally move forward. With guilt and determination as his only companions, he'd watched other Syaoran. He'd watched Sakura. And he'd longed to be with her, to protect her like he'd been too weak to do before.
He deserved every punishment the world could throw at him for poisoning their futures. The pain in his heart was nothing compared to what he had done to them, what his clone had done to them. He knew his presence wounded them further as they mourned the betrayal of their companion.
The warmth he'd witnessed as a voyeur behind his other's eyes, all the humour and affection, seemed to have vanished. He knew it had never been for him, but the coldness left in the wake of its disappearance chilled Syaoran to the bone.
His hands trembled as he lifted a glass of water to his lips. Some trickled down the corners of his mouth as his nervousness made him clumsy. He heard Kurogane exhale through his nose in what could have been a laugh or a sigh. When his eyes darted up from the table, he found Fai staring at him in slight disgust. No hint of a smile was to be found on his lips.
Sakura wasn't at the table with them. She was in her room. She hadn't said a word to him today.
Panic wormed its way through his veins. Was this how it was going to be? Every day, nothing but silence and words not meant for him, words they resented him for hearing?
He deserved it, he deserved it, he knew he did, but he couldn't do this, he couldn't – .
He couldn't stay here like this, not for another minute.
Movements jerky with desperation, he shot out of the chair he'd been occupying. Fai and Kurogane watched him. Fai with the same cold indifference, and Kurogane with caution.
"I'm going out." He said quietly. He didn't wait for a response.
Syaoran wandered the streets of Infinity for the better part of an hour, mind racing in circles that solved nothing, but wouldn't leave him be: they didn't need him, he was only hurting them by staying, he was only hurting them by continuing to live. He should just die and save them from himself.
He knew that forcing the thoughts away wouldn't make them stop, but he didn't know what to do. Just moving seemed to help a little bit. It was a distraction at least, a way to channel the destructive energy building up inside of him. His clone would've asked Kurogane for a spar to settle the storm in his head, but that wasn't an option for him.
He kept himself from looking into any windows. The idea of seeing who he should be, someone that was him but better, more powerful, more loved, he felt it might destroy him.
Time passed as he made his way from shop to shop. The buzzing in his head had dulled, and although it was not gone, he was finally able to focus on other things again.
"What would help this situation?" he found himself asking. The only answer he could come up with was, "If only I wasn't me."
The stupid thought wasn't usful in the least, but he found himself considering it. His appearance certainly caused the others distress. They probably hated to be reminded of everything that had happened. Maybe if he changed the way he looked, made himself more distinct from the other Syaoran, they wouldn't hate him so much?
He had some of this world's currency saved up from their fights. Sakura had insisted each of them take a little of their winnings for themselves. She was kind like that.
He'd never intended to use it, but maybe, if it were for a good reason, it would be alright? It couldn't be that hard to find what he wanted.
A few minutes of searching later, he had found the first place on his list. A place that cuts hair.
Unsure of the etiquette for this kind of thing in Infinity, Syaoran hesitantly approached the counter. The woman at the front desk smiled and greeted him politely, "Welcome! What can I help you with today, young man?" She said.
"Ah, I'd like, I'd like to have my hair changed please." He stuttered out.
The woman was looking him up and down. He wondered if she recognized him from the battles. He hoped not. If she did, she didn't comment on it.
She tilted her head quizzically, "Well, we can certainly help you out with that here. Do you have an idea of what you'd like done?" She asked.
He didn't. "I don't care that much, just so long as it's not this." He said.
She appeared a bit unsure, but nodded, motioning for him to come with her, "We can help you over here then. Don't blame me if you end up with something you don't like."
The hairdresser she introduced him to, Mari, was very boisterous, but also gentle. Her own hair was piled on top of her head in a knot that was quite complex.
Her hands on his head must have been the first non-violent contact he'd had in what felt like an incredibly long time. Embarrassingly, a few tears escaped as the calming sensation overwhelmed him. Thankfully, Mari didn't seem to notice in her concentration.
After paying for the service, Syaoran considered his next move. The cut had helped, but he still felt something was missing. His features were still too evocative of the other Syaoran.
He found his answer in a little out of the way shop a ways down from the hair place.
This he was not so sure about, but it seemed right, somehow. He hoped so, anyway.
Kurogane was getting a bit worried. The kid had been out for several hours now.
He polished his sword, although the weapon truly didn't need it. The repetitive action soothed the rising tension he felt. If that kid didn't show up in the next half hour, he would go find him and drag him back to the apartment himself, whether he was ready to face them yet or not.
Stupid kids. Stupid feathers. Stupid fucking spiteful vampire.
He slid his sword back into its sheath with a huff. These idiots would be the death of him, if he didn't kill them first.
The sound of careful footsteps were drawing closer to the door. He tensed, sure it was the kid, but not willing to take any chances.
The door opened.
He blinked in surprise. It was the kid but. Well. He was looking a bit different now.
"What in the seven hells happened to your hair?!" He yelled in disbelief, stalking toward him to inspect him closer.
The boy tried to pull away, clearly uncomfortable with this much attention, but Kurogane didn't let him. He grabbed his chin, forcing his touch to be light, and tilted it back so he could see his face clearly.
The boy was scared, he noted. Not surprising. What was surprising was the gentle shine of hope in his eyes, even as he tried to draw in on himself with fear.
Shit.
Kurogane let go of his chin. They'd been too tough on him, if he felt forced to do something like this.
"Now what's going on out here?" Fai's chilly voice came from behind him. He paused when he caught sight of Syaoran, looking taken aback. "You. Uh. You look different." He said.
Kurogane watched as the kid's face lightened up. Compared to his usual solemn expression, he looked almost happy.
"Really?" he asked, running his hand through the fuzz at the nape of his neck, and tugging experimentally at the longer hair in the front.
It wasn't all that extreme, the change, but man if it didn't feel weird as hell. Not to mention the barbell in his right eyebrow.
"I. I could also get some makeup, if this isn't enough." The kid said, trying to break the silence.
"No." said Kurogane and Fai.
The kid flinched at their combined vehemence, and Kurogane immediately felt bad.
"Oh. Is it really that bad?" He asked, his face contorting in shame. Always the shame with this one. Kurogane moved to him again, slower this time. He could tell the kid was stopping himself from leaping away, waiting.
He reached over and ruffled his hair, much to his visible shock. His eyes looked like they were gonna pop out of his head. Payback for that entrance, it nearly gave him a heart attack.
He let his mouth creep into a smile, "Nah. It's a nice look," maybe that was taking it a bit far, but it didn't look bad, per say, "what brought it on?" He asked, knowing already.
The original Syaoran looked to the floor. It didn't seem like he was going to answer. Kurogane wanted to hear him say it, but wouldn't push for now.
Fai was still watching them with confusion, and a bit of distaste, whether at the kid's new look, or Kurogane's lack of animosity towards him. The vampire's stare didn't quite have the same bite to it as it had lately though. Interesting.
Kurogane couldn't help but wonder, what would the princess think of the kid's new fashion statement when she saw it? That could end up being a bit messy.
Syaoran felt incredibly stupid. Of course this whole thing was just a delusional attempt to escape from reality. Of course Kurogane and Fai would lose what little respect they had for him the moment they saw him. Kurogane was marginally receptive to it, but he could tell that the warrior thought it was stupid too. And Sakura… what would she think?
Would she turn away from him in utter dismissal? Would she slap him for ruining the image of her Syaoran? His chest felt tight.
He hadn't meant for this to happen. He never wanted something like this. He didn't know why he thought it would end up any other way, since everything he touches seemed to crumble.
He kept his eyes focused on the floor in front of him, and waited. He could hear her getting up, could hear her moving for the door. She turned the knob.
The princess joined them. Syaoran studied the flooring even harder as her steps faltered. He felt her gaze on him from across the room. Then, she came closer.
She was right in front of him. A small hand was cupping his cheek. Just as Kurogane's had done, the hand tilted his head back, and he was forced to look at her.
"Princess," Fai began, only to go quiet as the princess waved him off. She was looking at him now, as she hadn't done ever since he'd arrived. She didn't smile. Slowly, she tilted her head close to his ear.
"Thank you, Syaoran," She whispered, "I'm sorry." And then she was walking away, and Fai followed her.
Only he and Kurogane remained. Them, and the silence.
"So," Kurogane said, "'d she like it?"
Syaoran didn't know how to answer that, but he knew he didn't want the man to leave. "Kurogane-san," he asked, voice shaking, "Would you please spar with me?"
The man turned to him, "Sure, kid."