AN - Aaaah April! Another Camp Nanowrimo where I was actually trying to write something else entirely and got hijacked by a different plot that did not have me constantly battling writer's block. One day, one day I tell you I will finish what I set out to do. And I don't just mean writing-wise :-(
You all know the story, but here is a South Park AU 'Jack and the Beanstalk' with nothing too offensive except Cartman. Not even the language is too bad, and everything else is just implied.
As always, Kenny was up before dawn. It was a way of life, but it was one he chose rather than it being strictly speaking necessary. Not that there were not a lot of chores that needed to be done on the McCormick strip of land and the adjoining hovel, but Kenny did not have the necessary resources to do them.
So he got up before dawn and swept the dust from the hovel, checked his traps for anything that might make a meal and collected water from the well so that his mother and sister could wash the laundry brought to them by people who had the luxury of owning more than one set of clothes and the money to pay someone else to clean them. Not that they paid much for the service.
Once the sun was up, Kenny took a bucket and went outside to their strip of dirt and dry grass and rounded up their one, old cow. He sat on a wobbly three-legged stool and reached for her teats, squeezing at the top and massaging downwards. Nothing came out. This was the seventh day in a row.
"This is not looking good old girl." Kenny said, patting her rump to send her on her way.
Back in the house, he heated water to make the thin gruel his family would eat for breakfast. It had tasted a little better when there had been milk to mix with it. He debated sifting the weevils out, but decided to leave them in for the extra protein. His mother and sister joined him at the old, scarred, wooden table.
"No milk again?" His mother asked after taking a taste of the watery gruel. Kenny shook his head. "When you have scrubbed the dishes, I want you to take that old cow to the slaughter house and see what you can get for her. She'll not be good for much, but perhaps the bones will make good glue."
Kenny sighed sadly and nodded. He had been expecting that but he was in no hurry to be on his way on the task. He took his time scrubbing the bowls and spoons after they had eaten.
Although he knew it was a waste, he fed the old cow a handful of the oats they used for their gruel as he slid a rope around her neck and then led her off down the road towards town, and the slaughter house just outside it. She ambled along beside him good-naturedly in the early morning sunshine.
At the fork that would take them to the end of the road for her, there stood a young man with a brightly painted piece of wood. There were words on the wood, but Kenny couldn't read. The young man was well-dressed, tall and handsome with black hair and blue eyes. His skin was fair, not tanned from working in the sun like Kenny's. All of this told him that he had no business talking to the young man and he tugged his forelock in deference and made to go around him.
"Wait!" The young man called. "Can't you stop and talk to me before you go and make a big mistake!"
Kenny stopped and looked at the young man, realizing that they were of an age and that he was even more handsome up close, where he could be observed directly rather than furtively out of the corner of his eye.
"Good morning, Sir." He said politely. "What mistake are you trying to save me from?"
"Didn't you see the sign?" The young man asked.
"I did." Kenny nodded. "But I can't read it."
The young man pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Stupid." He muttered to himself. "I should have thought of that." He looked at Kenny gravely. "Are you taking that cow to the slaughter house?"
"I am." Kenny said sadly.
"Why?" The man asked him almost pleadingly. "Has she not given you a lifetime of good service?"
"She has." Kenny agreed. "But she is old and her milk has run dry. My family is poor and my mother has ordered me to take her to the slaughter house and get what money I can for her. She will likely be turned into glue."
"Does that seem fair?" The handsome stranger asked.
"Not at all." Kenny replied. "But that is the way of the world."
"It doesn't have to be." The man gestured at his sign. "Give her to me and I will take her to a place where she can live out her days comfortably in the company of many other old animals with a warm stall, oats in the trough and green grass in the fields."
"Why would you do that?" Kenny asked.
"I don't like seeing good, loyal animals killed just because they are deemed no longer of use." The man replied. "I run a sanctuary for old and gay animals."
"There are gay animals?" Kenny said. "That is interesting. I was always told that gay urges were against nature, but if there are gay animals, then how can that be the case?"
"There are gay animals." The stranger confirmed. "And I do not hold those beliefs. Will you give the cow to me rather then letting her needlessly die?"
"I would gladly give her to you." Kenny said. "But she is not mine to give. My family is poor and we need whatever money I can make from her sale to survive ourselves."
The young man looked at him sadly.
"I do not have any coin to give you." He said. "Will you barter with me?"
"I can as well sell her to you as to the slaughter house." Kenny agreed. "And I would much prefer to."
"Well, I do not have much with me today." He said, appearing to think quickly. He reached behind his sign and brought out a basket. It seemed heavy. "This basket is full of fine vegan delicacies." He said, opening the basket and showing Kenny.
Kenny did not know what 'vegan' or 'delicacies' meant, but he could see the basket was full of food that looked like it just needed a juicy rat to round it out to an absolute feast.
"That is very fine food and a useful looking basket." He said. "But we are a family of four people since my older brother was killed fighting for our liege, and that food will not last us long."
The young man thought again.
"It is a warm day." He said. "I can give you my cloak as well."
Kenny looked at the cloak. He had noticed it before the man had spoken to him. It looked to be of very high quality. His mother could turn it into a dress for his sister and perhaps she could wear it to catch the eye of someone who would make her a good marriage. The young man had already taken the cloak off and bundled it into the basket on top of the food.
"If you have no coin," Kenny said, suddenly suspicious as a purse was revealed hanging at the man's belt. "What have you then in your purse?"
The young man rolled his eyes and pulled the purse from his belt. He opened it and showed Kenny the contents.
"My father is an idiot." He said. "A rich idiot to be sure, but an idiot. He was told these beans are magic and asked me to plant them at the edge of my sanctuary, out of the way, to see what happens."
"What manner of magic do they contain?" Kenny asked.
"Probably none but the ability to produce a bean plant." The man replied with a shrug. "Possibly not even that as they look rather shriveled."
"Your basket will not keep my family fed for long, but a bean plant could be the beginning of something if it were to take. I will trade you your basket of food, cloak and beans for my cow and be happy with the exchange Sir."
The man gave a bright smile and put his purse in the basket before handing it to Kenny and taking the cow's rope.
"Then we are both happy men!" He exclaimed. "And I bid you a good day."
Kenny tugged his forelock again and made his way home carrying the heavy basket.
He felt good as he walked along in the sunshine. The cow was safe with the stranger, the cloak alone was worth more than the cow, there was more than enough food in the basket for two meals and he had some new insights to mull over with regards to some of his thoughts about other young men. He smiled, he would certainly be thinking about the handsome stranger again soon.
If anything came of the beans, magical or not, that would be a happy bonus.
It was late afternoon when Kenny arrived back at his family's hovel. He planted the beans, shoveled a large proportion of the cow's last pat on top of them and poured some water on the mound. He had done the best he could for them, now they would have to use their magic.
His mother was unsure how she felt about his bartering. She understood the use he considered all the items to be, but thought they would still have been better off with the money and could only shake her head at the idea of a sanctuary for old animals. He didn't mention the gay bit, he thought that would stretch her incredulity too far. Nor did he mention the 'magic' beans.
They divided up the food from the basket and made an unusually filling evening meal then Kenny and his sister went to bed. His parents had found a flask containing wine in the basket and set to emptying it together. The family's bed was particularly lively that night. Kenny turned his back to his parents and tried to shelter his sister. He hoped his mother thought to drink her herbal tea, they did not need another mouth to feed.
The next morning, Kenny woke before dawn, swept the dust from the hovel and went outside to check his traps.
In the light of the first rays making their way over the horizon, Kenny took in the massive growth that stood where he had planted the beans the day before. He waited in disbelief as the sun rose, revealing more and more details as it did.
Rising from the spot where he had buried three unimpressive looking beans in a heap of cow poo were three massive beanstalks twined together and reaching up into the clouds.
"Well, that is certainly something you don't see everyday." Kenny scratched his head. "But is it magic? Perhaps they are just very fast growing beans that can reach a great height? It is definitely useful that they are already carrying bean pods though."
Kenny's father chose that moment to stumble out of the house, pull his cock out of his threadbare hose and relieve himself against the beanstalk.
"Well..." Thought Kenny. "They seemed to like the cow dung."
"What sorcery is this?!" His father asked, finally realizing that there had never previously been a tree so close to the hovel.
"It is a giant beanstalk Pa." Kenny said. "And after breakfast, I am going to climb it and see what is at the top."
"Rather you than me." His father replied. "Do we have any more of that wine?"
His mother and sister were less pleased with his plan when he explained it at breakfast.
"Why would you want to do that?" His mother asked. "There are plenty of pods near the bottom of the stalk that we can pick and sell before we need to consider climbing it."
"You and Karen can pick them. Just don't tread in the puddle at the base." Kenny said. "I want to know how high it goes and, as it vanishes into the clouds, I won't know that unless I climb it."
"I'll make you a bread sandwich." His mother said.
His sister stood beside him looking up the stalk.
"Be careful Kenny. You have to be here to see me in my new dress and give your blessing to my potential husband."
"I'll be fine Karen. Look how frequently there are shoots coming off the main stalk. I have plenty of handholds. Just remember to leave me a few at the bottom when you and Ma pick the beans. Otherwise, I'll have to jump when I come back down."
"Be careful." She said again. "I only have one brother left. Don't you die being brave and manly somewhere far away as well."
Kenny gave her a kiss on the forehead and, with his sandwich in his belt pouch, began pulling himself up the beanstalk.
Xxxxx
It was a long and tiring climb. Kenny's arms were sore and his hands were scratched. Once he reached the top of the beanstalk, he found himself in a whole new world. He had emerged beside a stream in a forest and decided to take a seat on a rock and eat his sandwich before continuing. He took a couple of handfuls of water from the stream too. It was cool and refreshing and he felt the better for it.
As he didn't know where he was, or where he might be trying to get to, he followed the only landmark he had and walked along the bank of the river. It wasn't long before he came to a house. Not just any house, a house fit for a successful merchant. A successful merchant who was ten times the size of Kenny. Poverty and poor diet meant that Kenny was not a particularly tall man, but still... He quickly decided that he would have to be very careful exploring any further. He did not want to meet anyone who was ten times his size before he had established if they were friendly or not.
"A giant beanstalk leading to giant country." Kenny reflected. He had never heard anything good about giants.
He found an open window and sneaked into the house. It was a kitchen window and he landed on a table next to an enormous pie. Close up, it smelled delicious, so Kenny broke off a piece and nibbled on it.
"Mom! Has my Jew laid an egg today?" The voice was whinny, but still booming and Kenny hid himself behind a sack of flour in the corner of the kitchen.
"I don't know Poopsikins. Mommy hasn't had time to look yet. Why don't you look? Maybe there will be a nice surprise waiting for you." A female voice replied.
"Why do I have to do everything myself?!" The first voice shouted. "Have you at least made me my pie?"
"Yes Poopsikins. It's waiting in the kitchen."
Suddenly the floor began to shake and Kenny got his first sighting of a giant. The giant was fat and youngish looking but his face was lined with anger. He had brown hair and his eyes were different colors. Kenny cowered further back into the shadow.
"Mom! Did you eat any of my pie?! If you wanted pie you should have made your own!"
"No Poopsikins. Mommy is still on her diet."
"Great." The giant muttered to himself. "So we have mice again. She can't keep this place clean and now I am going to have to deal with rodents or put up with pre-nibbled food."
The giant picked up the pie and ate it in two huge bites, juices running down his contorted face in greasy streams.
Kenny gulped. "What a big mouth you have!" He thought.
The giant turned and stomped out of the kitchen and Kenny followed at a discreet distance, being careful to remain hidden whenever he could. The giant opened a door at the end of a hallway and Kenny poked his head in to see what was going on.
He could not believe his eyes. The room was stacked full of bags of gold and jewels and cloth and riches that Kenny couldn't even identify. The giant was looking into a cage though, blocking Kenny's view.
"Good morning Jew." He said, voice dripping with hostility. "Do you have an egg for me today?"
"Here you go fatass." A voice from the cage replied.
Kenny clapped his hand over his mouth to stop any noise escaping. A talking Jewish chicken?
"I'm not fat, I'm big boned you freak. It's not gold." The giant complained. "What are you doing wrong?"
"Maybe you aren't feeding me right." The voice replied snootily.
"I feed you just fine. Try harder, or one of these days I am going to get tired of your free-loading ass and have my mom make you into dinner."
"Good!" The chicken said bravely. "At least then I won't have to look at your hideously disfigured face."
"EY!" The giant shouted. "You'll change your tune when you are being ground up for pie filling."
"Try me dickwad."
"Screw you Jew, I'm going to go outside and get some fresh air. Which you can't do because you're in a cage!"
Kenny hid himself quickly behind a huge chest overflowing with brightly colored fabrics and the giant stomped passed him. Once the door slammed shut, he stepped out from his hiding place and looked up at the cage.
Kenny's jaw was starting to feel sore from all the times it had dropped open in wonder that day. The cage did not contain a chicken, Jewish or not. The cage contained the most beautiful youth Kenny had ever seen in his life, even including the stranger who had given him the beans the day before. His hair was long and wavy, as if it should have been curly but was struggling under its own weight. It looked thick and bouncy and Kenny wanted to run his fingers through it. It was also the reddest shade of red Kenny had ever seen on a person. The boy's skin was so pale it seemed to glow beneath a layer of dirt that clearly had no business besmirching such a perfect being. His clothes had once been fine, but were showing signs of heavy wear. It was his eyes that captivated Kenny's attention however. They were the green of a cat's eyes, and they were narrowed and focused suspiciously on Kenny. Suddenly his mouth was dry and, although he had never had trouble talking to anyone before in his life, he could not get a word out.
"Who are you?" The man in the cage demanded.
"Kenny." Kenny said, feeling somewhat relieved his melted brain still knew that answer.
The prisoner rolled his eyes.
"Kenny who?"
"Kenny McCormick of South Park."
"I've never heard of South Park." The man said. "I am Kyle Broflovski of New Jersey."
The only piece of information that seemed relevant to Kenny at that moment was "Kyle" and he repeated it with a sigh.
"How did you get here?" Kyle asked. "Why are you here? Don't you know it is dangerous?"
"I met a man at a fork in the road and traded him my cow for some beans he said were magic. I planted the beans and they grew into a gigantic beanstalk which reached up into the sky. I climbed it and found a forest at the top. After walking a little ways, I came across the giant's house. I didn't know it was dangerous until I was already here and then I was too curious to just leave."
"That sounds highly unlikely, but I'll accept it for now." The man replied haughtily.
Kenny scowled, that sounded like he was being called a liar.
"What about you? How did you get here? Why does he think you lay golden eggs? That seems pretty unlikely to me."
A scarlet blush covered Kyle's cheeks.
"So you were eavesdropping for a while were you?" He said. "The giant stole me from my former master precisely because I do lay golden eggs."
"Wow." Kenny said. "I've never heard of anything like that before."
"I expect not." Kyle said, sitting down in a slump at the bottom of his cage. "As far as I know, I am the only one."
"But your eggs aren't always gold? Why not?" Kenny asked.
"I haven't been laying eggs at all since shortly after I got here." Kyle said, his face still very red. "The giant's mother slips me a chicken's egg every morning so her son doesn't get fed up and eat me. Apparently she doesn't like him eating people because it upsets his little tummy wummy and she has to use a special soap to clean the blood off his loincloths afterwards. As for the golden eggs..." He dropped his head onto his arms. "That takes two..."
"You need a woman?" Kenny asked. "How does that work?"
"Not a woman." Kyle mumbled.
"Oh. Okay. The giant doesn't know that though?"
"Of course not." Kyle replied angrily. "I'd hate to see what he would do then. Probably storm off and kidnap the first guy he could find to shut them in here with me. As if that would work. Most men are not into anything so unnatural. They are more likely to call me a witch and want to burn me at the stake."
Kenny admitted that Kyle was probably not wrong there, but Kenny was not most men and he had recently learned that his urge to roll around in the hay with anyone who caught his eye, regardless of their gender, was anything but unnatural. He would not mind being shut in the cage to help Kyle make golden eggs.
"What happens if you sit on one of your eggs?" Kenny asked curiously. He also wouldn't mind if those eggs hatched and gave him children as magnificent as Kyle.
"Don't know." Kyle replied. "I've never been allowed to keep one."
"Well, I am not planning on staying now I know what is up here. I am going to steal some of this stuff and head back down the beanstalk. I'll take you with me if you like." Kenny offered.
"So I can switch one cage for another, one master who wants my eggs for another?" Kyle asked. "What is the point of that?"
"I am going to take some of this treasure." Kenny repeated. "I don't need your golden eggs. You would be free to do as you liked. Though, if you wanted to make an egg or two with me and see if we could get them to hatch..." Now it was Kenny's turn to blush hotly. "Well, I might like that."
"I am still shut in a cage Kenny." Kyle replied, looking cautiously hopeful. "Only the giant has a key and he keeps it with him at all times."
"He has to sleep sometime." Kenny shrugged. Kyle not rejecting his offer to make eggs together gave him warm feelings throughout his body, and made him determined to take him home. He'd worry about how he'd explain it all to his family later.
"He is a lazy asshole. He sleeps a lot. He's probably taking an after lunch nap somewhere right now. He was shouting about pie earlier." Kyle replied.
"Well then." Kenny said, and began to heap sacks one on top of another beside the door so that he could reach the handle. "You see if you can spot anything that you think should definitely be on our swag list from up there and I will go and get the key."
Back in the hallway, Kenny hesitated at the bottom of a staircase. If Kyle was right and the giant was napping, he was more likely doing it upstairs in a bed than outside in the fresh air, regardless of what he had said to taunt his prisoner. The staircase was very exposed though and Kenny would have no place to hide. He could wait until nighttime, when the giant and his mother would both be asleep and the staircase would be dark, but he was worried that someone, or something, might soon discover the beanstalk and make their way down it.
Kenny screwed up his courage and thought of the beautiful captive waiting for him to set him free, and made his way as quickly and quietly up the stairs as he could.
There were three rooms upstairs and two of their doors were ajar. When he put his ear to the closed door, Kenny could hear the sighs and moans of a woman. A very large woman. He decided that room must be the giant's mother's room and that he did not want to know what she was doing.
The next room had a table in it, set with cups and a kettle. Around one end of the table, sat in chairs just like people, were several large, strange creatures. Kenny could see an enormous frog, a giant sized doll, a man with the muscles of a smith but very long arms, a horrifying cross-eyed purple dragon and some kind of black and white bear. He wondered if there was a giant child in the household he had to worry about. The other end of the table was covered in maps, books and sheets of paper with writing on them. Kenny couldn't read any of them, so he didn't waste any more time in the strange room.
The final room was the giant's bedroom and the giant was deeply asleep on the bed, drooling.
Kenny did not want to be caught by someone who was known to eat people. Someone who was obviously determined to keep eating people despite it upsetting his digestion. Once again, Kenny concentrated on what he did want. He wanted to get out of this place as quickly as possible, to avoid endangering everyone on the ground below, and he wanted to take Kyle with him so they could build a nest together. He needed the key he could see tied around the giant's neck.
Kenny's arms were sore from all the climbing he had already done that day, but he hauled himself onto the bed behind the giant and crawled to where the knot rested against the back of the giant's neck.
What must have been a cord to the giant was like a rope to Kenny. He wished he had a knife with him but had to settle for pulling and teasing at the knot to loosen it. The giant reached a massive hand behind his head and scratched his neck.
"Tickles." He muttered and Kenny held his breath and tried to stop his heart beating so loudly. "Need a haircut or I'll look like a goddamn hippy. Dirty peasants."
The giant settled back down and Kenny gave him a minute to fall back into a deeper sleep before going back to working on the knot. Eventually, the key slid down onto the fatty folds of the giant's chest. Kenny crawled carefully across the giant's pillow and tugged the key loose.
There was a loud sniffing noise from the giant's enormous nose. Kenny took a firm hold of the key and lowered himself down the blanket to the floor.
The giant sniffed again and woke up suddenly just as Kenny made it out of the room.
"Fee-fi-fo-fum. I smell the blood of a boy from the slums! Mom! Get the meat grinder out! Dinner is in the house!"
"Alright Poopsikins, just give Mommy a minute to finish off her exercise!"
Kenny was terrified and dived back into the room with the strange toys. He grabbed the doll and quickly undressed it. He hid it under the table and threw the dress on over his clothes and jammed her hat on his head. He sat stiffly on the vacant chair and tried not to breath. Or smell.
The giant slammed open the door and gave the room a once over.
"Now she's too lazy to catch me dinner when it has already wandered into the house by itself? How useless can you get? See if I let her have any of my man sausage." He grumbled to himself but apparently didn't see anything out of place and Kenny must have been outside of his smell range, no longer being directly under his nose. "Mr Kitty!" He shouted, going back into the hallway. "Come and help me hunt a pest."
Kenny heard the giant stomp down the stairs and a couple of minutes later, he heard the giant's mother make her way downstairs too. He heaved a sigh of relief and sneaked his way to the top of the stairs, looking down for any sign of either giant.
"No Mr Kitty!" The giant's voice carried up to him. "It is not time for snuggles! We have got to catch us a man! Well... You are a very fine kitty... With such lovely soft fur... And there is no way for anything to get out of the house... Maybe we can snuggle for a minute. Mom won't be ready with the meat grinder yet anyway."
Kenny hurried down the stairs and into the treasure room at a sprint. He looked at Kyle with wide eyes and quickly stuck the key in the cage's lock.
"We have to go out the kitchen window." He whispered. "What are we taking?"
"Some of this stuff is magic." Kyle whispered back. "That is a box of invisibility rings. I saw him put one on once and he vanished, but he looked terrified and was sweating and shaking when he returned. That harp there plays itself, but his mom bumped into it once whilst cleaning and it screamed to its master that it was being stolen. We don't know enough about the objects to know which will kill us, or get us killed. I think we should stick to coin, and not too much of it, or it will slow us down and be too loud."
"Okay. Two bags each." Kenny said, grabbing the nearest two bags and stuffing them under his dress. Kyle hid his under the cloak he had apparently been using as a blanket. "Lets go!" Kenny said, grabbing his hand and pulling him out into the hallway and along through the shadows to the kitchen.
The giant's mother was stood at the table under the window with an enormous metal contraption. Kenny and Kyle hid behind the flour sack.
"Come out boys." The giant's mother whispered, not turning to look at them. "I know you are there. I have really good hearing and your little hearts are beating so loudly. Come out and I'll help you out of the window. I don't have any special soap for my Poopikins' dirty laundry and he shouldn't eat people more than once a month anyway. All that bone crunching is bad for his teeth."
Kyle shrugged when Kenny looked at him questioningly.
"Remember the chicken eggs." The giantess muttered.
Kyle stepped from behind the sack and took Kenny with him across the kitchen.
The giantess scowled.
"My little Eric will be very angry when he sees what you've done to his doll." She said, heaving Kyle and Kenny up onto the window ledge. "Run fast and go through the stream so he can't follow your smell."
Kyle and Kenny dropped down the side of the house. Kenny took Kyle's hand again and lead the way to the stream he had followed just hours before. They plunged into the water, Kenny realizing too late how much of a hindrance the wet dress would be.
"Mom! Did you have that window open the whole time?!" The giant asked, sounding angry.
"Yes, since I baked your pie this morning."
"Well did you see anyone in here? Men are sneaky!"
"No Eric darling, but I had to go down to the cellar to get the grinder."
"Mom! My dinner could be getting away!"
Behind them, the two young men heard the door of the house fly open.
"Polly Prissypants?" The giant's voice asked. "EY! My Jew! My Jew is escaping!"
"Faster!" Kenny said. He could tell Kyle was tired but the redhead nodded and picked up the pace. The noise of the giant crashing through the forest followed them but did not seem to catch up to them.
At the place where the beanstalk broke through the clouds, Kenny ripped off the soaking dress. He tore some quick strips from it and wound them around his hands. He gave two to Kyle and watched him do the same, then he hopped onto the stalk and helped Kyle across too.
"Let yourself slide as much as you can!" He said and quickly began dropping from one shoot to the next, looking up to make sure Kyle was following.
When they had made it about halfway down, they felt the beanstalk sway violently.
"He's coming!" Kyle shouted.
"Just keep going. He's not fast, not fit and has to worry about the stalk breaking if he puts too much weigh anywhere. We can make it Kyle." Kenny tried to encourage him.
They did make it and Kenny immediately went to the woodpile and picked up the ax that rested beside it. He looked at the beanstalk menacingly.
"Chop it so it falls up the strip." Kyle said.
Kenny nodded and with the strength of pure adrenalin and terror, he hacked at the stalk.
"What are you doing?!" Kenny's mother rushed out of the hovel and looked at him in dismay.
"There's a giant coming down. He can't be allowed to make it. This has got to go!" Kenny grit out, not stopping his swings.
"A giant!" His mother screamed. "You should've taken the money Kenny!"
Karen came out of the house with a rope. Kyle nodded, took one end and looped it around the stalk above where Kenny was cutting. He braced himself in the dirt.
"Stuart! Get your good for nothing hide out here!" Kenny's mother shouted towards the hovel, taking the other end of the rope and pulling with Karen.
"What do you want woman?" Stuart asked, scratching his chest as he made his way outside. "What the hell are you all doing? Weren't we just talking about how that thing was going to make our fortunes?"
"Just grab the rope and help the redhead pull!" She ordered.
The stalk creaked under the weight of the giant's movement and the wedge Kenny had cut. Eventually, it started to fall.
From far above them, they heard the giant roar "Noooooooo!" and when the beanstalk hit the ground, the earth shook beneath their feet. Kenny collapsed against the stump and Kyle collapsed beside him.
"You really did get to the giant's kingdom by climbing a beanstalk." He said, nudging Kenny's shoulder with his own and looking impressed.
"I did." Kenny nodded and pushed his sweat drenched hair out of his eyes to look at the beautiful, but equally sweaty, redhead. "Do I get the chance to find out if you really lay eggs sometime?" He asked quietly.
Kenny thought Kyle was blushing, but it was hard to tell with how red he was from all the exertion. He did give a barely perceivable nod though and Kenny grinned happily.
Many, many years later, Kenny and Kyle woke in their bed in their house in the woods. Their bones creaked and cracked as they stretched and then curled back into each others embrace for a few moments more.
Kenny had set himself up as a charcoal burner so that they could live quietly out sight and out of the minds of most of the nearest neighbors. Kyle had kept bees.
Together they had managed to successfully hatch and raise four children with only Kenny's sister knowing the truth of the matter. Everyone else believed that Kenny was a widower and the children were Kyle's sister's, their uncle living with the family to help out after their mother died.
The children were long grown and some already had children of their own, although one had gone on a quest to find the fabled land of New Jersey.
"I think it is time." Kenny said.
"Yes." Kyle agreed.
The couple got up and made themselves a pot of porridge with honey for breakfast. Kyle cleaned their dishes afterwards, while Kenny went and saw to their two old goats. They wrapped themselves in traveling cloaks, locked the door of their house and hid the key where their youngest child, and only daughter, would know to look for it, then they each took hold of one of the goats' leads. Together, they walked out of the wood and started on the road towards town in the morning sunshine.
They were old and slow, but eventually, they came to a fork in the road. Standing at the fork, with a faded sign that read 'The Marshes - A sanctuary for old and gay animals', was an old man. Kyle had taught Kenny to read over the years and he smiled as he read the sign.
"Good morning." Kenny said to the old man, although the man was of an age with Kyle and him.
"Good morning." The man replied. "We meet again."
"We've brought you two goats, and four gold coins." Kenny told him waving at the goats, and Kyle held out the coins.
The man smiled.
"I see. Follow me please gentlemen."
He picked up his sign and started off along the road that the couple had just walked along. Kenny took Kyle's hand and, each leading a very old goat, they followed the other old man.
A second later, the road was empty in both directions as far as the eye could see.
AN - Und wenn die nicht gestorben sind, dann leben sie noch heute.