Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Story Notes: This story was written for the Elysian Fields 'Artistic April Challenge' Month. Head over there for more details.

Since my muse has this bad habit of wandering off before I finish stories, I'm trying to finish stories before I start posting them, and I was hoping to get this story done (or at least mostly done) before I posted the first chapter. Unfortunately, stuff happened and I've only been able to write three chapters, with barely a page done of chapter four. What I'm saying is that there may be huge gaps in between chapters once all of the completed ones have been posted. But I'm determined to finish this story no matter what, even if it takes me forever.

I was drawn to this challenge because I wanted to write a time travel fic that really dives into the time travel aspect of the story instead of just the consequences of said time travel. I also wanted to write one from the POV of characters in the present day instead of the time travellers. The initial plot bunny was inspired by Summers Requiem by Winter (which can be found over on Elysian Fields), but a whole bunch of plot points were heavily inspired by a fic from another fandom: A Ghost of a Chance, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fanfic (which can be found over on AO3). For anyone familiar with the fandom, I highly recommend it.

I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you

~ Daylight by Taylor Swift

I know we're getting close to the annual May Apocalypse, because there's not a single vampire in the Bronze tonight.

I'm sat at our table, half of my attention on my friends and sister enjoying themselves on the dancefloor while the other half is scanning for any sign of vampire activity. But there's nothing. Zilch.

Patrols have been dead and it's not just vamps who've decided that Riley had the right idea and skipped town. It's all sorts of demons. Willy's was almost empty when I checked up on him last night, and his complaints about losing business (and accusing me of killing his patrons) pretty much told me all I needed to know. And while previous apocalypses never caused a mass migration like this, the last time demons started dropping off the map was when the First Evil paid a visit.

Survey says? Whatever Glory is planning is scary enough to send even the most hardened of demons running for the hills.

Willy's only customers were a few older vamps I knew had been hanging around town for a while; the ones who are pragmatic enough not to get on my bad side and earn a good slaying by killing people, instead choosing to drink from Willy's supply of donated blood or get it from the butcher's shop. It means they're also smart enough to know that whatever apocalypse is coming, I'll stop it.

I'll never expect help from them, though. Because it's one thing for a vamp to use its brain and realise it's easier to stay on a Slayer's good side to avoid a staking, and not to kill said Slayer so she can stop the world from ending.

It's another thing entirely for a vamp to declare his undying love for a Slayer and let himself get beat up to keep that Slayer's sister safe.

One day later and it still doesn't make sense, what Spike did. According to the vampire rulebook (which I admittedly never read), he should have told Glory about Dawn in order to save his own skin, but he didn't. He just let her torture him, even admitted that he would've let her kill him first, all to protect Dawn. And he did it for me.

Because he says he loves me. Claims to love me.

Or maybe he actually does love me, because sacrificing your life to save someone else is basically the definition of unconditional love. Doing something without expecting anything in return. You can't get a reward if you're dead.

This doesn't change the fact that I can't wrap my head around it. Spike has just taken the previously mentioned rulebook, thrown it to the ground, stomped all over it and then set it on fire with his lighter. He shouldn't be capable of sacrificing himself like that without his soul, but he did and trying to work out what it means is like trying to do something on a computer but it keeps giving me error messages whenever I press enter. Because if Spike can do that with no frigging soul, what else can he do without one? And what does it mean for other soulless vamps? Will they be able to do what he did? I try to imagine Angelus in the same position, but that scenario just ends with Glory getting Dawn while my ex laughs from the side lines at my misery.

I push down that uncomfortable revelation.

Dawn comes bouncing back to the table like she's on some kind of sugar high, and I'm so gonna kill Xander if he gave her money and let her near the new tuck shop. It's a little money-making scheme the new owners came up with which, in theory, seems like a good idea to lure in younger kids, but they clearly didn't consider the Slayer who now has to keep an eye on sugar-crashed teens to make sure they don't get eaten by vampires. That, and over a quarter of the pervious food menu is gone, including that onion thing Spike likes.

And there I go, thinking about Spike again. I mean, there's nothing remotely forgettable about Spike, but would it kill him to stay out of my thoughts for one stupid night?

"I wanna go see Spike!"

I sigh. Guess he's gonna be in my head for a while. "Dawn, it's late, and it's a school night," I tell her. "Also, taking you into a cemetery after dark is like putting up one of those big neon signs diners have advertising a free meal."

"But you said the cemeteries were dead," she says, and why does she remember that little detail but conveniently forgets whenever I ask her to put her dirty clothes in the laundry bin? "Like, the kind of dead they should be, not vamp dead."

"Dawn-"

"He got hurt protecting me!" she says suddenly, her whole demeanour changing. "I haven't seen him in ages, and I wanna thank him. And… maybe we can bring him some blood? He probably hasn't been able to go get any himself."

And wow, does that make me feel bad. That I never even considered how he'll be getting his blood while he's injured. This alone convinces me, but the look in Dawn's eyes does, too, because she's right. He got hurt protecting her secret. She should get to see him and thank him herself.

"OK," I say. "We'll leave in ten."

"Cool!" She's smiling again as she picks up the Bronze's menu, but deflates upon reading it. "Ugh, the guys who bought this place have weird tastebuds. I mean, I love the new tuck shop, but why'd they have to take that onion thing off the menu? We could've taken one to Spike."

"And the night was going so well." Xander joins us at the table with Anya, and right behind him are Willow and Tara. "Do we really have to talk about Spike?"

"Yeah, considering he totally saved our skins," says Dawn. "I'd like to see you last that long under torture."

Xander splutters at that, but she has a point. I doubt anyone else could have survived what was done to Spike. I think I would've been able to hold out, because I'm the Slayer and Dawn is my sister, and maybe Giles would have lasted considering he lasted against Angelus, but my four friends sat at the table? I don't think they would have told Glory anything, but their wounds would have killed them pretty quickly.

"So, what?" Xander says at last. "We're supposed to just forget about the creepy robot because he chose not to be a complete asshole? Oh, and forget about when he chained Buffy up, and all the times he tried to kill us? One good deed doesn't forgive a lifetime of being a monster."

My friend's words add to the conflict in my mind. Because yeah, I can't forget that just last year, Spike was allying himself with Adam to take us down. I can't forget all the times he's tried to kill us – well, mostly me, but he's taken shots at Willow and Xander, too. And Riley, back when he nearly had a heart attack and Spike thought that was the perfect time to try and get his chip out and finally kill me (but if I'm being honesty that was on me too, because what the hell was I thinking, asking him to help me find a guy he hates and also telling him there's an Initiative doctor in town?). I can't forget that just a couple of months ago, he decided that the best way to declare his feelings was to chain me up and threaten to set Drusilla on me if I didn't listen. I can't forget the sex robot he had made to look like me.

I can't forget what Spike is.

But I also can't forget what he did for me. It wasn't an offer to help on my patrols, or a loud declaration that he's not feeding off of disaster victims. He literally put his life on the line for me, not caring whether or not he died. And even if he had died, I wouldn't have known. I would've remembered him as my mortal enemy who decided to make a sex bot because he couldn't fuck me, not the man who died to protect my family, meaning that he didn't do it for some kind of recognition.

He chose to protect my sister to the point of almost paying for it with his life, and that has to mean something.

This is why being an adult is so hard. Because the bad still technically outweighs the good, even if I forget about the stupid robot because it wasn't like he was hurting anyone with it; it was just really gross. Do I let him into my life because of this thing he did, or do I keep him locked out because of everything else? Or maybe there's a middle ground I can take? Because the thought of locking him out after doing this big thing for me just makes me feel ungrateful.

Maybe this is what the desert guide meant when she said I needed to forgive, and risk the pain. She said I'm full of love. A hero who's full of love forgives her mortal enemy, right? Especially when he's done something to earn that forgiveness?

"Maybe it doesn't," I say to Xander. "But that doesn't mean we should ignore a step in the right direction. I may not be ready to forgive him for most of the shit he's put us through in the last few years, but I think he deserves a little bit of credit. And I'm gonna start by forgiving him for the stupid stunt with the robot."

"What?!" And that's exactly the reaction I expected from Xander. "Seriously?! He made a sex robot that looks like you and you're just gonna forgive him?! It was creepy!"

Anya frowns. "But you were very sympathetic when Warren made a sex robot to satisfy his needs. How is that different?"

"Because he didn't base her off a real person! A real person who's one of my friends!"

"Guys, Dawn is sitting right here!" I snap at them. "Quit it with the 'S' word!"

Dawn just rolls her eyes. "I've taken SexEd, Buffy. And I'm not stupid. I know what those robots were for."

"Still not something I want my little sister to hear," I say, before turning back to Xander. "I'm not asking you to forgive him, Xander. And yeah, it was icky, but no one got hurt so, yeah, all's forgiven."

I don't tell him that I sat with Willow today while she was going through the bot's coding. Most of my life was in that bot's brain; knowledge of and love for my friends and family, my training as a Slayer, etc. If Spike had just wanted a robot who looked like me to have sex with him, he could've just asked for that: an empty shell. But it was like he wanted me, not just a sex toy. And while deleting the memories, in amongst all the sexcapades were little moments where he was just holding her, or doing other things he shouldn't want like watching TV together or playing cute little non-sex games.

The robot had been programmed to love him, all the little moments between sex included. Remembering that helps with the forgiveness, because it just makes me feel sad that he was lonely enough to risk my anger by doing this.

Willow saw all this, too. Which is why she turns to Xander and says, "Forgiven, but not forgotten. Xander, I actually talk to Cordelia on the phone now. Life's too short to hold a grudge. But I don't think I'm ready to forgive him for the bottle in the face incident."

"And I'm not asking you to, Wills," I say.

Xander sighs. "As long as you're not jumping to take the robot's place, I can deal."

He shudders. I would have done a few days ago, but now all I can do is sit there in silence. Because on the one hand, yeah, Spike's a vampire, not a man. And just because I've acknowledged that he loves me doesn't mean I owe him a relationship, just like I never owed Xander a relationship after he gave me CPR. But on the other hand, Spike's love is… overwhelming. It's the kind of love I always wanted from Angel but never got. And the idea that Spike, a soulless demon, might have more love in his heart than I do…

The First Slayer was right. I pull away from the blinding light of love because I'm afraid of the pain. I mean, I locked Spike out of my home before he decided that chaining me up was a good idea, when all he'd done was committed the heinous crime of falling in love with me. What a monster.

So, yeah. Not jumping into a relationship with him, but also not pretending he doesn't have feelings.

"What happened with Ben?"

I blink, returning to the conversation. "Huh?"

"Ben?" Willow repeats. "Weren't you going to go on a date with him?"

She looks so hopeful and so does Xander, like they're more excited about the date than I am. They acted like that with Riley, now that I think about it.

And their hope makes me feel bad when I wince and say, "No. I mean, I was at first, but after all that stuff with April went down I sorta changed my mind and cancelled. Because I realised there's more to a girl's life than dating just for the sake of dating. I mean, I want to find the right guy in the future eventually…"

"What was wrong with him?" Willow asks.

"There was nothing wrong with him, I just felt like I was only going out with him because it was expected of me, a girl, to date a nice guy who asked her out," I explain. "There wasn't much of a spark, or any kind of excitement beyond that. Also, I really don't have time right now to fit dating into my life. I'd feel horrible if I dragged Ben into this mess with Glory and he ended up getting killed."

It's Tara, who has so far been quiet the whole time, who says, "I think you made the right choice."

"Yeah," Willow agrees. "You don't need to go along with the patriarchy's idea of what you're supposed to do."

I nod. "Damn straight."

After a pause, she continues with, "But, after this is all over, you could give it another shot? One date can't hurt, to see if there's something there or not."

Her words give me pause. I guess I was caught up in the moment of not wanting to turn into a version of April: living only to please a guy who would never appreciate me. Her little speech while she was sitting on the swing, her battery slowly draining, had reminded me of how things had ended with both Angel and Riley. I gave them everything (well, maybe not everything with Riley, but as much as I could with a damaged heart) and they left, acting like it wasn't enough.

Maybe Willow's right. Maybe when Glory's gone and I can get my life back on track, the idea of dating someone won't look so scary. And Ben seems nice enough to understand if things don't work out after one date.

"I'll think about it," is all I say.

"Buffy." Dawn's tone is snippy, and she's tapping her foot impatiently. "Can we go now?"

We say goodbye to the others and head out. I manage to sweep my senses around the Bronze one last time just as I'm walking out the door, but there's still no sign of any vamps. I might even be able to skip patrol tonight if the rest of town is like this.

Dawn's mood has changed on a dime, which is weird. It was her idea to go and see Spike, so why is she suddenly stomping along like she's having a tantrum? Is she mad at me? Or is she mad at what Xander said about Spike?

Once we're walking down the street, she quickly lets me know exactly what she's feeling. "I can't believe you sometimes."

"What? What did I do?"

"I know you don't wanna date Ben," she says. "But you're gonna do it anyway, because God forbid Little Miss Perfect actually dates someone with an edge."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" I ask. I don't know where this attitude came from… OK, I totally do, but she's never really shown it when it comes to my dating life.

My sister shrugs. "All I'm saying is ever since Angel broke your heart, you've always gone for the guys who are just… nice. And safe. And for no other reason than that. Remember when you found out Riley was Commando Guy? You majorly freaked out and tried to dump him."

I frown. Is she right? I did try to throw my car in reverse when I found out Riley's secret, and in hindsight I really should've stuck to my guns since we fell apart anyway. But am I just trying to find the right guy based on how nice and safe they are?

"You're saying I should find someone dangerous who isn't nice?" I ask. "That's pretty much the definition of a bad idea."

She rolls her eyes. "I'm not saying that. I'm saying that you need to look beyond that at their actual personalities. Ben's nice, but that's all you know about him."

OK, so maybe she has a tiny little point. But who can blame me? After what happened with Angel, 'nice and safe' need to be the first traits I look for in a guy. And OK, that didn't really work out with Parker… or Riley… or even Scott Hope…

"When did you get so smart?" I ask.

"I don't need to be smart. All I've gotta do is watch all your relationships implode and take notes."

"Ha, ha. And what's your verdict, oh mighty Goddess of Love?"

"You need passion," she says. "You need to find someone who loves you with every fibre of their being. Who'll be willing to sacrifice themselves for you."

Oh, I see what she's trying to say. I'm totally onto you, Dawn. "Right. And this guy wouldn't happen to have bleach blonde hair and a leather coat?"

"You can't deny that he loves you, Buffy," she says. "I think you guys would be good together. And it's not like you haven't dated a vampire before."

My automatic response of 'but Angel has a soul' dies on my lips, because if Spike proved anything yesterday it's that he doesn't need one to love me. But then can he really be good without one? Without me telling him what's right and wrong? I'm not sure if I can shoulder that kind of responsibility, knowing that people could die if he slips up.

Also, the fact that my friends immediately staged an intervention when they thought I was dating him pretty much shows they won't approve if I start dating him for real.

"Dawn, I literally hated Spike's guts last week," I tell her. "Yeah, he did a really good thing, but that doesn't equal dating material."

She stops walking and crosses her arms. "So, you're just gonna ignore him? After what he did for us?"

"No," I say, stopping beside her. "I'm gonna try being his friend. He deserves that at least."

This seems to satisfy her for now, and we start walking again. "I still think you guys would totally make a good couple."

I roll my eyes. "Get used to disappointment."

We make it to the butcher's shop, one of the few places in Sunnydale which never has to worry about going out of business. When Dawn and I walk inside, I spot Bill behind the counter and give him a friendly smile. I haven't seen him since Spike first showed up at Giles's apartment and I was forced to go on a "blood run" since I was the only person with previous experience.

Bill's an old guy, with grey hair but a warm smile. "Long time no see," he says. "Are you here to pick up Spike's order?"

"Yeah," I tell him. "The idiot got hurt doing something stupid."

"It wasn't stupid," says Dawn, arms crossed. But she doesn't say anymore than that, thank God.

Bill actually looks sympathetic. "I'll throw in a couple extra bags for him, on the house." He signals for one of the other guys to go into the back room and get the order before turning back to me and saying, "Tell him to get well soon for me, will you?"

"Sure."

Dawn moves over to a large mirror hanging on the wall and starts sorting her hair out. It's not the only mirror in here. There're more than what would be considered normal for a butcher's shop. I wonder if regular people question it?

"I don't want to assume," Bill says, cutting through the silence, "but are he and you…?"

I know what he's insinuating almost immediately. What is it with people assuming that Spike and I are a couple? "No. But I'm working on being his friend."

"Oh. That's something, I suppose," he says. "Gotta say, though. If you and him were an item, it'd be a big improvement over the last one you dated."

I hold back from snapping at him. This is the thing about Bill: he's very good at reading people. It didn't take him long at all to figure out that Angel and I were dating. He knew we'd broken up when he saw me around town all mopey and weepy. And when I'd first come to get the blood for Spike, he guessed immediately that Angel hadn't returned and that the order was for some vampire I hated.

It's an ability he shares with Spike, the more I think about it.

Trying not to get angry at him, I ask, "Why do you say that?"

"Don't get me wrong; I appreciate that Angel was buying his blood from us instead of killing people, but there was always something… off about him." He shrugs. "Like he wasn't entirely trustworthy. He tried to hide it, but he always looked at us like he'd rather be drinking from our necks."

Bill doesn't know about the soul, I realise. But then he's been serving vampires for years, long before Angel even arrived in Sunnydale. In his eyes, Angel having a soul probably wouldn't make a difference to him. It's a good thing Angelus never decided to target the shop during his reign of terror, because that would've been both horrifying and awkward for Bill and his staff. Maybe Angelus knew the town's other low-laying vamps would come for him if he got rid of their easy blood supply?

Still, it's surprising that Bill doesn't like the world's only souled vampire all that much, considering how many soulless vampires walk through his door.

"And you're telling me Spike never looked at you like that?" I ask.

"Oh, he did at first, but he never tried to hide it," says Bill. "If I have to choose between dealing with a killer who hides his intentions and dealing with a killer who's open about it, I'll deal with the latter. Because at least I know he's being honest with me. I know what to expect."

OK, point. Spike's always been an annoyingly open and honest vampire right from the start. And yeah, I can't act like I never caught Angel looking at my neck, and not in a lustful way, before quickly looking away again. Spike used to look at my neck too, but like Bill said, he did it blatantly without trying to hide it.

Used to. He hasn't done it in a long time, I realise. Because he loves me. How did I not notice that before?

I hear Dawn snickering behind me and ignore her. Sure, let her enjoy the fact that Bill thinks I should date Spike too, and how he prefers Spike to my ex. With everything that's happened in the past month – and with a Glory-founded apocalypse on the horizon – she needs all the enjoyment she can get.

"I hear that about his honesty," I tell Bill. "I first met him in an alley outside the Bronze, and he was very upfront about his intentions to kill me that Saturday. Then he couldn't wait that long and decided to try on Thursday."

Bill chuckles. Not really the most appropriate reaction to hearing about a vamp trying to kill me, but looking back on it now, I guess Spike's impatience was kinda funny. Like, the guy seriously couldn't wait two extra days to kill me? Until he had an advantage over me? But then I know now that's how Spike rolls: impatient to the point of self-sabotage, and has some sliver of honour when it comes to fighting fair.

Actually, I can only think of two instances where he didn't fight fair: when I was weak during that first Halloween in Sunnydale, and when he got the Gem of Amara. The first I guess could've been because Drusilla was sick (and unlike our very first fight, he was satisfied enough to just take me out without a good punch up), and the second time he was probably too mad at me to care. Because Drusilla had dumped him, again.

He's done a lot for Drusilla. And then he threatened to stake her to prove that he was in love with me. Over a century of love, and he turned his back on it for me.

Why am I only now realising how… huge that is? Maybe because I'm not chained up…

"Yeah, that sounds like something Spike would do," Bill says, still chuckling, pulling me back to the present. "Not that I'm condoning his actions…"

"No, I get it," I say.

The other guy returns with the order, which he hands to Bill, who then hands it to me. "Tell him I expect to see him in here next time, all healed up."

"I will. How much do I owe you?"

"Don't worry about that. I'll just put it on his tab."

"OK. Later, Bill." I turn to the door. "Come on, Dawn. We can't be out too late. You've got school tomorrow."

My sister sighs way too dramatically, but picks up the pace once we're back on the street. She must know that the quicker we get there then the longer we can stay, because she manages to keep that pace all the way through town and then through Restfield. Without talking. If she could focus that motivation into doing her homework, she'd be getting straight A's.

We finally arrive at Spike's crypt. I go to open the door, but Dawn holds out her arm to stop me.

"Buffy, in polite society, people knock instead of barging into other people's homes," she says.

I'm about to give my automatic reply of "Spike's not people", but she gives me a death glare that's almost exactly like Mom's. The one I knew better than to stand up to. If Dawn ever becomes a Slayer, she'll be scaring vampires and demons away with that look alone.

I sigh and knock on the door. "Spike? Are you there?"

There's a pause before he replies. "Buffy?"

"I'm here, too!" Dawn calls out. "Can we come in? We brought you blood."

Another pause. "Uh, yeah. Come right in."

Dawn launches herself against the door, pushing it open with a lot more strength than I expect from her noodle arms. She races into the crypt, but halts when she sees Spike lying on the couch. "Oh."

When I reach her, I see why she's stopped. Spike looks slightly better than yesterday, but he's still a patchwork of cuts and bruises, looking like he lost a fight with a lion and a rhino at the same time. At least he can see out of both eyes now, and I try not to let my face heat up when our gazes meet and I see all that unbridled love in his.

He must still be in pretty bad shape, because his hair is a mess of curls instead of slicked back like a peroxide helmet. He should consider keeping his hair like this. It looks kinda cute.

And I'm obviously losing my mind if I'm putting 'Spike' and 'cute' in the same sentence without a big fat NOT in the middle.

Spike tries to give Dawn a reassuring smile. "Hey, Bit. How was school?"

It sounds weird, someone like Spike asking such a trivial question. But then he's probably trying to distract her from all the colours his face is turning because of the bruises.

Dawn's answer is as automatic as it is whenever I ask her the same question. "Good." She hesitates, then asks, "Are you gonna be OK, Spike?"

"Don't worry about me," he assures her. "I've recovered from worse. There was that one time some barmy bint brought down a church organ on my head and put me in a wheelchair for months."

I roll my eyes, but I can't help the smile tugging at my lips. "You totally deserved that."

My sister takes the bag of blood from my hands and steps towards Spike. "Here's your blood. Do you want some now?"

"Nah, Bit. Had the last bag from my last order an hour ago. Just put it in the fridge."

I try not to let the guilt creep up on me upon realising that if Dawn hadn't insisted on coming, Spike would've been out of blood and not in a good position to go and get more.

Unlike all the times Dawn's gotten out of helping me put the groceries away, she actually does as Spike says and stacks the blood into the fridge. Huh. There's a good incentive to keep Spike around: Dawn actually does as she's told when he's the one asking her.

"Bill put in some extra bags when he heard you're hurt, free of charge," she explains.

Is that a little bit of awe I can see in Spike's eyes? Not on the same levels as yesterday, after I kissed him, but it's there. Guess this is the first time someone's done something like that for him, and why does that make me feel all kinds of guilty?

"I'll have to thank him, next time I go in," he says. "Bring him a bottle of the good stuff."

"He expects you to be back on your feet by the time you need to collect your next order," I tell him. "I think he meant it as a challenge."

Spike smirks and forces himself to sit upright. "Challenge bloody accepted."

Dawn takes it upon herself to sit next to him on the couch before she starts talking a mile a minute, going into more detail about her day. I notice almost immediately that unlike my friends, who often only pretend to be interested in what she's saying, Spike actually is interested. He listens, makes his own comments, and cares. It would be seriously wiggy if he wasn't covered in the proof that his feelings are real.

I take a seat on the armchair and listen as well, but my attention drifts to Spike. I also notice that apart from the occasional quick glance, he keeps his attention on Dawn instead of me. He isn't trying to ignore me, but I still feel like it's deliberate. Like he's trying to give me space.

Which is one hell of a one-eighty compared to before, when he was loudly declaring his feelings for me whenever I saw him. Maybe he's finally realised nothing will ever happen between us? Or maybe he's guilty about the robot? He shouldn't be able to feel guilty without a soul, but then he shouldn't be capable of selfless sacrifice without a soul either, which is exactly what he intended to do while in Glory's clutches.

I realise that I've been staring at Spike for a while. If he's noticed, he doesn't show it, and I try to focus on the conversation again.

"…and Kirstie keeps insisting that Kevin is so into her and would never date a loser like me, but I bet they never had a meaningful conversation about death and depression. Kevin really gets me. And he's really cute. He was held back a year, so he's older, too."

"Right." Spike doesn't sound too pleased. "Where can I find this berk?"

Dawn's eyes go wide when she puts together what he's intending to do. "Don't eat him!"

"I can't, remember?" Spike taps the side of his head, referencing the chip. "Just thought I should size him up. Maybe flash a bit of fang, keep him in line. But if he tries to force you into something you're not ready for, I don't care how many zaps this chip gives me, I'll have his guts for garters."

"Buffy, Spike's threatening to kill someone!"

They both turn to me, Dawn expectant and Spike somewhere in between joking and worried. The latter probably because he's afraid I'm gonna suddenly remember what he is, grab Dawn and get the heck out of here.

Instead, I smile. It's sweet that he cares about her. "Dawn, if some jerk hurts you like that, Spike can do whatever he wants to him so long as he hides the body."

Spike smirks.

Dawn crosses her arms, pouting. "You're both gonna turn me into a crazy cat lady. Can we see what's on TV?"

"We can watch TV at home," I tell her.

"Yeah, but here we can watch TV and keep Spike company," she says.

I'm about to put my foot down until I see Spike's face. He was smiling when we first arrived, but now I can see the fear of loneliness in his eyes. Though he's trying to hide it, he wants us to stay a little bit longer.

Has he been fighting this loneliness since coming to Sunnydale? If he has, it's no wonder he put up with Harmony for so long.

"If it's OK with Spike, you can watch a couple of shows with him," I say. "After that, we really need to get back home because you have-"

"School tomorrow, I know." Ugh, she's got that snippy tone again. "I don't have to go all the time, you know. You missed a lot of school."

"Because I had to go and kill monsters that wanted to eat my classmates." I cross my arms, mimicking her. "You're going to school. End of discussion."

Before she can snap something back, Spike interrupts. "Nibblet, I think it's best to mind your big sis, yeah? It's what your mum would want."

Dawn softens at his words. "OK. I guess I can go tomorrow. Last day before the weekend."

Oh yeah, I'm definitely keeping him around. As a friend. Not keeping him like, keeping, keeping him. Definitely not. He's good at helping me with Dawn, that's all.

Spike switches on the TV and flips through the channels until he finds some kind of game show he and Dawn seem to be familiar with. The next half hour is filled with both of them shouting answers at the screen and insulting the contestants whenever they get questions wrong. A few times it looks like Spike's about to swear before he stops himself at the last minute, then glances at me apologetically.

I get sucked into it as well, only I don't yell at the screen. It hits me towards the end that a few years ago, I would've been acting just like Dawn. I can picture myself sitting on a couch with Willow and Xander, watching a silly game show and yelling. Maybe throwing popcorn as well. I wonder when I stopped having fun with people. It was before I had to take care of Dawn, even before Mom got sick. And it's not like I haven't hung out with my friends since then, it's just that it's been way too long since I remember really laughing, in the same way Dawn is laughing now.

Being an adult sucks.

It takes me a minute to realise that I didn't include Riley in my little mental image. But then he never really did silly stuff like this. He would've insisted that I change the channel to something more "mature" and boring, or something. Maybe that's why I stopped having fun? Riley sucked the joy out of everything. But then we were in a serious relationship, all mature and adult-like, like it's supposed to be.

And if that's what I have to look forwards to, maybe becoming a crazy cat lady isn't such a bad idea.

Some kind of Spanish soap opera comes on after the game show finishes. Spike gets into it, but Dawn quickly gets bored and curls up against the arm of the couch. When I look over at her again ten minutes later, she's fast asleep. So much for wanting to stay up late with Spike.

Spike looks over at her too and smiles. "Not much of a rebel, is she?"

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"Nothing wrong with rebelling against The Man," he retorts, switching off the TV. "That's how the Civil Rights movement got started. Can't argue against that."

"Yeah, but there's a big difference between fighting for equal rights and fighting against me when I'm trying to get her to do her homework." He snickers. "It's not funny!"

"Is just a tad, pet," he says. "You're the bleeding Slayer. You can fight your way through a hoard of vamps without breaking a sweat, but you can't wrangle your teenage sister into doing a bit of homework?"

I roll my eyes. "Oh sure. Laugh it up." I try to keep a smile on my face, but he's right and I hate it. If I can't persuade my sister to do homework, then there's not a chance in hell I can persuade her to do other things, like chores or even go to school. It's my job to protect her, but how can I do that if she won't listen to a word I say?

Of course, Spike sees right through my false smile and his own turns upside down. "Sorry, pet. Didn't mean to upset you."

And we have officially entered a world where vampires feel bad for unintentionally upsetting the Slayer. Strange alternate reality I've found myself in. "I know you didn't mean it. Things are just hard right now, what with worrying about Glory and trying to take care of Dawn and everything else on top. I'm dropping out of college until next year, but I don't even know if I'll be able to afford to go back."

"Do you wanna go back?"

I frown, because no one's really asked me that before. Going to college is just something everyone expects of me. When I finished high school, Mom, Willow, Giles, and even Angel all wanted me to go to college to "further my education", and I went along with it because what else am I supposed to do with my life besides slaying? But I entered college without a clear idea of what kind of job I wanted to get into, or even what to major in. I just picked courses based on what looked fun or interesting, or whatever course Willow had picked. And in most cases, courses I've chosen based on interest have made me lose interest thanks to mean teachers who like to pick on the blonde girl because of a stupid stereotype. Now that I think about it, the only subject that's really holding my interest at the moment is Professor Lillian's poetry course.

And because he's one of the nice teachers, I'll have to be extra careful he doesn't get eaten by anything. That always tends to happen to the good ones.

"I don't know," I answer honestly. On the one hand, going to college will give me a better chance of getting a well-paying job, and Mom wanted me to go. On the other hand, it costs a lot, I don't even know what job I want, and Xander's managed fine without going to college. Maybe I can just save the money for Dawn's college fund.

Spike doesn't comment on my answer. Actually, he stays quiet, which is weird in itself, but the silence just extends and it feels awkward as hell. But then I guess he and I have never really talked without insulting one another – and when he tried to change that by declaring his undying love for me every other sentence, I kept up the insults because what else was I supposed to say to him? Now I can't insult him after what he did, and he clearly doesn't want to give me a reason to go back to doing just that by continuing to declare his feelings, so…

But then we were talking just now, all civil and everything. Which, now that I remember, isn't even the first time. We had a similar chat on my back porch, right after I found out Mom was going into hospital to get her headaches checked out. So we can do it: have normal conversations, or whatever stands in as "normal" these days.

I realise that he's trying to say something, but is having trouble getting it out in the open. I wonder what could possibly make him so hesitant until he actually starts speaking. "I'm sorry about the bot. Should've apologised yesterday but… yeah."

Ugh, does he really have to bring that thing up? But his guilt looks genuine, and I shouldn't really snap at him when he's trying to apologise. Still, I need to be sure he's apologising for the right reasons. "Are you just saying that because it made me mad? Or do you understand why it was wrong?"

"Knew it was wrong the whole time," he says. "Just didn't care. Seemed like a good idea when I first thought of it, but… Even when I cornered the bloke about making it, part of me was trying to talk myself out of it. But… I was just so…"

Lonely. Hurt. I'll admit, if I was ever confronted with the possibility of creating a robot version of Angel… OK, I'd still say 'no', but I'd be tempted. Very tempted. Throw in the lack of moral compass, and it almost makes sense why Spike did it.

"Just make sure it doesn't happen again," I tell him. "Willow's keeping it in case it comes in handy in the near future."

His brows go up. "I was hoping you'd burn the bloody thing."

Huh. Scratch 'a little guilty', he's feeling genuinely terrible about it. "She said it would be a crime to burn a work of art. The robotics, anyway. Warren may be a sleaze, but he's also a genius, apparently."

"If he was smart, he would've never built his first one in the first place," Spike says. "And if I was smart… Bloody hell, if I could go back and do things differently, I would."

"I'm pretty sure everyone has that wish," I say. "I do. There are so many things I'd do differently if I could turn back time."

And saving Mom is right at the top of that list.

Spike gives me a look of sympathy, like he knows exactly what I'm thinking. But he doesn't say it out loud. Just sighs and says, "You'd best get the Bit back home. I need to sleep on this sofa."

"Don't you have a bed downstairs?" I ask.

"Yeah, but I'm not feeling up to climbing down there at the mo."

More guilt. Right on the tip of my tongue is a suggestion that he come and live in my basement until he gets better. But I bite it back. I don't think I can have Spike that close to me right now. Not because I don't trust him, I just don't think I can trust myself. As much as I tell myself I'm not interested…

He did a big thing for me and Dawn. And he's pretty. My brain can only fight against my hormones for so long before it gives out.

And the last thing I need is the gang turning on me for getting with another vampire when I need them the most. I can't let us fall apart when Glory is so close to figuring out who the Key is.

I get up and walk over to Dawn, before giving her shoulder a shake. "Dawn? Come on, we need to go home."

Her eyes flutter open. It takes her a few moments to remember where she is, and when she does, she bolts upright. "I wasn't asleep. I was just resting my eyes."

Spike scoffs. "I didn't know humans snore when they rest their eyes."

She sticks out her tongue, and he does it right back. And there's another reason Spike can't live with us: I don't need two children living under my roof.

"Come on, Dawn," I repeat. "It's time to go."

"Remember what you said, Bit?" says Spike. "Last day before the weekend tomorrow. You promised you'd go to school."

"I didn't 'promise'," she insists, "but fine. Only because you asked."

Then again, having Spike in the house would spare me a ton of headaches. It's something to think about.

We say our goodbyes, and I feel Spike's eyes on me as we walk out of the crypt and shut the door behind us. Even as we walk away, I somehow know he's staring at the door and will continue to do so until he can no longer hear us.

It doesn't take us long to walk back home. The clock strikes eleven as we walk through the door, and Dawn instantly hurries upstairs to get ready for bed. Either she really cares about Spike's opinion or she's way more tired than she's letting on. Not that it matters, I'm just glad she's doing as she's told for once.

I'm tired, too. I can probably afford to skip patrol tonight. It's still dead out there, and honestly, I think I'd be too tempted to go and check in on Spike again. Ugh, this whole 'in love with the Slayer, must protect her family at all costs' thing he's got going on is really throwing me for a loop or ten.

Just as I'm about to head upstairs, the phone rings.

I stare at it for a few moments, wondering who it could be. Not that phone calls are weird at this hour, it's just that this late at night, they're usually of the bad variety. It's most likely Giles, but it could be Willow or Xander calling me to say there's a last minute Big Bad I need to squish before the apocalypse comes. Joy of joys.

With a sigh, I cross over to the phone and pick it up, pressing it to my ear. "Hello?"

All I can here is static, and lots of it. Whoever's calling me has a really bad line on their end. Among the static I can hear someone trying to talk, but I can't make out what they're saying. The only word I can make out is my name.

"… Buffy…"

"Hello?" I say again. "Who's there? Can you hear me?"

The static gets quieter and the voice gets louder. Loud enough for me to recognise it.

"Buffy… need you… listen… me…"

As my own.

Even after five years of craziness and having to expect the unexpected, the sound of my own voice on the other end of the phone is still… wiggy.

Wait, is this the robot version of me?

I look at the little screen, expecting to see the Magic Box's number there. But instead, the screen is spazzing out, each section flashing through numbers like a stop watch flashes through milliseconds. It's like the phone is trying to get a pin on who's calling but can't figure it out.

Somehow, I know this isn't the robot. She sounded perky and fun, and this Buffy's voice doesn't sound like that at all.

"Listen… we're coming… try to…"

She's breaking up.

"Hello? Can you hear me?"

"Buffy… losing…"

That's Willow's voice, but she sounds different. Older?

The other me is speaking again. "Listen… call later… Dawn…"

There's more static, completely burying her voice, and then it cuts out.

I pull the phone away from my ear and stare at it disbelieving, trying to comprehend what I've just heard. My own voice, and Willow's as well, but not my Willow?

My voice and Willow's voice. The logical side of my brain is telling me this has to be my robot doppelganger. Like, maybe Willow switched her on again to check something, she glitched and randomly decided to call me. But then why didn't the caller ID show up? Unless if the robot was malfunctioning, it affected the phone line as well?

Only one way to find out. I dial the Magic Box's number. It rings for almost a minute before I hear Anya's perky voice say, "Hi! If you'd like to give us your money, please leave a message!"

I slam the phone down. Maybe Willow left quickly? I pick it up and dial her dormitory number.

She picks up after two rings. "Hello?"

The fact that she's at her dorm already means she wasn't at the Magic Box unless she's mastered teleportation, but I have to ask. "Willow, did you switch on the Buffy Bot tonight? And did she, I don't know, ring me up or something?"

"No," she replies. "Tara and I left the Bronze not long after you and Dawn did, and we came straight back here. Wait, has Spike switched it back on?"

"No, he hasn't," I say. "He's still too injured to leave his crypt. I don't think it was the bot, but I just had to make sure."

"What do you mean?"

"I got a phone call from someone who sounds like me," I explain. "I heard your voice in the background, too. It was really static-y and the caller ID was having a party… But if it was really us, how is that possible?"

Willow's silent for a moment, before she asks, "Have you told Giles?"

"No," I say. "I'll call him now. Just… If these people try and call you, be careful. We don't know if this is another one of Glory's tricks."

"Will do. Night, Buffy."

"Night."

I hang up, pick up the phone again and punch in Giles's speed-dial. As I wait for him to answer, something Spike said earlier comes back to me.

If I could go back and do things differently, I would…

There are so many things I'd do differently if I could turn back time…

Vampires and magic and monsters are real. I should be ready to expect anything.

But would it be crazy to assume that time travel is real, too?

Chapter End Notes: Chapter titles will be named after Taylor Swift songs with a corresponding song lyric at the beginning. Because I realised while planning this story that a lot of Taylor's songs not only fit Spuffy, but Buffy's life in general.