"Finding Words"

Summary: Words have always been a challenge for Simon and Kaylee, whether fumbling or avoiding them. Weeks after Miranda, they share some important ones. A bit of Kaylee/Simon fluff. References the series, the BDM, "Those Left Behind", and "Leaves on the Wind".

I have hesitated for a long time to post this story as it's an early Firefly piece for me - first draft finished nearly four years ago. It does, however, have some bits that I like and hope some of Fandom will appreciate. Plus, if I post it, maybe I will quit fiddling with it. Thank you for reading.

...

"Simon, are you awake?" Kaylee whispered into the darkness. They lay spooned together in Simon's bunk, him behind her, curled around her body. His right arm circled her waist loosely.

"Mmm?" he mumbled. "You okay?" His voice was sleepy and slurred – not surprising considering the amount of inter-engine wine he had drunk that evening, along with most of the crew. She had guided him the whole stumbling walk from the galley to his dorm, with a brief stop in the infirmary for a couple of hangover pills. He had been so relaxed, she had practically poured him into bed before joining him. They had shared no more than a boozy good-night kiss before he had slid, smiling goofily, into slumber. It was, she realized, the first time since his gut wound had finally healed that they had started ship's nighttime with just sleep. She hardly begrudged skipping their usual activities, though, when he was such an endearingly mushy drunk. Besides, she had needed some thinking time.

She figured she had lain unsleeping beside him nearly an hour before she had been ready to say anything, but as soon as he spoke, her courage fled.

"I'm fine," she said quickly. "Go back to sleep, honey."

His arm drew her closer and then relaxed. She waited until she felt no more movement other than his deep, even breathing.

It still amazed her fast how he could wake up, coming to consciousness quickly and completely – a habit from his medical intern days, he had told her. For the same reason, he was a light sleeper and would usually wake when she stirred, but if she lay quietly after he drifted off, she could listen to his breathing. After more than two months together, the sound of Simon's calm and even sleeping breath had become as soothing to her as the hum of Serenity's engine.

Listening to him now helped steady her nerves – and changed her plan a bit.

"Are you awake?" she asked again, her voice barely audible. This time, he gave no response. Bless that last round of hooch, she thought.

She swallowed and spoke in the smallest voice she could, hardly hearing the words herself, "There's something I been wanting to tell you for a while now. Just not sure if I should. Figured you woulda said something first, but maybe you're just not ready."

She paused to check again if he was still sleeping, but heard only his steady breathing.

"Thing is," she continued, "after today, I just gotta say it. The look of joy on your face when Zoe told us her news... Well, it just filled my heart near to bursting. I almost said it then and there, but it was her moment, so I had to wait. And then I conjured you might get all scared if I said anything so close to news like that - like you might think I was trying to send a message.

"So I'm doing it now, while you're sleeping. Maybe if your sleep brain hears it, your awake brain won't be so surprised. Might get used to the idea. Might even... like the idea.

"So here goes..." She took a long breath and forced herself to speak the next words slowly and evenly. "Simon Tam, I love you. I have loved you for so long I don't right remember when it started. Much longer than we been together, that I can say. I ain't sure where you are with us, but for me, I know it's love, real and true." She paused again, a little awed by actually saying the words, and she finished awkwardly, "I hope that's okay."

She felt a sudden rumbling against her back, and realized Simon was laughing. "You're awake, ain't you?" she accused. She rolled over inside his still-clinging embrace and saw his eyes were indeed open, twinkling with merriment.

"Yes, I'm awake," he said, grinning like a fool.

She tried to swat him, but his arms had her own trapped, so she jabbed a foot at his shin instead. "How much did you hear, you worm?"

"Enough to know you did not want me to hear," he said, smirking. Those hangover pills had apparently done their job, because he was fully awake and highly amused.

She pushed back hard and succeeded in freeing her arms. She swatted him on the chest. "That wasn't nice, Simon!" Her face blazed in embarrassment, and she was grateful for the low light. She scooted backwards and sat up, although his arms still rested on her hips.

"Maybe," he conceded in a playful tone. His tone turned sincere, however, as he continued, "But then I would have missed hearing the most wonderful words anyone has ever said to me."

Kaylee's heart started thumping as he sat up next to her. Simon cradled her face in his hands and said, "Kaylee Frye, I love you, too. More than I ever thought possible." He smiled and took a small breath. "You were the first friend I made on this ship, then my best friend, and now I cannot imagine my life without you in it."

"Oh, Simon," she said softly. She touched his face and leaned in to give him a long kiss, all forgiven.

As she sat back, something about his speaking struck her, and she grinned. "Did you... practice that?"

He chuckled and dipped his face in a way that, although she could not see in the dim light, she knew he was blushing. "I admit I did," he said. "For once, I wanted to say the right thing." He returned her kiss, at first tenderly but it quickly intensified as he pulled her into his arms. Every kiss they shared gave her sparks, but this one rocketed down her body like Serenity jamming to hard burn. When they finally pulled apart, Simon touched his forehead to hers and whispered breathlessly, "Wǒ ài nǐ, Kaylee."

"Wǒ ài nǐ, Simon." Saying it to his face was so much more satisfying.

A gleam shone in his eye, and she knew they would not be sleeping for a good, long, delectable while yet. She gleamed right back at him and pushed him down on the bed.

… … … … … … …

Some time later, they lay side-by-side, fingers intertwined. Beside her head, Kaylee felt Simon's heartbeat slow from frantic tattoo to gentle thub. Her own took a long time to rev down as well, and she could not stop grinning. She had never had I-love-you sex before, and it had been about the most amazing thing ever. She felt her body glowing as if it might burst out the walls of the dorm. She definitely could not sleep now, and her head filled with questions.

"Simon, are you still awake?" she ventured again, in full voice.

He laughed. "Yes, dear."

She disengaged her hand long enough to swat his chest playfully. "Be nice. Just for that, you have to answer my questions – truthfully."

"Of course. Anything."

"You had those beautiful words all planned. Was you ever gonna tell me?"

"Eventually, yes. When the time felt right."

"Why'd you even wait?"

"Well, I wasn't sure if... I mean, you'd never..."

"You didn't think I loved you back?" she said incredulously. How could he not have known?

"I was... not sure. There was a certain... specificity in your response to my little speech at the barricade." His tone was teasing, but she heard a minor note of hurt.

"Ai ya!" she said in exasperation. "You ain't gonna let me forget that, are you? I already told you that was the stress of the moment!"

He laughed and brought her hand to his lips for a quick kiss. "You did. And that let me hope. But there is a lot of space between wanting sex and being in love. I did not want to say anything too soon and jeopardize what we have. I've said too many foolish things in the past."

"And probably will in the future."

"Hey!"

She giggled and bumped her head against his chest. "It's okay. I'm learning to filter what you mean from what you say."

"You don't –" he started but cut off. After a quiet moment, he said simply, "Thank you."

"And Simon?"

"Hmm?"

"For the record, 'I love you' ain't never a foolish thing to say."

He inhaled as if he was about to start a long speech, but then let out the breath and only said, with a hint of amusement, "So noted."

He lapsed into a longer silence, so Kaylee pulled another question from the dozens in her mind. "Do you know when you knew you loved me?"

"Ah. Yes, I know exactly when it happened," he replied. "It was the night –" He stopped.

"When?" she prompted.

"Well..."

"Tell me, Simon." She tickled his palm to encourage him.

"It was the night... well... the night that Jubal Early came on board," he said quietly.

She stiffened at the mention of that horrible bounty hunter. His cold eyes and menacing voice still tormented her nightmares.

"Should I go on?" Simon asked softly.

She nodded. "Yeah, please. Maybe something good came outta that night." She snuggled into Simon, and he circled his arm tightly around her.

"When he told me..." He fell silent again for several moments, and Kaylee was about to prompt him again when he finally spoke. "You remember I told you that I had helped him look for River because he threatened me and the crew?"

"Yeah. He said you would 'find your moment' to attack him. I remember."

She heard and felt him sigh. "That was not entirely true."

She rolled over, placed a hand on his chest, and stared evenly into his eyes. "What do you mean, Simon?"

"It's true that Early threatened to shoot me if I didn't help him, but I didn't do it for that reason. He told me he... Well, he threatened to... harm... you if I did not cooperate." The discomfort he put in the word "harm" told her Simon knew exactly how that villain had threatened her.

Kaylee tried not to think about Early's chilling words, tried to swallow the remembered feelings of helplessness and fear, so she kept her eyes locked on Simon's, kept her mind focused in the present. This revelation stunned her, as it sunk in that Simon had been forced to help Early because of her. "Why didn't you tell me this before?" she whispered.

Simon sat up, pulling her up with him, laid his arms on her shoulders, and looked into her eyes. "I didn't want you to blame yourself for what happened. Nothing that happened was in any way your fault. You understand that, don't you?"

She stared downward, still processing this new twist on that awful night so many months ago. As much as Early had terrified her, as much guilt as she had carried for telling the bounty hunter where to find River, she never knew she had been used as a threat against Simon as well. She felt ill at the thought.

Simon gently brushed her hair away from her face and bent down to catch her eyes again. "Kaylee, listen to me. Nothing that happened was your fault," he repeated slowly and distinctly. "Please believe me: I have no regrets whatever about what I did that night and why I did it."

"No regrets?" she asked.

"None at all." He grinned. "Except maybe getting shot. I could have done without the bullet in my leg – particularly since, as River has reminded me on numerous occasions, that was my own gorramn fault." He winked. "Her words."

Kaylee smiled a little, recalling the times River had scolded her older brother for that brash moment of unnecessary heroism. She took a long deep breath and willed herself to let go of the fear. "Okay," she finally said. "I believe you." She kissed Simon to show him she would be okay.

Kaylee nestled against Simon's chest, and he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and lay his head on hers. They sat quiet and close for several minutes – until a realization dawned on her. "Y'know," she said, "you still haven't really answered my question."

"Which?" he murmured into her hair.

"When did you first know you loved me?"

He pulled her closer. "When Early threatened you, I felt..." He stroked a hand gently down her arm. "I felt like he'd just shoved his hand into my chest and squeezed all the blood out of my heart. I just couldn't let him hurt you, no matter the cost." Simon shook his head. "I mean, I wouldn't have let him hurt you, no matter what we were to each other, but somehow that man knew before I did just how important you were to me. I did not get it just at that moment, but later, when I thought about it, I realized how deeply I felt about you. Even then, I tried –"

When Simon did not continue, Kaylee pulled back to give him a questioning look. His gaze dropped with an expression she had come to know meant he was regretting something he had done. "What is it, Simon?"

He sat back against the wall, straightened up, and arranged the bedding around himself, almost prudishly, before folding his hands awkwardly on his lap. She knew this body language too, and thought she had seen the last of it. "Simon," she chided, "what's the problem? For God's sake, you've got me naked in your bed. Don't go all proper and stiff on me now!"

A half-smile quirked up his lips, and the gleam came back to his eyes. "I thought you preferred me stiff in this situation."

Her brows raised and eyes widened in delight and surprise. "Hang on. Did the right and proper Doctor Simon Tam just make a dirty joke?"

The grin cracked across his whole face, and with a jerk of his wrist, he lifted the bedding and lunged at her, rolling her onto her back. He took her lips with his, fierce and passionate. Kaylee responded with equal enthusiasm, raking her fingers through his hair and arching her back to encourage him. At the same time, his hand slid between her legs, and she soon let go any questions she might have had for the time being.

… … … … … … …