Bonding Through Sin: A Team Dark Crackfic
Author's note: Hey! So, idk if anyone remembers me since it's been like seventeen years oh my god how does time work but back in 2003-2004 I had a semi-popular comedy fanfic on here titled "A Very Nutty Sonic Fic". It was uh, very much written by a 12 year old and not all that great. Though somehow it had 600+ reviews before it was reported and taken down by this organized group of trolls that called themselves 'The Alliance'. Early internet drama sure was a trip.
Anyway, a lot of folks have been indulging their inner middle-schoolers during quarantine, myself included, so I figured, why not? Why not take a stab at another goofy Sonic fic, but with (hopefully) better writing? So here we are. I've been having SO much fun writing this monstrosity, and I hope y'all enjoy~!
Chapter One: The First Chapter
"They say the more people fear you, the more flowers you get."
Shadow the hedgehog had unfortunately discovered that he wasn't as feared as he had hoped. He'd been in the hospital for a week and a half and had only received one gift-A crude drawing of Knuckles (with big bulging muscles and a cape for some reason) with "Get Well Soon" written in chickenscratch next to it, drawn on a napkin by Knuckles himself.
At least it was something. Everyone else went the cheapass route and just left worthless kind messages of love and support on his facebook page. Boring.
Shadow sighed and peered up at the TV in his hospital room. House Hunters was on and the wife was bitching about the master bedroom having a ceiling fan. Shadow got too invested in the show and started yelling at the couple to pick house #2 but then they picked house #3 even though it was way out of their budget.
Pissed at their lack of frugality and at this parasitic consumerist culture we live in, he threw the remote at the TV. It hit the screen and it cracked like your mom's new plasma TV in 2008 when you played Wii tennis without the wrist strap, you little shit.
Well, shit, the TV was broken now. Shadow then decided to play tetris on his vintage hot pink motorola razr flip phone, but he was very bad at tetris and kept losing. He then threw the phone at the hospital window, and it bounced off of it and hit his hospital roommate, Goku, square in the forehead and killed him instantly. I don't want any bullshit in the comments from DBZ fanboy weirdos saying that that wouldn't kill Goku, this is my fucking story and Goku is dead now, deader than a doornail, fuck you, eat shit, go cry into your fruit loops about it.
Anyway Shadow was in the hospital, right. He had a lot of pent-up rage, because the reason he was in the hospital was because of Sonic's bad driving. The blue hedgehog had a Corvette, that he had named Gary, though he had been through multiple Garys and after his most recent accident he was now on Gary the 268th. (I thought this joke was very funny in a fic I wrote when I was 12.) His car insurance rates were very high because of this but it didn't really affect Sonic because he was part of the 1% for being a hero and didn't pay taxes due to his multiple offshore accounts. The guillotine will come for him one day.
Shadow had unfortunately been a passenger in Sonic's most recent crash. They had crashed into a convention center hosting a local furry con, and Shadow ended up contracting a bad case of fursonavirus. He was being treated at the hospital for a chronic case of reading Warrior Cats books and drawing naughty pictures of Freddy Fazbear.
Suddenly, the doctor walked into the room. He looked at the smashed TV, then at Goku's dead body on the floor.
"Oh, that's unfortunate," the doctor murmured. He pulled off his Naruto headband and said a few words of prayer over Goku's body out of respect, then picked up the corpse and pushed it out the window into oncoming traffic.
"Doctor, how am I supposed to cope with Judy Hopps's fine ass being a class traitor?" Shadow pondered aloud.
"Hmm, looks like you're still experiencing fursonavirus symptoms. I'm going to up your dose of medicine and keep you here another week," the doctor replied.
Shadow groaned and started smoking a blunt in his hospital bed. "Doc, you've gotta get me out of here, I can't do this anymore."
The doctor walked over to Shadow's bedside, and Shadow passed him the boof. He took one puff of it and started coughing immediately.
"Bro what strain is this, ho-o-oly shit," the doctor sputtered in-between his violent hacking.
"It's a very rare strain, grown with soil mixed with Ronald Reagan's ashes," Shadow smirked as he gleefully watched the doctor suffocate.
"Damn...that's dank..." the doctor managed to gasp out. He was writhing on the floor now and coughing up Nickelodeon slime. Shadow got out of bed and crawled over to him and ripped his Scooby Doo villain mask off, revealing the generic nameless doctor to be...Dr. Eggman.
"Eggman what the fuck," Shadow said in disbelief. He reached over to his bedside table and grabbed a glass of water and offered it to the orange mustachio'd man.
Eggman sat up and quickly gulped down the water, spilling some of it on his scrub top in the process. Shadow rolled his eyes and sat back down on the bed.
"Why the hell are you here? What kind of shitty scheme is this?" Shadow inquired while fluffing up his frilly pink pillow and making sure all of his stuffed animals were tucked in and kissing them goodnight like the adoring plushie father he was.
His proud dad moment was interrupted by a sudden eruption of evil laughter from the doctor. Unfortunately the doctor had started laughing while taking a gulp of water so his evil laughter quickly turned into evil coughing.
"HA-hrk-HA-blurgh-HA-krrk!" Eggman managed to choke out. He hoisted his juicy thicc egg body off the floor and walked over to the window, sputtering more Nickelodeon slime as he went and trailing it behind him.
Shadow blinked. "Hey uh we're conveniently in a hospital right now, do you wanna get that condition looked at maybe…?"
Eggman only glared back at him, then turned to face the window, putting a palm on the glass and looking out like he was having a deep tragic intelligent high IQ epic rick-and-morty-watcher moment. He peered out at the parking lot down below, briefly imagining what it would be like if he was the Joker.
"Shadow, I'm going to be frank with you. I don't have much time left," Eggman rasped out after a long moment of awkward silence.
"YOOOOOO-I mean, shit dude, that sucks," Shadow said, trying to sound sympathetic. He paused. "So uh…...who's getting your PS5?"
"I'm not dying you fool!" Eggman hissed. "Let me finish!"
"That's what your mom said last night," Shadow said nonchalantly, sipping coffee, trying to hide his disappointment.
With clenched fists and bloodshot eyes, Eggman barked out, "Motherfucker, just get in the car!" He pulled a tiny remote out of his shirt pocket and pushed a big green button.
Immediately, an egg-shaped hovercar burst in through the wall, and without a care or desire to take responsibility for the untold amounts of unnecessary trauma and inconvenience he had just caused for the hospital patients and staff, Eggman grabbed Shadow by his white chest hair and forcefully buckled him into the carseat in the back of the car and flew off.
They arrived at Costco.
Shadow was immobilized by the pain from having his white chest hair pulled, so it was relatively easy for Eggman to unbuckle him from his carseat and shove him into the kid's seat of the shopping cart.
Eggman wheeled the cart to the store entrance, only to be stopped by the greeter at the door.
"Good afternoon, sir, may I see your Costco membership card?" the overly smiley and robotically cheerful white man who's name was probably Brayden or something asked.
"Oh, uh, y-yes, just a minute-" Eggman stuttered, as he frantically checked the inside pockets of his Gucci purse. "Aha!"
He pulled out a raygun and vaporized Brayden-or-whatever on the spot.
The pile of ashes that was once a guy who might be named Brayden then formed a pair of cartoon eyes and a cartoon mouth.
"Wakka wakka wakka! I'm still okay!" the cartoon mouth belonging to the man with Brayden vibes exclaimed. A gust of wind then suddenly ripped through and scattered the ash pile into a cloud of dust, the faint tortured screams of guy-who-could-be-a-Brayden heard faintly on the breeze.
"Haha, oh, you rascal!" Eggman said while playfully batting his hand. "I love our talks."
Eggman hummed to himself while pushing his cart through the aisles of Costco. He found a nice floral wreath to put on his front door.
Shadow, still clutching his manly white chest hair in pain, finally spoke.
"Why the hell are we here? We're not wearing masks, I could spread the virus-"
"Shadow, do you actually believe the fursonavirus is real? It was all made up by Big Furry to sell more issues of Beastars," Eggman scoffed.
The dark hedgehog sneered and rolled his eyes. "Well that's disappointing. I thought you were a brilliant scientist, yet here you are peddling the common man's conspiracy theories. Do you believe that aliens built the pyramids, too?"
"No, that's silly, of course not. Aliens only built the state of Florida," Eggman retorted.
Shadow blinked a few times in bewilderment, then found his voice again.
"Listen, you buttery kookmeister. Just get me a mask, I really don't want to give this virus to anyone else. It's awful, I can't stop making Lion King OCs and-"
Shadow was interrupted by Eggman putting a sparkly pink sequined mask over his face. The doctor then put his own mask on, one that had unlicensed fanart of Lightning Mcqueen on it, with special holes in it for his wild unkempt mustache to poke out of.
"There, now we're muzzled. Happy now, you freedom-hating commie?" Eggman hissed. He pulled a locket out of his shirt and opened it, and kissed the picture of Tucker Carlson inside.
"Sure, whatever," Shadow replied, raising an eyebrow and making a mental note to destroy Eggman's cable box. "Now tell me why the hell we're here. What do you 'not have much time left' for? That 2-for-1 shampoo sale over there?" Climbing out of the cart, he pointed to a large stacked display of Herbal Essences© shampoo bottles at the end of the aisle they were on.
"Why, Shadow my boy, you're much brighter than I expected! That's exactly why we're here!" the doctor praised. "Hell of a deal. My budget is tight right now because I've been spending so much money on perpetuating my evil deeds in a sick world that's already cruel enough without my intervention, you see." He grinned widely. There was some broccoli stuck in-between the central and lateral incisors on the left side of his upper teeth. Shadow noticed, but purposely didn't point it out to him.
"I...really? I was being sarcastic. You madman, you don't even have hair! Why do you need so much shampoo? Why did you take me out of the hospital for this? What do you even need me here for?" Shadow demanded angrily.
He then stomped his foot in protest, but this caused his rocket shoes to activate, propelling him forward and sending him crashing into the large shampoo display. Bottles flew everywhere. Many of the lids cracked open when they hit the ground, spilling gallons of fruity-scented hair wash all over the concrete flooring.
The scene that followed was even more chaotic.
An elderly bald man walked right into the slippery solution with his walker and slipped and fell. This caused an open bag of Werther's Originals® to fly out of his back pocket.
The hard caramel candies landed in the choppy highlighted hair of a nearby Karen. Clutching her pearls and offended by the sudden confectionery assault since she was currently on a sugar-free fad diet, she stomped over to the nearest overworked employee and let out a loud banshee scream that nearly broke the sound barrier.
The vibrations from the scream caused the poor employee to stumble backwards into a large display of buckets filled with nuclear waste, on sale now for only $14.99. The buckets tumbled to the floor, spilling their radioactive contents and mixing with the shampoo.
The newly-created solution began to bubble and hiss, and started to move on its own. It sloshed over to the fallen old man and engulfed his entire being, making him one with the ooze. The ooze then went through a sparkly, glittery magical girl transformation. At the end of the 5 minute long glorified light-show sequence that took up the majority of the animation budget, the ooze melted away to reveal the old man underneath, now fully healed and no longer bald. He now had radioactive skin, the ability to walk and stand on his own again, and a gorgeous head of long flowy wizard hair.
"Well hot diggity dog! What a darn-tootin' miracle!" the elderly man exclaimed. "I thought this old chrome-dome would never sprout hair ever again! I'm going to pick up so many broads at bingo night tonight!" He tugged at the ends of his newfound gray Fabio mane and nearly wept with joy. He then clicked his heels together and skipped out of the store, leaving behind him a trail of toxic glowing footprints that would probably make a geiger counter go a little wild.
Meanwhile, Shadow was covered in bruises. And cheeses. After knocking over the shampoos, his shoes had continued to propel him all over the store causing untold property damage in every aisle, ending with a large crash in the dairy section. The cheese had melted and caked onto his fur thanks to the hot exhaust from the rocket shoes. He was a cheesehog now. Cheese is funny. Fuck you.
Eggman rushed over, tugging his shopping cart filled with expired cans of beans behind him.
"What the fuck, Shadow," the doctor scolded. "I can't believe this shit. What the fuck. The lawsuits, man. They'll bankrupt you, man. Maaaaan." He pulled a huge fat blunt out of his underwear, lit it on the small sparks still coming out of Shadow's shoes, and started really honking on it.
Shadow, still in immense pain and suffering from second degree burns from the hot cheese seeping into his skin pores, looked at the blunt with needy desire. He licked his lips, burning his tongue in the process because his lips were covered in hot cheese. Ow. The pain he was experiencing all over his body was starting to become very #problematic and #cancelled and #SeriousInjuryIsOverParty for him, and he was dying for relief. Just a puff of that thick hippie asparagus might do the trick.
"...Puff...puff...pass?" the dark hedgehog managed to croak out with what little remaining strength he had.
"I-I just wanted some goddamn shampoo. For-for my large ladykiller 'stache. It's so crusty right now," Eggman murmured to himself, his voice a bit shaky. He took another backwards whisperkiss off of that sweet honkin' potdog, trying to calm his nerves.
Then the doctor's whole demeanor suddenly changed. He began to speak, in a much lower octave and with a tone of grave seriousness.
"Shadow, I brought you here with me today because...I need your help with something." His face had taken on a hardened, burdened expression. And dare I say, there was a sudden wet gleam in his eye that suggested a very deep, buried, profound sadness.
Shadow was too busy aching everywhere from breaking, like, a jillion bones in his twink hedgehog body. He felt like roadkill on sizzling hot asphalt. Eggman's sudden bruh moment did not matter to him right now. His senses were overloaded by the agony he was in and by the thick scent of gouda and pepperjack wafting all around him in the air. All he wanted right now was a healing visit from the great green goddess Mary Jane.
The villainous mad doctor's expression had now softened, and his eyes were glazed over as if his mind had drifted somewhere very far away. He stroked his unkempt ginger mustache, lost in rapt contemplation.
"Shadow...I want you to train under me, become my apprentice. I need a successor for my evil empire. I found out that I have a low sperm count, so I figured my dead cousin's weirdass emo pet was the next best option," Eggman said, his voice low and firm. He held the wrapped gigglebush tube up to his meaty lips and hooted it some more.
"PUFF...PUFF...PASS...DICKHEAD," Shadow sputtered out, louder this time. He wasn't hearing anything the doctor was saying. Everything was just turning to shit for him these days. First he caught a virus, then he got kidnapped by a guy literally named Dr Eggman-like how fucking embarrassing lmao imagine getting kidnapped by some goofy-ass William Howard Taft looking motherfucker named after a fucking breakfast food-and now, he was in need of serious medical attention and covered in cheese. Fucking Thursdays, am I right?
Eggman lowered his gaze and finally made eye contact with the hedgehog-turned-nacho-plate.
"Alright, Shadow. I will let you beep this leaf...if you agree to what I just said."
"OK FINE PUFFPUFFPASS," the hot topic mascot wheezed, desperately reaching his hand out.
Eggman smirked and passed him the juicy jazz jingler. Shadow gathered up the last of his strength and took the fattest zoot off that dooky chonker he could muster. As he lungfucked the spicy salad, he began to feel...serene. The searing pain dissipated. And then he began to float.
Literally. His cheddar-painted body started ascending towards the high ceiling of the Costco.
Shadow didn't care at this point. He was no longer in pain, and now totally zoinked. Rabid cabbage saves the day again.
But what Shadow didn't expect, as he floated higher and higher, was that there was someone up in the ceiling rafters waiting for him.
Rouges the boobses.
The busty bat was hanging upside-down from a support beam when she spotted the transcended ultimate lifeform. But like, she had a bra on, rather securely actually, because otherwise her ta-tas would be hanging right in front of her face, and that would be very uncomfortable and silly. See, ya gotta think of these things when writing. Boob physics are no joke. Did you know that 1 in 6 Koalas are killed every year by boob physics? Google it. You'll see that I'm lying and making shit up. Always check the facts, children.
Shadow was too busy thinking about how all we need is love and all that hippie shit to notice Rouge flying at him from behind. She grabbed the hedgehog by the shoulders and held on, slowly descending and pushing his body back towards the ground. Shadow's feet touched the floor and he regained his footing, and his gravity. He giggled like a schoolgirl who had just seen her crush in the hallway standing coolly next to that one shitty vending machine that you always had to shake vigorously to free your snack.
"Heyyyy Rouge," Shadow snickered, baked as a cake.
"How very out of character for you. Nice to see you too, dearie," Rouge smirked. She started peeling the cheese off her gloves, then glanced at Eggman.
"So what's this about an evil apprenticeship, Doc?" the bat asked. "You telling me this fic might have a plot?"
Eggman cackled. "Why are you interested, you double-crossing spy-thief?"
"Well, y'see, I've been living in the rafters of this Costco for about 6 months now. I'm uh...kinda wanted for tax fraud," Rouge said matter-of-factly. "And I'm tired of being powerless. I need your help."
The doctor looked delighted. "Oh-ho! You don't mean..."
"That's right," Rouge affirmed. She held her head high and stood with a posture of confidence, like a real girlboss.
"I want to destroy the IRS."
TO BE CONTINUED...
This is how I used to end every chapter of every fic I wrote as a kid, so for the hell of it:
ROOTIE TOOTIE LOVES REVIEWS! ^_~