Months have passed since the retaking of Shiganshina. They had cleared out the inner wall of Maria of all the titans, as well as the district itself. They ventured beyond the wall with little to no problem, and they were making their way to the ocean. All he could do was think.
His thoughts were not in one place or one time. One moment they'd be as far back in the past as when he first joined the Scouts with Farlan and Isabel, the next they'd be in battle a year ago, and then just as suddenly, back a few years ago when all they were focused on were fighting the titans and getting to be where they were now.
"Tch," he tuts.
Hange looks over at him for a moment, as if their sole eye was trying to communicate an emotion of patience and understanding. He doesn't meet their gaze. They sigh and they charge forward.
They find a cliffside, a drop-off point, and coming up the sloped side they see the ocean.
The blue, clear ocean.
He stares at it, seeing nothing but him in it as the light bounces off the waves. Nobody moves for a good minute, but then Hange gently squeezes their horse with their calves and the horse walks forward slowly. The rest of the Scouts follow suit, but Levi lingers for a moment longer.
His heart drops. His eyes would have held so much excitement, and yet, since he would have still been commander, the rest of his face would have remained calm. Closing his eyes for a moment, seeing him gently smile once more, he too makes his horse walk forward.
By the time he hopped off his horse and calmed him, everyone else was already out of their boots with their pants rolled up, in the ocean. He grumbles. To his right, Jean, Sasha, and Connie are splashing each other with the water. Ahead of him, Eren and his friends are staring beyond, with Armin holding something in his hands. Hange is ahead too, closer to the shore, exclaiming excitedly and calling to him. He absentmindedly yells back at them, not caring too much about what they said to him.
Not too long after they arrived, it was nearly time for them to head back. He hopped back onto his horse as everyone tried to dry their feet off and get rid of the sand that was sticking to them everywhere. Hange is the first of them to be back on their horse, ready to ride. As everyone else is still getting back into uniform, Hange approaches him.
"Levi," they say, their voice stable yet concerned.
"No," he mutters.
"We will talk when we get back. There's something I have to give to you."
"What could you possibly fucking give me?" he says, a little louder than his previous response.
"You'll see." Hange then turns back to the rest of the crew. "Let's move!" they yell.
They're back at the barracks by dusk. Dinner comes and goes, not that Levi was paying too much attention. However, he knew Hange was watching him and waiting on him to take the initiative to talk to them. He avoided looking at them, though.
After cleaning up after his dinner mess, he goes to what used to be their room - now just his room. He closes the door and slumps against it, sliding slowly to the floor. He stares at the table where they used to sit after expeditions to enjoy dinner - laughing, talking, and smiling, when they couldn't earlier in the day. He gets up, wiping off any potential dirt off of himself, and straightens the table. Though never used since, it comforts him setting the table, ready to be used again.
Not that it would. It's been a year.
A knock sounds at the door and he doesn't answer. In comes Hange, with a letter in their hands. They close the door, but continue to stand.
"Levi."
"What do you want?" he avoids making eye contact.
"I know it's been a year..."
"Have you come to lecture me on moving on?" he looks up at them, but not at their eye.
"No." They hold out the letter to him.
"What is this?"
"Take it."
"Why should I?"
"It's from Erwin." That makes him look them in their eye.
He snatches it. He stares at the half-cursive, half-print handwriting with his name in the center. He huffs lightly at seeing his handwriting once more. But anger bubbles within him.
"Why did you hold onto it after all this time?"
"He gave me instructions."
"The hell-"
"Listen," they stress.
He lowers his shoulders and they sigh.
"He said not to give it to you until quite some time had passed. He also wanted you to be more at peace with whatever decision you made at the battle." The weight in their eye grows heavier. "I know you guys don't have regrets - that was never a thing between either of you. I also know you know he's made peace with dying at any moment - as we too have come to peace with that. But that's Erwin for you, always a few steps ahead of everyone."
He looks down at the letter once more, now fiddling with the flap to open the letter.
"Hey," they say, "one last thing."
"What?" he says softly.
"'Think of it as one last goodbye,' he said." They start turning for the door. "I know you guys fought the night before, and I'm sorry," they say quietly.
"Don't be, it's not your fault," he mumbles.
A moment's pause, neither of them moving or saying anything.
"Night," they say, and then leave him alone.
He waits until he no longer hears their footsteps, and then tears into the letter. Hands quivering and sweating, out slides a few pages, in the same half-and-half handwriting that was neat yet sloppy at the same time. He skims over the pages, holding his breath. He was holding his last goodbye. His heartbeat quickens at the thought of what he was about to read. Eyes watering slightly at the memory of their last shared gaze, he collects himself and smiles.
Levi,
By the time you read this letter, that means I've died.
I'm writing to you after our argument, after you stormed out. Excuse my sappiness or indulge with me.
I'm sorry. You're right. I should have stayed behind and entrusted the mission to Hange. But you knew I had to see the basement, and I knew you understood that desire when you said, 'I'll trust your judgement.'
I'm sure that when you read this you'll still be in a lot of pain - not that you'd tell anyone. Relax your shoulders, scream, and let yourself cry. It's going to get harder the longer you hold it in.
These past few years, with you beside me, listening to me ramble, talking with me, accepting me, helping me...bringing you to the surface was the greatest decision in my life. From early morning training to late night reports, with mid-day meetings and tea in between, your constant companionship never made me feel alone.
Thank you, truly.
He pauses, letting himself dwell and get wrapped up in his words. Tears form in his eyes, threatening to water-damage the pages. As he wipes his face on his sleeve, one of the paper floats out of his grip, and on the back of one of the pages is a sketch of him. He flips back it over to find the letter continuing there.
I asked Moblit to sketch me, so then you have something else, other than this letter, left of me.
We never got to say it to each other, but at least now you'll have it in writing:
I love you.
Erwin
Hands shaking, he turns over and rests the papers in his lap.
"I love you too," he whispers, a few tears fleeing from his eyes. "You idiot."
Re-reading some of the lines, his stomach drops and heart breaks, making his eyes well up some more. He made him not feel lonely. How much time did he spend in his head, letting his demons convince him that he was way worse than he actually was? How was he so brilliant and yet so easily deceived by his own mind?
He sighs, taking a shaky, deep breath in and out.
Taking one last drawn out, enamored, and longing look at the sketch, he slowly stands back up and wipes the dust off of the back of his pants. Carefully folding the letter back into its original creases, Levi slides the papers back into the envelope, and walks over to the bookcase. He pulls out an older book, one worn well due to age, and due to Erwin reading and re-reading it, and opens it.
Inside the book is a cut out, big enough to fit small items. A pained smile grows on Levi's face, seeing his bolo tie wrapped up inside the book. He places the letter underneath the tie, using the tie as a way to keep the envelope from falling out, and closes it.
He holds the book tight to his chest for a moment, with his eyes closed, breathing in, breathing out. What felt like an hour might have been a few minutes, but much too soon, Levi opens his eyes again.
"Good night, Erwin," he says, as he puts the book back in its spot.
His hand lingers for a moment, resting on the tattered spine. He pulls his hand back, kisses the tips of his fingers, and touches the book again.
Good night.
FIN