Haymitch and I returned to District 12 from the Capitol three months ago. Every now and again, I check in on him, but I know he's alive by the lights being on constantly and the flock of geese he started raising is still alive in his backyard. The geese serve as a distraction since the next train carrying supplies, and his alcohol, isn't due to arrive for another week.
Greasy Sae has been my lifeline the past three months. Every morning she shows up to make me breakfast, does the dishes and my laundry, and stays until I have ate it all. She returns in the evening to make dinner, and we follow the same routine. I still haven't decided if she's being neighborly, feels bad for me, or if she is being paid. She also takes food to Haymitch, but we both aren't sure that he eats it.
Besides her, her little granddaughter, and occasionally Haymitch, I haven't interacted with the other citizens that have returned to twelve. I normally stay in my own home, write in the diary that I promised Dr. Aurelius I would keep, and stare into my fireplace. I'm lucky if I shower and put on fresh clothes. Even though I don't sleep in my bed often, Greasy Sae still washes the sheets.
I only answer the phone on Thursdays despite its constant ringing. Right after Greasy Sae leaves in the morning, my mother calls. We talk about random things, and the conversation never gets too deep. She's enjoying her time in four with Annie and her son Finn. She tells me I should visit, but we both know that I probably won't. That would require leaving my own home first.
When Greasy Sae leaves after dinner, I answer the phone for my weekly call with Dr. Aurelius. He asks me simple questions since I don't like it when he gets too deep into my head. I promise him that I save those thoughts for my diary that I will burn once it is full. As long as I answer the phone, he refills my medication. That is our deal. If I break it, then he will send a train to take me to the Capitol, and I really don't want that.
Despite the fact the Greasy Sae said there was bow down the hall, I haven't gone hunting. I found the bow she was talking about and the matching arrows. My father's hunting jacket was one of the things I found in there. With it, there was a small golden box. My parents' wedding photo, the spile from the Quarter Quell, the pearl Peeta gave me, and Peeta's locket are all inside.
I quickly returned all of the closets items and ran back to my seat before the fire. I did not want to have new nightmares about what was in that closet and why they were in there.
Dr. Aurelius tells me I am too hard on myself, but how can I not be? If I could redo the past few years, I would. People would not die for me or because of me. I would have died in the first arena. Hell, I would have stepped off the platform early if I knew it would all end like this- me being alone forever, not being able to look at myself for my physical and mental scars, millions of deaths including my own sister, and nightmares that would drive the most sane person crazy.
It is one of those nightmare that wake me. It's early in the morning, but the light is starting to seep through my living room windows. The nightmare was so vivid that I can still feel the dirt I was being buried alive under. I gasp for air but I find none.
I tear the light blanket off of me and sit so I can breathe better, but I still can't. I'm suffocating. Desperate for relief, I run to the front door of my house and out into the open air. It burns as I take it in, but it feels so good. Like drinking water after surviving a marathon in the desert.
If the people of District 12 could see me now, they would be reassured that the rumors are true. I am in fact crazy now. Anyone could see that as I stand hunched over in my pajamas with wild hair on my front porch. But I could careless since the air is my solstice right now.
Once I feel better, I stand and take in my surroundings. It's the middle of spring, and the grass around the Victor's Village is green again. The trees are in full bloom, and the air feels fresh compared to the dust I've been breathing in. I almost feel as if I walked into the pale sun, I would melt, fry, or turn to dust.
It's the sound of a shovel hitting dirt that draws my attention to the side of my house... Well, not the side of my house but to Peeta's house.
There, I see him.
His face is flushed, and his clothes are covered in dirt, but he has stopped his digging and is watching me with concerned- or amused- eyes. I can't tell from where I am standing. I walk to the edge of my covered porch and see a wheelbarrow with about five bushes in them.
"You're back," I say.
"Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let me leave the Capitol until yesterday," he shrugs. He looks well by what I can tell. He's gained back most of the muscle he had lost, and his eyes have lost that clouded, tortured look. Although, he frowns as he takes me in, clearly able to tell that I have lost most of my muscle and hygiene.
The silence between us is deafening, so I ask, "What are you doing?"
"I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her," he says. "I thought we could plant them along the side of the house."
My breath catches as I realize the name of the bushes. They are not plain roses like I initially thought. They are evening primroses, the flower that my sister was names after.
I feel the urge to scream or cry, I'm not sure. I want to yell at Peeta for being insecure, but I know that his gesture is out of kindness, and I suddenly wish I had thought of something to dedicate her after.
I take a step back, and the urge to run inside my house and lock the door forever is growing stronger. I can feel my anxiety grow every second that Peeta spends looking at me, studying me. He's just about to say something when I ask, "Why did you do it?"
Peeta looks confused by my question. "I thought it would be nice. To honor her."
I shake my head and take another step backwards, towards the door. The idea of a quick escape make me bolder, and I am finally able to ask him the question I've been thinking of for months. "No, why did you stop me from taking my nightlock pill that day."
Peeta hesitates for a moment, lost in thought as if he was searching for the answer to his own actions. He looks down at the bush in his hand, and I fear that he might not answer me at all. Then, he looks back at me with eyes so confident that I almost see the old Peeta in him, my Peeta.
He says, "I knew the second your arrow hit Coin that you were going to try to kill yourself. Selfishly, I wanted to tell you that I did it so I wouldn't have to live without you, but we both know that they would have never punished you for doing it. You had your reasons and Coin knew it, Plutarch knew it, even I knew it. You didn't have to kill yourself for making the right decision."
It was the perfect answer. I did have my reasons. Then, it hits me. Peeta doesn't know those reasons. He doesn't know what really happened. The world doesn't know what really happened, and I am just a crazy woman that used to be the symbol of the rebellion. Instead of telling him all of the information he's missing, I ask, "Are you better now?"
"I talked a lot with Dr. Aurelius, and it helped. It's easier to determine what is real or not, but I still have nightmares and hallucinations. I can handle them better now. I also did some therapy with scientists from the Capitol. I think it helped a lot."
"Are you going to try to kill me?" I instantly regret the tone I used to ask him such a bold question and wish that I could take it back. It doesn't matter anyways. I would have to ask it at some point.
His frown deepens at first. Then, the corners of his mouth turn upwards as he replies, "I hope not."
"Me too," I say quietly before beginning to walk back to my door. This conversation has gone on longer than it needed to, and I am going to mess it up further if I stay here any longer.
Before my hand touches the knob, I stop. Looking back towards him, I call out, "Peeta?"
His back was turned again, but he faces me.
"I'm glad you came back," I say with my first genuine smile in months. Then I add, "Having Haymitch as my only neighbor was getting depressing."
Peeta laughs, and my heart flutters at the sound, something I have not felt in a long time. "It's the only place that feels like home." He shrugs before adding, "Your mom told me to tell you to call her."
Confusion spreads across my face. "You saw my mom?"
"Yeah, my train dropped Gale off in two and her and Annie off in four."
I knew that my mother and Annie were in four, but why were they in the Capitol yesterday? She didn't say anything when I talked to her last week. Then, the other person he mention catches my attention. "Gale's in two?"
It's Peeta's turn to look confused. "Yeah, didn't you know?"
I shake my head to tell him no. District 2 is known for masonry. While Gale has some experience as a blacksmith and miner, I highly doubt his skills were decent enough to land him a job there.
"Oh, well he accepted some government job there with Beetee and seemed pretty excited about it," Peeta tells me. I study his body language, but he gives nothing away. If he was surprised that I no longer keep in contact with Gale, he doesn't show it. Maybe Gale told him himself.
"I wouldn't know," I reply with a small shrug. His life is no longer mine to know. We let that go the morning of Snow's- and Coin's- execution. It was confirmed when he didn't put me out of my misery while being dragged away, but I don't blame him for that one. I did the same to him. Finally, I tell Peeta, "I think I'll go call her now. Thanks, Peeta."
"Anytime," he calls out with a polite smile and watches me as I walk into my own home. We both know that I have no intentions of calling her at the moment.