Felix sat by himself on a stone bench near the gazebo outside, an empty bottle of wine hanging empty by his left foot. The Summer night was stifling, and so his coat laid forgotten somewhere on the monastery. He seemed to be lost in thoughts when Byleth walked towards him.
"Can we talk?" She asks, softly and laconic, on her own weird brand of warm, as she places a light hand on his shoulder.
He simply gestured for her to sit beside him.
"Go ahead. You know I am always willing to talk to you." He looked around, searching for a bartender. "Whom must I kill so I can get a drink on this party?"
Byleth chuckled bitterly, as she shows him the bottle of cheap Adrestian wine she brought from the dining hall. She opened the bottle with her teeth, as the cork was protuberant on its finishing, but she had no opener, and even her nimble fingers would have a hard time on the task.
As she manages to open the wine, she pours a cup for herself and offering him the rest of the bottle to drink directly out of it. He took a sip of the cocktail, uncertain of what he would in for. Certainly, he had not much opportunity to have low-shelf wine, even during the meagre years of war.
"I could get used to this." The swordsman smirks.
The former mercenary swirled the purple liquid on her glass and sat back on the bench next to Felix. She eyed him dressed up in a blue ceremonial robe and smiled softly.
"You wear those robes well, Felix." She said, quietly. "Sometimes I forget you are a Duke now."
He scoffed. "Thanks."
"If I am remembering it well…" The woman whispers, half-hoping to elicit a reaction out of him. "You said you would only dress up if there was someone you wanted to impress."
"I guess maybe I found someone worth impressing. If only for tonight." He ran his hands through his long hair. "Goddess, Your Grace, my life would be so much easier if I could have just hated you. You know that I have tried."
Byleth looked down at her glass, swirling the liquid again, if only to stall drinking it and therefore still have an excuse to be here.
They had to talk it out. She might want to run away from that, she might have tried to, but it would be unavoidable someday, and she wants to get it over with now before it gets out of hand.
Not that it was easy, of course. She knew this was a complicated issue. He confessed he had feelings for her on the restless night before their final push to Enbarr. They have not mentioned it ever again, but the memory of that night was vivid in both of their minds.
"What am I doing? I need to go." Felix stood up and walked to the door.
"Felix, wait." Byleth held his hand and he turned to look at her.
Wrapping her arms around his neck, she buried her face on his sculptural bare chest.
He tried to struggle out of her hold on him. "Professor, I should not…"
"Be here?" She cut him off. "I know. You also know I can take care of myself, but that did not stop you from coming to see how I was faring, and it did not stop you from staying. You chose to be here, and I want you to be here."
She looked at him like a magnetic force pulling her to gaze at his deep amber eyes.
Felix cupped her cheek, wishing he could do more than just caress her face, but he cannot. Yet, he did not pull out of her embrace, hoping she would do more than just hugging. Byleth is, despite her cold demeanour, usually been a direct and decided person. If she wants him, she is bold enough to have him for herself, but she did not.
"Professor, I have to go." He pulled away.
She turned her soft green eyes at him, and he feels his knees growing weaker under him. "Why?"
"You do not need me here." The man responded with a finality he did not really felt.
"But I do not want to be alone." She countered, intent in making it as hard as possible for him to disentangle himself from the situation.
"Are you scared? Hurt? I can Mercedes or Annette to be with you tonight, so you are not alone." He took a strand of her hair and tucked behind her ear.
Byleth sighed. "Would you stay if I say I am?"
"Yes." He nodded.
"Then I am scared." She said, defiant.
"No, you're not." Felix shook his head and smiled, despite himself.
"Indeed, but that does not mean I want to be alone. I really need a friend right now." Byleth frowned.
That was exactly what he was afraid of. He just poured his heart to her, but she just needed a friend.
"I can call Dimitri if you want."
"No. It is fine. Do not go bother him with this. I shall manage." She forced a smile.
The combination of the sweet and citric smell of her perfume hanged in the air, clouding his senses. Her satin nightgown delicately marking the features of her body. She could call anyone else to stay with her right now. It was torture.
If he was a little wiser, he would simply call Mercedes and have her brew some calming drought or sleeping potion, he would convince their commander-in-chief that what she really needs is a good night's sleep, and not a heart-to-heart with him, that would inevitably end with his own breaking, perhaps beyond any recognition.
Still, it was rough moment. He could not just leave, not when he does not know whether they would still be alive to see the next sunset. So, he took a deep breath and stepped closer to her.
"It is all well, I am here." He said, kissing her forehead.
They sat on her bed and laid in silence until she fell asleep.
He took a large sip of his drink and looked at her intently. "If this is the last time I am going to be alone with you before you are an engaged woman, I would be a damned fool not to kiss you."
Byleth said nothing. She turned to face him, cupped his jaw and kissed him.
Felix pulled her closer as their tongues danced in slow motion inside their mouths, connecting them in a way they never thought before. His embrace pressed her body against his and she felt a shiver down her spine. Then he pulled out the embrace, his hands placed on her waist loosely.
The kiss was full of love, energy, vigour and lust. However, she felt like something was amiss.
Felix is an amazing man, but he is not…
Just then, he pulled away.
"You just thought about him, did you not?" The swordsman confronts her.
"Huh?" The Archbishop raises a verdant eyebrow.
"You kissed me and I could see you meant it. You wanted it." Felix sighs, despondent. "And then you stopped responding to it. You remembered of him."
"Felix, I…"
"How could I ever thought I would compete with him?" He closed his eyes and shook his head. "I never could before."
She cupped his jaw again so he could face her. "You must not ever say that. You are a wonderful man, Felix. Any woman should feel lucky to be loved by you."
One of his eyebrows shoot up. "Yet, you do not."
"Felix, I do. I love you, very much, but it is not the way you want me to." She responds, her tone wistful.
"Then why did you kiss me?" The man questions.
"I was curious..." She replied.
"What?" He narrowed his eyes as she shrugged, rather nonchalant. "What do you mean 'curious', Your Grace?"
"During dinner, some of the noble ladies that arrived for the peace celebrations were discussing about what they are planning to do now that the war is over and they started to comment about potential eligible suitors for themselves." A small pause. "Your name came up."
"My name?" He stared at her, somewhat baffled.
"Apparently, between your title and your swordsmanship, many women have been drooling over you since before the war. Many of them wish to know how it feels like to be in your arms. It got me curious." She explains.
He sighed, taking a swig of wine. "I see, and how does it feel like?"
Byleth placed her glass on the bench, her finger tracing the borders of the glass as she tried to find the right words to describe it. "It is bittersweet. It was like I could taste desire and guilt. I know I stopped, but you hesitated first. You wanted to kiss me, I could sense that, but your hands… You pulled me closer and then you stopped holding me, as if you did not wish to be too close. You remembered him too and you felt guilty for kissing me. For wanting me."
Felix looked down at his glass and sighed. She was right. He remembered him. He remembered everything Dimitri wished he could do if he was closer to Byleth, if he was not plagued with the terrible memories of their shared past. He remembered his stalking the Professor up and down the monastery, his eyes sparkling whenever he set eyes on her, his intent research about all the things he found out she likes, his nervous paces every time he heard about a new stupid challenge or mission that could get her hurt, even killed, his anger when he heard about Sylvain trying to make a pass at her.
Felix loved Byleth, and he loved her very much. Yet, Dimitri loves her, too. He confessed it. She just did not know about it.
"He is my King. He is one of my best friends. He was my only friend for a long period of my life." He explains, feeling more and more stupid with every word he mutters. "I care about you, Your Grace, I do, but I cannot have you, and I know you do not love me the way you love him."
Byleth took a sip of the drink and smiled ruefully. "If only I just liked him…"
"You mean…" He trailed off.
She smiles again, this time legitimately joyful. "I love him. I like you terribly, but he is everything I have wished for my entire life."
The truth hit Felix like a punch in the face. Although he knew he should not be so close to her because of Dimitri, he felt guilty to be near her because he did not realize she reciprocated his best friend's intentions. She loved him, and there was nothing he could do about it.
"You think you have liked me if he was not around? If he was not interested in you?" He wonders, unsure whether he wants to know the answer. "If it was just me?"
Byleth shook her head. "There is no way of knowing it, Felix."
They stood silent for a moment.
"Though it would have helped case if you were not such a douche when we first met." Byleth spied from the corner of her eye.
He chuckles, very unlike himself. "I did try to give you a hard time, but you are tougher than you look."
"We could have been friends from the beginning." Byleth nudged him.
"If you say so." Felix shrugged, drinking the last of the wine.
"I do not want get between the two of you." She said, suddenly. "Dimitri is your friend. I cannot break childhood friends apart, and, despite your harsh words, I know you love him, too."
"I know, Your Grace." Felix gave her a weak smile.
She was about to say something else when a small group of noble ladies suddenly walked into the gardens, chatting and laughing.
She shook her head towards them. "It looks like the party found us. You would do well to head back inside."
He stood up, but she remained sitting on the bench. "What about you?"
"I will be out here. Until it is time." She smiles. "Until someone comes to find me sitting here."
Byleth stood up, gave a small kiss on his cheek and went back inside. A bitter feeling hit him as she walked away. The desire was gone, as was the longing and the disappointment. All he got left was guilt.