Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate or any of its characters. I do love to write about them though.
Disclaimer: I am not a Doctor or medical health care professional. Although I have tried to research medical terms, they may not be 100 percent accurate.
This story takes place directly after season two's episode "Epiphany."
Chapter 1: Home.
John watched as Teer and her friends ascended. Teer, the woman he had spent so much time with over the last six months was glowing and he knew that this would probably be the last time that he saw her since the ascended weren't allowed to interfere in human affairs. Finally, she floated skywards and faded out of sight and he felt a few tears run down his cheeks.
He wiped his eyes and continued to stare at the place where Teer had just been standing. She had invited him to ascend with her and although for a split second he was tempted, he knew that for the moment his place was on Atlantis, with his friends, fighting the Wraith.
The time they had spent together had been memorable and perhaps he even loved her, but he wasn't prepared to give up everything he'd worked for, to ascend just yet.
An annoying voice startled him out of his musings, "what is it with you and ascended women?!"
John shrugged, "I have no idea what you're talking about McKay."
"Well, the beard is interesting!" Elizabeth said and it was clear to John that she was trying not to laugh.
John rubbed his face and turned to Elizabeth with a smile, he could hardly believe that they were there, after so many months, he'd almost given up hope of ever seeing them again.
"First thing to go when we get home. I never thought I'd see any of you again. Kind of even ... missed you a little."
"Yeah, well, it was only a couple of hours for us, so ..."
"Ronon!" Teyla chastised before turning to look at John, "we were all quite worried about you."
"Of course, we were." Carson agreed.
"We're just sorry we didn't get here sooner," Elizabeth added.
John looked at each of them with tears brimming in his eyes, he really missed them, but he wasn't going to tell them how much. Turning away from his friends he used his hand to wipe the tears away from his eyes.
Once he had regained his composure, he turned to look at Elizabeth, "can I have a few minutes alone please?"
"Are you alright Colonel?" Teyla asked coming up alongside him and taking his hand.
"Yeah, I just need a few moments."
Teyla nodded and smiled at him, "we will start walking back towards the portal and we will meet you there."
He waved at his friends as they turned and headed in the direction they had come, "See you later guys."
Turning around he slowly walked towards the settlement where he had spent the last six months, it hadn't been to worst place to spend his time, he only wished that his friends had had time to miss him.
A minute later he entered the settlement, where half an hour ago they had been enjoying the midday meal together. It was where he had discussed thunderstorms and living a fulfilling life with Hedda and Avrid. Hedda had seemed interested in what he had to say until Avrid had told him that their lives were full, and they had everything that they needed in the sanctuary. That was before the beast came, and he'd fought it for the third time to try and protect these people. They finally realised that the beast was their own fear coming to attack them and then they stood by his side the confront the beast. When they had finally defeated their fears, they'd all ascended. Teer, Avrid, Hedda and all the others that he'd come to rely on over the last six months.
He arrived at his own hut and went in; the place was the same way as he'd left it when he'd gone to breakfast that morning. Looking at the floor, he found himself recalling the conversation that he'd had with Teer the night before. She claimed that she had known that he was coming to save them all of her life and she knew it because she had the ability to see the future. Things had become intense after they had kissed, and she'd ended up spending the night with him.
He looked over at the bed and remembered the first time he'd woken up there after his first confrontation with the beast. Hedda had been there healing him and Teer and Avrid had been there as well. He smiled when he remembered that Teer had admitted to helping him out of his clothes when he was unable to do it himself. The next morning after he had been on a run, Teer had brought him a meal and at his insistence, she had stayed to share it with him.
Leaving his hut, he closed the door wondering if anyone else would ever use it again. Perhaps there weren't too many races interested in ascension these days as most people were too busy fighting the wraith.
Looking at the centre of the village, he saw the pond where he and Hedda used to collect water. He really liked the kid and he wished that he could have taken her to earth and showed her a severe thunderstorm, taken her on a Ferris wheel and even taken her up in a plane. The poor kid never got a chance to do anything exciting, but now she never would, unless she was sent back to earth for breaking the rules. Somehow, he knew that Teer would never let that happen.
His last stop was the hut where he had spent every day trying to meditate or taking his morning and afternoon naps, which is usually what happened. He never was particularly good at meditation as he really didn't like to sit still for long. Every time, he'd tried it with Teyla, she'd had to severely chastise him for not paying attention.
Walking out of the meditation hut, he took one last look around the yard and noticed that Avrid's axe was still stuck in a piece of wood next to the pile he'd been cutting. He had spent many an hour with Avrid over the last six months and they had become as close as any brothers could be.
Whether he wanted to admit it or not these people had been his family over the last six months, and he was never going to see them again. That thought alone brought tears to his eyes. He wasn't even going to think about how much he was going to miss them, now that they'd ascended.
Wiping the tears away from his eyes again he took one last look at the settlement and headed out into the clearing ready to walk back to the portal.
He was surprised when he got there to find that Teyla was waiting for him.
"I thought that you may like some company on your walk back to the portal."
"Thanks, Teyla, that would be great."
Taking her hand in his, he took one last look at the settlement and began to walk back to the portal with Teyla by his side.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Teyla watched her friend as they began the walk back to the portal and she didn't miss the tears in his eyes. How horrible it must have been for him thinking that they had forgotten him. But at least he wasn't alone, and it was obvious these people had become his friends. It was also clear to her that he and Teer were remarkably close, it was possible that he'd been close to Avrid and Hedda as well.
They walked along in silence and every so often she would look at John to make sure that he was alright, she had no idea what was going on in his head right now, but she sensed that he didn't want to talk about it right now.
A thought struck her at that moment, why didn't they just leave the compound somewhere else, perhaps somewhere closer to the jumper. Then she remembered the ridge of mountains surrounding the sanctuary and she realised that it was a good bet that this was the only way in or out, without having to climb over the mountains.
They'd been walking in silence for almost an hour when they approached the cavern where the portal was. She knew that once they left, Teer would make sure that the forcefield would go up again and they would never be able to come here again and at that moment she found herself wondering how John felt about that.
John seemed to hesitate before he entered the cavern and she couldn't quite read the look on his face, perhaps it was one of pain or worry.
"Are you alright John?"
"You know I came here every day, in the beginning, hoping that you guys had come back for me, but as time went on, I resigned myself to my fate that there was a strong possibility that I would be stuck here forever."
Her heart broke at the look on his face, "I am so sorry John, we tried to get here as quickly as we could."
He looked up, smiled at her and she could see the sadness in her eyes, "It's alright Teyla, I understand."
"Shall we go home then?"
"That's the best idea I've heard in a long time," he said with a twinkle in his eye.
As they approached the portal a few minutes later she was surprised when John seemed to hesitate again and this time, she was sure she saw fear in his eyes for a split second.
"Is there a problem John?" She asked trying not to sound impatient."
"Sorry, Teyla, it's just the last time I walked through that portal I felt as if I was being ripped apart and I was in agony for days."
"Teer assured us that it would stay inactive until we have left."
He sighed and for the first time since they'd found him, she realised that he'd changed and probably not for the better, he seemed more defeated somehow as if he'd lost something. She had to wonder why as he'd fought the beast three times and lived, so perhaps the John Sheppard she knew was still in there somewhere, but he just needed to find himself again.
"Yeah, I know, so how about we get out of here." He said using his trademark crooked grin.
She took his hand again and they stepped through the portal together. The moment they were clear there was a crackling sound, followed by a whoosh and she assumed that was the force-field activating again. She stood staring at it wondering whether anyone would ever go there again.
Her thoughts were interrupted a few minutes later when John spoke to her, "you know what Teyla, I reckon you could have taught them a thing or two about meditation."
She stood there with her mouth open and watched him walk off. That had to be the first time that he had ever praised her meditation techniques, she thought that was one thing she did that he actually hated.
Rushing she managed to catch up with him a few minutes later and she took his hand again and they walked back to the jumper in silence.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Carson watched as John entered the jumper with Teyla and he had to wonder how the man was feeling, physically he looked fine, in fact, he looked better than fine, but there was a sadness in his eyes that he hadn't seen in a long time. Probably the last time he'd seen it was after he'd had to shoot Sumner, not long after they had first arrived in the Pegasus Galaxy.
He watched as his friend slowly sat down in the back of the Jumper, which had him worried because normally he would have insisted on piloting the jumper himself.
"Hey Sheppard, do you want to fly this thing?" Rodney asked from the co-pilot's seat.
Nah it's alright, I'm tired, you can do it, Rodney?"
"Are you alright John," Elizabeth asked, and Carson didn't miss the concern in her eyes?
"Yeah, I'm just tired, so can everyone please leave me alone and when we get back to Atlantis I want to go straight to my quarters and go to sleep."
"I don't think so Lad, you've been trapped in that time-dilation field for six months, so I want you down in the infirmary for a post-mission check-up, if I am satisfied with the results you may go to your quarters and rest up," Carson told him firmly and he was totally expecting an argument.
"Whatever you say doc." John agreed, and Carson was concerned by the apathy in his demeanour.
"Perhaps I'll let you go to your quarters and change first; surly those clothes aren't that comfortable."
"No, they're fine, I'll come to the infirmary as soon as we get home and I'll even stay overnight if you need me to."
That comment certainly took him by surprise, maybe he would have to get him to speak to Dr Heightener, but he decided that he would see how things played out over the next couple of days.
"I don't think it will be necessary to stay overnight Laddie and I would expect that you would like to spend some quality time in your own quarters."
"Whatever Doc!" He said in a harsh tone, before turning to stare out of the window.
Carson sighed and he knew that he needed to find out what was bothering John before he could help him acclimate to life back on Atlantis.
He went back to staring out the window himself and when they approached the gate a few minutes later, he could have sworn a collective sigh was let out from everyone in the jumper.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Elizabeth left the jumper and followed Carson towards the infirmary, she really needed to have a word with him about John. The way that he had acted in the jumper was nothing like the John that she knew, and she knew that they needed to get to the bottom of his behaviour for everyone's sake.
Carson seemed in a hurry to get to the infirmary, and she had to wonder why? Looking around at her surroundings it didn't take her long to realise that John was nowhere in sight.
Carson!" She shouted hoping to get the doctor's attention.
"What!" He shot back, much to her horror. He rubbed his face with his hands, before calming down a little, "I'm sorry Luv it's been a difficult day."
She began to tell him her concerns, while they walked to the infirmary together, "Carson I'm worried about John, I wonder if he's going to have abandonment issues. It's possible that he thought we'd forgotten about him. Perhaps he shouldn't be left alone right now."
"I suppose I can keep an eye on him in the infirmary overnight, but if he's not sick or injured I can't keep him here indefinitely."
Elizabeth looked around and realised that they had finally reached the infirmary, but John was still nowhere in sight. "Where is John?"
"I have no idea, he was still in the jumper when I left, I guess he'll get here when he's ready," Carson replied. "Look Elizabeth I'm worried about him too, but all we can do is see how things play out over the next couple of days. Once he knows that we are all here for him, he'll be back to his normal charming self."
"I hope you're right Carson because the last thing I want to do is force him to see Kate."
She heard someone clearing their throat behind her and when she turned around she was surprised to see Ronon standing there with John.
"Hey guys, I found Sheppard trying to skip his check-up and head straight to his quarters," Ronon told them with a smirk on his face.
Carson gave John a look that actually scared Elizabeth, she had seen it on one or two occasions, when she'd tried to escape the doctor as well.
"Colonel Sheppard, you know you were supposed to come here before you went to your quarters."
"Sorry Doc, but I just wanted to see my quarters again before I came here. Don't forget that it's been six months for me."
Elizabeth's heart almost broke when she saw the look that John gave Carson. She kept forgetting that it had been six months for him, and it was obvious that everyone else did as well.
Carson sighed and patted John on the shoulder, "alright lad, why don't you head to your quarters and I'll check you out in the morning."
"Thanks, Doc," John said with a tired smile.
"How about I walk you to your quarters Sheppard," Ronon offered.
"Thanks, buddy," John said waving at Carson and leaving the infirmary with him.
Once John and Ronon had gone, Elizabeth turned to Carson and although John had Ronon with him right now she still felt incredibly worried about him.
"Carson I'm still worried about him."
"I know lass, but Ronon's with him right now, so he'll be well looked after."
"I guess you're right Carson. I still have some work to do, so I will see you later."
She left the infirmary and headed to her office, it had been a long day and she still had a lot of paperwork to do before she went to bed, but she knew that she wouldn't sleep that well anyway since she was worried about John.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO
John was relieved when he finally reached his quarters. When he'd woken up this morning he was in the sanctuary, now it was nighttime, and he was back on Atlantis and he didn't really know how to feel about it. Ronon had kindly walked him to his quarters, and they had walked in silence. He had no idea what to say to the people who had abandoned him for six months and although he understood that it had only been a few hours for them, he still felt as if they had deserted them.
Perhaps he had his father and brother to blame for that because his father had disowned him right before he'd gone to Antarctica. Patrick Sheppard couldn't stand to have a son who was faced with a court-martial for going against the orders of a superior officer, even if it was doing what he knew was right. John Sheppard never left a man behind, even if it meant disobeying orders from his superiors, but Patrick Sheppard just couldn't understand that.
He looked over at his friend who had delivered him to his door, "you can go now Chewie, I'm just going to go to bed anyway."
"Are you sure Sheppard, I know it's only been a couple of hours for us, but you were alone for six months?"
"Yep, I'm sure."
"Do you want to go for a run in the morning or something?"
"No thanks Chewie, I think I need some time to think things through, so for now I'd like to be alone."
"Alright, then Sheppard, goodnight."
"Goodnight Buddy."
John watched as his friend left and then he entered his quarters. Everything was the same as it had been six months ago and there wasn't even a layer of dust on things.
Heading to the bathroom, he decided that it would be a good idea to take a shower and put on some fresh clothes. He was kind of sick of the clothes he'd been wearing in the sanctuary.
The first thing he saw when he entered the bathroom was his reflection in the mirror and he wasn't sure that he liked what he saw. He looked older somehow and his face looked thinner. Then there was the beard, and he didn't know whether he liked it or not, perhaps he would think about it for a few days before shaving it off.
He stripped off his clothes and stepped into the shower, before thinking on and turning the hot water up. He felt as if he needed to wash away the last six months in the sanctuary.
After his shower, he found a pair of sweatpants and one of his black t-shirts and climbed into bed and he was surprised at how uncomfortable it was. The mattresses in the sanctuary were made out of some kind of straw, but he had no idea what they were made of on Atlantis.
Closing his eyes, he decided that it was probably time to go to sleep and he certainly hoped that he would see things with a new perspective in the morning.
The sky was dark and there was a thunderstorm brewing in the distance, he could see the lightning and hear the thunder. The storm would probably hit his position within five minutes. He had no idea where he was or what he was doing there, or why. Looking around at his surroundings he soon realised that he was in the clearing just outside the settlement in the sanctuary.
There were never thunderstorms in the sanctuary, so what the hell was going on? A flash of lightning lit up the sky and a clap of thunder roared through the night. He saw a young child in the distance, and it looked a lot like Hedda; what the hell was she doing out in the night in the middle of a storm?
"Hedda!" He screamed trying to attract her attention.
The child turned and run towards him, screaming at the top of her voice, "John please help me!?"
John took off at a run, wanting to save the child at all costs and before he had a chance to reach her, he heard a roar, looking around he saw nothing. Hedda kept on screaming and he kept running towards her.
Suddenly he felt himself being picked up and thrown through the air, before landing with a thud on the hard ground. Hedda was still screaming in the distance so he forced himself to his feet and kept on running towards her. The only problem was that he didn't seem to be getting any closer.
It started to rain, and the ground became slippery and still, he kept on running, before he'd gone five more steps, he felt himself flying through the air again and he had no idea why. This time when he landed, he found himself in the centre of the village and it was daylight and the rain had stopped. Hedda was there along with Avrid and Teer.
"What am I doing here?" He asked the three people in front of him.
"You cannot stay here John; the people of Atlantis need you." Avrid pleaded with him.
"John you can still ascend with us if you want to, but you must defeat the demons in your mind first," Teer told him in a gentle voice.
"I will always miss you, John," Hedda told him, "but you must do what is right for you."
He watched as the three of them began to float towards the sky and it wasn't long before they faded out of view.
He awoke with a start and was surprised to find that he was lying on the floor and he felt something sticky and warm running down his face. I must have fallen out of bed, he thought standing to his feet and heading to the bathroom. He thought on and the lights came on, he looked in the mirror and was surprised to see that there was blood streaming down his face from a small cut on his head.
The dream had felt so real and he wondered whether Teer, Avrid and Hedda had really visited him, but then he thought, don't be so stupid, I told them I didn't want to ascend so why would they come back and talk to me in my dreams? It was just a nightmare and nothing else.
Still feeling a little shaky after his dream, he decided that he didn't want to be alone, so he wiped his head with a damp cloth and decided to go and visit Teyla.
The last thing he needed was Carson fussing over him because of a tiny cut. Ronon would just grunt at him and ask him to come down to the gym, Rodney was probably in his lab and would want him to test some ancient devices. Teyla was probably the only one who would try to understand what he was thinking and feeling, and at the moment he didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
He had no idea what time it was, but one thing he knew for sure was that there was no way he was going back to sleep tonight.
TBC…
Oh dear, John has hit his head again.
I hope you enjoyed it, please don't forget to review.