Kim stared at the closed door in front of her, dreading knocking. The last time she'd appeared at Adam's door he'd been angry with her, and he'd laid everything out. It'd been seven weeks of barely talking in work, seven weeks of the only texts between them being between him and Makayla, seven weeks of not even having his hand on her shoulder while they discussed cases.
The one thing she'd realised in all of this was her feelings for Adam had never gone away. She tried, god she tried. She tried with Roman - and that was a mistake, she tried with Blair, she tried hiding them when he was dating Hailey. But then that night they made their baby was the night she knew she was completely in love with him. And he'd been there through everything. Through the miscarriage, through her misplaced anger and rage, through her attempts to get him to leave because how could he still have feelings for her after what she'd done to them?
But four stupid words out of her mouth ruined it for her. Four words, said because she was terrified that Internal Affairs would put his head on a platter and kick him out to make a statement about his dad. Four words because she needed to know what happened so she could protect him if there was any doubt. But her "What did you do" were the four words she almost regretted most in the world. "I'm letting you off" was the one that just squeezed past, but she'd hated that phrase for so long that she thought it was losing its potency.
She had to do it. Had to talk to Adam. Had to tell him that she was sorry, that this case had made her realise that she needed him in her life and she'd take whatever she could get from him. But maybe not like that. She took a deep breath and knocked twice, waiting for a response.
"Kev, I'm not going out tonight," Adam called through the door.
"Wrong K person, Adam. Let me in, please?" She stood there for nearly a minute, listening intently to the noises from behind the thin plywood door. The love of her life opened it, his hair floppy in front of his face as he blinked, realising she was there.
"Burgess...what's up? Is Makayla ok?" She saw the worry on his face, and smiled.
"She's fine. Kev's with her while I'm here, I just came over to talk." He raised an eyebrow, looking at her intently.
"I fucked up. That's the simplest way to say it. I shouldn't have said that crap to you. I should have asked you if you were ok when I walked into that yard. But I was so scared for you. Not scared of you, but for you. Because I know what IA have done before, how you nearly didn't keep your job. And all I could think was if you lost it, I wouldn't be able to see you again. Because I know what it's like when you spend forty, fifty, sixty hours a week together then stop. You claim you'll see each other but you don't. And it sucks." She took a breath, watching as Adam stared at her.
"They're the four of the eight words I regret saying to you the most. And I've no right to ask you to forgive me, so I won't ask that. But I want to be able to work with you on a daily basis. I want to be able to see you every day. Because if I can't see you outside of work I need to see you there. I trust you. I trust you with my life and I trust you with my daughters life. And I wanted to let you know that I'm putting you down as the person who'll get Makayla if anything happens to me. Nothing should happen to me, but she trusts you. I'll see you tomorrow, Adam."
She turned and walked away, determined to put one foot in front of the other until she was outside and out of his sight. Her emotions had to stay hidden until she was home and Makayla was in bed. Her daughter - and that felt so good to say, it was so close to being true - was fantastic at telling emotions, and Kim knew she had to hide the torment and pain she felt about Adam.
They both waved goodbye to Kev as he left, and Kim got Makayla settled into bed, the platypus stuffed animal Adam bought her at Lincoln Park Zoo nestled tightly in her arm.
"Can we see Adam this weekend? I miss him," The young girl asked, and Kim felt her chest tighten.
"I miss him too, sweets. We can ask him tomorrow?" She kissed Makayla's forehead before switching off the main light, a nightlight with butterflies illuminating the space.
Kim sat on the couch with a bottle of beer, staring into space. Everything about this apartment reminded her of Adam. The stout stain on her rug, the couch where they'd made out and done more on occasion, the bottles of that weird chocolate cherry stout he enjoyed still sitting in her fridge. For close to a decade she'd had him be a near constant in her life, and the distance between them still hurt. The hurt had faded slightly, but all it took was seeing him again for it to reopen the wound she was attempting to seal. She was an idiot. If she hadn't been such a fool they'd still be together and in love and she'd have the love of her life beside her.
A knock on the door startled her, the almost full beer bottle jumping out of her hands and landing on the coffee table. She righted it and went to the door, checking the spyglass to see who was there. It was Adam.
He hadn't changed his clothes from when they'd spoken barely two hours before, and as she looked out at him she could see the fatigue lines on his face. He knocked again, this time calling out.
"Kim, open the door. Please?" It was the please that narrowed her resolve, picking up her keys from the bowl beside the door and opening it, gently closing it behind her so Makayla didn't wake from whatever they were going to say.
"Hey." It felt trite to even say, but she needed to break the tension between them.
"What did you mean when you were talking about Makayla before?" He was being straight to the point, and she appreciated it, swallowing before speaking.
"I'm adopting Makayla, and as part of it I need to choose who she'll live with if something happens to me. I'm naming you as custodian in the adoption filing." She watched his face change, emotions she almost knew better than her own scattering over it. She could see the surprise, the fear, the joy and the pride all flag across him before he nodded.
"The questions you've had about me? Things haven't been too good between us? Are you sure this is the right thing to do?" The main emotion Kim could see was Adam's self doubt, and she hated that she'd made him feel that way. That she'd made him doubt himself.
"That doesn't matter." His head shot up at her words, staring into her eyes. "Because I know who you are. And I know that if I'm not around, you are the best person to look after her. I don't want my daughter going into the system. Not after everything that's happened. I know you'll keep her safe. The same way you've always kept me safe." As soon as the words left her mouth Adam laughed, the sound false and hollow in the empty hallway.
"Kim, if I kept you safe our lives would be very different now. But I'll do it. I'll do it for that little girl I've started to love, and I'll do it for you." Adam stopped leaning against the wall, stretching out and preparing to leave. Before she could say anything about his first sentence she grabbed his arm.
"Come inside. I've got that chocolate cherry beer you like, and we can talk about this rather than in my hallway where anyone can hear. I need to make sure you're ok with it."
He sat at her kitchen table, the bottle in his hand. Kim watched his fingers trace patterns into the condensation, trying to keep the smile off her face. He was in her kitchen. She didn't think he'd ever do it again.
"I picked you because you're the person Makayla trusts most after me. You're the man she asks for when she has a nightmare. I don't trust many people, but I trust you completely." They sat in contemplative silence until Adam took a swallow from his bottle.
"I'll do it." Kim's head shot up to look at him. "I've no intention of needing to take her in, but put me down. Because I'll do everything I can to get you home safe at the end of the night."
Kim nodded, the atmosphere around them turning electric. She took a sip from her own beer, refusing to look at Adam's face. As much as she wanted to kiss him, wanted to straddle his lap and feel him, she knew it was the wrong moment. But the tension was broken by a cry from Makayla's room.
Kim immediately ran to the doorway, stopping and watching. Once it was clear Makayla was having a nightmare she went in, holding her daughter as she cried, Adam watching from the doorway.
"Shhh, it's ok sweetheart. Let it out. Wanna tell me about it?" Kim's arms were wrapped around Makayla and Perry the Platypus, holding her as her whimpers died down.
"You and Adam didn't find me and I was scared and I couldn't find you! I was looking but I couldn't find you!" Her ramblings set off another round of tears, and Kim just rocked her slowly as they happened. Makayla's head was tucked into her shoulder, and Kim looked across at Adam's crestfallen expression.
"Do you want an Adam hug?" Kim murmured, watching as Makayla looked up at her.
"But it's bedtime? He's at home?"
"I came over to talk to Kim, lil Darlin'. C'mere and I'll give you a hug and stay until you fall asleep." He easily lifted Makayla from Kim's lap, settling the girl on his hip and extending a hand out to help Kim up. Makayla was like a koala around him, wrapped around him like he was about to leave. But Adam held onto her, rocking her gently just like Kim had.
Kim stood in the doorway, watching the two halves of her heart consoling each other. It may not be exactly how she imagined it, but she was getting her family. She and Adam would be ok, that was a fact the same way the sun would rise the next morning. They'd get through this. They had no other options.