Book One
Matthias: I'm Matthias, a humble mouse that lives here in the peaceful walls of Redwall Abbey. Oh hello, tapestry of our founder Martin the Warrior, I wish I could be just like you someday and fight off evil vermin and save the world.
Abbot Mortimer: Matthias, stop talking to the tapestry of our revered guardian and spiritual guide, we don't want people saying things.
Matthias: Hello Father Abbot, do you think I'll be like Martin someday?
Abbot: Ha, good one, but given your heavily implied tragic backstory that's only ever elaborated on in the cartoon from 20 years ago, there's no way an orphan like you could rise up against evil and adversity to defend the residents of Mossflower. No, you're going to enjoy your life as a boring monk, speaking of which, go catch us a fish with Brother Alf for the name day feast.
Matthias: Okay!
~That evening~
All: FEAST!
Abbot: I'm not going to ask how you two managed to catch a greyling four times your size. Matthias, Constance, please escort the supporting characters home to Saint Ninian's.
~That night~
Cornflower: I'm Cornflower fieldmouse and I like you, Matthias.
Matthias: [voice cracks] I like you too but I'm stereotypically awkward about it.
Constance: I'm Constance badger, the abbey mother, and being the largest beast in Mossflower somehow makes me a literal beast of burden. Can't we find another larger creature to pull a cart?
[A horse drawn cart full of vermin speeds past]
Constance: … Yeah, something like that.
Cluny: Ha ha ha I'm evil and that's my entire character! Minion, prove your worth to me by making this horse go faster! [he flings another rat onto the horse. The cart immediately swerves wildly as the horse panics]
All: A-!
[The cart crashes and explodes. The horse flees]
Cluny: Cursed equine! I'll make sure your kind is never mentioned in this entire series ever again! Where the hell are we?! I thought I saw a castle or something back there, let's conquer it!
~Even later, at Redwall~
Matthias: -and there was this big rat at the front with a blade at the end of its tail and I know that because I have canonically good nocturnal vision. Also he looks familiar but I'm not sure if we're going by the book or the show.
Brother Methuselah: Why, that's just vague enough to be Cluny the Scourge!
All: *Gasp!*
Abbot: Now calm down I'm sure it can't be the actual Cluny-
Cluny: [pounding on the gates] HEY OPEN UP I'M CLUNY THE SCOURGE AND I'M HERE TO CONQUER YOUR CASTLE! NOW LET ME IN SO WE CAN DISCUSS THE TERMS OF YOUR SURRENDER!
[The Redwallers appear on the ramparts]
Abbot: First: it's an Abbey. Second: against our better judgement considering you definitely mean to kill us, I will allow you to come inside so we can discuss this civilly.
~Inside Cavern Hole~
Redtooth: [reads from a parchment] Here are our terms: You will surrender and work as slaves-
Matthias: [tears the parchment with his staff] The hell we will! Now, get out!
Cluny: Wow, rude! Forget this I'll just kill all of you-
Constance: [lifts the freaking heavy dinner table] GET OUT OR YOU'RE BOTH GOING THROUGH THIS TABLE COURTESY OF A BADGER BOMB™!
Cluny: Holy shit okay we're leaving, wait what's that right there? [stopping in front of the tapestry]
Matthias: That's our founder, Martin the Warrior. Why do you ask?
Cluny: No reason. [Leaves]
~The next day at Saint Ninian's~
Cluny: I need that tapestry of their hero to make all the woodlanders sad and that will allow me to destroy them and take over their abbey! Where's that one edgy rat that's good at sneaking?
Shadow: [appears behind him] Hi.
Cluny: [jumps, startled] GAH! What the hell?! Stop sneaking up on me like that!
Shadow: My humblest apologies, master Cluny, what would you have Shadow, the rat of the night, the master of the dark, the whisper on the wind, the messenger-
Cluny: Oh hellgates shut up! Go steal that tapestry and don't come back until you do!
~That night~
[Matthias lays in bed, asleep. A semi-transparent Martin appears above him]
Martin: I'm the spirit of Martin the Warrior. Hey Matthias wake up and save the tapestry someone is trying to take it, you must save the tapestry because my soul is in it or whatever. Come on, wake up already! [He somehow flips Matthias off the bed and disappears]
Matthias: Aah! What was that all about? I better listen to my unconscious hallucination and check on the tapestry of Martin for some reason!
~Meanwhile in Great Hall~
Shadow: I, Shadow, the Rat of the Night, have successfully infiltrated the abbey and found this picture of the mouse Cluny was talking about, now to carefully sneak out and make my escape-
Matthias: Hello, tapestry of Martin the Warrior, I was just checking up on you because I had a dream and- HEY THAT EDGY LOOKING RAT IS STEALING THE TAPESTRY!
Shadow: You cannot catch Shadow, the Master of the Dark! Mwahahaha! [He knocks Matthias over and escapes to the wall with the tapestry. Constance blocks him.]
Constance: You're not going anywhere!
Shadow: What are you gonna do, punch Shadow, the messenger of de-
[He is punched.] AAAaaaaa...! [He flies over the wall and hits the ground with an explosion.] Ow… please help me master Cluny!
Cluny: Lol no. Yoink! [He takes the tapestry and flees]
~The next morning~
Matthias: Blast, I couldn't stop Cluny from taking the tapestry, now all the Redwallers are sad! I should go to Saint Ninian's and retrieve it by myself!
~Shortly at St. Ninian's~
Matthias: Double blast, Cluny's gone to attack Redwall and took the tapestry with him, wait who are you?
Basil: I'm Basil Stag Hare and my entire character is a World War I brigadier, wot! Here, rescue this bally family of bankvoles instead!
Matthias: What's a stag?
[Colin Bankvole cries and lets out a demonic screech of terror]
Book Two
Cluny: HEY LOOK AT ME I HAVE THE TAPESTRY OF YOUR HERO SEE HOW MENACING AND FEARSOME I AM-!
[He's interrupted by a rain of arrows from the wall]
Cluny: What the hell?! You're supposed to cower before me and surrender! Forget this! You group of expendable minion characters, follow me!
~Soon~
Cluny: Hahaha! Soon I shall infiltrate the abbey using this rickety plank as a bridge from the top of this very high tree, I'm so clever, my genius knows no bounds-!
[Constance appears on the wall next to the plank and they stare at each other for a beat]
Constance: -SPARTA! [she sparta-kicks the plank and the vermin fall]
Cluny: [*That one Goofy yell. You know the one*]
[The vermin hit the ground with an explosion]
Constance: We've repelled the attack and Cluny is injured and retreating!
All: Huzzah!
Matthias: Hey guys I'm back with friends and also this baby squirrel!
Jess Squirrel: You found my son Sam, I am eternally grateful!
Matthias: Great, because we might need to exploit your natural talents at a later time.
Jess: What?
Matthias: What?
Methuselah: I found a riddle behind the tapestry that can lead us to the Sword of Martin the Warrior!
Matthias: Neat! Dibs, by the way. Let's explore the Abbey, there's got to be a secret door somewh- oops! [He falls through a hole in the stone stairs with a crash]
Methuselah: Good job Matthias!
~Meanwhile at St. Ninian's~
Cluny: Ow my everything, including my pride, wait where is everyone?
Martin: BOO!
Cluny: [*Homer Simpson shriek*]
[Cluny comes to, where Sela is dancing around him]
Sela: Yew goh gweh gui fi nee zhao~
Cluny: Who the hell are you?
Sela: Why, I am Sela, the mystic healer who is definitely not also not trying to not spy on you for my own personal gain, also this is my son Chickenhound. Say, you wouldn't have any information about your next attack on Redwall do ya?
Cluny: …..Maybe?
~Under the Abbey~
Matthias: Look brother Methuselah, it's the spooky scary tomb of Martin but the sword is missing!
Methuselah: Sucks! Oh well, let's take his shield anyway.
Matthias: Dibs! Now what?
Methuselah: More riddles!
~And more riddles were had~
Methuselah: The sword is up on top of the Abbey!
Matthias: But how could we possibly reach such a height? If only there were some beast who is really really good at climbing...
Jess: [Is reading the script and looks up at them] Hm? Oh right, tally ho!
~Minutes Later~
Methuselah: Oh no, Jess has reached the top but she's being attacked by sparrows!
Matthias: Let's shoot arrows at them, that will scare them off and definitely not hurt them -oops.
Warbeak: [Falls] ...eeeEEE- [crashes into the ground] F[_] little [_] worm! :v
Constance: [places a basket on Warbeak] Wow, rude, go to the time-out corner!
~Meanwhile at St. Ninian's~
Cluny: Oh dear me I'm so exhausted, I'll just casually hide these valuable siege plans over here where no one could try to steal them and give to the enemy for their own personal gain. Now time for a relaxing nap!
Sela and Chickenhound: Time to steal these plans and give them to Redwall for our own personal gain!
Cluny: Aha! I knew you were spies! I was actually going to do something else! But since I'm in a merciful mood, I shall merely cast you out of my army for your treachery!
Chickenhound: Thank you master Cluny, we promise not to tell the Redwallers you're actually planning to tunnel under the Abbey walls!
Cluny: ….
Sela: …. Goddammit.
Cluny: Nevermind, just kill them both.
~Back at Redwall~
Matthias: Great, now the sword is missing, how are we supposed to find it?
Warbeak: Stupid [_] dumb [_] [_] worm [_]! Sparra king chop idiot [_] mouse worms with [_] stabby sword! v:
Methuselah: ...Well that was convenient.
~The next day~
Matthias: Okay Warbeak, I'm gonna take you back to your tribe that lives in the abbey attics, and in return, you tell your king to give me the sword.
Warbeak: Whatever … :/
~After a long climb~
Matthias: We made it!
King Bull Sparra: You my prisoner now!
Matthias: -oh.
~Meanwhile~
Abbot: Look it's Sela's kid but he's badly injured!
Chickenhound: I'm grateful for your hospitality and will definitely not not steal from you when you least expect it!
Basil: Say, I haven't done anything daring yet, what say we steal back the tapestry?
Jess: I'm game!
~Later~
Cluny: Ah, I've all but fully recovered and have a foolproof plan to conquer the abbey and also still have the tapestry, nothing could bring my mood down!
Jess and Basil: [Steal the tapestry in plain sight] Yoink!
Cluny: MOTHERF-!
~Even later at the Abbey~
Basil: I say, what a successful heist, I believe this tapestry is yours, my good mouse!
Methuselah: I was actually going to wait for Matthias to break out of the Sparra hideout, but repairing the tapestry is definitely more important.
~Up on the roof~
Warbeak: We best friends now! Also King Bull Sparra is meanie-jerk. v:
Matthias: Cool, but King Bull Sparra lost the sword when he tried to fight an adder, help me break out of here!
~And Matthias broke out~
Matthias: Definitely didn't think my escape plan through, how am I going to get down from here?
[King Bull Sparra collides with Matthias and they both are thrown off the roof]
Matthias: AAAAAAAAAA
~Down at the Abbey~
Chickenhound: Lol time to steal all the things!
Methuselah: Hey stop stealing all the things!
Chickenhound: NO! [He hits Methuselah with his loot sack, Methuselah falls dead] …. Oh shit. Running!
Abbot: We've lost dear Brother Methuselah, and also maybe Matthias.
Constance: We found Matthias and he's still alive!
Matthias: Thanks, plot armor!
All: Hooray!
~Deep in Mossflower~
Chickenhound: Wow, that escalated quickly. But at least I have all the things, isn't that right, giant poisonous adder oh shit-
Asmodeus Poisonteeth: SSSsssssup?
Chickenhound: A-!
~The next day~
Wild Ivy: [Arrives with the circus] Hello, we're here for the filler arc and unnecessary love triangle.
Cornflower: No you're not.
Wild Ivy: Correct! [Leaves]
Matthias: Oh no, dear Brother Methuselah was tragically killed, now I'm sad, nothing could bring my mood up.
Basil: Stop being sad this instant!
Matthias: Yes sir!
Basil: So you're going to find the sword of Martin, but it's in the den of Asmodeus? Then you must go talk to Captain Snow and he'll tell you where the adder is, here take this badge to protect you because he's very grumpy and might eat you on sight. Want me to come with for protection?
Matthias: No thanks, bye!
Book Three
~Later, deep in Mossflower~
Matthias: Dear me, navigating the forest is hard, where am I?
Guosim: DEMOCRACY!
Log-a-log: Halt, you are trespassing on Guosim territory! This is in violation of the Guosim Law, Article 6, Section 2, Sub-section 3, Paragraph 5!
Matthias: No I'm not because of this convenient unwritten rule of Redwall.
Log-a-log: Blast, we can't argue against that.
Guosim Shrew: But we can still argue amongst ourselves!
[The shrews descend into an argument and fight each other] Rabble rabble rabble!
Matthias: Oh great it's the House of Commons incarnate. Can someone please tell me where Captain Snow is?
[The Guosim shrews abruptly stop fighting and point in a direction] That way! [They resume fighting]
Matthias: Thanks!
~Later~
Matthias: What an enormous barn house! Could it have been built by humans?
~NO.~
Julian Gingivere: Hello I'm a cat but I conveniently don't eat mice. Don't expect my breed to show up anywhere else in the series. Captain Snow and I hate each other but he lives in that tree over there, good luck trying to talk to him.
~Even later~
Captain Snow: Hahaha you can't fight Asmodeus!
Matthias: Bet.
Snow: Done. [He takes the badge]
Matthias: But if I do kill Asmodeus you must give that back and promise to stop doing owl things.
Snow: Deal.
~Back at Redwall~
Cornflower: Has anyone seen Matthias?
Basil: [uneasy] Uhhh….
Constance: No time for that, Cluny's back!
Cluny: Okay let's try this again! You lot ram the front gate! You lot start tunnelling! And you, go stand in my tent and put on my armor!
[Cheesethief does so and is immediately struck by a crossbow bolt]
Cluny: Ha ha-haah hah, idiot!
~At night~
Cluny: What the Redwallers don't know is that my horde will secretly take this siege tower under the cover of darkness and infiltrate the back wall!
~Meanwhile~
Cornflower: Hello Brother Alf, I've brought steaming hot soup for you and the sentries up here on the wall. Allow me to carefully pour you a cup while balancing this lantern- Oops! [She throws the lantern onto the hidden siege tower, which explodes and collapses]
Brother Alf: Good job, Cornflower!
Cluny: Dammit! Oh well at least we still have the battering ram and tunnel.
Vermin: Th' ram di'n't work-
Cluny: [inhales]
Vermin: - also they collapsed th' tunnel.
Cluny: ARE YOU SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW?!
~Back in Mossflower~
Log-a-Log: We apologize profusely for our prior behavior, mind if we come along to help kill Asmodeus?
Matthias: You mean despite all your arguing and stalling, you actually want to get things done? I retract my previous political insult and welcome your help! Let's find the den of Asmodeus!
~They did~
Log-a-Log: Oh no, one of the Guosim shrews fell into the den!
Matthias: Time for a rescue!
~Deep in the den~
Matthias: Sure is dark in here, how am I going to find the sword? Oh neat, there it is, just behind the sleeping Asmodeus- oh. No worries, just gotta sneak carefully by and take the sword-
Log-a-Log: HEY MATTHIAS I FOUND THE OTHER SHREW BUT SHE'S DEAD I THINK I'LL JUST GO PANIC NOW.
Matthias: Oh for the love of-
Asmodeus: [Wakes up] Who dissssturbsss my sssslumber?
Matthias: Uh… Yoink! [He flees with the sword]
[Insert Benny Hill chase scene, complete with Yakkety Sax]
Matthias: Oh no, a dead end!
Asmodeus: Hello, ssssnacc. Look into my eyessss and jusssst relax….
Matthias: [Hypnotized] Ooohhh wow this is getting weird…
Martin: Hey Matthias, what the hell are you doing, snap out of it! I didn't choose you just to fall asleep on the job, you gotta be the protagonist and save Redwall already, so WAKE UP. [He Gibb slaps Matthias on the back of his head]
Matthias: -Gah! [He immediately pokes Asmodeus with the sword. Asmodeus dies instantly] Oh wow I guess I'm truly a warrior now.
~Back at Captain Snow's~
Matthias: I have killed Asmodeus and brought back the Sword, now you must uphold your end of the bargain!
Captain Snow: Roll for Charisma.
Matthias: Twenty!
Snow: [Scoffs] Fine, here's your badge and I'll stop doing owl things, I guess.
Guosim Shrews: Hooray!
Matthias: Critical roll bonus! You must also make amends with Squire Julian!
Julian and Snow: Seriously?! Fine, we're friends again, we guess.
~At Redwall~
Cluny: Alright, Cluny, don't panic, all of your plans have failed-
Martin: Yeah, you suck, you should just give up already, also I'm still haunting you.
Cluny: And that damn ghost mouse won't leave me alone! [Turns to Killconey] What the hell do you want?!
Killconey: Just thought you'd like to know we still got that Dormouse family-
Cluny: Oh shoot, that's right! You there, infiltrate the Abbey and let us in or I'll murder your family! [He flings the dormouse over the wall]
~That night~
Dormouse: There, I let you in, now please let my family go!
Cluny: Lol no. [He knocks him out and enters the Abbey]
~The next morning in Mossflower~
Matthias: Wow, what an adventure I've had! I finally have Martin's sword, and I made a lot of friends! But I think I'm forgetting something…
Warbeak: -eeeeEEEEE! [She crashes next to Matthias but instantly recovers after a beat] Matthias mouse worm come quick! Evil [_] rat [_] worm take Abbeyplace and gonna killeet all!
Matthias: Blast, that's right, the main antagonist!
~Back at Redwall~
Cluny: Wow, that was actually pretty easy, why didn't we use a hostage to lead off- I mean- MWAHAHAHA! I WIN! YOU LOSE! CLUNY IS THE BEST! STILL GOT IT! In your face, dumb ghost mouse! Ahaa... Okay the moment's over, kill the Abbot and his ringleaders.
Matthias with Martin V.O: [Kicks open the gates] HIPPITY HOPPITY, GET THE HELL OFF MY PROPERTY.
Cluny: [*Homer Simpson shriek*] What the hell?! Minion, kill that unreasonably scary mouse!
[The minion charges, but is poked by Matthias' sword and dies instantly]
[The Guosim shrews and Sparra warriors flood in after Matthias and wreak havoc, causing a massive dust cloud in the background.]
Constance: [Hulks up and flexes before tossing vermin around] WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE BLOODWRATH RUNS WILD ON YOU?!
Cluny: … Nnnnope! Forget this! [He retreats into the abbey with Matthias chasing him and grabs Friar Hugo] Don't move or your cook dies-! Wait, no, that doesn't have enough power behind it. [He throws Hugo aside and grabs Cornflower] Much better! Don't move or your love interest dies!
Matthias: Let her go and I promise not to kill you with my sword.
Cluny: Ha! Deal! [He tosses Cornflower away] A- [The tower bell crashes on him]
Martin: Oh come on, the bell? Seriously? Joseph isn't gonna be happy about this.
~20 minutes later~
Brother Alf: We lost many good beasts in the battle, including dear Father Mortimer, but Cluny and his army have been beaten! The evil invading Mossflower has been vanquished forever! …. Definitely.
Cornflower: And it's all thanks to Matthias the Warrior!
Matthias: Let's get married!
All: Yay!
~ Several Seasons later~
Cornflower: We're parents now, but our son is a brat.
Matthias: I sure hope that something unexpected happens that will teach our son to stop behaving badly. Hey is that a cir-
TO BE CONTINUED