Fool's Hope
Quentin knew he needed to rethink his life choices. It was time to think about himself, about moving on and finding his own place in the world. He stupidly thought he could settle in Fillory, play the ever faithful friend and just be happy with any scraps of affection Eliot gave him.
He was happy like that for awhile, even the flowers weren't as painful. Yes, he had chronic Hanahaki. Again. It was a very common disease. It came and went, varying in pain and intensity depending on one's feelings. He had it before and he managed to get over it. Twice. This time wasn't as easy though.
First flowers he ever coughed up had been for Julia. It didn't last long but when she got together with James he realized she would never feel like that for him. So he coughed petals, a handful every other day. It was a burning feeling in the back of his throat. Not really painful. He felt ashamed about it. The more common name for it was a Fool's Hope after all. And he was a fool to think someone as brilliant and beautiful like Julia could ever love him back.
It was his first rejection.
He got over those feelings though and with it went the flowers. It was nice to be able to breathe freely again.
Then he got together with Alice. He really loved her. So smart and beautiful and so brave. And when he screwed it all up after that godforsaken threesome he still wasn't coughing petals so he still had hope she loved him even though they both hurt each other so badly.
But then she went and sacrificed herself for them. And turned into a spiteful shadow of herself. She truly hated him then and he felt it. He loved her still. Fool's Hope is a appropriate name for Hanahaki. He started coughing petals then. And Niffin Alice never hesitated to throw it in his face. It was more painful than Julia. There were moments he couldn't breathe.
Somehow he got over it too. He still loved both Julia and Alice but the suffocating feeling of being in unrequited love with them passed.
So why couldn't he get over Eliot?
From the moment he rejected him back in that throne room Q felt out of breath. All the fucking time. And every coughing fit he had was so painful he wanted to cry at the burn in his chest.
It was a miracle he managed to hide it from everyone for so long. Also it was a bit sad that no one noticed.
Then again, they had a lot on their plates for most of the time. Magic was gone and the quest for the keys wasn't easy.
Sometimes he just sat there staring into nothing and couldn't believe they pulled it off.
They got lucky. The castle Blackspire was supposed to house a terrifying monster but it turned out to be empty. Abandoned. Bit creepy but nothing attacked them there. Well, nothing besides Alice. Q still hated her for it a bit.
Alice had almost destroyed all the keys but Penny was faster. He just shown up almost on top of her, grabbed her tight and travelled out of there. The keys fell down, safe. When he came back he said he dropped her in the middle on some lake on Earth. Q knew she was a great swimmer so he wasn't worried besides she just betrayed them so he wasn't feeling very generous.
So they turned the magic back on. And nothing bad happened because of it, no old Gods intervention.
They went back to the Whitespire castle and Q decided to just stay with Eliot and Margo and finally be a king of Fillory like he had always dreamed of. Besides, he couldn't see himself just leaving El. He thought that maybe if he just stayed and loved El he would magically change his mind and choose him.
It was his own fault he was still coughing petals like a fool he was.
But there were many moments, during those weeks after they finished the quest, that Q was just happy.
Eliot was his best friend. He was just as affectionate as he was back at school. They spent almost every moment together. They hugged, sat on top of each other and talked about almost everything. It was easy to be around him. And Q thought he could be happy living like that. They ran the country together and finally some of his ideas were being discussed and implemented.
During those precious weeks the disease wasn't painful. It was still there but he could easily ignore and hide those spare fits of coughing.
But he should have known Eliot wouldn't be happy like that. He needed more than his soulmate Margo and his best friend Quentin. So Q felt all kinds of stupid when the delegation from Loria came and with it the handsome king Idri. And Eliot was all flirtatious smiles and radiating excitement.
Quentin somehow forgot that El had been engaged. Idri didn't. And he came back to ask again, giving all the political reasons while making very suggestive comments in between.
The petals came back with vengeance. Q didn't miss the feeling of suffocation.
Eliot's enthusiastic agreement to the engagement broke Quentin's heart again.
Suddenly the everyday routine that kept his depression at bay just disappeared. El now spent his time with his fiancée and rarely gave him a time of day. Q started to skip meals just not to look at the way Idri fucking ate out of El's palm. He avoided attending meetings that before he and El had with the petitioning people because it wasn't just the two of them anymore.
It was getting harder just to leave his bed in the morning and he knew it was time he did something. Look for help. Before it was too late.
He needed to leave before the wedding or he would fucking crumble.
Why was it so hard to just get over him? El didn't seem to have any problems to forget about the Mosaic. Q was so sure there that the love was mutual. Fifty years. It was not possible to just settle for a convenient option and make it look real for so long. Besides, Q knew El wasn't like that. He wouldn't have told him he loved him, he wouldn't have married him if he didn't love him back there. But now it seemed there were better options. Q couldn't understand how El could just brush such feelings aside.
He was in the middle of packing his things when Margo barged into his room. She was obviously pissed and opened her mouth to probably berate him but then stopped when she saw the halfway packed suitcase.
"What the hell?!"
"I'm leaving." Q was already mentally prepared for this conversation. More or less. After he packed he was going to go and tell them he was leaving and just go before a fight started. It seemed Margo brought the fight to him. Q was too tired to be scared of the confrontation. It was the right decision. They didn't really need him here. And El definitely didn't want him.
"What do you mean, leaving?!" Margo put her hands on her hips, her face angry and disbelieving.
"I'm going back to Earth. I need help, Margo. Meds. Therapy. Maybe a hospital." He admitted. He run his hand through his hair and sighed. He knew that if he wanted them to just let him go he would have to be honest about his depression.
"A hospital? Shit, Coldwater I didn't know it was that bad..." Anger left her expression and she just looked guilty. "It is because Eliot broke up with you? What the fuck happened?" She sat down at his bed and patted the mattress beside her.
Quentin gaped at her, ignoring the gesture to sit down.
"What do you mean, broke up? We weren't together."
"Wha? C'mon, the way you were on top of each other all the time? I thought El just didn't want to talk with me about it because it was so obvious you were together. And I would have teased him for being mushy."
"Eliot and I are best friends. He hugs you too and kisses you and you aren't together. It's the same. Was." He sighed and sat down beside her.
"But you looked devastated when El said he was marrying that prick." Her big brown eyes looked at him with pity. He looked away, ashamed he was so transparent. Then again, El didn't seem to notice.
"I.. eh.." Q didn't really want to talk about it. Just thinking about his pathetic feelings increased the breathless suffocation of petals in his lungs. "Please Margo, I'm really not in the mood." He felt it creeping up on him and hoped he will be able to stop the cough with his sheer will. She didn't need to see how truly foolish he was. But the petals lately were much more harder to ignore and suddenly he couldn't stop it. He stood up and all but run towards the bathroom. He collapsed on the other side of the door and tried to be quiet. It hurt. Tears flew from his tightly shut eyes.
"Q! What is wrong with you!" Margo was pounding on the door. "Let me in this instant or I swear I will blow this door up!"
He tried to tell her to leave him alone but he didn't have any air left. Everything was going a bit black at the edges like he was about to faint. Petals were scattered around him.
Finally Margo had enough of hitting the door and with a few precise tuts it just disappeared. Q almost fell down but managed to lean forward instead, his palms squishing the wet flowers on the floor. He miserably coughed up some more and finally was able to take a shaky breath.
"Oh shit." She fell down to her knees beside him and petted his back. "Jesus, Q."
He just closed his eyes miserably and leaned into her. She embraced him and didn't say anything else. He needed this. A nice, comforting hug from a friend who cared about him.
Finally he moved away and brushed the tears from his cheeks.
"When did it happen? What did El do, that idiot? Why is he marrying that dick when you obviously love him?" Margo couldn't just let it go. They got up from the floor and sat back down on the bed but this time she pulled him into her arms and kept her fingers in his hair.
"Do we really have to talk about it?" He tried but she hit him lightly on the arm.
"Yes! What is going on, baby Q?"
"Do you remember that quest for the time key? When you had to dig up Jane's corpse?" He gave up. Maybe talking about it will help. Be a bit therapeutic.
"Hard to forget."
"You stopped us going into the clock. But then I read that letter and... Well we remembered. Eliot and I remember the whole life we had together. We were married. Had a family. A wife. A son."
Margo just sat there stunned and listened to a very emotional nerd describe his love story. Normally, she would gag and tell him to fucking shut up. But it was the life of her best friends. To hear that Eliot was so happy living that simple life. To see how much it meant to Quentin. It was important to them so it was important to her.
"So I asked him if he wanted to give it a shot in this timeline. But he told me he wouldn't choose me. And it seems he meant it because he just chose someone else. I need to leave. You understand now, don't you? I'm fucking miserable. This is not the way to live, just pining like an idiot. I need to go and get help for my depression before it's too late. And I fucking need to finally let him go and get over it or I will drown it those stupid petals. It's painful. Not to mention pathetic." Q fumed and it was the most energetic he felt in a while. He was angry.
"Yes, I get that. But I don't understand why El is acting like a total idiot! I mean, he was head over heels since he first saw you. I had to listen to him fucking pine like a girl."
"Feelings change. He spent a lifetime with me and he loved me but I guess he had enough. I'm not the easiest person to be with. I'm pathetic most of the time. Clingy. Prone to depressive episodes and self hate. He just had enough of that. Can't blame him." His mood turned back into black hole of self pity. Anger gone completely.
"Bullshit! That's depression talking. You are easy to love honey. You think I like pathetic little nerds? Of course not. But I fucking love you, you are one of my best friends. You are none of the shit you just said so get it out of your head. I understand why you want to leave. You probably should go back on your meds and get help. But I also think that you should confront that idiot first. I'm sure this is just a lack of communication between you two. He probably was scared shitless when you just went all emotional so he pushed you away. And now he thinks you don't want him anymore and that he blew he chance so he's making a stupid mistake. He will regret it so badly." Margo was speaking with such conviction that Q felt hope filling his heart.
"No way. I mean, after we got magic back I was there. I've never hidden how I felt for him. I mean even you thought we were together! El was always tactile with everyone but I'm not like that. I never act like that with anyone else!"
"But you sort of always acted that way with El so you can't blame him for thinking it was normal." He groaned. She was right.
"Still... I don't want him to reject me again. I think the Hanahaki would fucking suffocate me for real if that happened. He moved on. King Idri cares about him. And he's so much better for El than me. He's a real king. Handsome. Regal. Fucking sexy. El's all over him. I mean, I never said anything back at school even though I had a big crush from the beginning, because El is so out of my league it's not funny. I was in awe he or you even wanted to talk to me at all." He admitted, an embarassed blush flooding his face.
"Oh c'mon!" Margo hit his arm again. "I know we are fucking awesome but don't put us on some pedestal. We had a threesome early on in our relationship. You think I would have fucked you if I didn't like you and thought you were just some weird nerd? I got to know you and there is more to your character than you think. And you are cute, it was fun." She grinned and he had to smile back. Normally, he would be so fucking embarrassed with such a conversation but she was right. They were best friends. It was easy to speak to her about anything.
"Thanks. But I really want to think about myself for once. Depression makes me not care about my health or emotions but I'm not so far gone yet. I've had this for years. I know how it goes. I tried to kill myself when I was twenty. I knew every tall building with an easy access to the roof in the neighborhood. And I feel this black hole inside me ready to swallow me whole but there is still a spark inside me saying I want to live. So sorry Margo but no, I am not going to risk my sanity so that El doesn't make a mistake of marrying the wrong person. Besides, we don't know if it's a mistake. Only Eliot and Idri can decide that. Please just let me go."
He stood up and silently went back to packing. Margo didn't know what to say to that so she nodded and left. She couldn't press him when he was in such a fragile state.
Quentin knew it was cowardly but he just couldn't say goodbye to Eliot. He tried. Went looking for him but he found him busy kissing his handsome king. And he just couldn't say anything. Seeing his beautiful ex in a passionate embrace was just too much. If he stayed another second he would cough his lugs out.
So he told a guard to inform Margo he already left and taking his suitcase with him he walked towards the portal they had established.
He got a small place for himself and had to get a job to afford it. Along with therapy. He actually liked his new job, he found a small bookstore slash coffee shop and he helped to clean and serve drinks. It was quiet but he wasn't alone there even though he didn't have to really speak with anyone.
Kady helped him find a magical therapist and it helped to be able to really speak about his problems, without lying. The meds weren't as easy to get used to again, he felt a bit numb but they helped with anxiety and reduced the fits he had from Hanahaki. Unfortunately, the flowers were still there but he knew it would take more that a week to lessen them.
Julia visited him every day. It was easier with her along. She made sure he got up from bed in the morning and went to his job when he just wanted to stay in bed and hide from the world.
It took three weeks for him to get a bit better. The petals lessened and were hurting him less. The meds helped him sleep. Therapy was still hard but he finally started to talk about the main issue, about El. He even got a tentative friend at work. He was this always smiling person, so positive it was hard to stay gloom around him. Q had hope he would dig himself out of this black hole of an episode.
So of course Eliot had to show up at his place. When Q opened the door one evening and saw him just standing there, his expression nervous, he felt the petals burn in his chest again. He swallowed hard but moved aside to let him in.
"Q. I missed you. You didn't even say goodbye." He said after sitting down on the couch. Quentin nervously glanced at him and decided to busy his hands with making tea.
"Yea, sorry about that. I was in a bad place, I really needed to get help. I told Margo I was leaving."
"I'm sorry I didn't notice you were feeling like that." Eliot said quietly. Q handed him the tea and sat down at the other end of the couch, far enough away so that they weren't touching. Completely different than they used to sit. El frowned at him but didn't comment.
He looked tired. Dark shadows under his eyes. Nervous eyes dashing around Quentin but not looking directly at him. His clothes were wrinkled. There was no ring on his finger.
"Why are you here, El?" Quentin missed him like crazy but he didn't want to see him. He needed time. Having him so close was making the flowers burn.
"It's been a week since you left."
"Really? Time went wobbly again, for me it was almost a month." Q interrupted him and Eliot looked at him, surprised.
"You were away for a month and didn't even sent a message?!" He huffed but irritation quickly bleed out from his expression. "Anyway, Margo didn't want to tell me more than that you left because you were depressed and needed help. She was mad at me for some reason and I didn't know what I did to get her ire but she finally exploded and shouted at me for being a coward and an idiot and for hurting you and myself."
Q paled. He thought Margo wouldn't tell Eliot how he felt about him but he should have known better. She loved El more than anyone else and she believed he was making a mistake he would regret. So it was more important to protect El than Quentin's privacy. Damn.
"She told me you left because you were in love with me and couldn't watch me marry someone else. Is that true?" Eliot looked... Strange. If Q didn't know better he would say he looked hopeful.
"El... You didn't have to come here. I'm fine. I'm getting the help I need, I'm back in therapy and on my meds. It's going ok but it's a process and I just need more time..." He stuttered. God, he really didn't want to have this conversation.
"Q. Are you still in love with me?"
He couldn't stop the fucking cough no matter how much he tried. He felt it burning through his lungs. He almost fell while he ducked down and coughed more petals than he ever did. God, he couldn't breathe! Fucking Eliot, he just had to come and undo his progress. Why the fuck did he need to know, he was engaged to someone else for fucks sake.
"Q! Oh fuck, Quentin!" He heard Eliot panicking but he couldn't answer. His vision went black and he fainted. His mouth was full of rose petals.
When he came to, he was lying with his head on someone's lap, fingers cradling through his hair. An arm was hugging him across his chest. He opened his eyes and looked right into Eliot's. Hey were red rimmed and still a bit glassy from tears.
"God, I'm so sorry Q!" He sobbed. "I didn't know. I hurt you so much and yet you still stayed for so long. I'm a coward and an idiot and I owe you a million apologies."
"You don't owe me anything." He sat up even though El didn't want to let go at first.
"Please listen to me, Q. I lied. In the throne room. I rejected you because I'm a self sabotaging idiot who runs when real feelings are involved. Then we still had that stupid quest to focus on and I thought I would gather my courage and apologize after we finished it. But it took us so long and meanwhile I was aware my comments about finding another life partner or negative quips about our life at the Mosaic were just cruel. I was ashamed and also very sure you moved on. I didn't say anything." He took a shuddering breath and looked away from Quentin's stunned expression. "We acted like best friends, like before everything and I was sure that was it. That you finally realised you shouldn't choose me. So when Idri came I thought he was better than nothing."
"Margo is right. You are an idiot. Are you telling me... What are you telling me?!"
"I love you." Eliot said quietly and took his hand between both of his. His eyes were big and beautiful and Q felt like he was transported back in time when the two of them sat in front of their shack under the stars and kissed like they were the only ones in the world.
"You... Love me? You rejected me and then got engaged to someone else but you love me?" Q couldn't believe that.
"Please forgive me. I'm really insecure and couldn't believe I got so lucky you wanted to spent another lifetime with me! Here! Where you could have anyone! Why would you choose me?!"
"Jesus, El! You told me you wouldn't choose me and then proved it by choosing someone else and suddenly you are here saying that you love me? That doesn't make any sense!" Q stood up and started pacing, angry and hopeful and devastated. His feelings were all over the place. At least the petals stopped for the moment. Maybe waiting to see if this was true. Because if Eliot really love him back then it wasn't unrequited anymore, right? But if he was... Q didn't know what. Confused? Feeling guilty? Fucking high? Then he was sure another rejection would fucking suffocate him. It was uncommon but there were cases where someone did die from Hanahaki. Too much intense negative feelings generated so many petals it cut out air for too long.
"Will you forgive me? Do you still love me? Please Q, tell me I still have a chance. I will make it up to you. I'm so sorry." Eliot was babbling, panicked.
Quentin didn't know what to do.
"Calm down! I'm the one who's freaking out here!" He kneeled in front of Eliot and grabbed his hands. No matter what he'd done, Q just couldn't watch him fall apart. Eliot didn't know how to deal with his emotions, his way was alcohol and avoidance. "Just breathe with me. Slowly." He showed him when to inhale and slowly he calmed down. He took his hands away from Q and hid his face in them. He was trembling.
"Sorry. That was pathetic." He said quietly.
Quentin sighed.
"Do you really mean it? What about Idri?"
"I broke up with him. I can't marry him when I love you and there is any chance no matter how small that you feel the same."
Quentin felt hope explode in his chest obliterating the petals.
"You hurt me. You broke my heart. But you are so important to me El. We spent fifty years together. Please tell me it meant to you the same it did to me. Our family. Tell me you would choose me here." His voice got quiet at the end. El looked up into his eyes and nodded. He looked very serious.
"It meant everything. I'm choosing you. I will always choose you. Please let me love you."
"All right."
"You forgive me?!"
"It's not that easy. As I said, you truly hurt me and made me feel like I was just so much trouble you didn't want to deal with me again. But if you mean it then I can't just turn you away. I will give you a chance. But if we are to have a real relationship then it will be a lot of work. Fucking talking about our feelings. It will be real. Are you sure you can handle that?"
"Yes. I want nothing more. I will prove my love to you." He smiled.
Q smiled shyly back at him.
"Can I hug you?"
He just nodded and couldn't help but relax into his arms. It was the best place to be. They stayed like that for a long moment. When El finally moved a bit away to gaze back at him in adoration Q couldn't stop himself. He shouldn't rush it. He wanted to go slow but seeing how beautiful and fucking earnest El looked he just had to kiss him.
Their lips met in a light brush, big hand wrapped around his neck where it belonged. Q sighed happily and let the kiss deepen. He missed this so badly. His heart was beating out of his chest when he felt a warm, wet tongue lightly licking at his bottom lip. He was breathless but in a nice way, completely different from that terrible feeling petals gave him. Q opened his mouth and let El lick inside. The slick, hot slide of his tongue against his made Q moan. He moved away slowly, braking the kiss.
"I missed you. But I want to go slow. Can you be patient with me?"
Eliot caressed his cheek.
"Of course. I love you." He repeated and kissed him quickly on the lips again. Then he hugged him to his chest, putting his head on top of his. Q closed his eyes and snuggled closer.
He wanted to say it back but somehow was afraid. So he didn't and hoped that El will be patient. He will say it back soon. When he was sure. When no more petals showed.
El didn't know it but Q has already forgiven him. When he loved with such intensity it was impossible not to forgive.
But he will know. Soon.
This time it won't be a fool's hope.