Disclaimer: This story is loosely inspired by "A private affair" by Beppe Fenoglio.
None of the characters belongs to me.
The war described in this story is of pure fiction and in no way relates to actual historical events.
Chapter One: I am thinking of you, even now.
"What a state I am in. I am made of mud inside and out. My mother would not recognize me. You should not have done this to me. Especially thinking about what was right in front of me. But you could not have known what was right in front of me, and also him and every boy. You do not have to know anything, only that I love you. I, instead, must know only if I have your soul. I am thinking of you, even now, even in these conditions, I am thinking of you. Do you know that if I cease to think about you, you die, instantly?"
The war had been going on for two years now, with neither side getting the upper hand. There were periods during which the demons finally seemed to be on the verge of winning and others when the humans had a clear advantage over them.
No one really knew how it all started, only that one day the sun had risen and the world had woken up on the warpath: the hard-won harmony between demons and humans no longer existed, nor did the interracial relations; each person was forced to choose a side or else the exclusion – or worse.
Demons and humans clashed without reserve, they killed the enemy in cold blood and without a second thought. They didn't pay attention to who was in neutral territory or who was trying to be a peacemaker: if one belonged to the opposite side, it was just an enemy, and as such, it had to be killed before it could kill them.
Who attacks first wins, who hesitates dies. And the first to die were the youngest and the oldest.
The first because they were still inexperienced and had just been weaned. Most of them did not have the heart to endure such a revolt and, in fact, they hesitated in front of the enemy; without being given even a second chance they fell to the ground dead, reaching a place that was perhaps more peaceful than the one they had just left.
The older ones were those who had seen the previous war and had no desire to see another one - what this previous war was, it did not matter; demons or humans, the older ones had already experienced the horror of war. These willingly went to their deaths or sacrificed themselves for younger members.
But the ones who had it really bad were people like him and his mother who, members of both societies, had been forced to choose, leaving a part of their being on the other side with great regret.
Inuyasha was a half-demon – son of a human princess and a great dog demon – and as such felt both human and demonic parts in himself. As his father was a major general who had also helped bring peace centuries before, he and his mother had always lived in the lands that Toga ruled in the west.
Mostly demons lived there and it was not uncommon to encounter people who hated mixed relationships and especially the children of such relationships, the first being his older brother Sesshomaru, a dai-youkai who had not hesitated to condemn his father for choosing a human wife.
Yet Inuyasha, despite the hardships and all the beatings he had suffered in his two hundred years, had never hated his life, nor his father for condemning him to a life in biblical between two different sides of the coin. He never had, not until the day the war had broken out and he'd been forced to choose.
Either he chose to side with the demons and fight alongside his father and brother or remain alone – because there was just no way the humans would welcome him into their ranks. But Inuyasha would have never fought his father, exclusion or not; his place was next to that mighty demon who had taught him the right values and still tried to apply them in the middle of the battlefield.
However, since his childhood he had never been forced to stay only in the West, he had always been able to travel between the lands ruled by demons than those of humans; he had always taken the opportunity. Inuyasha loved to run with the wind ruffling his long silver hair, to jump so high that he almost felt like he was flying and to breathe in the air typical of the woods.
He was by nature a vagabond, just like his father and brother, and just like Toga before him, during one of his excursions he had met the woman he loved.
It was evening when it happened, Inuyasha had miscalculated and found himself far from home during a new moon night, that moment when the half-demon lost his demonic powers and became human for a night.
It was the one thing he had always hated about himself; he felt weak, blind and deaf and didn't like to be seen in that pathetic state. Not to mention that it was a secret that had to be kept with life, there were always those who hated those like him and couldn't wait to wipe them off the face of the earth.
So, Inuyasha had been forced to hide like a coward when he had realized he wouldn't make it back to the castle in time, and certainly, travelling within the confines of his father's lands in his weak human form was worse than hiding on the edge of a seemingly harmless human village.
Before the sun had gone down, he had found one of the tallest trees in the forest and had taken refuge there already aware that he was going to have to spend the night with his eyes opened. He knew that in the morning when he would return to the castle, his mother would have a lecture ready, not to mention the guilt that currently gripped his chest at the thought of the pain she was feeling because of his absence.
It was well into the night when a woman with long, straight ebony hair had walked through the forest.
It had seemed strange to him at first, why would a human enter the forest at this time of the night? Did she have murderous instincts? Didn't she know that even in human territory she was in great danger?
He hadn't even finished formulating these thoughts when he saw her shoot an arrow at lightning speed, a light pink glow enveloped the object, and a second later a scream was heard followed by another glow that Inuyasha had learned to recognize as the typical one of a demon being purified by spiritual power.
The girl was thus a priestess. He looked at her better, his human eyesight didn't allow him much so he narrowed his eyes even more and was finally able to distinguish in the dark of the night the white upper part of her dress; he guessed she was wearing the traditional red pants.
Inuyasha had also taken a great risk, without his senses he hadn't even realized a demon was nearby and instead this girl, this priestess, had purified it without a moment's hesitation; she must have been trained and used to doing so.
The half-demon-turned-human tried to make himself even smaller on the branch he was perched on, but the girl, who in the meantime had been standing still contemplating the spot where the demon had been reduced to ashes, looked up at him anyway; Inuyasha was sure he was covered enough but the way he had turned around said a lot.
He couldn't risk being seen. Of course, the laws dictated that demons and humans shouldn't kill each other unless one had openly attacked the other, but he certainly wouldn't risk it; especially if the person was a gifted priestess. He as a half-demon could not be killed, worst-case scenario he would be temporarily turned into a human, but his survival instincts told him it was better not to let his defences drop.
"Are you going to stand there all night and become prey to some rogue demon?" she told him without preamble and with her back to him. "I know you're up there hiding," she said again when only silence followed her question.
Minutes more passed before Inuyasha finally decided to climb down the tree and land behind her.
"Would you be willing to protect me even if you knew I wasn't actually what I seem?" he asked her back.
"I already know you're a half-demon. You may be human now but faint traces of youki will always remain on you and you certainly can't fool someone like me," she replied authoritatively – Kikyo, Inuyasha would learn the next day that the priestess's name was Kikyo.
It had been the beginning of their relationship, a friendship that began very cautiously and grew into a deep feeling that kept him awake at night as he thought about the deep brown of her eyes, her soft skin or the feel of her lips on his. A feeling that Inuyasha had always thought would never die, despite all the wars and hardships.
That was what he had always thought...
At that moment Inuyasha, as he said goodbye to Kagome and slyly ran through the trees of that forest trying not to be noticed by his enemies, was questioning everything that had been between him and Kikyo in the years just before the war.
The doubt and the sense of anger given by the betrayal invaded his mind and he couldn't allow certain feelings to cloud his clear mind putting his own safety at risk.
But as he jumped from tree to tree, his mind couldn't help but bring to mind his past with the priestess and the conversation he had just had with his younger sister.
He and Kikyo had had to part ways precisely because they belonged to different factions, but Inuyasha had promised her that he would fight for her during one last clandestine meeting. He had sworn to her that he would make sure to achieve the peace only for her and then he would return to marry her as they had already decided together. He had then caught her lips in a last passionate kiss whose memory had given Inuyasha strength in so many of those difficult moments he had had to face since the war broke out.
Like when his mother had been killed by some demons supposedly allied with his father. They believed that all the humans living in demon lands should be killed as well since they were probably spies. Of course, they hadn't seen the light of day anymore either, but it had been a hard blow and Inuyasha had clung to any happy moments, most of which featured Kikyo as the main character.
Could he now, after what Kagome had just revealed to him, take comfort in the image of his beloved priestess? Or would he fall into an abyss of grief and hatred as his father had risked doing when his mother had died?
That morning Inuyasha had been sent out to scout, he had found himself in front of those endless stairs that led to the shrine that had been of Kikyo's family for decades. He had hidden well, or at least he thought he had, but apparently, he had been so absorbed in his thoughts that he had been easily discovered by Kagome.
His first instinct had been to run for his life, he had never really known the girl – after all, she had only been a child when she had started visiting Kikyo – and he couldn't have known what her intentions were. Yet Kagome had prevented him from doing so, had promptly grabbed his arm, restraining him, and shouted a "No!" that made him flatten the dog ears placed on his head out of pure instinct.
In hindsight, Inuyasha realized that he had been very lucky; such carelessness could have cost him his life if someone else had discovered him. Even if the half-demons couldn't be purified, the spiritualists had found a way to kill them as well; after all, it's not like they were that strong in human form. They didn't want them in their ranks, but at the same time if they allied with the demons they were easy targets anyway.
Kagome had invited him to drink a cup of tea in her hut; he'd looked at her sceptically, raised an eyebrow and shook his head – like hell he was going to get suckered in like that! – but Kagome's pleading eyes and the loneliness he read in them easily changed his mind.
Apparently, soon after the war began their entire family had been killed and only she, Kikyo and her little sister Rin were left. While the eldest was sent to the front, as she was more trained and capable, Kagome was forced to stay behind to protect the family shrine along with the little girl and the elder Kaede. Most of the villagers had either died or fled to safer places.
When Inuyasha had asked her why they hadn't taken refuge elsewhere, she had replied that this place was special and it was essential that both the shrine and the Sacred Tree placed on its grounds were protected. But Kagome felt lonely, for two years now she had had no contact with anyone other than her little sister and the old woman who could not offer her the comfort she needed. She didn't feel understood and she felt like she was going crazy.
Kagome, who in the meantime in these two years had improved a lot in her priestess arts for obvious reasons and under Kaede's watchful eye, had immediately recognized a demonic aura at the foot of the shrine. She had rushed to check its source, for fear that it was some other demon come to kill her - not many came, but sometimes some recognized their presence even beyond the barrier and tried to attack them - but she had then seen its silver hair. She had remembered the kind half-demon who often came to visit Kikyo when she was still a child; she had taken advantage of the opportunity to talk to someone else and enjoy his company.
Inuyasha had scolded her, "How were you sure I was on your side?" he had asked her frowning.
"I've always been able to read auras, though as a child I didn't know the meaning of them, today I recognized yours. I know you would never hurt me," she had answered him with a bright smile that had lit up her face.
They had talked a lot and Inuyasha had found himself enjoying her company but eventually, inevitably, the conversation had turned to Kikyo; she was the reason he had gone to such lengths and he had risked a lot.
He had asked her if she had heard from her sister, and what was safe to tell him.
"Kikyo? The last time she sent us a letter she had left the front lines. Too many dead, she said and she was tired of killing and risking death. I can't blame her, it's not an easy task she's been given and she never wanted this war, nor I if that's matter." A tear marred her face as she thought back to her mother, grandfather and little brother who had fallen immediately.
Inuyasha felt guilty for her, though he knew he was in no way responsible, but the feeling was quickly replaced by apprehension for his beloved. Where was she at this moment? What risks was she taking? Those who fled from their responsibilities were killed by the humans themselves if they were discovered, and no such luck with demons.
"And where is she now? She wasn't stupid enough to run away in plain sight, was she? How did the letter get to you?" he asked apprehensively.
"A monk friend of ours brought it to us along with some rations; Kikyo said he was a trustworthy person, maybe a little too perverted, but nothing a good kick where the sun doesn't shine won't fix."
Inuyasha grimaced instinctively; it must have hurt!
"If you want I can let you read the letter, I've kept it carefully. It's probably the only thing I have left of sister Kikyo, I'll probably never see her again," she told him in a feeble voice and with her head bowed.
These words certainly didn't calm the half-demon's crazy heartbeat.
He nodded, unable to say anything else, and waited diligently for the girl to return with the letter. His eyes wandered unwillingly to her body that was now that of a woman; Inuyasha had no idea how old she was but right there he thought she was even more beautiful than Kikyo.
It was a moment but it graced his mind anyway.
Her hair had bluish streaks unlike Kikyo's and fell wavy over her shoulders, while her eyes, still an intense brown, seemed to hold more emotion than her sister who had always been controlled and calm instead. Her skin was slightly darker, as was the red of her lips - but maybe that was because she had been torturing them with her teeth while they talked. When she smiled, a dimple formed on her left cheek, and her eyes lit up, despite the pain that still was plainly visible in them; had Kikyo ever smiled like that?
He was roused from his inappropriate thoughts – after all, he had promised himself to Kikyo, he couldn't think of his sister that way – when Kagome returned to the room with a letter in her hand and placed it under his eyes.
Inuyasha took it with trembling hands. He hoped that Kikyo hadn't done anything crazy, that wherever she was he could go and save her, offer her a place to stay safe until the war ended and wait until they could finally get married; he couldn't imagine losing her that way, he himself wouldn't survive.
However, those thoughts came to an abrupt stop as soon as his golden eyes landed on the words she had written on paper. At first, Kikyo went on to recount the recent events, the sense of discomfort at having to see death after death and being the cause of some of those herself, and the burden she felt because of the task she had been given.
The spiritualists, she said, were many, they wouldn't miss her, she was in danger of being killed every day because those feelings were also affecting her powers, making them less effective. But then...
Do you remember Suikotsu, the son of our village's doctor? We found ourselves in the same camp; he was working as a doctor and when our eyes met, and I read in his the same pain I felt. The next day we decided to run away together, this life is not for us and the war could last for many more years; I'm not sure I couldn't last much longer. I am very sorry, dear sister, to have to leave you like this; I hope one day to be able to embrace you again. Don't fear for my safety, Suikotsu has contacts that will help us disappear unnoticed and we will have to stay hidden for a long time before they forget about us, so I beg you from the bottom of my heart not to look for me.
The person to whom I entrusted...
The letter ended with Kikyo describing how the supplies would get to Kagome and the man who would bring them, but for Inuyasha, it was as if he had never read those last words written in black and white. The paper dropped unceremoniously onto his table and his pupils dilated at the realization that Kikyo had run off with another man.
After the promises, kisses, sweet words, and tears, Kikyo had decided to abandon him for a doctor she met by chance. What happened to all the love she had always confessed to him? But had it ever been love then? Or just simple affection for the poor half-demon she had saved driven by simple pity that fateful night of the new moon?
"Kikyo and Suikotsu had always loved each other. They never had a chance to announce it, but I think they had always intended to marry. I would sometimes see them hiding in the woods exchanging kisses and I saw how much Kikyo suffered at the news of being sent to the front just because she was being pulled away from him. I didn't understand much about it then, but in retrospect, I recognized the signs."
Kagome's words pulled him out of his daze, what was she saying? Had they always been in love? Were they planning on getting married? No, that was not possible! She, she had promised him all those things...Why? Why do that if she had never really intended to? What about those whispered "I love you"? Why misled him so cruelly?
Kagome evidently didn't realize the turmoil Inuyasha was currently in, for she continued undaunted with her speech, "I have never known love, I was only fourteen when the war broke out and since I was training as a priestess I had not been promised to anyone yet. On the one hand, I was glad, who would want a marriage without love? But on the other hand..." the girl sighed, "I've always wanted to feel it, that feeling I saw in Kikyo's eyes whenever she thought of Suikotsu; I could tell when she was thinking of him just by that glint I read there. It must be beautiful."
A glint, he had never discerned a glint in Kikyo's eyes. So had he actually been deceived himself all these years? Had Kikyo never really said "I love you" to him? Had she never really considered him anything but a friend?
"What about you, Inuyasha? Have you ever been in love? Rather, what was your relationship with sister Kikyo? It always seemed strange to me that a handsome, strong boy like you would visit so often. Sister Kikyo revealed to me once that your father is a general who had helped restore peace a few centuries ago; I imagine it couldn't have been easy for him to relive moments like these, either," she reasoned, her eyes again shiny at the thought.
Inuyasha was only able to shake his head, feeling his body quivering with anger, pain, and senseless jealousy. Had his life so far only been a lie? What had been the point of it all? How could she find the will to continue going to war without anything to hold on to? His mother... Kikyo... they were no longer there for him.
Suddenly he felt a slimmer hand grasp his more dangerous one, adorned with claws that could tear a man apart in seconds. "I don't know what happened between you and my sister and I'm sorry if I said more than I should have. I don't know what lies hidden in your past or what the war took away from you, but don't make that mistake Inuyasha. Don't let yourself go..."
Her eyes suddenly held him there on the spot, with no way out and he found himself lost in them wondering how that lonely little girl could read his mind without even really knowing him.
But was there anyone who really knew him in this world? Even his father, driven by grief, had put some distance between them.
"If you do that, it will be easier for all those hate-filled people who started this war to get rid of you. The world is cruel, it is to everyone, but to a half-demon even more so. Never let your guard down," she continued as she picked up the now empty cups of tea, her tone and gaze more serious now. "I would be pleased, one day, if this feud finally ended, to know that you survived. Find the strength in you; I have learned that it hides in places we never imagined we would look." She offered him one last smile before disappearing from his sight, and Inuyasha stood alone in the hut that once belonged to what he believed to be his beloved - and instead apparently never really belonged to him – thinking about the meaning of her words.
He picked up the letter one last time, this time focusing on the sentences written at the bottom. Miroku, the monk that Kagome had said had found a little too touching, brought to mind a new moon night when he had infiltrated on the opposite side in search of news – his had been a risky move, but he had timed it well and it had worked out in the end, even all too well.
So the perverted monk had been considered a trusted person by Kikyo and probably knew her story as well.
The plan he formulated in his mind soon after was just an obvious consequence of the recent event.
A/N: The quotes at the beginning of each chapter are translated from Italian by me and are all taken from "Una questione privata" by Beppe Fenoglio.
Initially I was planning on writing no more than four chapters but I already wrote more. It will be of 8/9 chapters and I will update weekly.
Let me know what you think of it!