A/N; Blame the playlist " You had a dream being with your comfort character, only to wake up" for this sombre piece.
Guilt
"Guilt isn't always a rational thing...it is a weight that can crush you whether you deserve it or not."- Maureen Johnson
Sai found himself in an open field. It was the one which Ino used to grow flowers, and Sai knew well, for he often aided her when required. Ino was meticulous in her attention to detail when it came to her flowers, so much so that Sai could recite the necessary soil compositions, water requirements along with how to harvest each type appropriately. Ino was a force to be reckoned with, yet Sai realised that he enjoyed such a character trait in her. It was to be that reflexively the corners of his mouth began tugging upwards without permission as he thought back on their shared memories. Sai was swift to force his face into a neutral expression as his brow furrowed, for these exact reactions were fuelling his current conflict. There was the accompanying sensation of his inner self being disturbed. It had been the very spontaneous reactions that had driven him to seek refuge in solitude. There was a growing discomfort due to this noticeable change in his behaviour. Since when was he so free in his emotions? Sai knew the culprit behind his transformation, but he did not blame her, which was the strange part. However, that did not stop Sai from wanting to hide.
He was quick to shake his head and turn his attention back to the flowers. There was something comforting about sitting on the ground and being so close to nature. Sai ran his fingers through the soil then and found that he felt less anchorless. The unsettling stirring in his chest began to dissipate slightly. It was then that he closed his eyes and merely breathed in the scents that surrounded him as a gentle breeze blew. In such a place, words were superfluous, and it provided Sai with the peace of mind he required.
At some point, Ino arrived like Sai's shadow, quiet and close. She sat by his side and waited as she watched him undertake the familiar ritual of trying to suppress his emotions. It had become a running theme as of late, despite Ino believing that Sai fundamentally did not mind experiencing emotions and to some degree enjoyed them. However, some reason was driving Sai's actions and his need to return to his former self, which Ino had not yet figured out much to her annoyance as she prided herself in being able to read people.
Meanwhile, Sai worked hard to ignore the presence that had arrived and the eyes that were undoubtedly fixed upon him, but it was impossible. He could not, and his eyes sprang open. Sai worked to iron out his facial muscles, which had reacted in pleasure at the arrival of the woman who had taken up tenancy in his head without asking. Though was, it not his mind to control? It seemed that he was not able to control himself around her anymore as well.
Ino noticed the subtle distress behind Sai's black eyes and merely looked at him questioningly without hurt or judgement on her part.
Sai turned to look across the field, then as there was something brewing within him.
After some time in the still quiet, Ino finally asked, "Do you want me to leave?"
There was an almost immediate shake of Sai's head.
"Then you want me to stay?" Ino asked obviously, to which Sai hesitated as if to think.
Soft answering laughter filled the air between them, and the former root member was warmed to the core.
"You can't have it both ways, Sai," Ino highlighted in amusement, although knowing she didn't need to.
Her teasing, which Sai had first taken offence to, now welcomed, for he understood its place in relationships. It was a way to break such moments as this one.
Though soon enough the niggling in Sai's chest returned, and his pleasure dissipated.
"Is there something on your mind?" Ino asked then.
Sai was all too aware that the question held a broad hint, so she knew full well. Sai did lament for a moment that there was someone who could so easily read him, for he prided himself on being elusive. It was a trait that he had been well praised in the root, so it was one he had taken time and effort to cultivate.
"I was not really good at it," Sai suddenly confessed.
Ino tilted her head at an angle in response to the ambiguity of Sai's words. "Good at what?" she asked while noting that memories were fleeting across his eyes.
Sai tried not to linger on any, one in particular, as his chest tightened. However, he had no control as the memories accosted him and Sai found that his mind replayed Shin's final moments. Despite the privacy of such remnants of his past, Sai knew that Ino was the only likely candidate if he ever would share them with. Sai turned to Ino then, who was waiting patiently and welcomed his attention with a tentative smile. There was no challenge in her eyes, merely gentle petition. The former root member tried to quell the spring of heat that he experienced within himself as he tried to keep her incredible aura at bay. Ino had an exquisite warmth about her that Sai found himself just wanting to drown in. To allow it to envelope him and to surrender to her never-ending quest to understand and comfort him. However, the possibility of such comfort was fought by the restlessness which had returned. Sai sighed despite himself and turned to look out across the expanse of flowers once more.
"I was not good at hiding my emotions," Sai explained then, which received an answering scoff of amused objection. Sai was unsurprised by how his lips momentarily quirked as he understood Ino's reaction, which had been something beyond him mere months ago.
Sai's expression, though, soon became neutral and even fell as he thought of Shin.
Ino waited for Sai to elaborate on the point he was trying to make.
Meanwhile, Sai steeled himself to speak of his past for the first time. He began by recounting his childhood from where his memory began which did not include his parents. Ino listened intently to Sai, vocalising his thoughts of once wondering if he indeed ever had parents. Her chest constricted and such a line of thought left her deeply saddened. From the corner of Sai's eyes, he noticed how Ino's posture wilted in response, so he settled for quickly, stating that it did not matter either way and changed course. It was to be that Sai eventually went on to explain about meeting a boy named, Shin and Ino could not help but notice how Sai's face momentarily brightened when recounting their story. Sai elaborated that he had always been a more cautious and rule biding child whilst Shin had been loud, bold and rebellious in a way that did not draw enough attention to warrant repercussions. Sai explained that Shin naturally caused him to shed the lessons he had been taught by the root and remembered becoming attached to him. Ino found herself smiling as Sai explained how Shin had encouraged his art and elaborated on some of their adventures and antics. Internally Ino was beginning to feel indebted to the older boy who had offered the man she had grown to love his first taste of the companionship which a sense of family provided.
However, soon enough, the mood darkened along with Sai's expression. His posture changed as his shoulders became raised, and there was a look of child-like hurt behind his eyes. Already Ino knew that Shin and Sai's story must not have ended well, for she had never heard of him before now.
"It happened one random day when we were both teenagers," Sai began, "I found myself standing opposite Shin, and Danzo was instructing us to fight to the death. Supposedly, it was the final test in the root to erase all emotion."
Ino's body tensed as her mind wandered as she thought the worst. Had Sai killed the boy he had come to think of as a brother?
There was a shaky breath before Sai explained. "I became emotional and said that I couldn't do it," he added slowly.
Ino had never heard much of Danzo, the founder of the root, as his activities were shrouded in mystery, even for the Anbu. Though despite not knowing him, Ino was coming to despise the man viscerally.
"Shin started to attack me just before Danzo disappeared…and it was strange because I didn't want to die," Sai elaborated, "But I didn't want to fight him."
Such a harrowing experience was more than Ino could bear, but she had to listen, for she had asked for Sai's truth.
Sai's eyes were in some far-off place as if he were reliving everything once more. "The situation resolved itself though because Shin suddenly collapsed," Sai continued, "I stopped running from him and found that he was coughing up blood, and It was the first time in my life I felt tears escaping my eyes."
Sai's hand then came to his shoulder. "He shoved me away," Sai went on, "And with his dying breath, he told me to go and suppress my emotions, or the root missions would destroy me… He wanted me to live for the both of us."
Ino sat trying to quell her own rising tears, for she knew where this was going and now understood why Sai was fighting to return to his former self. She spoke for the first time since Sai had decided to recount his past. "So, he saved you," she highlighted.
Sai merely nodded. "Whether he picked me, or we were assigned to each other, I will never know," Sai elaborated, "But Shin knew about this final test and that he was dying anyway."
Sai finished with how he had worked hard to suppress all his emotions after that like Shin had wanted him to. It was to be that this is how their story prematurely ended, and Sai explained that he had no other memories of his past. Sai vocalised then that he had no intention of allowing any others to resurface and was content to accept his brain's way of protecting him. The induced amnesia was just fine by Sai.
"But I could have jeopardised all of it because of my emotions," Sai blamed, "If Shin had not acted the way he had but like myself, then Danzo surely would have had us both killed for refusing."
Ino, who by now was practically itching to comfort Sai physically, held off as she knew that he was in a heightened internal state. She had to bring him down before he would be receptive to physical touch, for together, it would be too much otherwise.
"Do you perhaps feel indebted to Shin?" Ino asked tentatively.
Immediately Sai nodded without a second thought, "Of course…and It feels wrong every time I express any emotion when I vowed I would not. I get this uneasy sensation in my chest."
"Do you know what is causing that uneasiness?" she voiced, not wanting to guide Sai thoughts but to allow him to come to his own conclusions.
"It is something akin to guilt," Sai answered, "From what I have deciphered from reading anyway…and it would make sense."
Ino merely nodded, and in response to Sai's lost look, she knew that it was now her time to guide him towards some resolution.
Ino touched Sai's arm for a moment, then as she could not check the impulse any longer. "I wouldn't think that Shin meant for you to suppress your feelings forever," Ino surmised, "When he said that to you, it was to prepare you for a future where you remained in the root…but you are free, now."
Finally, Sai turned to face Ino as he missed the feel of her touch. He had an open expression despite himself and thought for a moment, for although her words were logical, Sai found it hard to shake off the guilt.
"It will take time," Ino answered as if reading his mind.
Sai cast his eyes downwards as his arms came to rest on his drawn-up knees. "I suppose I only wish that death didn't have to be the way that Shin was freed from that life."
Ino moved her hand to rest on Sai's arms then. "It was his time," She comforted, "And maybe Shin was too kind-hearted for the root and that it was the best thing for him. Maybe your shared past was a nice way for his short life to end on."
For the first time since they had started speaking, Sai allowed for a small but gentle smile to surface unhindered. "I would like to think so," he hoped.
Ino squeezed Sai's arms then. "I am sure of it," she added before faltering, "I'm sorry if my persistence in your reawakening has contributed to you feeling guilty."
Sai shook his head then as his eyes came up. "Don't be. I don't blame you."
Ino smiled sadly. "I would rather that than you blame yourself."
Her earnest words and purity of expression served for Sai to impulsively bend down and brush his lips against the back of her hand before pressing his forehead there.
Ino instantly coloured but remained still as Sai rested against her. After some time, Ino silently understood that he was now craving her physical attention when he did not move away. She urgently shuffled forward in response and gathered Sai against her chest. Sai wholeheartedly accepted the embrace as he curled into her. The shelter of Ino's arms and the beating of her heart was like a balm that healed Sai's raw state after revisiting his tortured childhood. The pair sat silently on a row of grass between the planted flowers and were hidden from view. They merely clung to each other in their growing closeness after such a vulnerable exchange. Sai was glad that Ino could not see his face, for, without warning, tears slipped from his eyes. Ino heard the stuttering breathing but did not comment as she rested her cheek atop his head, and her hold tightened. She wondered if Shin could see them now. Ino silently vowed to the sky then that she would take over so Shin could rest. She would be Sai's only family until they all met again.
The End