FEAR IS THE ENEMY
from Sisters in Sanity by Gayle Forman
I'm Virginia Larson, also known as V, and I never had a place to call home. My father was an UN diplomat and since I am able to remember, my parents and I used to move a lot from one country to another, every one or two years. I did go to school, I also learned how to speak Spanish, French and German. I was smart then. I am an only child, but I made some friends around the world, but every time I moved out I lost touch, because I was never the kind of person who doesn't maintain distant contact, I like real relationships. I also lived in places like Ghana or Sri Lanka. My father's last position was Bagdá, so mom and I stayed in Manhattan because it was a very dangerous place to live in.
Of course I feared my father's death. I had a good relationship with my family, my mom was a full-time home-maker, she really enjoyed baking to me. Breakfast was always ready when I woke up, sometimes I used to help my mom with dinner, but my favorite part was preparing and mostly enjoying the dessert. My dad spent the whole day in the american embassy or visiting fieldworks, he used to arrive for dinner, to have the meal with mom and I. When I was a little kid, he used to put me to bed and read some books for me with mom. When I grew up, we watched some movies or played board games. Sometimes I wanted to stay alone in my room and leave my parents alone, or be left alone by them.
So, as soon as he knew about his new position, I moved to Manhattan with my mom. It was weird just the two of us, but I started going to school again and my dad used to call once a week. I still missed him a lot, our apartment was across from Central Park, I wondered if my dad would like to go jogging on Sunday mornings, when the sun was rising. I used to join him sometimes when we lived in other places, mom was from team yoga. Every week, I had the fear that dad was not calling from Bagdá because he was dead, until one day he called and told us that the UN sent him back home, which now meant Manhattan.
He came and it was wonderful to have him at home again. Two weeks after his arrival, my mom and dad went to Connecticut to visit my grandparents. I was home studying because I had a test on Monday. When I was about to fall asleep, I got a phone call that a drunk driver hit his car with my parents'. My mom didn't have any scratches, but my dad died from the impact of the accident. I couldn't describe what grief feels like. I kind of lost my mind, so did mom. It was harder than we thought it could be. I missed dad a lot, I spent a long time waking up in mornings believing he was alive and everyday it was like losing him again and again. Every single day.
I felt that my world was falling apart and I thought I wouldn't be able to stand up. I started to be afraid of walking in streets and being hit by a car, bitten by a dog or even electrocuted by a light situation came to a point that I didn't even leave my apartment, not even for school. I started to imagine any tragedy everywhere, in the most improbable places. Mom was very worried about me, she was already suffering from grief and watching me suffer was too much for her. She didn't know what to do and there was no doubt I needed some help.
On my days in my apartment, I used to read magazines to distract myself a little. The most I liked was LifeStyle. On the last pages of it, there was an announcement of a place called Red Rock, it looked like an especial school, a treatment residential center, something like that. I tried to search for it on the internet but I found nothing relevant, but I was tempted to go there and get help. I shared it with my mom.
"Check this ad out"
"What is it?" asked mom.
"Well, it looks like a treatment residential center, I believe that if I go there they can help me"
"Honey, I know you are suffering and I am also suffering from watching you suffer. All that I want in this world is for you to be happy"
"I know, mom"
"I am feeling with my hands tied, I don't know what to do, but if you want to go I support you"
"Thanks, mom. I love you"
"I love you too, dear"
When I got to the treatment center, it was nothing that I had expected. At first, the building looked badly kept, situated in the middle of the desert in Arizona state, on the way to Utah. If mom was with me, I was sure she would not let me in. Dr. Clayton, the therapist, looked very serious but sometimes showed a sarcastic look, she diagnosed me with suicidal tendencies and then I saw myself locked into solitaire. The center's system was based on levels from 1 to 6 and rewards. On level one I'd spend my time locked into a solitaire, would have my meals and school reports, I would just leave for bathroom and individual therapy sessions; on level 2 I'd leave the room for collective meals and collective therapy sessions, I was also allowed to receive letters from family; on level 3 I'd share a room, go to classes and exchange letters; on 4 I could use makeup and answer phone calls from people approved by the team; level 5 I could get family visit and join tours in town; level 6, the highest, I could leave the campus, lead therapy groups and supervise new girls, I'd win rewards if I report other girls' infractions. When I finish it all, I could go back home.
I was in Level 1. The Red Rock was a boarding school for girls who couldn't be controlled by their parents, they were sent there to be "saved", it was very funny at all because I chose to be in this place. As the days have passed, I realized how hostile and oppressive it was, it started to bother me being watched all the time. There was a Confrontative Therapy where the girls stood in a circle while there was only one in the middle receiving the worst insults to deal with her own problems, it was commanded by the Sheriff, the director, also cruel who got fun with girls telling insults to each other. When I reached level 3 there was also Physical Therapy, where the girls spent four hours under the sun, in the desert yard, stacking concrete blocks, I realized that the girls could talk freeler there. I soon started to join Environmental Therapy, walking 15 kilometers in the mountains, also commanded by the inflexible Sheriff.
Despite it all, despite all the hard work and standing by the girls who watch me all the time, ready to report any blunder of me, I started to feel safe after six months. I didn't have any fear of an accident happening to me, I started to get used to the system, I soon went up the levels. I accomplished level 5 when I completed a year in that place, I didn't miss the busy streets and busy lives of Manhattan. I was allowed to participate in Familiar Intensive, where girls with good behavior were selected to get visited by their parents, in an one hour tour. The interns also stayed in the hotel with their parents, enjoying the TV and the pool. I didn't have good behavior, so I was never selected, at least I could exchange letters with mom. It was hard to deal with girls of all kinds. When a girl becomes 18 years old, she is free to go home. I was now 18, the therapist said I was free to go but I felt safe there and just continued to be there. Mom wanted me to be safe, even if it's to be far away from home, she knows if I'm home, I would suffer and miss dad again. Now in this bitter place, I'd accepted that he was gone forever. I got a letter from mommy.
Happy birthday to you, sweetheart. I miss you very much. It has been sad spending my days alone in the apartment, but I know you're there to get better. It was not easy to accept that you will complete the program even if you are 18 now. God knows how I wish you were at home, but your wish is my command, my lady. Miss you a lot.
Yours,
Mom.
For almost a year and a half, I got to level 6 and could enjoy all privileges of being in that position. Suddenly, I saw a new girl in Red Rock stacking concrete blocks. She was dark-haired with pink locks, some tattoos and had a band. Maybe she was a rebel, she called my attention. I saw her talking to a girl called Bebe, a valley girl, who I already talked to a little, who was screaming that the new girl was the new Cinderela.
"I was diagnosed with some oppositional disorder I don't know what" said her.
"Oppositional defiant disorder" I corrected, interrupting the conversation. "Everyone who gets in receives this diagnostic. It's protocol. Why are you here?"
"I have no idea. I'm Brit by the way"
I took a deep breath and started.
"Okay, new girl. I think it's time for a Red Rock intensive. All interns belong to a level. There are ones who do drugs, deviating sexual behavior, including nymphos and lesbos, like Cassie over there, she is here for 'gay treatment'. Bebe is here for 'bitch treatment', because someone caught her doing it with the pool cleaner".
"Actually it was not like that, Virginia. Someone caught me doing it with the mexican who cleans the pool. A transgression unforgivable of social hierarchy "
"Thanks for the explanation, Karl Marx. But please, just call me V"
"V is not a name, cutie. It 's a letter!"
I stared at Bebe and partially closed my eyes, but she kept gossiping about the other girls' demons to the new girl.
"Martha, our roomie over there, she has weight issues"
"Exactly" I moved on. "There's girls who cut themselves, also runaways and thieves. Last but not least, girls with suicidal tendencies"
"Just like our friend Virginia." said Bebe.
"Have you ever tried to kill yourself?" asked Brit.
"Nope. I just wrote some poems about a girl who kills herself. My mom was so terrified that had me admitted here. I'm here for almost a year and a half" I lied about why I was there, I didn't want those girls to think I was weak. I was weak when I arrived there, but as the time passed, I got stronger with the current hostility, insults and spying, because of that I was also rude when talking to other girls. I knew everyone and their issues. I didn't want them to step on me.
"V is for veteran" ironized Bebe.
"No way. V is for "Virginia", "victory"...
I engaged in a bullshit conversation with them, I was trying to figure out what Brit was doing there. However, she seemed so smart, she is not the pattern of girls who are sent here. A few days later, I saw myself spending time with the two girls, and didn't realize when besides them, I was also spending time with two more other girls Cassie and Martha, who we were making gossip before. We made a natural bond among us five.
After a year and a half in that place, I learned how to do things without anyone noticing it. It has been months since I made a copy of a key through a soap mold, and took it with me on my visit to the town. One of the privileges of being in a high level. I finally started to use that master-key to get together with the girls in an office, from one to three a.m. while the guard took a nap. We started to know each other better, why we ended up there. I didn't trust them to tell the truth of why I was there yet. I was afraid of being judged, but with them I felt safer and safer. I told them how to smuggle letters to people who are not family, there were some girls who I trusted to take the letters to a post office in town, who would not ask much. I also could do that because I was a level 6. I even smuggled a letter for Brit, the new girl. She wanted it to be delivered for some guy who she had a crush on, I think his name was Jed.
On Christmas, I insisted that we all should exchange presents, even if they were not able to go shopping. On Christmas Eve we met at the office again. Bebe started with the presents.
"Well, ladies. It is not a salon parlor party but that's all we got" she dropped free spa samples that her mother sent to her: moisturising, salt bath, make ups, hair products…
Cassie brought a big Hershey's chocolate bar.
"Here did you get it?" I asked enthusiastically.
"My parents brought me when they have visited me"
"But it was months ago!"
"In september. But I'm sure it is still delicious. Chocolate lasts forever, doesn't it?"
"Why do you still have that? If I were you I would have eaten in a minute" Brit said.
"I was keeping it for a special occasion… like this one".
We attacked the bar, ripping the wrapping paper and we suddenly stopped to appreciate the sweet smelling of cocoa. We pushed it down into our throats. Martha made a drawing of each of us in a piece of paper, we were all dressed like superheroes.
"Because you all are like… my superheroes"
We shut up emotioned, with tears ready to slip over our faces.
"You're such an artist, cutie!" said Bebe
"They are gorgeous, Martha" commented Cassie
"A toast of chocolate for our little Martha" I proposed.
"Thanks, Martha" Brit hugged her.
My present I actually wasn't able to give, I told the girls that on my last visit to town I went to the movie theater. In the restroom two women, two ex-employees, saw me dressing in Red Rock's uniform and offered to help me escape for a night if I wanted to, or contact someone. We negotiated it and I got the deal for the girls, one night free for each of my friends.
"That's dangerous, V" said Martha.
"I like living in danger" I said, as I was not afraid of death anymore, I started to try risky things because the girls made me feel like everything was ending fine. Brit composed a song and sang for us, it talked about human monsters, like Dr. Clayton and the Sheriff, we were damsels in trouble but we found support in each other, to stay strong and keep fighting.
One day, Brit ran to me and said she wanted to use the free night pass as soon as she got a letter from that boy she had a crush on. She wanted to see him and her friends who would come to St. George, Utah to perform a gig. I planned everything for her to escape, the rest of our friends also helped. On the next day, the director received an anonymous call that a girl from the boarding school was seen in town, I heard him talking on the phone while I was going to have my breakfast. I know Brit and I know she would yellow. They obliged every intern to go to the yard of stacking concrete blocks, I ran to Brit and told her to keep silent and don't say anything. The Sheriff started his speech and intimidated everyone to confess, if no one said anything he would downgrade every girl for one level or two. Everyone was starting to freak out and get desperate, when I suddenly took a long breath and opened my mouth.
"It was me"
I was taken to the solitaire and was on level one again. I did it because Brit was my friend, she was smart and didn't deserve to be there. I would do it for every friend of mine. Friends. I finally had real friends. I never felt like they made me feel. It was like they were my sisters. One night, Brit came in the middle of the night and freed me a few hours from solitaire, we would meet our other friends in the office, she didn't tell me why. When we all were there, she told us that Martha was in comatose, because she was forced too much during environmental therapy.
After days locked I didn't know what was going on, but I felt pity for Martha just like my friends. Brit suddenly freaked out because of our whining and showed protest against the Sheriff and Dr. Clayton's oppression, against the system. She demonstrated fearlessness, she wanted to close down Red Rock, but she didn't have a plan yet, but she would do it anyways. A few days later, Martha was discharged from hospital, came to pack her things and go home. They freed me from solitaire to say goodbye in the parking lot with the rest of my friends.
"Thanks, V. So is it all good between you and Brit? I mean… you are not mad with each other anymore?"
"Crap!" Bebe let it out.
Cassie's eyes popped and covered her mouth with both hands.
"Brit and I? Mad with each other?" I asked in surprise. How come? "Or… is it just Brit who is mad at me?" I shoot at her with my eyes wondering what the hell was going on? Why was she mad at me? I saved her from trouble!
Brit swallowed hard.
"Gosh! I said bullshit like always. Sorry. Don't argue because of me, right? It makes me sad…"
"All right, Martha. Don't worry" I tranquilized her in a hug.
"I want to see you all as soon as possible… you will be in charge of it. Right, Brit?"
"Absolutely" answered Brit.
The other night, we met again in the office. Brit planned to contact a journalist presenting evidence from the Sheriff's past, cataloged diagnoses of all interns… all kinds of evidence.
"Cassie, you should discover what is behind all the girls' internment. Be careful, you're about to leave this horrible place. I don't want you to get back to level one".
"Leave it to me. Don't worry" guaranteed Cassie.
"Bebe, you'll search how many girls had accidents just like Martha's"
"I will break my own leg if necessary to get into the nursing ward" said Bebe confidently.
"V, you will be in charge of the most difficult responsibility. Do you think you can make a survey of the staff's curriculum? To find out how many don't even have the qualifications requested to lead therapy and prescribe medicines." Brit commanded
"I can do this in five seconds." I rolled my eyes. "Isn't there anything else I can do?".
"Uh… yes. The insurance stuff. If we can prove that Red Rock 'heals' the interns, as soon as the insurance ceases covering costs, and the parents do not own money to keep the payment, it would strengthen our cause."
"Deal. About you? What are you gonna do?" I asked.
"I will get in Clayton's room to get out files and compare notes taken. To check if she and others are making up things. I will also access the internet, or request Jed to, and try to find ex-interns who feel comfortable in sharing their horror stories. I bet there's a lot of them around the country, willing to open their mouths about this place."
"Isn't it dangerous, Brit?" Bebe asked apprehensively.
Brit suddenly started a self confidence speech because Red Rock didn't have a great service, the staff were lazy, there was only one sleepy night guard. It has been almost a year since we met at the office and no one suspected, besides someone discovered Brit's runway at night just because someone had snitched her. The greatest barriers were not locked doors, alarms or cameras, but our own fear. I was always sure Brit was smart. Bebe and Cassie listened carefully, looking not convinced, so I interrupted her, proudly.
"Congratulations, Brit. You found out the biggest secret of this place." I knew it! I looked at her with sad eyes because I spent all this time in my comfort zone. Used to the oppressive system, not feeling strong enough to fight until she had encouraged us.
"Did I?"
"You did. Remember what Roosevelt once said: 'The only thing we should fear is our own fear'"
We started collecting evidence. In another meeting Cassie told she almost got caught, but she had accomplished her task. Bebe and I also got the info requested, there was just Brit's missing.
"When will you get our files?" I asked.
"Tonight"
"You said the same thing last night."
"I know, but my roomie didn't want to fall asleep"
"Do you want me to do it?" I offered myself.
"No, V. I can do it"
"So don't take too long. It was you who encouraged us. Won't you step back now, right?"
"Tomorrow, I will have our files in hand." Brit guaranteed me.
I couldn't sleep that night, I had the feeling like something bad would happen. What if Brit gets caught? I wanted to leave that damn place. I stood up, my roomie seemed to have sweet dreams, so I left the room. Took the master-key hidden in the plant vase next to Dr. Clayton's office, unlocked the door and hid the key in my shoes. I got in. I started to look for our files when the light was turned on and the Sheriff was behind me. I was caught. I was on level one again. Back to the solitaire. After I was interrogated I hid the key back to its place. The next morning, I left the solitaire to use the bathroom, and I was escorted. I saw Bebe entering. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone, so I hid in the cabin beside hers, to tell what had happened.
"Can you tell Brit 'I'm sorry'?
Bebe whispered.
"Sure."
A few days later, in the morning, I heard a familiar voice outside the solitaire.
"I want to talk to Virginia" it was Brit.
When she was getting in, I already started to apologize myself.
"I should stop the habit of doing favors to you" I tried to smile a little.
"Yep. It screwed up again, right?"
"I am sorry. It was my fault. I thought everyone was gone, but the Sheriff was there, just waiting for me."
"Don't worry. I got the files."
"Did you? How?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Did you read my file?" I asked, scared.
"No. But, accidentally, I saw something. You're 18. Why are you still here?"
"Did you just see my date's birth?"
"Yes, why? What is else in the file? Something that explains why are you still here? Justly you, who hates this place so much?"
I resisted.
"Open yourself to me." She begged.
Then I fell apart. With tears rolling down my face, I told why I actually was there, I told all my father's stuff, my fear of death. Also, I said that Dr. Clayton thought I was ready to go home, but I didn't want to because I was afraid of dying. That was also why I confessed something I didn't do, to go to level one, to not go home but it was also because of Brit. I didn't have anything to lose at all. She comforted me, held my hand and hugged me. And suddenly, I felt safe, I felt like there was nothing to fear.
"The most bizarre of all. I hate everything they do to smart girls, who are sent here, like you were. This place is comfortable to me, you know? I know exactly what to hate, what to wait for." I finished. "Did you read your file?"
She told me when she read her file, she found out a letter of her mother, who was schizophrenic and was lost somewhere in Washington state. She left home not being full of her faculties and was missing since then.
"V, what if I end up like her?" asked Brit.
"If you will, that's all, it's done. One day it will show up. Until it happens, live your life. Or you keep hiding yourself or you move on" I advised her.
She kept silent for a minute, when she announced.
"Well, maybe is time for you hear your own advice"
I lifted my head and stared at her.
"Can be."
I didn't know what had occurred for the next two weeks. One night I was woken up by a stranger. The door was unlocked and the stranger said it was a police raid.
"Don't worry you're safe. Get your belongings and go to the parking lot. Give your name to agent Jenkins." said the cop who freed me.
I followed through the hallways as the cop told me to do so and got to the parking lot. When I was out of the Red Rock's building I kind of lost my head. Was I free? Was I actually free? Would I be told to get back inside? I couldn't believe I was outside and free. I saw my friends and ran to them, I hugged them. We saw Brit and we ran into her euphoric.
"Holly shit, ladies, I can't believe this!" Bebe was shouting happy. "We are getting the hell out of here!"
"That's so me… I was one week from leaving here with my own legs! Anyway, I'm happy for you girls." Cassie said in a laugh.
A girl brought the journalist's article for us to read, written from the evidence we collected. I stared at Brit with a grateful look, with my eyes full of tears. Although, my mouth wasn't able to say a word, I was like: 'You did it? We did it? How did we do it? I know that she realized I was a little afraid, there was a concern in her eyes. What if I go home and all of that starts again? What if I make my mother suffer again? There were all uncertainties.
At around noon, I saw Brit's father coming out of the blue and hugging her, and suddenly a boy showed up and started running into her direction. It must be such Jed. She also started running into him, they got involved in a hug and loved kissing. The girls and I started screaming, with applause and whistling as if we were watching a romantic movie.
At sunset, my mother came and picked me up, she started to cry as soon as she set eyes on me, she absolutely was aware of everything. We hugged each other tight and we both started crying.
"I'm sorry, honey. I should have investigated this place before sending you here"
"It is not your fault, mom. It was I who chose to be here"
We remained there in a hug, in the middle of the crowd for minutes.
When we were back to Manhattan, my room was exactly as it looked before I left it. I wanted a fresh start, a new beginning. Mom helped me change the places of the furniture and paint my room with a brand new color. It was cleaner and brought a happy vibe to the place, I was getting better. I had a picnic with mom at Central Park, it was nice seeing green and new, different people. We even adopted a dog, I always wanted to, but as I never had a place to call home I couldn't, because we could move out from an hour to another. Now I was home, I finally could call that place home, and there was nothing left to fear. I started to plan trips abroad, an exchange maybe, my first trip was to the Grand Canyon National Park where I'd meet my sisters. Funny, it was near to Red Rock. When I got there, Martha, Bebe and Cassie were already enjoying the view. As soon as they saw me, they smiled and welcomed me in a warm hug. A few minutes later, we joined in a conversation and saw Brit coming from the trail, she came running into our direction.