[A typical theater stage, complete with limelight and red curtain. Cricket Gree, clad in a tuxedo and top hat (but still no shoes) steps out into the foreground.]
CRICKET: Good evening, Ladies and Germs. Heh heh. See what I did there? I said "germs" instead of "gentlemen." I subverted your expectations. That's what we in the industry like to call "comedy".
[Tilly Green, clad similarly, pokes her head out from offscreen]
TILLY: You're ruining the illusion, Cricket. You're gonna throw the viewers out of the story. In all my decades in the theater, I've never seen such unprofessionalism.
CRICKET: What are you talking about? You're barely a year older'n I am!
TILLY: In this life. *smirk*
[Remy Remmington walks on from Stage Right]
REMY: This production's going off the rails and we've just started! We gotta get it back on track or we'll lose the audience to another rerun of The Noisy Domicile!
CRICKET: Yikes! We can't have that! I need attention 24/7! Quick, get off the stage, we gotta do this right! [The other two kids hurry offstage] Go, go go!
[Once again onstage alone, Cricket continues his introduction]
Cricket: Tonight, we bring you a chilling tale of science run amok! A tale we like to call…
*TITLE SCREEN*
THERE'S SOMETHING ON YOUR FACE
"Picture if you will, one Gloria Sato. …really? That's her last name? I had no idea. I thought it was Coffeelady. Anyway… *clearing throat* A young woman down on her – Young? We're kinda stretching the definition here. She's what, sixty? Sixty-one?"
GLORIA (offscreen): I'M TWENTY-THREE!
"In what, dog years?"
GLORIA: Grrrrr…
"Wooo, touch-ee! Excuse me then. A young – you can't see it but I'm doin' those finger-quotes here – woman down on her luck. Between jobs, forced to live off the kindness of a certain family and their young, handsome, brilliant son…"
TILLY (offscreen): Rope it in, brother.
[The scene shifts to the interior of the Green household as we shift to prose]
It was yet another morning at the Green household. The Greens were sitting down to breakfast. As we join them, a yawning Gloria is about to do the same.
"Good morning, Gloria," Bill Green said cheerfully.
"What's left of it," Alice Green added sourly. "You city folk would sleep the whole day away if you could."
"Ma, give her a break," Bill interjected. "She's actually done a better job of adapting to farm hours than I thought she would."
"I guess," Alice reluctantly conceded. "Not like she's got a ton else to do."
Gloria groaned. "I know, I've had problems holding down a job… not always thanks to my own actions," she emphasized, giving Cricket a glare. "But promise, the second I get something steady, I promise I'll start paying you guys back for your hospitality.
"Oh, you don't have to-" replied Bill.
"Yes she does," Alice immediately contradicted.
"Actually," Gloria continued, helping herself to the last of the pancakes, "I think I finally landed something promising. I'll be editing manuscripts for one of Big City's biggest publishing houses."
"That's great," Bill replied encouragingly. "I assume, anyway. I really have no frame of reference."
"And the best part is, I can work from home! I can do it all from my laptop."
Cricket developed a sudden guilty look. "Your… laptop, you say."
"Yes, it's all done online. I just do the work here and then upload the stuff using the library's free WiFi."
"And you do this on your laptop," Cricket repeated nervously. "Which you need for this."
"…yes…" confirmed Gloria, suspicious. "Why….?"
"Oh… no, uh, reason."
"WHAT DID YOU DO, CRICKET."
"It's no big deal… really, you'll laugh…" pleaded Cricket, but Gloria was already running downstairs to check her laptop.
"Why is my laptop not turning on?" she asked. "And why is it all sticky, and why do my fingers taste like (lick) waffle batter?"
"Well… it's a funny story, really… I was talking with Weezie, and laptops came up and I said you could use one to make waffles, and he said that I couldn't and that I shouldn't, well, what he actually said was 'don't go barkin' in the cat park' but I got the gist of it. So, I bet him I could, and bottom line is, I lost a bet. I also got bit by a hundred flies, chased by a dog, licked by a frog… it was a busy day, really…"
"And you didn't tell me?" Gloria responded angrily, her violet cheeks reddening with anger.
"Well, yeah, because you would've gotten angry at me! And look, now you're angry at me! So in the long run, I was right not to-"
"Cricket, I can't afford a new laptop! I'm flat broke as it is, what with my student loans, and losing the deposit on my apartment, and my streaming subscription… you ever try to cancel one of those? Augh!"
Cricket, at this point, was beginning to realize just how much he'd screwed up. "It's okay. I'll get you a new laptop! What are they, ten dollars? Fifteen? I think I could scrape that together. Or… oooh, I'll make you one! I bet they have all the instructions on the Interwebs! I'll just need to borrow your lapt- …oh, right, that's what the problem is in the first place…"
"No, just… Cricket, I just can't with you right now. I… I have to go. Maybe there's something left that I haven't been fired from…" She departed, too depressed to even finish breakfast.
"Oh, you done messed up bad, boy." Alice scolded. "Them foldy-computers cost hundreds o' dollars, and we just don't have that!"
"I know, I know, and I wanna make it right, but… what can I do? Like, maybe if we knew someone rich who could hire her… wait, I do know someone who can hire her! Someone who owes us!"
"Hmm… actually that could be a good idea. So, I guess you're going to give Mr. Remmi-"
"That's right," interrupted Cricket. "Gwendolyn Zapp! I bet she's got all sorts'o crazy jobs over at Big Tech! Maybe Gloria could be the jetpack tester, or feed the cloned dinosaurs! Anything's possible!"
"Uh, I'm not certain that's a wise Idea, brother," remarked Tilly. "We haven't had the best track record with her."
"Yep," Alice added. "Remember when her crazy car nearly got us all killt?"
"Or her robot tried to take over the farm?" supplied Bill.
"Or the time she tried to rewrite our personalities *cough* withmyhelp * cough*." Tilly continued.
"Oh, Tilly, Tilly, Tilly," Cricket assured condescendingly, "if there's anything I've learned, it's that past events have no bearing on the present."
"That seems more like the opposite of learning, son," Bill replied.
"I disagree!" retorted Cricket. "C'mon, Tilly, let's go get Gloria a job!"
Big Tech
"I'm kind of surprised you were able to see us, Ms. Zapp," Tilly mused as the two sat in the hi-tech CEO/genius inventor's office.
"Of course I was! All CEO's have time to meet with a couple of small children who don't have an appointment for some unspecified favor!" assured Zapp.
"Well, that's reassuring," Cricket stated. "Okay, see, here's the thing… I did a friend of mine a bad, and I need to do a good to make up for it."
"Got waffle batter in her laptop, huh?" guessed Zapp.
"How did you know?" marveled Cricket.
"Geniuses know everything!" the inventor informed.
"Okay, so what I was wondering was… could Gloria have a job with your company?"
"Sure!" Zapp replied cheerfully.
"…just like that?" Tilly asked. "Doesn't there have to be an interview or something beforehand, to see what she qualifies for?"
"Oh, goodness no, that's way too complicated."
"Cool, cool, cool, follow-up question," Cricket continued. "Can she bring in guests on the day she feeds the dinosaurs, 'cuz… I realllly wanna feed me some dinosaurs…"
"Oh, no, I'm afraid there's no opening in that department. The dinosaur-feeding jobs are always filled. Everybody wants to feed the dinosaurs. But we have plenty of openings for guinea pigs!"
Tilly smiled. "I was wrong, dear brother. This was a wonderful idea. Guinea pigs are adorable."
"Uh, Tilly, I don't think that's how it wor-"
"C'mon, Cricket!" prompted Tilly obliviously. "We gotta hurry home so's I can line the basement floor with cedar chips. You know, to absorb the moisture from the, ah, pellets."
"Tilly, they're not gonna turn Gloria into an actual-"
"I wonder what size exercise wheel she's gonna need?"
"…you're not… are you?"
Zapp shook her head. "Project Human Hamster was scrapped last week. There are no current pans to turn humans into rodents.. but anything can change at a moment's notice!"
"Hmmm… maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all..."
"Did I mention it pays a lot?" added Zapp.
"Nope, never mind, I'm always right the first time!" Cricket concluded.
Green Farm
Gloria had returned from a long day of pounding the pavement looking for a new job. The closest she had come was a job spinning one of those cardboard arrows, but after an hour her manager decided to hire a robot instead. Lousy robots and their lack of human needs like bathroom breaks…
Right now all she wanted was to crash in her basement room and pretend the outside world didn't exist for a while. But something told her that was not to be when Cricket eagerly came running up to her. "Gloria!" he called. "Gloria Gloria Gloria!"
"Ugh… Cricket, you are the absolute last person I want to talk to, listen too, look at, or acknowledge the existence of right now."
"Ooooh, trust me, you wanna hear this. I… Cricket Green… have gotten you, Gloria Coffeelady…"
"For the last time, my last name is Sato…"
Ignoring her, Cricket continued "A new job at… wait for it… Big Tech!"
Gloria perked. "Seriously? Big Tech? The biggest, highest-paying corporation in Big City? And you got me a job there?"
"That's right!"
"…wait a minute… shouldn't there be some kind of interview process? I mean, I'm not exactly qualified to do most of the jobs there. I was an art major, for cryin' out loud! You'd think they'd want to know what I can actually do before they hired me."
"Nah, it's cool, Gwendolyn Zapp told me it weren't a problem."
"Gwendolyn Z- THE Gwendolyn Zapp? You know her?"
"Oh, heck yeah, we go way back."
"Wow… Big Tech. This is gonna look so good on my resume… so, is this, like, a gofer position?"
"It's… kinda in the same family as a gopher?" Cricket reasoned.
"Oh my gosh.. thank you Cricket!" Gloria gushed, giving the small boy a hug.
"Uh… did I do a good, then?"
"You did a great, Cricket. Oh, my gosh, I gotta go see if my make-a-good-impression outfit is in good shape!" She rushed downstairs.
"Uh, Tilly?"
"Yes, Gloria?"
"Why are you covering the floor with wood chips?"
"Just a precaution."
A.N.: So, my first Big City Greens fic. I've really grown to love this underrated slice-of-life show, and it doesn't get nearly enough love… ff dot net doesn't even have a dedicated category for it yet! So, I'm pretty prepared for this to not get a lot of reviews, but y'all can feel free to prove me wrong!
Next: What does Zapp have in store for our plucky ex-barista? Let's just say it related to a certain anatomical peculiarity related to the people on this show…