You speak to me
And I listen
Like your words are curing me
I know I wandered far
Until I couldn't see
You're that I need

I will find my
I will find my way back

Cody Fry

Olivia can't sleep.

She has been tossing and turning all night since Elliot called her, the memory of tonight's intervention playing in her mind. It was only three words. Three words powerful enough to knock the air from her body, paralysing her with shock and leaving her speechless.

I love you.

Twelve years. Twelve years she spent loving that man in silence, accepting that she would always love him, alone. Never did Olivia expect Elliot to ever return her feelings, let alone confess them in front of his family.

I love you.

His public confession happened hours ago. Amid her anxiety and exhaustion, Olivia is sure she must have dreamt it, the illusion of his love a result of too many early mornings starts and overnights at the office. Then she remembers the way her heart accelerated when the words slipped from his lips, like gentle wings fluttering in her chest.

I love you.

Suddenly, the blanket feels too hot and heavy, the gravity of Elliot's confession and what it means weighing down on her chest like mountains of sand, suffocating. Olivia inhales sharply. Breathe.

Her phone buzzes, grabbing her attention. Elliot's name flashes on her screen.

You awake?

Olivia rolls over and reaches for her phone, leaning on her shoulder. She goes to type, then hesitates. She ignored his earlier call for a reason. She isn't sure if tonight actually happened, or a misperception on her part, exhaustion and desperation distorting her memory to make her believe what she wants to be true. Olivia isn't sure which option she is more scared of. All she knows is that she isn't ready to face this now.

Olivia is just about to chuck her phone aside and roll back over when it buzzes again.

Please Liv…I need to see you.

Olivia swallows, her heart thudding in her chest and drumming in her ears. She stares at the message until her phone dims black. Olivia takes a steady breath, then,

I'm here Elliot. Where do you want to meet?

Images flash through her mind. The Café house. The bottom of the steps outside her apartment building. Elliot's car. Places where they were most intimate. Her phone buzzes again.

Can you come to mine?

Olivia knows this is a bad idea. A chill runs through her body as she slowly sits up, her gut telling her that this will only lead to pain. Yet her heart aches for him, yearning pulling her out of her bed, into her clothes and out the door.

…

His apartment is cold and damp when she steps inside. Olivia surveys the wide-open spaces and tile floors, most of which is bathed in darkness, except for the kitchen bar where his laptop sits open under the dim lights. Olivia eyes the dirty coffee mug and half eaten sandwich and knows he hasn't slept a wink tonight.

It feels wrong to be in Elliot's apartment in the middle of the night, alone with him. He's invited her into his private space, and it feels too intimate. Olivia shivers and folds her arms, hugging herself protectively. She isn't sure if she is guarding herself from the chill in the air or the chill in her heart, pulsing anxiety throughout her body.

To her surprise, Elliot speaks first. "I'm sorry Liv."

Olivia startles, whirling around to face her former partner. She isn't sure what to say.

"With how I responded tonight," Elliot continues after her silence, his voice deep with emotion. "I shouldn't have walked out on you and the family like that, after everything Kathleen did to organise this. I know you were all trying to help-"

"Elliot, it's fine." Olivia cuts him off, shaking her head to the side to dismiss his concerns. "I know you didn't mean anything by it. I was worried when Kathleen spoke to me. But maybe it wasn't my place to intervene. You were right, you didn't ask for me to come-"

"You're wrong Liv. I didn't ask for you. But I…I needed to see you anyway."

Olivia's breath stops sort. Her eyes bloom with surprise, sure that she had misheard him. She sees his eyes softening with sincerity.

Elliot watches the shock wash over Olivia's features, stunning her into silence. He feels the tension start to thicken between them with all that is unsaid, just like it did earlier tonight when he confessed what had been sitting on his chest and burning at the front of his mind for the past twenty-two years.

I love you…

Elliot remembers how he felt tonight when he was with Liv, caught in her presence, sucking him in completely. The steady tone and compassion in her words had grounded him for a moment, haltering the storm inside him.

Elliot, what do you need from us?

In that moment, he had forgotten where they were and who he was. It was like they were sitting in the car back in the days, talking like they used to. In that moment, he believed he could come through.

Suddenly, Elliot thinks of Kathy buried six feet under. The weight of his guilt almost crushes his chest.

It's all too much.

Elliot draws in a long breath and blows it out slowly, trying to release some of the tension and weight. His jaw tenses and Olivia's eyes immediately jump to his, concern softening her features.

She murmurs, "Elliot…"

He follows her gaze and can see her eyeing his clenched fist, his fingernails digging prints into his palm. He releases his hands and meets her eyes, her steady gaze anchoring him to the ground, dissolving the tension.

She's silent, but he reads the concern in her eyes and hears her message.

Elliot, talk to me.

"I know you're worried and you have every right to be. I know you want me to talk to you. But …I-I can't." Elliot's voice breaks.

How can he begin to tell her how he feels, when he can barely hold it all together in his head, let alone put it into words?

Elliot lifts his head up and sees that she has stepped towards him, her eyes deepening with compassion. Her look shifts something within him, touching his heart.

"Elliot, you watched your wife die. You are traumatised. Now you're trying to find her killer. No one would expect you to be fine."

"You're right. I'm not fine." Elliot breaths out an incredulous laugh, the emotions building up in his voice. "It's been weeks since I started tracking down Richard and we are no closer to finding out who murdered Kathy."

"Elliot-"

"Her body is lying cold in the ground while her murders are out there-"

"Elliot, stop it. Stop torturing yourself."

Elliot lifted his eyes, grief crumpling his features and breaking in his voice. "I have spent nights going over every detail of that night, trying to find out what I missed. This grief…this-this guilt…I'm drowning Liv. I don't know what to do."

Olivia closes the space between them and embraces him tightly, just as a sob rumbles in his throat. Olivia senses him freezing for a moment, then softening into her embrace, his arms wrapping around her frame. She closes her eyes, feeling the gentle thud of his heart against her chest.

The pain in his voice breaks her heart.

"Elliot, this is not your fault," Olivia says softly into his neck.

Elliot breathes into her scent, laundry powder and a hint of vanilla. His breathing steadies as his body warms to her familiar touch.

Elliot lifts his head up when he speaks. "I wasn't the target. Kathy was."

Olivia pulls back, her eyes blooming with shock. "What?"

"I tracked down a bystander who was there that night and took a photo of the scene. Someone was watching Kathy from the window, possibly her murder, waiting for the bomb to detonate."

Olivia shakes her head slowly, her brows knitting into a frown. "I don't understand…why would anyone want to kill Kathy?"

"That's what I'm still trying to figure out. It feels like whenever I'm one step closer to finding her killer, I get more questions."

Olivia nods slowly, letting the information sink in. Then she takes in the tense lines on his forehead and dark shadows weighing under his eyes. She can almost feel the frustration, rage, grief and sleep deprivation vibrating from his body.

"Elliot, when was the last time you slept?"

Surprise briefly flickers past his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, how long have you been up tonight, trying to find these answers? You have been pushing yourself non-stop. When was the last time you slept?"

Elliot is still taken back at her question. He shakes his head to the side as he tosses the question over in his mind, thinking. "I don't know…I get a few hours a night. Liv, that's not what matters here."

"You hit a car today. You could have died; you could have killed Eli. And that doesn't matter?"

The raw emotion in her voice throws him off. Elliot swallows, the gravity of her words sinking in. He says quietly, "you're right. Okay."

Olivia blinks. She was expecting a fight. "Okay? That's it?"

"You seem surprised."

Olivia raises her eyebrows. "Well, I just…you're usually more stubborn than this."

Elliot's cheeks lifting slightly, and he shrugs. "Well, you're right. And I'm too tired tonight. I'll let you have this one."

Olivia's lips tug into an amused smile. Their eyes connect for a moment, something deeper passing between them.

Something stirs within Elliot's chest, fluttering throughout his body. He can tell she feels it too. He sees it in the tenderness in her eyes and the way her gaze holds his, as if she like him, is taking a mental picture, hoping to hold this moment so she can go back to it during the darker times.

She holds this moment with him as if she too, can hear tonight's disclosure hanging in the air between them, waiting to be acknowledged.

Elliot, tell us what you need.

I love you.

Then Elliot sees her lower her eyes and immediately, the moment shatters. He sees her walls go up with the fold of her arms, guarding her heart once more. Elliot used to witness the moments when his partner would turn her defences on. He remembers her commanding stance and tone, the fearlessness in her eyes when she interrogated perpetrators and the distance she would maintain with those who she was still getting know, even if they were new romantic partners.

Elliot remembers the rare moments when she would bare her heart to him, even if they were only glimpses of Olivia Benson. In the car when she was disclosing the news about her brother, outside the elevator when she shared that she cannot have children and when she was sobbing and pouring her grief into his arms at the hospital, after Sonya Paxton died.

In that moment, Elliot realises just how much he took for granted. The trust she had for him and her unwavering support. The lengths she would go to and the sacrifices she would make for him.

Once again, Elliot hates himself for all the pain he put her through. He wonders if he will ever earn her trust back again.

He watches Olivia reach for her keys in her jacket pocket, preparing to leave.

It would be easy to let her leave. To pretend that his public disclosure of love never happened and act as if it was just a slip of the tongue, while his intentions were to communicate his love for his family.

It would be too easy to brush this under the rug like they had brushed every lingering stare and intimate moment they spent overnights at the office together.

Olivia is offering him that choice with her silence. But he knows she deserves more. She deserves the truth. More than that, Elliot knows that he would do anything to bridge the gap between them and get to her again. He can't let this moment slip away.

Olivia speaks, shattering his thoughts. "Well then, I might leave you to it for tonight."

Elliot hesitates as she goes to turn around. Then, "Liv, wait."

Olivia turns back around and tilts her head to the side.

"I have something-" Elliot stops, losing his words. He takes a steady breath and exhales slowly, squeezing his eyes shut for a brief moment.

Olivia takes a step forward, her voice tender. "Elliot, what is it?"

Elliot meets her gaze. Instantly, the knots in his stomach loosen, reaffirming his decision. "I…I didn't just call you over to talk about Kathy. I wanted to talk about tonight."

Shock blooms in her eyes, realisation gradually washing over her and softening her features. She exhales slowly, letting out a soft "oh."

Hesitation creases Elliot's features, but he pushes on. "Liv, about what I said earlier…when I said I lo-"

"Elliot, you don't have to explain," Olivia cuts him off quickly. She thinks through her words as she speaks. "I understand that we put you on the spot and you're under a lot of stress and still grieving. Nobody thought anything more of what you said."

Elliot is confused for a moment, then he realises. She doesn't believe him. She's not letting herself believe him. She's protecting her heart.

Elliot's voice is tender when he speaks softly. "Liv, I meant what I said."

His words take her breath away. Her eyes are wide, shock stilling her features and silencing her. Elliot steps closer, searching her gaze.

"Liv?"

"Don't." Olivia steps back. She raises her hands then curls her fingers, placing more distance between them.

This isn't what Elliot was expecting. "Liv…I didn't mean to-"

"Elliot, stop." Olivia cuts him off firmly, but he hears a sob shattering in her chest and catching in her throat. "You can't say that." Olivia closes her eyes. "I can't hear this now. Not after all those years." She doesn't say what's hanging in the air.

Not after all those years I spent loving you.

"You became the most important person to me. Then you left without a goodbye. Do you realise what that was like for me, for any of us?"

Elliot is speechless.

Emotions roll through Olivia as she continues, grief trembling in her voice. "All those years you were gone, and I didn't even know if you were alive or dead. I didn't even know if our friendship meant anything to you." She pauses for a moment, the past ten years coming to her mind. Then she says, "You know, you weren't the only one that loss someone they love."

Her last words hit him in the chest, knocking the wind from his body. How could he be so ignorant? Her name falls from his lips, heavy with remorse. "Liv…I had no idea…"

"No, you didn't." Olivia says softy, tears pooling in her eyes. "You missed a lot during those ten years." Olivia squeezes her eyes tight, a few tears trickling down her cheeks.

It all flashes in her mind.

Lewis. Tucker. Simon.

"I needed you. And you left."

She doesn't say it, but they both hear it echoing, hanging thick between the two of them.

You broke my heart.

Olivia takes a steady breath, brushing away her tears. "So please…don't say anything you don't mean. Because I…I don't think I can take that again."

She finishes, a deafening silence hanging in the air.

Elliot is overwhelmed with guilt. He feels like an idiot. How could he not have known? He didn't just break her heart that day he left. He shattered her trust in him and everything their relationship had meant to the two of them. Of course she could not let heart believe him and open herself up to him. She doesn't want to get hurt again.

Elliot's voice is raw with remorse when he finally speaks. "Liv…I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You have to believe me, every day since I left, I picked up at that phone, wanting to call you, wanting to explain. Yet every time I knew I couldn't…I knew if I heard your voice, I…I wouldn't be strong enough to keep it together. I didn't want you to see that."

Olivia lifts her eyes. "See what?"

"See how lost I was without you."

Olivia's eyes widen, barely believing what she heard.

Elliot can see the impact his words are having on her. Her breaths are shallow and slow as she absorbs his words silently. Elliot can see her holding her walls firmly, her eyes glassy with tears but her features strong, trying not to give away her feelings. She's avoiding his gaze.

"Olivia, please," Elliot whispers, wanting more than anything to break down her walls. "Talk to me."

Olivia lowers her eyes and shakes her head to the side, as if struggling to find the words. "I don't know what you want me to say."

"Tell me I can make this right," he says firmly. "Tell me what you need from me."

Olivia takes a steady breath as she meets his eyes. "That's the thing…for now I-I don't know."

Her uncertainty cuts deep into his heart.

It is as if Elliot can see her pushing him further away with every passing breath.

He can't bear to lose her again.

Elliot reaches for her hands, stirring a startled gasp from her that jumps in her chest. Her hands are cold in his hold. "Liv please…I can't lose you too."

Olivia's heart flutters under his touch, like a leaf caught in a storm. She doesn't know what to say. She searches his eyes, curious, trying to work out his intentions.

Elliot saves her the time.

He closes the space between them and brushes his lips against hers. The kiss is chaste and gentle. It barely lasts a few seconds, but long enough for his lips to part hers, drawing in her kiss. His kiss is strong enough to take her breath away.

When Elliot pulls back, he sees that her eyes are closed, her chest rising and falling with her heavy breaths. A hint of a flush creeps up her cheeks.

Olivia's eyes flutter open, trying to catch her breath and gather her thoughts. She's almost breathless when she speaks. "What was that?"

"I'm scared of losing you Liv. I didn't know how else to get to you."

To his surprise, her lips tug into a small smile, warming her entire features.

Then she brings her mouth back up to his. Elliot responds instantly and Olivia angles her head to the side, deepening the kiss. She can feel his hands releasing hers to skim towards the curve of her waist, igniting a trail of heat wherever they touch. Olivia's hands skim up his arms, one going to cup his cheek, drawing him closer to her.

She drinks him in like she's a parched sailor, starved of water for ten years. She drinks him in like she can get high from his kisses alone, savouring every sensation from the push and pull of his lips, every taste. She can feel his fingers curling into her waist, drawing her body closer to his.

It's twenty-three degrees outside, yet she feels her body radiating with heat. The heat begins to melt down her walls and thaws the frost shielding her heart, drawing her closer to him.

Olivia pulls back suddenly, breathless. She's shocked at her audaciousness. Yet she can't stop the smile playing across her features.

He raises his eyebrows at her, questioning, equally surprised. Olivia lifts a shoulder in a small shrug. "I guess I don't want to lose you either."

His cheeks lift into a smile that reaches his eyes. It melts warm into her heart.

They're silent for a moment. Olivia wonders if he like her, wants to hold onto this moment for what it is, before they must unpack what this means for them and Elliot's family.

Olivia bows her head down, feeling the heat of his eyes on her. She knows they will need to talk about it but isn't sure if she can bring herself to do this tonight, not when the memory is still searing in her mind and on her lips.

Olivia can feel him waiting for her, patient, giving her that space to process and allowing her to make the call. Unconsciously, she goes to reach for the keys in her jacket pocket, fiddling with him.

"Elliot, you know we're going to have to talk about this. But…I-I just don't think I can tonight."

Elliot nods, understanding. "You know none of this has to change anything if you don't want it to, right? I know I hurt you. I know I broke your trust." Elliot swallows, guilt flooding his chest once more. I know I don't deserve you. "But I meant what I said about wanting to make this right again."

Olivia nods as she toys with her keys, letting his words skin in. "I know Elliot. I just need time to think about this. Look…I should probably head back now…" Olivia hesitates as she goes to turn towards the door, mentally weighing the decision in her mind. She turns back around and asks, "do you want to walk me out?"

She doesn't miss the smile that cracks across his features.

…

They're silent as they walk out, the chilly air lifting her hair in a flutter and stirring goosebumps across her skin. Olivia shivers into her jacket coat, struggling with the overwhelming urge to want to lean into Elliot to soak up his warmth.

They shared two kisses tonight. He confirmed how he feels towards her. Yet she's still not sure where they stand. Olivia feels like she never will until they properly talk this out.

For the second time tonight, Olivia feels his fingers gently graze hers as he walks by her side. He's inviting her in, equally wanting her touch, but giving her space. Testing the waters. Olivia hooks her fingers around his for a moment, savouring the warmth she feels from his hand. Then she releases him.

They're getting closer to where she parked when Elliot speaks.

"So, who's looking after Noah tonight?"

"He's at a sleep over. Second one this month." Olivia pauses for a moment, then says "I hate it." She glances at him and sees him raise his eyebrows. She continues, "he's growing up too fast. It's like…every time I blink, he's hit another milestone. Soon he won't need me anymore…."

Elliot shakes his head, staring at her with new fondness. "You know that's not true Liv. He'll always need you, even if he doesn't know it himself."

Their eyes connect for a moment and they share a small smile.

They reach her car shortly later, parked along the side of the pavement. Olivia turns around and leans against her door so she's facing Elliot, toying with her keys. Once again, she feels the pressure of tonight weighing on her. Olivia thinks about how she felt when she kissed Elliot. How high she felt, as if he was breathing life into her.

Then she thinks about Kathy, lying cold six feet under. She wants to ask Elliot if they're doing the right thing. She wants to ask him what Kathy would think. But it's not a conversation she can bring herself to have tonight.

"Elliot, I'm going to need time before we talk about this…us. I'll need to talk to Noah too."

Elliot's heart jumps when she says 'us,' as if she's already thinking about their relationship. Her desires to speak to her son first before bringing another man into his life makes him love her more.

"Of course," Elliot responds. "I'll need to talk to Eli, Kathleen and the kids too. Take all the time you need Liv"

Elliot wonders what the rest of his family would think about the two of them seeing each other romantically. Deep down, he wonders if they would be surprised, or perhaps they knew all along.

Olivia suddenly reaches for his hand, passing him a small smile. "Hey, I'm glad you told me tonight."

Elliot's cheeks lift into a small smile and he squeezes her hand. "Yeah?"

Olivia nods. She takes a steady breath and draws in the courage to share what's beating in her chest. "Yeah. I needed to know what you meant. And it's not like I never felt the same way."

Elliot's heart swells at her words, almost bursting with elation. He cans see the impact his reaction and clear smile is having on her as she ducks her head once more.

One question still runs through his mind…felt or feel? He wants to clarify how she feels but knows it will have to wait.

Elliot's thumb ghosts over her knuckles, savouring her touch. Then he runs his hand up her arm and towards her face, until he's cupping her cheek. He feels her leaning into his touch, her eyes closing for a moment.

Olivia opens her eyes and Elliot's eyes find hers, seeking her permission. Olivia's heart skips a beat with anticipation. She tips her chin to her chest in a slight nod.

Elliot leans down, catching her waiting mouth in his.

The kiss is more heated than before. He kisses her like it might be their last. He kisses her like a man who has been loving and waiting for too long, as if he can show her just how much he loves her in that one kiss.

Olivia's mouth responds instantly to the push and pull of his lips. His kiss isn't like the others…it awakens something deep within her, burning through to her core despite the evening chill. She wraps her arms around his neck to hold herself steady as she feels his fingers tangling through her hair. She feels his tongue part her lips to dance with hers, stirring a moan from the base of her throat. Elliot swallows it whole.

Olivia savours every sensation. The way his mouth feels on hers, hot and heavy, flooding her with desire and the overwhelming need to wrap her legs around his and have him buried deep within her. The searing heat radiating from the touch of his fingers to her waist. The firm yet secure weight of his chest, pressing up against hers, filling her senses with his scent, musk and leather. It awakens her body to what she has missed for ten years.

Suddenly, he pulls back. Before Olivia can process the loss of contact, his mouth is on her jaw and then her neck. He trails torturously slow kisses down her neck and to her collarbone, as if his lips are imprinting every inch of her skin into his mind. Olivia tilts her head back when she feels him sucking at the hollow of her neck.

"El…"

"God Olivia…" Elliot finally stops, his nose brushing her neck, breathing in her scent. His breathing is just as ragged as hers. His voice is thick with desire when he whispers into her collarbone, "I don't know how long I can wait."

He can't see her but imagines her amused smile. He feels her fingers trace a path from his jaw and down to the back of his neck, encouraging him to lift his head up.

"Hey, we waited twenty-two years. What's a bit more time?"

Elliot meets her smile with one of his own. He kisses her cheek once more before stepping back to let her leave.

Elliot watches her drive away, her words lingering in his mind.

We waited twenty-two years. What's a bit more time?

He prays they won't have to wait too long.

Please leave a comment, they mean the world to me!

Oh my god can we just celebrate for a moment that Elliot Stabler confessed that he loves Olivia? (I still can't breathe after that episode).

I really hope the writers make the time for Elliot and Olivia to talk. I need Elliot to learn just how much he hurt her and broke her trust. I need him to learn what Olivia has gone through since he left and how much she has grown. Elliot broke her heart and left her. I think Olivia has a right to be angry and work through her feelings with him before they start their relationship. This is what I tried to show in this fic anyway.

Originally this was going to be a one shot, but as you may know, I feel like there is so much more these two need to say and work on. Plus, I really want to write a chapter on Olivia reading the letter and on Elliot and Olivia dancing at Finn's wedding. So I'll leave it open for now.