Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of these fabulous characters. I do however own this story, I wrote it and I do NOTgive permission for anyone to post it anywhere else. If you want to share it post a link.

A/N: This will be at least 40,000 words of angst without any guarantee of a happy ending. You have been warned, read at your own risk.

It was rare in their world for couples to marry or have children before the age of thirty. Not because couples lacked the maturity or the financial security to marry or support a child but because in their world if a person had a soul mate then their soul mate's name wouldn't be revealed to them until the hour of their birth on their thirtieth birthday. Slightly less than half of the population had a soul mates name appear on their birthday and many of those who did considered it more of a curse than a gift. There was no guarantee that you would ever meet your soul mate and national and international databases and registries had done little to improve the situation particularly for those whose soul mate had a common name. As a result parents had tried giving children unusual or multiple Christian names but they then found that the name that appeared on your soul mate's skin may or may not be your legal name but the name you thought of yourself by, so naming a child something ridiculously unique like Kristmas or Krissymas didn't help if you then called the child Chris or Kris or the child rebelled against their unusual name and insisted that everyone else used a derivative to the point that they believed in their soul that the derivative or nickname was their true identity. Sometimes the mark included a middle name, and sometimes not even the person's actual first name if they identified too strongly with a nickname or derivative. It made the search for one's mate very difficult. Some of the more religious or superstitious countries had set up databases but the USA wasn't one of them, though there were several private search sites you could register with, not enough people actually did register with all of them to make it worthwhile a lot of the time.

Sometimes when soul mates did meet one of them was already married or committed to their current relationship and was unwilling to get to know their soul mate. Others left otherwise happy marriages and children to search for their soul mate when a stranger's name appeared on the skin above their heart only to search in vain for someone they never met.

Some people couldn't cope with the fact their spouse or partner had a soul mate, even if they may never meet them and their current relationship fell apart leaving the newly thirty-year-old with no one but empty dreams and the name of a person they might never met. It was no wonder that most people tried to put off making a permanent commitment until after their thirtieth birthday. There were lots of romance novels and lifetime movies written and made about the idea that your soulmate could be someone right under your nose that you'd never considered dating before and as soon as one of you received a mark you formed a perfect relationship and were happy ever after, but it wasn't the reality for most people and many people were relieved not to receive a mark on their thirtieth birthday and to be able to choose for themselves who they spent the rest of their lives with.

-o0o-

Aaron Hotchner and Haley Hotchner nee Brooks were an exception to this custom. They fell in love in high school and married a year after finishing college. They'd decided to put off having children until after their thirtieth birthdays to concentrate on establishing their careers but were otherwise totally committed to each other and both of them believed that if they received soul names at all it would be each others. At first it was easy to ignore something that wouldn't happen for seven years, that seemed almost a lifetime away for the two young newlyweds. But as time passed and the first infatuation of married life wore off doubts crept in. Doubts that neither of them wanted to admit to themselves let alone each other and so they continued to ignore the problem and try to pretend their life was still as carefree and their relationship was still as strong as it had been when they were younger, and if they were a little more clingy and possessive of each other than they used to be, well that was normal wasn't it?

Eventually though they had to face reality, there was no way of stopping time and avoiding it. Aaron was five months older than Haley and his thirtieth birthday was now just days away.

Haley and Aaron tried to enjoy the weekend before Aaron's thirtieth birthday. Haley had thrown him a party with all their friends and her family to distract them from the soul mate issue. Aaron's only living family, his brother Sean, had also been invited but had sent a last minute apology and happy birthday text in lieu of a card or gift.

Aaron was more curious about what would happen on his birthday, than worried. He was sure that if he had a soul mate at all, it would be Haley. He'd fallen in love with her at first sight when they were sixteen and though they'd broken up for a few years while attending college in different parts of the country he hadn't been able to get over her. Had never been able to date another woman without feeling like he was cheating on her, and as soon as they were back home they got back together, every summer only to make the heartbreaking decision that the reasons for not wanting to try to maintain a long distance relationship were still just as valid as they'd always been and they'd reluctantly broken up again. Since their marriage he'd never even looked at another woman in more than a polite or professional way. She was it for him, his ideal of female perfection. He was sure she was the closest thing to a soul mate as he could have.

-o0o-

Haley on the other hand would more accurately describe her feelings about Aaron turning thirty and potentially receiving the name of his soul mate over his heart as being similar to someone waiting for test results to be told whether they had cancer. Up until five years earlier when they were twenty five, she'd had every confidence that she and Aaron were soul mates, the perfect upwardly mobile couple. Aaron would advance from prosecutor to DA on the way to becoming one of the youngest senators in the country, and she would be the perfect politician's wife supporting his agenda with lunches and charity fundraisers, but since he'd ignored her wishes and left the prosecutors' office to join the FBI she hadn't been so sure. Instead of the life she'd planned where Aaron rapidly climbed from prosecutor to DA then potentially judge before running for senator and she could picture them as the perfect couple, since he'd become a federal agent she spent hours every day worried that he would be killed or injured. She couldn't imagine that this was the life fate intended her to have. But if it wasn't then that meant that there was a fifty percent chance that someone else's name would appear over Aaron's heart on his birthday and then she was afraid that her marriage would be over. She loved Aaron, it didn't matter to her whether they were soul mates or not so long as Aaron didn't leave her for someone else.

"Their marriage had only gotten more strained since Aaron accepted his new position at the BAU. She'd hated Aaron being on the front lines in the SWAT team and despised living in Seattle so far from her friends and family, but Aaron had reassured her that it wouldn't be a long term posting so she'd put up with it counting down the days until they moved back to the east coast. Being transferred to Quantico Virginia, close to their families, should've been her dreams come true but Aaron had seemed to become obsessed with his job he did there more than he had ever been before. Haley had even had a couple of nightmares that the words that emerged over Aaron's heart on his thirtieth birthday were 'behavioural analysis unit', and her husband had seen this as a sign he should divorce her to devote all his time and energy towards hunting serial killers. She knew that it was ridiculous, the BAU didn't have a heart or a soul and there had never in recorded history been anything other than a person's name written as a soul mate, but the nightmares continued.

Haley had become suspicious of Aaron's female work mates, often visiting him at work with a picnic for two or for his entire team so she could watch and see who he was paying too much attention to. She hadn't been able to discern any particular interest in any of them but Jennifer Jareau was a beautiful young woman and intelligent too, Haley was afraid that she was just Aaron's type.

Haley deliberately hadn't invited his colleagues to his birthday party and she knew that Aaron was disappointed in her for that. But she couldn't bear having to share him with them, it was bad enough that sooner or later his phone would ring and he'd rush out the door to join them on their next quest for justice. Aaron had told her that he was on leave until the day after his birthday but she knew that didn't mean much. He'd been on leave before when an urgent case would come up and the team would call him and he'd be out the door apologies on his lips but bag in hand anyway.

Aaron tried to enjoy his party but it was a little difficult. Haley had invited all of her friends and their partners and the few joint friends he'd kept in touch with since leaving the prosecutors' office as well as her family, but hadn't bothered to invite any of his personal friends from college or the FBI. He was more than happy to see Haley's sister, he and Jessica had been friends since they were teenagers, but her parents had never approved of his marrying their daughter and Roy had made a point of telling him at the start of the night that he hoped that he was not Haley's soul mate and she would see what a mistake she had made once the name of a better man appeared over her heart.

Aaron flinched, while he was resigned to the fact there was only a fifty percent chance a name would appear over his heart and expected that if a name appeared it would be Haley's he was well aware that the fact a name didn't appear over his heart wouldn't automatically mean that Haley didn't have a soul mate either, and if he didn't receive her name over his heart, Haley's parents would redouble their efforts to get Haley to leave him, even if she hadn't met her soul mate.

-o0o-

The day of his birthday was spent quietly with Haley. She made him breakfast in bed and they spent the morning making love. Aaron had been born just after eleven o'clock in the morning and as the grandfather clock in the hall chimed, Haley kissed his unmarked chest and lay her head down over his heart. Aaron knew from his research that he wouldn't feel anything as the words appeared, if any did, and that he wouldn't know until Haley moved her head. He was curious but he couldn't deny Haley this moment of togetherness before she faced the truth even though he was sure she had nothing to worry about.

Eventually her jitters and need to know got the better of her and she raised her head hoping to see an unmarked chest since she had convinced herself that Aaron wasn't her soul mate.

There was a name there!

A name that wasn't hers!

Aaron hadn't even looked at his chest to see if there was a name yet, more concerned with watching Haley's face to see her immediate reaction. She wasn't pleased, in fact she looked mightily pissed off. Aaron glanced down, for the first time in his life hoping that his chest didn't bear Haley's name since her reaction was so negative.

"Spencer Reid," Haley read the name bitterly. "Do you know her?"

"No. I don't think I've ever heard the name," Aaron said dismissively.

"Are you going to look her up? Try to find her?" Haley asked.

"No. I'm not. I'm happy with my life as it is," Aaron reassured her.

"What are the chances that you will meet her?" Haley asked.

"You know that statistically, it's slightly less than a fifty percent chance I'll ever meet them but that doesn't mean it will happen anytime soon. It might be forty or fifty years from now and she might be married with six kids or they might be an unsub we go after and I'll have to be responsible for sending them to prison for the rest of their life," Aaron said. He knew Spencer was more commonly a male name though it also wasn't unheard of as a female name, but that it was just as likely to be a man but he didn't want to remind Haley of that. It was bad enough that she was going to be suspicious of every female he met. He didn't want to give her a reason to encourage him not to have male friends either.

Haley gave a small chuckle. "I refuse to believe that your soul mate could be a violent criminal."

Unfortunately, Aaron wasn't so sure. The abuse he'd received from his father as a child was more than enough to cause someone to snap. He knew that with the right trigger he would be capable of violence or barely controlled rage and it wasn't too much of a stretch that the person who was his perfect match would understand and perhaps also possess that capacity for violence and cruelty in the heat of anger. It was equally likely his soul mate would be an agent or local law enforcement officer with a passion for justice or someone who counsels victims of crime but he didn't want Haley to become totally paranoid about him meeting his soul mate every time he left for a case.

Haley pushed off the bed and began to dress. "I'm hungry, shall we go out for lunch? I'll make reservations," she said airily leaving the room.

Aaron sighed, he'd much rather had stayed at home just the two of them but he could understand Haley's motivation. Avoidance, they'd go somewhere crowded or where they'd be likely to meet friends and acquaintances, somewhere there wouldn't be enough privacy to talk about what the name on his chest meant for them. He was concerned by her reaction. Upset and tearful he could have understood, overtly jealous wouldn't have surprised him either but her initial furious anger and now pretence of indifference surprised and worried him, he would've understood if she was using anger to mask her hurt but she didn't seem to be. She was genuinely angry and he wasn't sure why.

-o0o-

After a tense weekend full of tense moments, awful silences and half spoken questions, Aaron was almost glad to return to work and bury himself in normality that Monday to escape the awkwardness of his wife trying too hard to pretend that nothing had changed and the heartbreak in her eyes whenever she looked at his chest even though he had covered the mark in layers of clothing.

Aaron was careful to avoid even looking at the name on his chest. To others it might have meant an opportunity for perfect happiness but to him it meant only a cause of stress in his marriage. He would've much preferred not to receive a mark at all if it wasn't Haley's name. He took to wearing an undershirt at all times, even in bed with his wife. The only time the name was uncovered was to shower and he turned away from the mirror before pulling off his clothes so he wouldn't have to read it.

-o0o-

"What's troubling you Haley? You haven't been yourself in months?" her sister Jessica asked a couple of weeks after Aaron's birthday.

"Aaron turned thirty," Haley said dejectedly.

"Yes, I know that. I was at his party," Jessica said amused, not realising the significance. Neither she herself nor her husband had had a soul mark.

"Aaron has a soul mark on his chest. It isn't my name," Haley said bluntly. "There's somebody out there waiting to meet him, who is Aaron's perfect match, who has the right to be the love of his life, and it isn't me."

"That's ridiculous Haley. Aaron has loved you since the day he met you," Jessica said.

"He's mine Jess. He's the only man I've ever loved. I'm not going to give him up without a fight.

"Haley, less than half of everyone who receives a soul mark will ever find their soulmate. Has he said anything about searching for them?" Jess asked.

"No he promised me that he wouldn't look for her. He said that it doesn't matter to him, he promised that he loves me just as much as he did before. He said that he's happy as he is and that his soulmate won't make any difference, even if he does meet her one day. But how can he know for sure? How can I trust him that we have a future," Haley asked desperately.

"Aaron has never lied to you," Jessica said plainly. "I know that doesn't mean he won't come across her by random chance one day but you can believe he will never actively look for her while he is with you so the chances of him meeting her are probably as low as 10%. I'm honestly shocked that he didn't receive your name, I was certain that you were his soul mate. So was he. He must have been devastated."

"You think that he was more upset by this than I was?" Haley demanded furiously.

"No of course not but he would have been upset by it too. He loves you, in fact I've rarely seen a man more in love with his wife than Aaron is, even among soul-mated pairs. I'm sure you have nothing to worry about even if he does meet her," Jessica said gently.

-o0o-

Life went on but Haley became even more possessive, wanting to control any situation where he might meet new people, demanding he spend all of his off-duty time with her. Aaron indulged her as much as he could, losing contact with his college friends even more than his workload had caused. His best friends had understood, backing off so he could save his marriage and reassuring him that they would still only be a phone call away if he ever needed them. Aaron tried hard not to lose his patience with Haley's insecurity knowing he would probably have felt exactly the same if it had been Haley that had received a soul name other than his own, even if he didn't think he would have reacted the same way.

-o0o-

Aaron had told Haley that he'd be stopping at David Rossi's to visit after work. He'd explained that he wanted some advice from the retired profiler on a case that had gone cold. Haley had said she understood but a couple of hours after he arrived at Dave's, just as they moved from discussing the case to catching up personally and were about to sit down for dinner, Haley rang to check up on him.

"…"

"I told you that I was going to meet up with Dave Rossi to consult on a case, he's invited me to have dinner with him, do you want to say hello?" Aaron asked frowning.

"..."

"No, we're not out at a bar. I'm at Dave's house, he's cooking pasta from scratch. It smells amazing, he said he'd send home leftovers," Aaron replied.

"…"

"No there's nobody else here, it's just the two of us," Aaron said.

"…"

"I'll be home in a couple of hours. I'll see you then. I love you," Aaron said, disconnecting before Haley could say anything else.

"Trouble in paradise?" Rossi asked, pouring each of them another glass of scotch.

"I turned thirty, six weeks ago," Aaron said, throwing it back and holding out his glass to be refilled.

"And I take it Haley's name didn't appear over your heart," Rossi said. "I wouldn't have thought that not being soul mates would make Haley insecure enough to be keeping track of your every move, the two of you have always seemed to have a strong marriage."

"It probably wouldn't except that a soul name did appear it's just not Haley's name, and it's affecting her confidence to know that there is someone else that fate thinks is more suited to me out there somewhere," Aaron admitted.

"And how do you feel about that, Aaron?" Rossi asked, blunt as always.

"Disappointed that it doesn't say Haley," Aaron replied honestly. "I'd rather not have a soul mate at all if it isn't my wife."

"I take it you've told Haley this," Rossi said dryly.

"Yes, every time she's brought it up. It hasn't reassured her, and it isn't helping," Aaron said sighing.

"I take it that you didn't recognise the name. You don't know who she is," Rossi said, pouring more drinks and leaving the bottle next to Aaron.

"I don't even know if it's a she. Spencer is far more common as a boy's name. Haley hasn't realised that, thank heavens she's only fixated on what women I meet," Aaron said. "I don't want to tell her. I'm worried that knowing a man could be my perfect match will cause even more problems with her confidence in my love."

"How do you feel about that possibility?" Dave asked nonjudgmentally.

"I'm committed to Haley so it isn't relevant but I was bisexual so it I can't really say I was shocked by the gender of the name, it was the fact that it wasn't Haley's name shocked me, I thought we were perfect together but Haley didn't seem as surprised. She'd been dreading my birthday for weeks," Aaron admitted.

"Is there a reason she had less confidence in your relationship than you did prior to your birthday?"

Rossi asked.

"I've never given her a reason to doubt my love or commitment. It was as much her decision to wait to have a baby until after we both turned thirty as it was mine," Aaron replied.

"Does Haley know that you're bisexual?" Rossi asked.

"No, the only encounters I've had with a man were one-night stands in college. I couldn't bring myself to be with another woman, it felt too much like cheating even though Haley and I agreed to date other people while we were apart rather than attempt a long-distance relationship. There was no reason to tell Haley about them.

"So, Haley knows you never looked at another woman and thinks that you were stupidly faithful to her," Rossi said smirking. "That's why you don't want her to know that your soul mate might be a man."

"I didn't deliberately mislead her, and I hadn't realised before now that she probably thought that. I'd tell her but I don't want to do or say anything that would increase her lack of confidence in our marriage," Aaron said sighing.

"Have you tried to find your soul mate?" Rossi asked.

"No, I love Haley! I wouldn't want to leave her even if I did know who and where my soul mate was," Aaron said.

"You're not even curious enough to google the name?" Rossi pressed. "I know I wouldn't be able to resist it and it's not as if Haley ever has to know."

"I'd feel like was betraying Haley, and for what. Most people don't have a profile on google and even if I found someone with the right name then there's no way to know if they're the right Spencer Reid," Aaron protested.

Rossi nodded concernedly. He was impressed by Aaron's commitment to his marriage but more than a little worried by the fact that even this didn't seem to be enough for Haley.

-o0o-

The weekend before Haley's thirtieth birthday was much the same as the weekend before Aaron's, they had a big party with all of the same people present, which really drove home to Aaron how little his own party had been about him. The only difference in the guest list was that Sean didn't have to send an apology, this time he hadn't been invited.

Haley was excited about turning thirty, since finding out that she wasn't Aaron's soul mate she'd felt insecure and Aaron wondered if she was hoping that she did have a soul mate of her own since his wife had never been happy about the idea of getting older before. Aaron had no doubt that if a name did appear on the skin over her heart, she would leave him to be with them if it was someone she knew, or if it was a stranger that she would try to find the person even if she didn't leave Aaron. He wouldn't try to stop her if she did and if she left him for her soul mate, he would let her go with a heavy heart and wish her the best.

He watched as she flitted from person to person at her party, acting like she didn't have a care in the world. She seemed calm and confident, unlike at his party where she'd been trying hard to hide her anxiety and emotions. She wasn't clinging to his side this time either, and in fact seemed to find his presence slightly annoying when he was with her.

Haley was born at 3:15 in the morning and wanted to stay up and wait to see if a name appeared. Aaron sat up with her but she didn't feel like talking to him. She'd set an alarm but as the time approached she kept looking down her shirt unable to wait for the time.

The alarm went off and in spite of the fact she'd just finished looking she looked again, double checked the time and then sat holding her shirt out so she would see the first sign of any name appearing. Time passed and she started to cry.

Aaron waited patiently, from where she was sitting he couldn't see her chest which he thought might have been a deliberate decision on her part and his heart hurt a little at her desire to exclude him from this moment. He realised Haley's tears might have meant there wasn't a name or that there was, either his or someone else's. There were numerous rumours of couples where one partner had the name of their soul mate and the other turned thirty without their partner's name appearing, though in most cases it was assumed that the person had just been unlucky enough to fall for a person who had the same name as their real soul mate but was it possible that one person could be perfect for another without that other finding them the perfect match as well? He didn't think so, in fact the last few months had driven home the fact that Haley may not have been his perfect match. He was starting to be afraid that their marriage might be over regardless of whether Haley had found out she had a soul mate or not. Finally, Haley's sobs abated and she looked up at him. "I guess you're stuck with me," she said shakily.

"I don't feel stuck, I'm glad you still want to be with me. There's no one I'd rather be with," Aaron said pulling her close and hugging her firmly but gently.

"Not even your soul mate?" Haley asked disbelievingly.

"I've never met them, I've never even looked for them Haley and I never will. I want to be married to you. I want to have a family with you and grow old with you, to spend the rest of my life loving you," Aaron said earnestly.

"You want to have a baby?" Haley asked.

"I want children, and I feel ready to be a father, but only if you want a baby now. Please don't feel pressured into making a decision while you're still upset about not having a soulmate. Take some time and be sure what you really want to do. I'm happy to wait until you feel ready," Aaron said.

"I think I would like to start trying for a baby soon, give me a few weeks to start taking the vitamins I need and things," Haley agreed.

'A few weeks to get over the disappointment of not having your own soul mate may not be enough,' Aaron thought to himself, but he didn't say anything, relieved that she was planning on making a go of their marriage after what seemed like being stuck in limbo for the last four months.

-o0o-

Over the next few years Haley seemed to calm down and accept that Aaron meant what he said about not wanting or needing to look for his soul mate, she put more effort into making their marriage work they way it did before he'd turned thirty and they started trying to have a family. Unfortunately conceiving a baby turned out to be the easy part of having a child, and Haley suffered several miscarriages at the end of the first trimester. Aaron tried to support her as much as he could, understanding that his own grief at the loss of their child was nowhere near as consuming as Haley's particularly as she'd given up work to decrease her stress levels as soon as she'd fallen pregnant the third time.

A/N: Stay safe everyone, look after each other.