A/N: Shout out to T—I just wanted to tell you that I got your message, and you're so right. Honestly, I've agreed with you for a while now, but didn't know how to say it. Thank you for everything you've done for me. This little declaration is simply to show you how much I appreciate you, hon. Hey, you know who you are, but hit me up when you see this, so that I know we're good ;)
Thank you to Ari (arcane illusions) for looking this over for me and being your crazy supportive self for all time.
Written for multiple challenges on the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry forum.
Assignment #8: Criminology & Forensic Studies: Criminal Profiling
Task #1: Victimology: Write about someone becoming a victim of something. (a crime, a victim of circumstance, be creative)
Disclaimer: J.K Rowling is not a goddess, but her writing is magical, and I can never compare. So, she keeps the characters, the places and her own created world, while I borrow them all every now and then like the pathetic human I am. The plot is all mine though!
Warnings: none.
Word Count: 2163 words
Sirius Black is having a cup of tea with Remus Lupin in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place when his godson walks in.
He's always happy to see Harry, of course, but this time there's the added relief that comes with setting down his cup on the table because despite Remus' best intentions, he really isn't a big fan of chamomile tea. Remus calls it a calming agent, but he personally thinks it's a cupful of piss watered down in the rain with a pinch of good old dirt to give it its tasteful colour. Honestly, any tea that can't be mixed with milk is an abomination.
"Harry, good to see you," he says to the very nervous-looking fifteen-year-old fidgeting by the entrance. It's always good to see his godson; no matter how long it's been since he broke out of Azkaban and found Harry, he will never get enough of looking at him. Tall and strong and in the flesh, so dramatically different from the forbidden memories and nightmares that have haunted him for all these years.
"Ahh, Harry!" Remus says with a pleasant smile, looking up from his own cup. "Come in, come in. Take a chair."
Harry's eyes look troubled behind his thick round glasses, and all that worry seems to be focused on Sirius. The boy hides it well, but not well enough. If Sirius was drunk, he'd be wondering why. However, he is currently sober—a rarity these days for an alcoholic like him—and he thinks he can take a guess.
Still, he is nothing but a veteran in ignoring the issue at hand while also calling attention to it with all the illumination of a spotlight. "Something the matter, kiddo? You don't look so good."
"I'm alright, just had something on my mind," Harry replies, sounding a little hesitant. "I was hoping you both could help me?"
Sirius and Remus exchange a look.
"What is it, Harry?" Remus asks kindly. Sirius hopes a little guiltily that it doesn't involve a need for The Talk, because that is a topic of discussion he'd gladly leave solely to Remus. Hell, maybe Arthur could handle it.
Harry hesitates again, fiddling with the lemon yellow tablecloth and toying with its daisy patterns. "You… you were part of the Marauders, weren't you? With my father. And you did a lot of pranks, right? Fred and George say that you were legends in Hogwarts."
"That is both flattering and correct," Sirius says with a pleased nod. "Good kids, the twins. I like them."
"I think it's more hero-worship than flattery," Harry responds sheepishly, and Remus lets out a quickly cut-off laugh.
"I think I can guess where this is going," he says with a teasing look, and Harry goes red.
"I've never done it before," Harry says in a rush. "I've sneaked out and broken the rules before so many times I can't even count them but I haven't really pulled a prank on anyone and I wouldn't but Umbridge is asking for it, honest—she banned me and the twins from Quidditch for life and took away our brooms, how horrible is that?—and I want to do something but I don't know how to go about it and I'd ask the twins but they do it all the time and I want this one thing for myself but I don't know what to do and I really really need your help."
Sirius and Remus blink.
"… Erm, okay," Remus finally says, "So what I got from what you said is that you want to prank the High Inquisitor of your school but you don't want to approach the twins because you're afraid that they'll take over and you won't feel like it's your idea anymore. Did I get that right?"
"Don't call her that," Harry replies, making a face, "the title is stupid and she doesn't deserve it. And yeah, you got it."
"Well, I agree with Harry there, the woman is a bitch," Sirius chimes in.
"Sirius!" Remus exclaims, "Not in front of Harry!"
"What, never heard the word before, kiddo?" he turns to ask Harry. The boy looks torn between amusement and embarrassment. Not waiting for a response, he addresses Remus. "Her little anti-werewolf legislation has got you broke, Moony! She nearly took away your rights, too. Tell me I'm wrong."
Harry pipes up as Remus resignedly shakes his head. "Hermione told me about that. The Werewolf Regulation Act, right? Something about marriage and family. 'Mione said it's been repealed."
"It has," Sirius says, feeling a little excited now as the prospects of Harry and pranking fully sinks in, "but we can always talk about that later. Let's focus on the prank, eh? Blimey, this is good news, Harry! James would be so proud of his boy," he directs the last part to Remus, feeling the inexplicable urge to tear up. "My godson's getting all grown up!"
Remus rolls his eyes but grins. "And Lily, I bet, would grumble about fathers and sons."
Sirius ignores the pang in his chest that comes from talking about their long-lost best friends and focuses instead on their long-lost best friends' son. Harry's green eyes stare back at him, so like his mother's, and he runs his hand through wild black curls, a carbon copy of James Potter.
"The prank," Sirius mutters. "The prank, the prank, the prank. Whatcha got in mind, kid?"
"Nothing, really," Harry sighs. "I think these things just aren't my forte, or I'd have come up with something already."
"Nonsense," Sirius dismisses him, "you're James Potter's son. You're a Marauder by blood and by inheritance. We just gotta trigger your Marauder side a little to bring out that part of you."
"You still have the map, Harry?" Remus asks.
"In my trunk," Harry responds immediately. "And at Hogwarts, I never go anywhere without it."
"Good," Remus says stoically. Sirius knows him well, however, and he knows that the man is, in fact, pleased and trying to hide it. "Don't lose it; you'll never find another like it."
"I know," Harry says, solemn. "It's invaluable."
"Alright, what do you have in the way of pranking items?" Sirius asks in turn. "Anything good from Zonko's?"
"Can't," Harry shakes his head, "The school's checks are really strict. It's impossible to sneak in any outside products when Filch and Umbridge's squad goes through everything we bring in."
"Owl orders?" Remus questions.
"Mail checks," Harry counters. "They're thorough."
"Damn," Sirius whistles, glancing at Remus with raised brows.
"But," the boy continues, starting to grin, "I do have access to Fred and George's products. They've been creating a whole line of 'em since the summer, and they've been starting to sell them in school. They'll give me what I need."
"The twins are selling?" Sirius asks curiously, "Merlin, I'll have to sit down with them and chat sometime."
Remus takes a sip of his tea. Sirius pretends not to notice, adamantly not looking his way. "What do they have?" the man asks, setting down the cup.
"Um." Harry takes a second to think. "They have this kind of 'get out of class' kit they've been trying to market, but word isn't fully out yet. Fainting Fancies, Fever Fudge, Puking Pastilles. You eat one half of the stick to trigger the reaction, and the second half holds the antidote."
"Ingenious," Remus whispers.
"Then there are Extendable Ears, Canary Creams…"
"Hold up, hold up," Sirius stops his godson. "Canary Creams?"
"Yeah," Harry nods, grinning. "It's brilliant, I saw them try it out. They're custard creams that turn the eater into this huge yellow canary."
"Oooh, we can work with that," Sirius says, smirking.
Remus has his thinking face on. "Okay, you can go with something simple for a first prank," he finally says. "The main thing you have to ensure is that you don't get caught. With Dolores in a position of power, she'll be the one to punish you if you are, and she won't let you off lightly."
Harry's face clouds over. "I should know," is all he says.
"Failure isn't an option," Sirius concurs. "Not in this." He hums. "I'm liking the Canary Creams idea," he says to Remus. "If Harry manages to spike her drink with the same hex the twins used on their products…"
"That's what I was thinking," Remus replies, both surprised and pleased. "And most variants of canaries sing, right? So if we could use that charm I modified in fourth year…"
"A singing canary!" Sirius exclaims. "Moony, that's brilliant! Add in that colour-changing spell of yours—"
"—to change the colour of the feathers according to her mood—"
"—and we've got magic!"
Harry's head follows their back and forth with a slightly overwhelmed expression, but Sirius feels light seeing the sparkle in his godson's bright eyes. "Merlin, wouldn't it be brilliant if she turned into a pink canary?!"
Remus looks delighted at the idea. "If we add a mild mood-altering compulsion as well—maybe a modification of the Cheering Charm?—and link it to the singing, we could have a large pink singing bird trilling Celestina Warbeck tunes."
"Pizzazz," Sirius points at him in elation. "I like it."
Harry's eyes go wide. "We can do that?"
Sirius scoffs, riding the thrill of planning something again. He pats Harry's shoulder with a wink.
Merlin, he feels young again. "We're the Marauders, kid. We can do anything."
"Within reason," Remus adds with a warning look, and Sirius grins widely. It's good to see him fall into his role as their moderator so effortlessly while also masterminding their best plans. It's good to feel like they're two of a kind again.
Harry grins. "I see that coming to you was a good idea."
"Oh, always," Sirius says, smiling. "For pranking ideas? Hell yeah. But coming to us is a good idea for the other things too."
"We'll always do our best to help," Remus adds with a smile of his own, reaching out to give Harry a quick hug.
"Thank you," Harry says, and the happiness on his godson's young face makes Sirius' Christmas so much brighter.
Dear Snuffles and Snout,
I'm planning to send this letter out in Hogsmeade because I've got pictures to go with it, which means I'll need to hide this in my shoe to pass through Filch's checks. So I'll just begin by saying sorry in advance in case the parchment smells a little funky. I wore my good socks today, but you never know.
Everything went according to plan. I even got Colin (Creevey, year below me) to click pictures so that I could send them to you, and they are hilarious. Frizzy found a spell to hide them as blank sheets, so you'll have to cast one of those advanced revealing charms for it to show anything.
I considered what you said, Snuffles, but I felt that hexing the Inquisitorial Squad as well would take away the attention from Umbridge. So no, I didn't touch their goblets, just hers. Dobby was brilliant, he hid me in a corner of the kitchens and let me cast all the spells we talked about on the inside of one of the goblets and then made sure it went to Umbridge's place at the head table. He promised to be silent, so no one can trace it back to me, not even if Umbridge interviews every kid in this whole school.
Colin won't say anything—not that I told him much, just to be ready to take pictures—and I didn't tell my best friends until after the prank. We're splitting the pictures between us so that we have fewer blank parchments to hide, so you can also thank them for helping me.
Your idea was brilliant, Snout. Lacing the inside of the goblet with the spells worked perfectly. She transformed into this big human-sized bright pink (Frizzy tells me it's called salmon pink?) canary and nearly caused Snape to topple over with her huge size. You see it in the picture? His face? Merlin, his face was priceless. Colin clicked his photos at all the right moments.
She starts flapping—you'll see it in another picture—and trying to squawk for help. But the singing charm worked, because she was singing the tune to You Charmed The Heart Right Out Of Me instead. There was so much more flapping going on by the second Celestina Warbeck song, that she ended up with her own feathers in her beak. I think she swallowed some.
I feel really good. Was this how you felt after a successful prank? Did my father feel like this? I think I like it. It feels like I'm walking on sunshine. Umbridge is on the warpath, but she can't find any answers. And never in a million years will she know that it's me. The twins agreed to keep their Canary Creams on hold for a few more months, and they're making up for it with some seriously aggressive marketing for their Skiving Snackboxes instead. Everyone seems to love the Fainting Fancies best.
I hope you're okay, Snuffles. You too, Snout. I suppose I don't need to ask this of you, but take care of each other, yeah? And thank you. Thank you so much.
Best,
You Know Who (I am).
Spring Funfair:
Cocktail Bar: Salt - (Plot point) Someone is salty
Dog Show: Introduction - (Word) Honestly
Lily Pads: (D5) - (Word) Whisper
Milkshake Bar: Strawberry - Character: Sirius Black
Spring Fling: Walking on Sunshine - Katrina & the Waves
Cherry Blossoms: Weeping Cherry - (task) Include the following phrase somewhere in your fic: 'two of a kind'.
Urban Safari Checklist: Zebra - (relationship) twins alt. (scenario) two characters dressed identically.
Wingardium Levi-Kart Racing: Floo Goblet - Giving another character a hug
Paint a Rainbow: Purple - (object) Trunk
Tree Planting: Dogwood - (trait) Mischievous
Teddy Bears Picnic: Mini Pizza - (genre) Family
Birdhouse Building: Step 4 - (theme) Innocence
Spring Petting Zoo: Sheep - (genre) family
Bunny Races: (Remus Lupin) 2163 words
Egg & Spoon Race: (main character) Sirius Black; (supporting character) Harry Potter
Egg Hunt: Stripey Egg - [Put on your break lights/We're in the city of wonder/Ain't gonna play nice]
Spring Parade (Scooby Doo): Fred - (Colour) Blue
Spring Seasonal
Days of the Year & Important Religious Events: May 18th - Visit Your Relatives Day: Write a fic in the family genre.
Aquarium Month: Light - Write about someone from the light side of the war.
Karaoke Week: Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) - Eurythmics
World Theatre Day: Kinky Boots!AU alt: 'No one's gonna shut us down.'
Crayon Day: Salmon
April Fool's Day: Canary Creams
Children's Book Day: Tinker bell - (action) Fixing something
World Autism Day: Write about someone communicating nonverbally.
Zoo Lover's Day: Giraffe - Write about someone sticking their neck out for someone.
Siblings Day: Fred & George Weasley
National Teacher's Day: Dolores Umbridge
Spring Colours: Lemon
Spring Flowers: Lily of the Valley - "Failure isn't an option. Not in this."
Crystals & Gemstones: Red Jasper - (word) Pizzazz
Hufflepuff Challenge: The Thunder Rolls – Garth Brooks - Prompt: write about hearing something without seeing it.
April Writing Club
Record Collection: I Want Love, Elton John - Write about wanting something but not knowing how to get it.
Written in the Stars: (flower) daisy
Book Club: Nick - (word) forbidden, (word) aloof, (action) smirking.
Showtime: A Boy Like That - (trait) Smart
Lizzy's Loft: (word) trouble
Elizabeth's Empire: Would You Be So Kind by Dodie - (object) letter
Liza's Loves: Fred - [relationship] siblings
Sophie's Serial Killers: [word] alcoholic
Angel's Archive: Saying 'thank you' and acknowledging something that seems small.
Scamander's Case: (word) priceless
Film Festival: (song) 'Home Sweet Home' by Mötley Crüe
Marvel Appreciation: Loki's Staff - Write about a troublemaker.
Lyric Alley: The way that things have been
TV Spree: (Relationship) Found family
The Forecast Says: 23rd: Sunny - Wishful
EnTitled: American Gothic - (plot point) being tricked
Hobby Hole: Quote: "We don't make mistakes, just happy little accidents." - Bob Ross
Gen's World Tour: Maria Sharapova - Write about someone who is the best at something.
Resolution Evolution (Writing): Write a fic with a word count between 1,500 - 3,075 words.
[Spring] Quarterly: Leaving On A Jet Plane: Berlin - (Action) Patting someone on the shoulder.
[April] Fortnightlies:
What's Your Sign? - Write about a secret message.
Switch Off - Book a Ticket to a Mystery Island - (Trope) Secret Identity/Identity Reveal.
[April] Would You Rather?
Spend Christmas at Hogwarts or Christmas at Home?