Everything from the start of Silver Soul Arc until the very last chapter causes a strange sadness inside of me. I had this idea of writing about an alternative pining story for a longer time now and I finally started to do it. Please keep in mind that this is not based on canon, it's just a sad story I wanted to write. The story is losely based on the sond 'Whatsername' from Green Day. I recommend to listen to this song before or while reading the first chapter.

The sunset blossoms upon the clouds, replacing the light blue color of the heavens that perfectly mirrored the delicate pattern of the lone mans yukata, with a deep sky of fire. The orange gold stretched above him, reflecting in his crimson eyes that gazed into the endless depths.

Hollow, dead eyes. Half-closed as if he was tired of taking in the world around him. Wavy silver hair lined his face, slowly swaying in the light breeze of an early autumn evening. The thick fabric of his cloud white attire rested on the hard stone. A run-down wooden sword scratched over the surface as it moved, tugged in his belt under his deep breaths. The rock he was sitting on was still warm from the sunlight and his fingers welcomed the fading heat. Maple leafs in the most vibrant hues covered the surrounding ground. It was strange. The tree he was sitting beneath was the only one who shed its gown early. He was motionless, transfixed at the colorful dome above him. Was he enjoying it? No. Every day felt like a loss. With the progressing seasons, the evenings were getting shorter and colder and with each new sunset he grieved more and more. The grip of his fingers on the stone tightened as the wind around him picked up and send cold shivers down his spine. Deep in his heart he knew something, or rather someone should be here now, right beside him. Keeping him warm.

The breeze blew down the takegasa placed next to him. It took some time until he was able to tear his eyes from the red ocean above him and he looked down on the woven straw hat. The leafs were blown into it and almost covered it completely. Gintoki struggled to move his body down the rough surface. The sound of wood scratching against rocks harmed his ears and he flinched in discomfort. Bending his stiff back, he reached down for the hat and shook out the dead matter. One of the leafs was stuck between the stalks and he plucked it more carefully than he needed to. Holding the golden brown leaf between his fingers, he caught a trace of a sweet, womanly scent.

Remember

Everything reminded him of her.

The memories flooded him in regular intervals. Hurting him more and more with each repetition.

This leaf.. it reminded him of her soft Kimono snuggling around her curves. Moving gracefully with every step, gleaming softly in the sun of their last warm summer day. He visited Yoshiwara that day to help out Hinowa. At that point he already decided to leave everyone behind. He was prepared. Gintoki didn't have the heart to say no to her.

"Something up? Ya have been avoiding everyone since.. recently." Tsukuyo asked him. She awaited him in front ot the elevators after he finished his business.

"Nothing" re replied abruptly.

She simply smiled at his answer, blowing her smoke from her kiseru in his face. A warm breeze drove through her hair and carried her scent, covering the disgusting smell of the burnt ashes. Gintoki turned around and left her standing in the sun, feeling her eyes in his back.

His sword.. it reminded him of the countless times she was by his side.

His arm guards.. it reminded him of her fishnet stockings reaching up her long, perfect legs. Leading up to the high slit of her kimono, flattering her whole body.

His takegasa.. it reminded him about that one time when she was screaming in agony while he was badly wounded. This sound never left his head and pursued him ever since.

Just everything. The trees, the sky, every single thing around him.

Being alive reminded him of her.

The love incense only made it worse. It overwhelmed him so much, he even confessed to her. He played it off as the fault of the drug but he desperately suppressed everything since then.

Though he didn't realize it until he left her.

Whatever

It seems like forever ago

Forever. It really felt like forever. The days flew by so fast and yet so slow. They were separated for nearly two years and it got only worse.

He looked at his hand. He was still gently holding the leaf in between his fingers. Minutes had gone by. Black was crouching over the horizon and started to cover up the warm colors. He tried to crumble the leaf, but it was soft and kneadable in his numb fingers.

The regrets

A goodbye and farewell? He did not give it to her. He just couldn't do it. He just left her.

He didn't leave the town straight away. He prepared his lone endless journey. Buying new clothes, leaving everything familiar behind.

Edo, that cursed town that gave nothing to him. Back then he didn't realize how wrong he was. He was not preparing his mission. He was delaying his escape. His escape from everyone.

The feeling of being loved had become too much for him, especially coming from her. She never told him about her feelings, but he was too stupid to realize it sooner. His longing, growing feelings for her, made him weak. What if he lost everything again. He would not be able to recover from that. It was easier to leave everything behind and die alone. Alone with the guilt that was eating him alive.

Gintoki rembered the last time seeing her. He could never forget it. This memory was burnt into his eyes, worse than the sun leaving its trace while staring directly into it. They neither talked, nor had she seen him. On his way through the busy street, his takegasa hiding his face, he heard Shinpachis voice, whom he had avoided in the last days. Fleeing into a small alley, he noticed him leaning on a wall talking to.. her. Observing her from under the shadows, his heart was beating painfully. He knew he would never see her again and his body didn't comply with that. He felt his limbs weakening, forcing him to sit down in the dirt. Resting his face in his hands, he heard one sentence from Shinpachi.

"He's gone."

In his memories, the last glimpse of her face through his fingers was the most beautiful and heartbreaking sight he had ever seen.

She had tears in her eyes.

Gintoki stumbled away, clouded sight, deeper into the alley, farther away from her.

Are useless in my mind

She's in my head

Love is painful. Oh and how painful it was. Emotional pain is the worst thing in this entire universe. You can't take any medicine. It takes years to recover, if you recover at all. Each passing day since then dragged him down further and further.

Love is supposed to be symbiotic, not parasitic. But this loves dissolved him from the inside, leaving an empty shell gazing at the heavens.

I want to feel something again. Anything. Gintoki didn't stray far away from this rock for days. He couldn't feel hunger nor physical pain from his inconvenient resting situation. He wanted to feel it. But it could not get through. He only felt pain.

His mind told him, separation from her would take care of his emotions, but it was wrong. The pain of separation seeped into his bones, rendering him immobile for longer and longer terms each passing day.

But It will get better. I'll be okay. Give it time.

Time.

I must confess

He loved her. The burning pain will eventually take over parts of his brain, turning him emotionless.

It was too late.
It was over.

Dusk was replaced by the gloomy night. The breeze cooled his skin as his eyes drifted back to the sky, caught by the infinite pattern of the gleaming lights. Stargazing, his head fell in his neck. Bathed in the light of the invisible sun, the full moon 月 was an even more beautiful poem 詠 than he remembered it from last night, composing a song with the pathetic little dots around him.

The moon.

A single tear ran down his cheek.

And in the darkest night

If my memory serves me right

I'll never turn back time

Forgetting you but not the time

Thank you for reading this. I avoid to read angst in fanfictions.. but somehow I ended up writing angst myself.

Don't forget to leave a comment! 3 I would appreciate it A LOT