Toucan Sam

Author's Note: lmao when depression eating you alive and you write shitty fanfictions just to get a laugh but then end up not really laughing.

One day Toucan Sam woke up in his nest. He was so greatly infuriated that he decided to mimic pigeons and shat upon anybody walking below him and then laughed loudly. "HA HA! FOLLOW YOUR NOSE! WHEREVER IT GOES! INCLUDING STRAIGHT TO FUCKING HELL."

People below him were having such an awful day believing it was a pigeon that "spat" upon them. "Ugh, ew! I'm having such a bad day. Good thing I didn't drive my car out here into the jungle. That would be really inconvenient for me to have to wash after a long hard exhausting day!" They would say as they walked home, their paths leading through the jungle for whatever reason.

Toucan Sam's nephews showed up. "Uncle Sam!" They would joyfully shout. "We love you!"

Toucan Sam was a bitter old toucan that hated himself and his life. He hissed at the boys but then stifled himself not wanting to cause harm to them. "Uh yeah there's like Toucan O's or whatever the fuck I'm selling over inside the tree. Help yourself." He then whispered under his breath so the kids wouldn't hear. "Bastards."

"Gee whiz! Thank you, Uncle Sam! You're the best uncle ever!"

Toucan Sam felt annoyed but then smiled at the kids. He pulled out a beer from underneath him and opened it. He took a sip and spit it out. "GOD DAMN IT, WARM BEER!" He forgot that he's in the jungle and there's no electricity and then resumed drinking it angrily. "I hate being so broke."

After he finished the bottle he chucked it out into the jungle creating a pile of beer cans nearby. Then he took out another beer. "God damn it, it fucking sucks not having TV or fridge. I need a fucking job or some shit. I hate living out here."

His nephews came out and said "We have to go home now, Uncle Sam! Thank you for such a nice day!" And they flew off.

"God damn it, fucking assholes. Stop making me feel positive emotions. I want to just die already." He scowled under his breath. Then out loud he said. "Aw, thank you, kiddos! See you next time! Love you!"

He sighed and then sat in his nest contemplating his life, then he drank another beer.

The next day he went into the city searching for a job. He marched into a Walmart. "Hey, you fuckers looking for a job?"

"Dunno." Said an employee. "Sign up online or whatever."

"I DON'T FUCKING HAVE INTERNET!"

"Use a library."

"THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING PANDEMIC AND I NEED MONEY."

"Oh uh, I dunno then."

Toucan Sam became outrage and began flying around pooping on everything everyone loved and smashing items and slamming down aisles and punching random people.

The manager of the store came out. "Hey, like what is your problem?"

"I NEED A FUCKING JOB!"

The manager glared at the toucan for a moment before smiling. "Shit, son. We get Karens like you barging in and destroying our entire store every single day. With a Karen like you on the force, we could finally battle them back and not have to be like fucking cleaning up everything all the damn time."

"SO AM I HIRED YET?"

"After you clean up all your mess."

"FUCKING FINE, YOU ASSHOLE!" Said Toucan Sam as he grabbed a mop from the cleaning aisle and began cleaning, not caring that he was stealing from the store.

A day later, everything was cleaned and Toucan Sam finally landed the Walmart job. He worked as a cashier. A man-Karen began bellowing at him. "YOU FUCKING IDIOT! THAT WAS ON SPECIAL! DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO WORK THE FUCKING CASHIER?!"

Toucan Sam boiled with rage and flung the item at the man-Karen and then did what Pigeons do over people walking by underneath. "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" He shouted. The man-Karen quickly ran out the store and Toucan Sam resumed scanning items. People from then on learned to behave and not cause massive shitstorms less they want the "pigeon treatment." (Gross, eh?)

He was able to finally afford a cheap apartment that included a fridge. It had torn up walls, broken tiles, had roaches here and there, but he was "whatever", and it had no cable but he managed to find a cheap TV somewhere and used a modified modern-day antenna to pick up on the local tv stations nearby.

He sat by the TV on the floor eating a can of beans drinking cold beer. "Well… this is okay." He muttered as he watched the news.

Suddenly his nephews burst in through the door. He forgot to lock it due to living in the jungle for an unhealthy period of time. "Uncle Sam!"

"Oh god, these fuckers." Muttered Toucan Sam under his breath. Then out loud he said, "Hey! Boys! Welcome!"

"Congratulations on your new place!" They shouted. "Wow! Nice place you got here! It's so cool! You rock, Uncle Sam!"

Toucan Sam paused for a moment. "God damn it, stop making me feel things, you fucking assholes." He said under his breath. Then he smiled at them. "Thanks, boys. Help yourself to some cereals and milk in the fridge. It's all just for you!"

The nephews were excited because before, there was never milk but now there was. They found their uncle to be the coolest ever.

Hours later, it was time to leave and they flew off. "Thank you, Uncle Sam! Bye!"

"See you next time, kids!"

The next day Toucan Sam bitterly placed on his work vest attempting to get ready for another crummy day at Walmart. He opened his door and found a blank envelope taped onto the door.

He opened it and found a greeting card. Inside it read: "Uncle Toucan, you are the best uncle in the world! We think you are so cool! Love, your nephews!" Attached was a 10 dollar gift card to Olive Garden.

Toucan Sam broke down crying.

To be continued.