Quizlet was down, and Gen hated calculus.
His phone had been buzzing off the handle for the past ten minutes. None of his friends seemed to have the answers to his homework, and he certainly didn't want to spend the rest of his life working on it. He didn't get the concept and he was tired of bothering.
A failing grade will totally screw me
What is the answer
Homura plz
help
He tapped away at his messages in hopes someone would respond. The worksheet eyed him smugly. Homura buzzed back,
Hey remember that time you totally lost the bet about who would kiss in Star Wars
Gen recoiled.
yeah why that sounds ominous
The flickering dots on his screen were sure to spell disaster. Homura never was one to hold back.
Remember how I could dare you to do anything I wanted you to do if you lost
A gulp. This was going to be way worse than calculus.
I have dignity yknow
Homura took her sweet time responding. The tension was liable to make Gen explode.
Yeah but not enough to not lose a bet about star wars lol
Go ask for answers on that one christian dating site
Gen almost choked.
Surely there are better options than this
Homura you wouldn't do this to me
I do not have an account and I am not making one for this omg
Homura must have been dying laughing.
Too bad lol
Maybe I do have the answers and I just want to see you ask
What if I gave you the answers if you posted
You can't weasel your way out of this one mentalist
No faking screenshots I want the link to your forum post
And you have to use your real name and image on the profile
Or else
Gen sighed.
I'm only doing this for the answers if you don't pay up I'll kill you
He put his phone away. He didn't want to hear the reply.
If there was anything more imposing than Homura, it was the sign up screen for the website. Happy couples, kissing, smiling, going to some church that hated people like him probably. Gen wasn't a Christian. He'd known plenty of nice ones in the past on his show days. Not any he'd like to date, per say, but nice ones. Not like he was looking for a hot chick to squeeze on this website anyway. He was looking for calculus answers.
Age: 19, Sex: Male, Profile Picture: a photo of himself holding the 4 of hearts (hearts was good for a dating site, right? It was quality enough to brush it off as a crazy fan if he got caught by the media), name: Gen Asagiri. Interests. Interests? He had a feeling writing "magic and illusion" would be a surefire way to get him banned before he even posted. Interests: disproving pagan magic tricks, looking for a good Christian woman, and getting good grades (to become a contributing member of society).
Enough of that.
Making his way to the forums was a minefield. Not that it was hard, physically, just emotionally. The amount of posts complaining about "the homosexuals" or "insubordinate women" were enough to make his skin crawl. People lived like this? It was funny in a very bad way. There was a certain type of person who would use a knockoff Christian dating site and he was sure it wasn't a nice sort of person.
The post was short and simple. Proper grammar, proper speech, quite convincing in his quest for a good grade; impressions were his field anyway. He doubted the question would get an answer. The forums didn't seem active enough. He just needed that link. A click of a button, and bam, he just humiliated himself on the internet, for every single person to see. This was mortifying. Tabloids would love this. Famous Mentalist Asagiri Gen on Christian Dating Site. He'd never hear the end of it. He took the link and closed the tab as fast as he could.
I did it
Here's the link
Answers or die
Gen texted Homura with anticipation. A notification from the website popped up. "This is not the place to look for answers to your homework. Young people should stick to their own work ethic," some angry soccer mom told him. Thanks, he thought, I wouldn't have guessed.
Homura finally replied.
LOL you actually did it
I don't have the answers I said "maybe" lol
Your dare is repaid tho good job xx
Gen could feel his phone nearly snapping in two in his grip.
You're kidding me right
Of course she wasn't. Another notification from the dating website. Some big paragraphs about him being a failure. "Young man, you should be ashamed of yourself trying to seek out…" something, something.
Yeah nah I'm not kidding lol sorry I hope you get the answer
Homura clearly didn't have anything else to say. Gen felt like he could cry. He needed better friends. What a soiled image he had! How was he supposed to ever find love if everyone just saw him as some down-bad teen on Christian Dating for Free!? As if to mock him, another notification from his forum post popped up on his screen. He almost didn't want to read it. It couldn't be good. He didn't want to be kicked while he was down. He stared down the notification. So, the answer you're looking for… headed the post. Intrigued, Gen clicked it.
"So the answer you're looking for," the post read, "Is…" an intricate explanation followed in great detail. Step by step. Was this chick a teacher? He could almost understand the problem. Gen felt his heart soar. Little analogies were peppered in her explanation that spoke of an excitable disposition. Maybe there were nice people on this website. Not that he was looking for a date, or anything.
Who was she, anyway? He thanked her, and decided to investigate. She was 18, in college, and Japanese. "A true believer", according to her near nonexistent bio. The image on her profile looked deeply photoshopped to an almost comical extent. The numbers in her name would've led Gen to believe she was a bot if her post was not so full of life.
As it would turn out, her other posts were just as sparky. She especially seemed to enjoy picking fights with all of the losers who enjoyed believing in a flat earth. Gen couldn't believe it. Forum post after forum post of aggressive internet trolling. A friend in this cruel, cruel world. He sent her a wink, if only for the fun of it. If he was stuck with this account, may as well have some fun. Almost immediately, she matched him right back, much to his surprise. Did she want to talk? Gen wasn't sure how to go about it. It was easy to go on PR dates where he didn't have to do any thinking, but this was all too personal. Luckily, she took the first step.
I don't know what sort of dude would think anyone would buy the "I am the real Gen Asagiri" crap while they post simple math questions, but color me entertained. Please call me at this number. Or text. I like to talk, though. I don't want this account to get banned. I've already lost three this month.
She included a Tokyo number at the foot of the message, and a sweet little heart emoticon. She'd already solved his homework, Gen thought. Why not talk? It was the least he could do. He opened the number.
Hi, he texted, so I should call you?
If you want. I don't like typing, she said.
Alright then. I'm not looking for a date, just so you know, Gen responded.
Me neither. I'm just bored as hell right now, she said.
What a relief, thought Gen. It was a lot less awkward knowing he wouldn't be misconstrued. Even still, he sure didn't mind talking to a girl who liked to mess with rude people online. Maybe she had a cute voice. He dialed the number unworried.
"Yo," the deep, sour, remarkably unfeminine voice on the other line barked. "Is this the math guy who's pretending to be Gen?"
In retrospect, Gen probably should have realized she was actually a he. "Heh," he chuckled, "Can I consider this a catfish if I wasn't out for a date?"
The man on the other end of the phone snickered. "I guess you could call it that. Hey, you actually sound like the real Gen Asagiri." Gen froze. "Don't tell me I just catfished THE Gen Asagiri. Aw man." The man had an evil laugh. "I won't tell anyone. Probably."
"I lost a bet," Gen retorted. "I wouldn't go on a site like Christian Dating for Free under any willing circumstance. You know how university can be," he purred, laying on the thick facade of smoothness he was so well known for.
"That's what you want them to think," the man laughed. Gen could feel the smirk radiating off of the man. He was appalled. "Anyways," the man said, "Since I obviously already know your name. My name is Senku. Senku Ishigami."
"Senku, huh?" Gen said. "Weren't you in the news for winning some international science fair or something? I think you got sent an interview request for my show."
Senku scoffed. "All you do is pseudoscience and parlor tricks." He always seemed to be on the verge of laughing. "I have more projects to work on. No time to not be amazed by your so-called magic on live television. I'd be a shitty guest."
It was Gen's turn to smirk. "Apparently you have enough time to catfish people on bad Christian dating sites, Senku."
Senku groaned. "Can't a guy have a little fun sometimes? Honestly."
"Looks like I'm getting my interview anyway," Gen crooned.
"Not if I hang up first. I'll lose your number and I'll escape," Senku countered bitingly, but Gen could hear the smile in his voice had returned.
"And why would you do that?" He asked, finally in his element. "Is this not fun enough for you? To run into someone like me on some random dating site? You have my number now." That trademark evil grin crossed his face. "We're friends now. Sorry to inform you. You should call more often. Maybe we could get lunch. I can pay. You can give me some charming tidbits about your life. I'll even call off the interview. Maybe I'll do some so-called magic for you. Personally. A personal show from Gen Asagiri," he purred. "You wouldn't leave if I paid you."
Senku snorted. "I do like money. You can buy a lot of exciting things with money." Gen could hear him picking at his fingernails through the receiver. "But still, you're right on. I'm not going anywhere. This is more interesting. Very perceptive of you. As to be expected of the great mentalist." Gen wondered how he looked when he was smirking, since it certainly seemed like his usual expression. "Are you sure you weren't looking for a date? This sounds like a date," the man snarked. "You're lucky I don't have anything better to do."
"Some of us pseudoscientists like to have a little fun too, Senku Ishigami." There was a moment of silence between them, before Senku laughed cheerfully, in that cruel sort of way he had spoken in throughout the entire conversation.
"Never took you for the type to go on a dating site for this kind of thing," he said. "Doesn't the great mentalist go on dates with non-flat earthers?"
"Who else would fall for my tricks and charms? My smoke and mirrors?" Gen smiled. "Besides, I never called it a date. You called it that." He took a deep breath. "Why would the smartest person on earth be catfishing flat earthers?"
"Tch. Obviously to solve people's homework problems." He paused. "Nah, I just like to think that if I say 'the earth isn't flat' enough times that someone will listen. Did I mention how many times my catfish accounts have been banned?"
"Three?"
"Nah, nah, three this month. A lot more than that. At least twelve."
Gen was almost impressed. "Are you sure it's not because you're some sort of sadist?"
"Oh, no, I love screwing with certain people. Don't get me wrong. Most of the people are nice enough, I don't bother them. But oh, some of them." The man paused. "Some of them. There's nothing funnier than to get some weird old dude trying to lecture you about the dangers of going into rocket science. Oh man. What a rush. It's exhilarating."
Gen made a short sound of understanding. "Whatever you say." Awkward silence. "So, lunch? What day? And where?"
Senku sounded surprised. "Wait, you're serious?"
Gen blinked. "Yeah, I was. You'll have a good time," he said. "I promise. It'll be fun."
"I'll talk your ear off about shit you definitely won't understand," Senku groaned bluntly. "It won't be fun for you. Plus, I know it doesn't sound like it, but I am, like, you know, busy a lot." He stuttered. "Are you… are you used to meeting random strangers off the internet?"
Gen shrugged. "Nah. But I don't get bad energy from you."
Senku sighed. "I've never done anything like this before. Is this a date?"
Gen bit at his lip. "Well, it could be, if you wanted. It's just a get-to-know you lunch if you'd rather it not be. Perfectly normal."
"Let's just call it lunch for now." The phone crunched on Senku's end. Gen decided he must have leaned on it, or something. "I can't believe being an ass on the internet is ending up in lunch with Gen fucking Asagiri."
Gen found himself beaming again. "Ha, seems it was fate! Our meeting was ordained and unavoidable by decree of time itself. How wonderful."
"Buncha bullshit," Senku barked. "That's not how time works. If you read my star signs at lunch I'm going to melt into the ground."
"How romantic," Gen feigned a swoon.
"In a bad way," Senku groaned. "Like in an apoptosis way." He clacked his pen on the table loudly. He must have been doing some sort of schoolwork the entire time.
Gen sighed. "I don't know what that means, but maybe you can tell me when we meet. When are you free?"
Senku curtly gave him a ramen shop and a date. "Apoptosis is cell death," he said. "Like your cell just decides it hates existing and it blows itself up. That's apoptosis." He started, but he didn't stop. Gen sat there as the man on the other end kept going, about how important it was to the human body, then to how cancer affected it, then to how it worked in bacteria, and on, and on. At some point the topic had shifted into when Senku had blown up a cell under a microscope. The scientist jabbered wildly like a man possessed. At least he seemed excited, Gen thought. "Yeah," Senku finally slowed down, "So that's the short version." He stopped to think. "You don't need to memorize all that probably but it's a good thing to memorize anyway."
"Thanks," said Gen, who had managed to hold attention the entire time. "I'll do my best." He took a look out the window, out of his apartment. "To be honest," he said, "I have no clue about anything you've been talking about but I think I'm absorbing some of it." He paused. "It's more fun to hear you go on about it."
Some sort of terrible bone-cracking sound came from the other end of the speaker. "Well, thanks. No big deal. Science is cool like that."
"I can tell why you won that competition," Gen crooned. Laying it on thick is what he was best at, after all.
Senku just made a sound between a grunt and a laugh. "I guess I'll see you on Tuesday, then." The pen clicked again. "If you really don't care about me talking your ear off then I guess I'll just talk it off more then."
"Not if I talk yours off first."
"Like you could," Senku chided. He clicked the pen. "Want the hard copy of your homework problem? I have it right here in front of me right now. With some other calculus shit we could practice with. You need some serious help." Papers rustled through the speaker.
Gen nearly choked. "Is that what you've been doing!?" He leaned back in his chair. "You didn't need to do that." He was flattered, if not a little aghast.
"Consider it compensation for the shitty lunch you're about to have with me," Senku sighed. "I'll bring pencils. We'll both do a little bit of our own magic."
Gen felt his heart flutter at the sentiment, only for it to crash down to the pit of his chest once reality hit him. Oh shit, he thought, not a nerd. Why did it have to be a nerd? And an internet troll at that! On an awful dating website! Gen would never see a hot girl again. He also wasn't sure he entirely minded. Voice quivering, he responded, as smooth as he could be when so jittery, "Sounds like a good day to me. I'll see you Tuesday, then." He swallowed. "It was great to meet you, Senku."
"I still can't believe I met Gen Asagiri on Christian Dating for Free," Senku snorted cruelly. "Nice to meet you too. If fate was real it would be laughing its ass off about this. Be seeing you, then."
Gen shifted in his chair. "You too." And like that, he hung up the phone, and swiveled around to stare himself down in the reflection of his computer screen. He looked bloated, almost. Like he was going to explode. Like apoptosis. Spontaneous cell death. In which the cell deconstructs itself and-
Asagiri Gen, he thought to himself, What the hell have you gotten yourself into?
O O O
The texts from Homura jeered meanly from his phone when he finally had the heart to check them.
Loooool hot christian chick just gave you the answers
Gen look the answers are there
DId you die
Gen
Gen
Gen the answers are here
She's kinda hot Gen
(Definitely not a catfish with honkers that size)
Gen
Why don't you go mingle
Single and ready to mingle
You didn't sign up for Christianmingle so I can't make the joke but
This is your free christian date
Maybe she'll do more calculus for you lol
He sent only one message in reply:
You wouldn't believe what just happened so I'm not even going to tell you
Homura's texts buzzed up a storm while Gen filled out his homework with Senku's answers knowing that her stupid bet had ended up working against her.
Wait what holy shit
What happened
Gen you can't just leave me hanging
Holy shit
Did you get a date with someone
What happened
Holy shit
Did you
?