好きの気持ちを、あなたに

THE LOVE FEELING FOR YOU

– Chapter I –

After the fight against the 16th Angel left Neo Tokyo-3 in shambles, having all my thoughts messed up with Ayanami's supposed death, and then the whole thing Dr. Ritsuko told us Misato and me: about the developing of EVA and the Dumming System… It was too fucking much for me to take it straight. I took a stroll into the ruins of the city, hoping that at least I could sort out my mind a little. I thought about Ayanami. I see her expressionless red eyes on my mind. It hurts.

I was told by Misato that she was alive, so I went to the hospital to pay her a visit, without giving it much of a thought. She indeed was there, sitting in the waiting room, with a lost gaze and bandages all over her left arm, right eye and forehead. I tried to exchange some word with her, but something felt wrong. I told her that I was glad that she was alive, but she just repeated after me "Alive?" with a confused tone. Then she told me clearly "Maybe I'm the third…" but I didn't understand what she meant until Ritsuko explained us about that in the Terminal Dogma. There's something about her that really bugs me. It is almost like Ayanami and my mother are somehow related. What is my father doing to them? Father…

Because the EVA-00's self-destruction razed the city, the nearby lake swallowed the whole place, so not even a single soul lived there anymore. Hopefully Touji and Kensuke went to other cities with their relatives. Perhaps they couldn't escape and died. Why do I have to stay here? Why can't I confront my father after all the shit I've heard about his job and the things he's been doing to Ayanami? And Asuka? Where was she? Where did she go? There were no one I could call a "friend" in this city. No one who I could trust. I was so broken. I couldn't fight anymore. I couldn't stand this any longer…

The sun was already setting between the mountains, and the air had this odd smoked scent on it. I kinda hate it. It was like the smell of my guilt. While I was trying to put these feelings in order so I didn't end up running away from here like I did some time ago, I listened to the babbling of the shore that was formed by the explosion. It relaxed me. This kind and gentle sound began to fuse with an even gentler human voice, weaving a tune. I turned to my left and there, I saw a guy seated on a rough rock while he sang a familiar tune; Beethoven's Ode to Joy. I've been hearing that on my Walkman the whole day. But why is he…?

"Singing is good." - He finally said after he finished singing. - "Singing brings joy and revitalizes the soul. I think that songs are the greatest achievement of the Lilim culture. Don't you agree? Shinji Ikari?"

I was puzzled. He was looking at me, right in the eyes, with a big and nice smile on his face. His eyes were pure red, just like Ayanami's. He seemed to be around my age too, with gray hair fluttering in the wind and pale skin, which shimmered softly under the sunset. "How does this guy know my name? Why I can't stop looking at him?" I thought nervously while trying to find a smart comeback for him. I had never seen him before, so I asked him "How do you know my name?" finally, and he just replied nonchalantly "Everyone knows your name. Not to be rude, but you're rather ignorant of your own position." He then told me his name, Nagisa Kaworu, and asked me to call him just Kaworu, so I said the same to him. He also told me that he's the Fifth Children, who came here to replace the Second Children. That night would be his first Synchronization Test with Unit-02, so I decided to walk him to NERV. I only showed him the way like an automaton though.

I had a tough time trying to talk to him as we made our way to NERV, with my thoughts still haunting me. I still had many things weighing on my mind and I couldn't stop blaming myself for all the hardships I was going through, all because of my own weakness. When we started going down to get on the train to NERV, Kaworu noticed the big depression that the Geofront is. He seemed quite interested in it, putting his fingers over his chin with an inexpressive face while looking at every bit of it.

Then we took separated ways to prepare ourselves for the test. After I was done with it, I took my Walkman, plugged the earphones in and just sat to listen the complete Beethoven's 9th symphony that Kaworu was singing, all over again. I didn't understand what Kaworu meant by "… the greatest achievement of the Lilim culture", but I sure love Classical Music, especially Beethoven, and J.S. Bach. A teacher told me when I was a kid that I should learn to play music, and he suggested the Cello. I remember being thrilled by the deep sound of it, and I enthusiastically threw myself into learning to play it. Even though I couldn't play many pieces and reading at first sight was still a difficult task for me, I enjoyed playing it anyway. This thought rapidly made me think that I hadn't played it in a while, and I had started feeling like I wouldn't ever be able to play it again. And as I was in the midst of listening to the PRESTO movement, Kaworu approached to me. It seemed like his Test took a lot longer than usual, but after almost an hour listening to the music, I lost track of time. I unplugged my earphones to hear him, as he was talking.

"Hi, you weren't waiting here for me, were you?" – He said with his already known nice smile.

"No, hum… well, not really waiting anyway." – I told to him. Naturally, even I didn't notice that I was waiting for him at all. "I'm so stupid. Why am I getting this nervous?" I thought while Kaworu stood smiling at me.

He then asked me what I was going to do next, since the Test was done and there was nothing else to do in NERV anymore. I didn't feel like going home, as I didn't want go anywhere close to Misato for now. I'd have preferred to be anywhere else but there. I told Kaworu that after the tests I usually take a shower in the bath and go home. I hesitated in telling him that I don't want to go home, but I ended up telling him anyway.

"You have a home to return to and that will lead you to happiness. That's good." – He told me as he walked next to me. I didn't care about going back home just now, so I gathered up my courage and told him that I felt like talking some more if he agreed. He, of course, agreed and suggested that we bathed together.

While in the dressing room I couldn't help but find myself peeking at Kaworu occasionally when he took off his clothes. My heart began to shake furiously and my face felt warm. I bet my face must have looked ridiculous. "Am I turned on by a guy?" I was ashamed by my own thoughts. It was the first time I felt that for a guy. I couldn't understand why at that very moment, but it wouldn't be much longer before I managed to understand that. Now we were in the bath, we talked about some nonsense things that were not that important, trivial stuff for us to know each other some more. Then, after a long awkward silence between us, his hand approached mine. I got scared by his touch and withdrew my hand to my chest. His red eyes were on me, as if he were trying to tell me something with them, but in the end, we humans are unable to understand anything just feelings, or looks. We need words so we can understand each other, and Kaworu, who apparently knew what I was thinking, happily offered his own to me.

"You're extremely afraid of making the first contact. Does affection terrify you so much? If you don't get close to others, you won't be betrayed, and you won't hurt each other. However, you won't be able to forget what loneliness is like that. Men can never make loneliness disappear because they are alone, but they can forget. That's how men can find the will to live."

At first, I thought he was joking around with me, but his serene but still serious gaze seemed like it was responding to my unsecure thoughts. Then the lights were cut off, which signaled the baths' imminent closure, so I nervously told him that it was about time to leave the place and go to sleep. He asked "With me?" and even more nervously, I told him no, that he had his own room to sleep in. I was, indeed, thinking about going to sleep in some train station like I did before, but since the city was now just a bunch of ruins, my own mind crushed that idea violently. Then he got up of the bath and I could have a view of his wet, fine naked body. He looked directly at me once again.

"Right… Men always have pain in their heart. Since their hearts feel pain, they experience life as pain. You're as frail and brittle as glass."

"Am I?" I asked him

"Yes, and that earns my sympathy. In other words, I like you."

Shocked, surprised, astonished, overwhelmed. I was so shocked by his sincere words that I simply couldn't take them seriously at first. Then we moved to the sleep room area that NERV had designated for workers that didn't have a place to live in. All that my head could think of was his words: "I like you… I like you… I like you…" It was the first time that someone actually had said something like that to me.

What should I do? I couldn't say anything to him after that, but I just summoned my courage and asked him if I could spend the night with him. Of course, he agreed with a smile on his face. And before I realized it, we were already in his room. He offered me the bed, but I refused and took a futon to the floor. We turned off the lights and then we lied down to sleep. "How can I possibly sleep in this situation?" I asked to myself. As Kaworu could read my heart, he just began to talk.

"I say, I should be the one sleeping on the floor."

"Oh, don't worry. I was the one who you to let me stay here. I'm OK with sleeping here." I said.

"What are you going to tell me?"

"Eh?"

"You have something that you want me to hear, don't you?"

It took me some time. I told him about the many things I experienced here, about how I lived at my teacher's before coming to NERV.

"Quiet and calm days. I didn't do anything but exist. I was okay with that. I had nothing to do."

"Do you dislike people?" – He asked me.

"Well, I don't care about people. Well, there's my father, but I just hate him" At that point, I started wondering why I was talking about this sort of stuff to him, but a laugh from him interrupted my thoughts. He looked at me straight in the eye and then told me:

"I might have been born to meet you."

Resting his head on his hand while looking at me, Kaworu said to me many words that no one ever had told me before. I was scared at first, since we're both boys, but I was sure that I was feeling the same way as this person that I just met. My whole body was excited with the idea of another person caring for me. I wanted him with me. I wanted that night to be eternal. I wanted him.