A/N: The 1994 movie "North" ended by explaining most of the movie was a dream. Two can play at this game. First in my "Is it that bad?" series.

Jewel of a Family

North lay back in his bed - clean pajamas on, a home-cooked meal in his stomach and a feeling more contented than he could remember in his eleven years. Everything had worked out; his best Winchell hadn't been working against him with sleazy lawyer Arthur Belt to create a massive worldwide kids' movement, he hadn't missed a deadline set by Judge Buckle to choose his dream home, and after he woke up from his nap his parents weren't quite the egocentric, unappreciative people he thought they were. Things were good.

Unlike his dream. Winchell and Belt had "helped" him become emancipated, and in the court order he was given until Labor Day to either find a new set of parents or return to his old ones. After visiting Texas, Hawaii, Alaska, an Amish community, Zaire, China and France he had returned to the United States to try another family that seemed to fit all of his wants; but as nice as they were, he had the disappointing feeling that it still didn't feel right. He eluded Winchell's dragnet and found his parents at the last second, but then he woke up to realize he had dreamed the whole thing after falling asleep in a shopping mall. He rushed home late to his parents, now worried about his disappearance. They really did care about him.

He closed his eyes to prepare to sleep but was startled by a noise coming closer. It was someone whistling, and it came up to the other side of his door. The door opened, and a man wearing a pair of coveralls and a toolbelt walked through. With stubble on his chin and somewhat receding hairline, even in the low light North recognized it as the same person who had showed up several times in his dream. Through all these imagined adventures, the same man kept appearing - claiming to be someone different each time, but always dispensing good, solid advice or observations. Now he was here again.

"You!" North exclaimed.

"I've always been me for as long as I can remember, kid. Your parents say you've been on quite an adventure. Hank is the name," he said as started searching through pouches on his toolbelt.

"I didn't tell my parents about my dream."

"Who said anything about a dream? I'm talking about falling asleep at the mall. It's not like you've been around the world, right?"

"Right," North said warily.

"Anyway, I didn't mean to disturb your normal routine, but I've got to get a memory dump from you for the Analyzer down at the shop." Hank pulled out a plug from one of the pouches. "Found it. Now, let me get a chair." He looked around and found a seat that he wheeled up beside North's bed. "This'll take a couple minutes." He reached over to North's left hand and felt around on the back of it for a moment before a small flap opened. He took the plug and inserted it. "That's it - I always seem to get the plug upside down the first time. At least I don't have to take out your central memory core, right? That always feels so...impersonal, I think."

"Memory dump? What am I, a robot?" North asked as he stared at the cable. A few lights along its length pulsed.

"No, of course not. They call you a simuloid."

"What's the difference?"

"When it comes down to it, only the price tag. Robots are for bargain tables and yard sales. Besides, you're built to metabolize food."

"I thought I was...was...a real person."

"You are! Just not flesh and blood. Being human is overrated; I've got athlete's foot and I used to have a lot more hair ten years ago. But don't feel bad - you're supposed to think you're human. They don't want to bias the results by you knowing who you are."

"What results?"

"From all the recorded experiences you've had. You know that dream you had? All simulated, just to see how you'd react. They're trying to build a better simuloid and make it more human, though God knows why they'd want to make it more imperfect. Sounds like trying to put an eye patch on the Mona Lisa."

"How can I not be human?" North asked. This wasn't right at all.

Hank checked the data flow on a meter. "Really? How could you not be? All Star player, acting awards, academic excellence, key to the city when you were ten, Student of the Year at Grandville Elementary four years running, never had a broken bone or a cavity or got sick even - come on, no one is that perfect. If you were old enough, you'd probably set a record for making Eagle Scout. Tell me, did you ever have a girlfriend or even want one?"

"No," North said with more than a little worry.

"Right. Because they programmed you not to want one. No point, really. Of course, the same could be said for me after my last wife left."

"What about my panic attacks?"

"Eh. Software glitch. Programmers are imperfect, too."

"Do...do Mom and Dad know?"

"What, that my wife left?" North started to object and Hank held up his hand. "Just kidding, kid. No, they don't, to answer your question. That bias thing again." The lights had stopped their pulsing, and Hank removed the plug before smoothing over the flap, which sealed seamlessly.

"Wait!" North exclaimed, trying to reason the sudden insanity out. "If you're worried about bias, then you can't be here because I know what's going on now."

"Very good, kid - good use of your logic circuits. But that's been taken into account. In about sixty seconds or so your memory of the last ten minutes will be erased and you'll be back to where you were; a good kid with a good family in a nice house in a nice neighborhood with surprisingly low property tax rates and a crime rate other cities would kill for, which just goes to show they probably don't deserve it. Hang in there." Hank stood up and started to walk towards the door.

"And it seemed so real."

"This part is real. Enjoy it - some humans never even get to experience in a whole life what you've been blessed with so far. See ya." Hank walked out the door and North wondered about life for a moment before the wipe took effect. At that point, he was left with the curious question of why he was suddenly sitting up in bed and how his chair was beside his bed when it had been across the room just a moment before. He fell asleep wondering.

But he didn't stay asleep for long. He heard a whirl that sounded like it came from outside his window, and for a moment he wondered if Winchell was out to get him still; after a moment, clarity took hold and he realized that the whole crazy parent-hunting thing had been a dream. He almost convinced himself there hadn't been a sound when he heard a low hum and could see a distinct green glow coming from outside.

Part of him wanted to pull the covers over his head, but North was made of stronger stuff than that. He slowly crept toward the window; along the way, he searched for a weapon. The best he could find that was handy was a baseball, so he grabbed it. At least he could throw that pretty accurately. He sneaked up along the wall and barely looked around the curtain and down to the ground below his second-story room.

"You!" he said to a silver-clad figure that was waving to him with one hand while leaning on a flying saucer. North looked both directions, but of course there was nobody around. He had seen the movies and knew that there were never any witnesses around when you needed them. He muttered "I must be dreaming again" under his breath.

"You're not dreaming!" the figure yelled. It looked just like the guy that played the Easter Bunny at the mall. And the guy from his dreams. "Come on down! Put some shoes on though - this grass is wet. I think your parents are overwatering the lawn. Just come on down through the house. Come on, it'll be okay." North looked around and found a pair of beach shoes in his closet that he slipped on. He tip-toed through the house and down the stairs but didn't get caught by either of his parents. He made his way out the front door, closing it gently behind him before walking over to the guy by the spaceship.

Still no witnesses.

"Don't deny you're the same guy that I keep seeing," North accused the visitor.

"I'm the same guy you saw in the Bunny suit, if that's what you mean."

"Yeah, but what about all the other places? Was it a dream or real? I'm getting really confused."

The visitor grinned. "It happens. The more vivid the dream, the more real it seems. Stupidest cliché in the movies, by the way - put the main character through Hell and then have him wake up at the end and explain it all away that it was a dream. Cop out, if you ask me."

"So I'm not a robot or a machine?"

The visitor laughed. "That's a good one, kid. No, you're organic like everyone else." North continually looked around the area, and at his house a few times. "What are you looking for?"

"I'm waiting for someone to see you."

"I see you."

"NO. I mean someone real."

"That hurts, kid. But unless my boss happens by, no one will. Take a look at that flag over there." He nodded his head in the direction of the flagpole by North's house.

North looked at it - the flag was partially extended, but frozen in place. "What?" he asked, stumped.

"Temporal freeze. It would raise too many questions if people saw my ship sitting on the grass. You couldn't exactly pass it off as a lawn gnome now, could you?"

"YOUR ship?"

"What, you think I drive a Volkswagen Beetle between stars? Sure, I'd get great mileage, but it would take forever."

"You're an alien." North said it, half-believing it now. Too many things weren't adding up.

"Only to most of the people on this planet. Not to you." He folded his arms and stared at North without saying another word.

North, on the other hand, was too busy to speak. He brain was racing, knowing there was something significant there. Aliens came from another world. This stranger who wasn't quite a stranger said he was an alien, so he came from another world. That was pretty easy. Sort of. But he wasn't an alien to North. That meant...

No, it couldn't.

North backed up and tried again, but it came down to the same answer. "I'm not from this planet either."

The visitor clapped his hands. "Very good. That would trip a lot of people up, and I'm including non-Terrans. Does it make sense? Perfect life, no problems, outstanding ability..."

"Basically, too perfect to be a human," North finished.

"Yeah. You're an ambassador, North. You've gathered a lot of info about this world. So have a few of your fellow ambassadors. There's a guy in a rest home in France right now that is 105, and is in perfect health as he gathers data on how this planet treats its elders. All told, about a half-dozen or so spread around the world."

"So, the dreams were just dreams?"

"Pretty much, yeah. But notice how you remember them clearly? Even though most intelligent beings dream, they usually don't remember them that well, if at all. On some level, since we've met before, you must have put me in your own dreams. Probably just since I messaged you last week that it was time to go home. Our scientists still don't know how dreams work for sure, either."

"I'm...going home?"

"You bet. We don't have what they call a family system that this planet seems to have evolved, but it works for us. Institutional upbringing. I came out of House E1J4M11. Good old '11, as my group called it."

"But I LIKE having a family."

"I know, kid," the visitor said as he patted him on the shoulder. "And your job was to come here and learn. We really hope to establish formal contact with these people one day; in the meantime, you and the other ambassadors can help build the family institution on our planet so our whole world can experience it. You want to do that, don't you? It's what you signed up for."

"I volunteered?"

"Sure. Oh wait. Snap." The visitor snapped his fingers. "Man, I like being able to do that - what a great gesture." He snapped his fingers again in appreciation, then pulled a small remote out of a chest pocket. "Here, let me reset the memory block." He punched a button, and North remembered.

His planet. The group of beings his age. Learning by remote - some grown being recorded giving lessons.

Sterile.

He also remembered wondering if there might be some other way to mature and being contacted by a scientist that told him there was another way. Brullis. This man's name was Brullis. And he had offered N'oth a chance to help bring it back to his planet.

His name was N'oth. So much like North, it was no wonder he never asked his parents here about his name.

But for all its faults, the family was superior to the system that raised him. They must be able to institute it back home. They HAD to. He was almost jealous of the beings on his planet who would have the joy of discovering what having a family was like. But that was there.

"What happens when I disappear here?" he asked Brullis. He found he really liked his family, now. Even the Nelsons were a real jewel of a family.

"That's where the magic comes in, kid. We found another kid - an orphan - this is so close to you that it'll knock your socks off." Brullis looked down at the bare feet of N'oth. "See - told you. Anyway, he comes in, he starts making mistakes and all the pressure for a kid named North just melts away. He'll be just a normal kid, with a normal life. In the meantime, we head home and start telling everyone back there how is should be done. Up for the challenge?"

"You bet."

"Great. Let's go get that other kid while we've got the world on hold."

The End

A/N: Another movie that was greatly panned by critics and appears on some worst movie lists. Is it that bad?

It wasn't great, and some of the sequences are a little outlandish, until you realize at the end that they are dream sequences. Ultimately, I can think of two movies I've paid to see that are even worse so that's something.

But I just HAD to throw an elbow into the rib of the "It's all a dream" trope.