Summon of the Sun
Summary: Even after everything, even after all those years, the girl still tries to find solace in the shadows.
She knew she could probably never admit it out loud, especially not to Mal, but there were days when she couldn't ignore the longing in her heart, buried so deep nothing could ever reach it anymore.
She'd stand under the sun on summer's hottest days for hours on end, and yet the feeling wasn't the same. Still, she remained, even if her skin turned red and she then couldn't stand the brush of clothing over her skin later on.
In winter, she'd go out to take a long walk during the night, when the shadows were at its deepest and no one else would dare go out.
She looked for him, for any sign; a slight pull at the connection they once shared, a whisper by her ear, the flicker of a shadow.
She was the only one who dared go outside at such hours.
"Don't stay out late or The Darkling will snatch you." Parents told their children to get them to behave; she had even heard the staff at the orphanage saying so to her kids.
"There's no need to fear him." She had told them later on, still turning the lights on so they could rest easy, a sad look on her face. "There's no need to fear the dead. Nothing lurks in the shadows."
Except she didn't believe that last part. She didn't want to.
Mal sometimes asked her why she really took those long walks.
"I just wanna stretch my legs." "I just need to feel the air." Or jokingly, she'd say to him: "I need to be far away so I don't kick you."
He didn't ask her anymore, probably to avoid an inevitable discussion. He probably suspected why she searched in the shadows, but she'd never voice it to him.
Out, in the cold, she looked from one dark place to another, her heart and mind calling to a long dead bond.
She'd close her eyes and try to feel that pull, but all she felt was a void.
Sometimes, if she was feeling too brave, or bold, or desperate -depending on who you asked- she'd even call his name.
"Aleksander."shyly whispered into the nothingness, receiving only the sounds of nature as an answer.
She was ridiculous. Or mad. Probably both. That man -for she had long ago stopped calling him a monster, at least inside her head- had only bought her pain; not only to her, but to those she held closest to her heart.
Still.
...still.
She gave up, turned around, and marched back to the house, barely visible in the dark. The only light coming off of it was that of the fire by which her husband awaited for her with a cup of tea; it was a little ritual before turning in for the night.
She entered the space and there he was, stoking the fire before letting himself fall back on a couch with a heavy sigh.
Silently, she sat next to him, and Mal put his arm around her and kissed the top of her head.
It warmed her heart, but it didn't burn.
Maybe she'd end up becoming like Baghra, locked up inside a room steaming hot trying to set herself ablaze. She knew it wouldn't work, but at this rate, she might as well try.
Winter went on as usual, freezing everything which had no refuge, killing everything soft, colder and colder, and darker yet,...nothing.
Then spring came, and very so slowly, the snow began to melt, and the trees gave birth to small flowers and the grass was visible again.
Mal and the staff had decided to take the children out on a picnic, but she had decided to stay.
"I'm not feeling very well." she had said, to which her husband had frowned and pressed a hand to her forehead. "It's nothing, really. I'm just tired."
He'd smiled and kissed her goodbye before leaving with the little rascals, and she had smiled too, waving at them and wishing them fun.
Slowly, she walked up the stairs and entered their bedroom. After a minute of contemplation, she kneeled by the bed and pulled out a box. It had the royal sigil on it.
She opened it and took the note, affection nugging at her.
"You will always be one of us." it read, in Zoya's elegant handwriting.
Carefully, she set the note atop of the bed and took the blue kefta. The golden trim was beautiful, and so detailed; it expanded all the way from the neck, down her sides and to the back, meeting in the shape of a sun.
She raised up to her feet and, almost trembling, put it on for the first time. One sleeve at a time. Button by button.
She pushed her hair back and stood in front of her too large mirror -a gift from Genya and David-, and took a look.
It fit a bit too tight, having been made years ago, yet she felt perfect in it. She eyed herself from all angles and giggled, surprised at the sound.
She heard a sound and rushed to the window, but it was just some crows.
She looked up at the sky and closed her eyes, taking in the sun again, as she had done plenty of times before, as she'd do plenty more in the future. Her hand went up and quickly flickered.
Nothing.
She pressed her cheek against the wood and planted her palm on the glass, trying to swallow back her disappointment.
A shiver went up her back; it was cold but not uncomfortable. She took a step back, the light seeming to recede from her, and then she felt it.
Soft, freezing, lingering.
It was like a kiss on her right cheek, while the other still burnt from the exposure to the light.
Her breath caught in her throat and her eyes shut. Her arms went around her, fingers digging into her own waist as she struggled to decide if it had been real or not.
"Aleksander?" she asked into the void.
Something cold surrounded her, like a blanket,...no, not a blanket.
An embrace.
Tears filled her eyes but she wouldn't spill them.
It was so strange. The cold at her back and around her arms only; a chill over the right side of her face.
She dared herself to open her eyes; the shape of her own shadow at a slightly odd angle. Fearful of the cold going away, she moved her right arm up, stretching it to her side. The shadow waited, and after a few seconds, followed her movement.
She felt a cold breeze running down that arm, down to the tip of her fingers.
"Aleksander." she sighed, almost smiling.
All she felt was another pressing cold against her cheek, and then it was all gone.
She turned around, not knowing what to find. Would he be standing there? Like he had all those times she had unknowingly called on him at the Little Palace?
But all she saw was the dark wooden wall, the same stain of humidity on its place.
Quickly, she took off her kefta and put it back in its place, along with the note, and ran down the stairs.
She was insane, surely.
Was it really him? Or was she so desperate that her mind conjured it all up just to get her to drop it?
She placed her hands on the sink and looked out. Any trace of the people who lived in the house with her had long since disappeared in the horizon. A butterfly flew across the window and settled on a pink flower.
She looked down and found a loaf of bread left behind.
She didn't think about it. Her hand went up, her fingers twitched, and the shadow cast by the bread upon the counter shifted and then moved.
It stopped after a few seconds, and she dropped her hand, truly feeling tired this time.
A smile graced her face, and she slowly walked to the couch, where she laid down for a nap.
She examined her fingers with a soft look, and then placed her hand against her right cheek with a silly smile.
Turning, her eyes spotted the first dark corner they could find, and finding some semblance of solace, she drifted off into a world of fantasy, where things may have just been a little bit different.
A/N: IDK what possesed me to write this, but i havent even checked it so there's probably all kinds of mistakes. Sorry. English isnt my first language. I sould really be practicing for my lesson right now instead of doing this lol. If you see any mistake, please, point it out, and please, if it's not too much to ask, let me know what you think