Before I get started, this is a crack fic. Characters are definitely going to be OOC at points.
Hi! I should really be working on other stories, but this was bugging me today, and here I am. This is an idea I've had for a while thanks to a ton of inspirations and I finally had the chance to get it going. This is primarily going to be a bunch of oneshots. The evil team bosses are some of my favorite characters, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't created a version of them in the Sims all in this exact situation XD I will say updates are going to be kind of random, so don't necessarily expect any kind of schedule for this story. I've got a bunch of ideas lined up for future chapters though that I can't wait to get to. Let me know what you think!
Cyrus looked at the crumbling house on the outskirts of Goldenrod City and sighed. He'd really hoped it wouldn't come to this.
Living with his former admins had become tiresome, not to mention mildly humiliating, and with a price still on his head in Sinnoh after fleeing the "alternative" therapy the judge had ordered him to do with Flint and Volkner to rehabilitate him back into society, it was kind of hard to get a job. But anything was better than spending mandated time with Flint. So, he'd packed his bags and come to Goldenrod, all the way in Johto, to what was quite literally his last resort.
The house seemed inconspicuous enough from the outside. It had seen better days, a fact made obvious by the shredded metal pieces of the formerly screened-in porch designed to keep the Beedrill at bay and the rotting steps leading up to it. Cyrus doubted they would hold his weight. Still, it was home now, and he couldn't really judge, even if the house was painted a rather ghastly shade of purple. Besides, it was better this way. If he had to listen to another hour of Mars talking about him, Jupiter talking about her, and Saturn talking in general, he was going to lose it. And then there was Charon.
Given the chance, if they could've continued paying his portion of the rent, he probably would have stayed.
But, they couldn't, and at that point they were no longer of use to him. And anyway, Flint was definitely catching onto his whereabouts after the recent incident at the Poké Mart, and that was as good an excuse as any to flee the region entirely. Cyrus would not be subjected to another "hug-it-out" session with Volkner so both of them could get in touch with their feelings. He may have lost his pride when his maniacal aspirations were crushed by a meddling ten year old, but he had not lost his dignity. That had come when he'd been forced to share a room with Saturn.
But here, here Cyrus would have his own room! There would be no lights out at ten, no Jupiter drunkenly stumbling into his room at two in the afternoon. Cyrus was a free man.
Here, as a man too rapidly approaching his thirties, he would begin life anew.
The rickety door creaked open, revealing a stocky man with a muscular frame and terrifyingly white teeth that broke out in a broad grin. Cyrus would have known that dark beard and ridiculous blue bandana anywhere. It was Archie, "nefarious" former leader of Team Aqua. Cyrus couldn't think of a more absurd plot to bring the world to its knees, except maybe the one devised by the tall red-haired man who appeared next to Archie in the doorway.
Fortunately, Cyrus's face was set in a perpetual scowl, so he didn't have to bother trying to hide his displeasure. In fact, the last time he'd really smiled had been in the Distortion World, and well, that had been short-lived.
At least Maxie didn't have the gall to grin stupidly like this was the greatest thing in the world as his deranged counterpart did. Cyrus could respect that. Cyrus could nearly even respect Maxie, though that was asking a lot. Maxie was almost a man of science like himself, however his irrational desire to create more landmass through an ill-designed, poorly researched plan made him more of a failed ecoterrorist lunatic too mad to be taken seriously.
At least he wasn't planning to drown them all. It was a small consolation prize.
These men were to be his new roommates. Cyrus wondered how he'd allowed himself to fall to such a pitiable state. He'd truly thought he could sink no longer, yet the universe seemed determined to prove otherwise.
"Cyrus!" Archie hopped down from the porch easily clearing the steps yet plummeting face-first into Cyrus's bags. He popped up in the middle of the pile a second later, his cheerful expression undisturbed. Cyrus looked away, disgusted. Perhaps there was a fate worse than death.
Maxie welcomed him more formally, ushering him inside while Archie manhandled the bags. Archie was undoubtedly the poster child for Cyrus's crusade against emotions. Using him as a scapegoat would have garnered more support, and then maybe, just maybe…
No, he couldn't dwell on the past. Thanks to that heaving sack of bodily fluids and the disgustingly beautiful Cynthia, the Distortion World and the new world without flaws he promised were no longer in his grasp. This was his life now.
The front door led straight into the kitchen and its ancient pastel orange appliances. Whoever painted the place lacked taste, because the walls were a nauseating sunshine yellow. Was it too much to ask for a subtle gray? Cyrus could only hope the appearance was temporary. These conditions were starting to be too much.
Sitting at the table drinking a cup of coffee was the only reason Cyrus had decided to come here, and the only person worth Cyrus's respect: Giovanni.
There was a man who knew what he was doing, even if it had led to his team's downfall twice. Although, technically Giovanni hadn't been involved the second time. A quick survey revealed Archer was nowhere to be seen. Thank Arceus. Cyrus was done with butt-kissing assistants. They had Archie to do all the manual labor anyway. Cyrus assumed that was the primary purpose of keeping him around. The other bosses had been living together for two months and Cyrus couldn't come up with a valid reason for wanting to live with Archie no matter how much he racked his brains. Other than sheer desperation, of course.
Leaving Archie and Maxie deep in the throes of another water v. land argument that had started when Archie dumped Cyrus's luggage on the counter and spilled a glass of the offending liquid, Giovanni, either oblivious or numb to the dispute, led Cyrus into the hall for the official tour.
The living room and its outdated bulky 1990s TV were right next to the kitchen thanks to the open concept layout, which was terrible for Cyrus because he could only assume that would mean he'd be forced to socialize while attempting to conjure up something edible.
The bathroom was nothing special either other than the disco ball hanging down from it. An office was at the end of the hall, a pile of papers neatly scattered on the desk. The door to the basement had an "OFF LIMITS" sign on it. Giovanni didn't bring it up and Cyrus decided not to question it.
Upstairs, there were rooms. So many rooms! It made the apartment Cyrus had lived in with his executives look like a dump. Although in fairness, they had lived right next to the biggest dump in Sinnoh. It was the only place with cheap rent that smelled bad enough no one would come looking for ex-master criminals. That Looker guy had dropped by for about five minutes once and scouted the outside while the inhabitants attempted to hide in the laundry rom, but he hadn't lasted long. Flint was a more effective detective than that guy.
They probably could've added at least another roommate looking at all the doors leading to unused rooms, though Cyrus loathed the idea of more occupants. He'd shed plenty of deadweight leaving the old apartment and wasn't keen on gaining it back. Three roommates were more than enough, especially when the twin terrors of Hoenn were involved.
Giovanni's door was closed. Cyrus wondered what a crime boss genius could be hiding behind it, but he didn't have time to dwell on the matter. Next to his room was one of the most horrifying sights Cyrus had ever laid eyes on.
There were two beds. Half the room was red. The other half was blue. The red half had a large "M" logo painted on the back wall and the blue an "A." The blue half was significantly more chaotic than the red, with clothes strewn about. Someone had at least attempted to make an effort at folding on the red looking at the bed.
"They share a room," Cyrus said in flat disbelief.
Giovanni nodded. "They share a room," he repeated gravely. "When we first got here, they both wanted this room. Neither would budge. It was the only way they would compromise."
The room was hardly any bigger than any of the others he'd seen so far. He couldn't imagine what could possibly make it so special. Cyrus looked at the giant Groudon plush on the red side. "Oh," was all he could manage.
They quickly left the nightmare scene behind, though the image was forever burned in Cyrus's mind.
Unfortunately, Giovanni stopped again just one room over. Cyrus already knew what he would say. "This will be yours," Giovanni explained. Cyrus found himself already missing ten o'clock lights out. With those two next door fighting at all hours of the night he would never get any sleep.
Cyrus peered inside. A bed was tucked away in the corner. The walls were white, the room void of any sense of personality. It was perfect.
More importantly, it was his alone. For that, he could deal with noisy neighbors.
Cyrus and Giovanni rushed downstairs then to rescue Cyrus's things before the two morons in the kitchen could cause them any damage. Left to their own devices, the argument had quickly escalated in their absence. Archie was spraying Maxie with the sink nozzle while Maxie threw unlit candles at him and yelled incoherently through a mouthful of water.
"Just let them be," Giovanni advised. Cyrus hoped that wasn't a sign this was a common occurrence.
They placed his things in the empty room upstairs. Cyrus reveled in the silence, knowing it wouldn't last.
"I know this isn't ideal, but you've come at a great time in the growth of our alliance," Giovanni spoke. "This union shall be beneficial to us all."
Cyrus only nodded as he set a bag on the bed. Thank Arceus the room had one. It would've been such a pain to try and transport one on Honchkrow.
"We're horribly behind on rent."
Cyrus looked up sharply, unsure he had caught Giovanni's words correctly.
The older man didn't elaborate further, leaving Cyrus to ponder if his sudden invitation to live there under pretenses of a safe hideout hadn't been that random after all. "Let's go make sure they haven't flooded the kitchen again."
Again?
When they got there, Archie and Maxie were sitting quietly on opposite ends of the couch, watching cartoons on the blurry television screen, the remote placed equidistant between them. The only sign there had ever been an altercation was the disaster now being ignored in the kitchen. Glass littered the soaking wet floor as moisture seeped into the grout around the tile. The window had a large, shiny new crack running down the middle of it that Cyrus was positive he hadn't seen when he first walked in. Archie and Maxie looked unperturbed.
Cyrus could tell Giovanni was about to launch into a massive lecture, sensing the irritation coming off him in waves. Cyrus had done the same thing himself last night when his old executives were being difficult. Someone had to at least stand up for Saturn and pretend to be interested in his well being once in a while, or else they'd lose their maid. Charon was abysmal at chores. Cyrus wondered who did the cleaning here, because he certainly wasn't going to. Probably Maxie.
Archie beat Giovanni before he could unleash his building rage. "Hey! So now that Cyrus is here, we've come up with our new group name!"
Giovanni facepalmed.
"Previously we were R.A.M.," Maxie informed Cyrus seriously. "Rocket, Aqua, Magma. But with the addition of your Galactic, Cyrus, G.R.A.M. is much, much better. Certainly better than M.A.R.G."
"It still feels incomplete," Archie mused. "Like something's missing."
Maxie glared at him. "I told you, if Magma can't be first, then neither can Aqua. We are not calling ourselves A.R.M.G."
"No, that's not what I meant!" Archie protested, but it was too late. Within moments, they were on the ground wrestling, knocking the discount coffee table over. Archie had the scrawny, nerdier man pinned down in seconds and whooped victoriously.
Giovanni sighed. "Welcome to hell, Cyrus."
Welcome to hell, indeed.