Disclaimer: I do not own the original canon nor am I making any profit from writing this piece. All works are accredited to their original authors, performers, and producers while this piece is mine. No copyright infringement is intended. I acknowledge that all views and opinions expressed herein are merely my interpretations of the characters and situations found within the original canon and may not reflect the views and opinions of the original author(s), producer(s), and/or other people.
Warnings: This story may contain material that is not suitable for all audiences and may offend some readers. Additionally, there is reference to character deaths believed to have happened in canon. Please exercise understanding of personal sensitivities before and during reading.
Author's Note(s): I am not tagging this Major Character Death even though the belief that Tony is dead is the central plot point. My reasoning is that Tony did not actually die in canon. This is literally just angst over that perceived death with a tiny bit of comfort, however, so no hard feelings if you nope out. And this directly follows "Speaking without Words", so if you haven't read that fic, this one might not make sense.
Challenge/Competition Block:
Stacked with: MC4A (Games/SE Circle)
Individual Challenges: Fix-It Felix; SHIELD MC (x2); Neurodivergent; Rian-Russo Inversion; Disabled; Iron Fam Checklist [Turing Tested]; Short Jog; Marvelous Cinema; Old Shoes; Zed Era; Ship Sails; The Story Goes On; Two Cakes (Y); Eating Cake (Y)
Other MC4A Challenges (Prompt): SpB [3C](Spider); TrB [4B](The Sidekick); Ship (Black Bow)[Bingo](1A - Grief/Mourning); Chim [Fish](Family/Friendship; Cuddling/Snuggling ); Hunt [Sp WD](Deaf/HoH);
Representation: Natasha Romanoff/Clint Barton QPR; Pre-Ship Clint Barton/Tony Stark; Deaf/HoH Clint Barton; Found Family
Primary & Secondary Bonus Challenge(s): Found Family; Nontraditional; Sneeze Weasel; Zucchini Bread; Machismo; Second Verse (Ladylike; Not a Lamp); Chorus (Wabi Sabi)
Tertiary & Generic Bonus Challenges: T3 (Toad); SN (Rail; Ameliorate)
Word Count: 1377 words
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Without Hope
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Natasha was waiting for him when Clint got back from the first mission SHIELD assigned him after the Incident. It had taken nearly two months for the organization to sort out the necessary protocols for reinstating an agent that had gone rogue due to mind control. Not that Clint had minded the slowness of the carefully prepared process and evaluation. The wait had given him plenty of time to get used to the amenities of Stark Tower (including hanging out in the single A that Tony had repaired from the broken signage) as well as establishing something almost like a routine with the resident Stark.
Honestly, after a little over a month away on a deep cover op, Clint was looking forward to returning to said tower and seeing what holiday weirdness Tony could come up with for their usual Tuesday pizza almost as much as he was looking forward to taking out his hearing aids for an extended period time. Nothing like a team without another signer to make a guy appreciate having a family friends who could communicate if he didn't feel like wearing the stupid things. He had missed Hanukkah already, but since Tony was only sort of Jewish and it had been for work, Clint figured he would be forgiven. Rhodes had definitely missed it as well, after all, and yeah, he didn't have the history with Tony that Rhodes did, but at the end of the day, Clint was prettier which was exactly the defense that Clint was going to use with Tony because it would make him laugh.
It was still kind of weird that Natasha was waiting for him on the landing strip for the plane instead of outside the debriefing rooms or medical. Clint tried not to listen to the little voice whispering that Natasha wanted to check if he was going to betray them like he had under Loki's control, that he had destroyed her trust in him. Natasha would never hold that against him, no more than he would hold her difficulties letting go of her Red Room training against her. Hell, sometimes her tendency to disassociate from emotions completely like taking off uncomfortable clothing was actually useful.
Clint didn't like the way her face looked like that was what she was currently doing.
"Hey, Nat," he greeted as the other members of the team continued around them. No one had really gotten hurt and the plane ride had been long enough that everyone had time to finish the paperwork end of things. All that was great, considering it was Christmas Eve and even agents of SHIELD wanted to be anywhere but work already. Having spent over a month with only the team and marks was enough to bred a low level contempt between them. It was going to be worn off by New Year's. Clint wasn't worried about it as much as he was how Nat was still not saying anything. He couldn't help the tiny edge of steel that laced his voice as he said her name again.
"It's Stark," she said flatly, and Clint knew that he shouldn't have taken the mission. It was too soon after the Incident.
Tony still had nightmares often, even with Clint next to him. Pepper might be a formidable woman in her own right, but at the end of the day, she was a civilian and didn't understand what came with choosing to meet violence with violence. Not to mention that things between her and Tony had been strained the last few months as they both tried to balance the way things had shifted after their breakup. Rhodes was off earning his way back into his SO's good graces after he had gone AWOL trying to help with the Incident. Tony had given Happy the entirety of SI to distract him. Natasha would have sat with Tony, no matter her previous opinions (which Clint knew had changed even if Natasha would deny it), because she knew Clint would have wanted her to, but Tony was still skittish around her.
"Yesterday evening, an unmarked helicopter fired missiles at the Malibu Point mansion," Natasha continued. Her light green eyes glittered even as her face remained blank and her voice didn't waver. Clint wasn't aware of dropping his mission bag anymore than he was the hand he used to grab her shoulder. She didn't wince or tense in his desperate grip. "Stark, Potts, and an unidentified woman was inside when the attack started. Potts had the suit on when she and the woman escaped. Potts immediately sent the suit back in, but the cliff had already given way. Nothing is confirmed yet, but it is not listed as a rescue operation."
It hit Clint then just how much he had come to rely on Tony instead of the other way around. He had never really had a home outside of the SHIELD barracks. The closest he had come in the past was the spare bedroom Coulson kept just for him at his brownstone in DC. The suite Tony had made for Clint had been his, though, and no one else's. Tony had made sure that Clint knew that, not only by putting it in writing on the door but by backing it up with action. Clint knew that Natasha had felt the same way about her apartment.
Even more than the physical space, Tony had given them both a home. The genius had skirted around Natasha more often than not, but Clint knew about their spa dates. He wasn't sure when that had started, but at least once a week, both of them disappeared for a few hours and came back smelling like plants. Just like Clint's ongoing thing of nights spent cuddling Tony, Natasha had worked in whatever they did at the spa. (Once he would have expected them to become drinking buddies, given what the reports had said about them both, but this fit better than he could have imagined.) Even terrified of the infamous Widow, Tony had still made sure she had a never-ending supply of those fancy candies that she tried to hide that she loved.
They had been building something like a family together. It would have been better if Coulson had still been alive, if only because Coulson had always made things better for Clint and losing him was like losing a limb. Yet Tony didn't seem to mind that Clint came packaged with Natasha just as much as Tony came with Pepper, Happy, and Rhodey alongside enough sentient creations to worry SHIELD should they find out how independent they truly were.
Clint was barely aware of Natasha moving them both into the building. He felt numb, like everything was just too much handle. Coulson's death hadn't hit him this hard. Barney's betrayal hadn't hurt this much. It was like his mind could not process what was happening beyond a vague awareness of Natasha beside him. She had one hand holding his draw wrist tight enough that he wouldn't be surprised to find bruises. Her other hand was laying against the back of his neck, not holding or pressing or stroking. Just laying there as a tiny spot of warmth in a world that felt colder than it had since his mother had died.
He should be debriefing. After Coulson's death, he had completed the mission, and he had been an almost direct cause of his death. The least he could do was finish the mission that had taken him away from Tony for an entire month when he had still been struggling. Clint should have been here, should have stayed, but he had gone anyway and now Tony was—he was—
Clint choked on the sob that tried to wrench itself loose. Natasha pressed her lips against his forehead, not so much a kiss as it was another point of contact. She wasn't good with words. Even actions like this was not her preference. Both had been tainted for her by the Red Room. This was only because she knew he would want it, that it would tell him everything he needed to hear and she wouldn't be able to say.
Clint gave up trying to hold himself together.
Natasha held him through it.
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An Ending
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