...This is just crack. Pure crack. Like this is the most crackiest thing I think I've ever written, it so cracky. Also, this does not follow canon because Lancelot is still alive and I refuse to accept any evidence to the contrary. I'm sorry for the lack of Gwaine.
I don't own Merlin.
"—And what would you know about magic, Merlin?"
"A lot more than you considering I was born with magic." Merlin answered without thinking and—holy crap, he just admitted that and oh gods this was not going to end well, he's going to be banished or bloody executed—as they rode on horseback through the forest. "Sire." He added the honorific after a minute.
The king—Albion's greatest hope and warrior and king, etc.—snorted. "Yeah, right—Enough of your jokes, Merlin or you'll be mucking out the stables twice a day for a week when we get back." Arthur then proceeded to do the moronic thing and poke the temple that should not be disturbed.
Merlin face-palmed.
Dusting his hands off, Merlin turned and froze in horror when he spotted Arthur and the knights behind the king.
He looked at the assassin he had just knocked out with magic and then back to the king before looking back at the assassin. "Erm…" He started, speaking very articulately and intelligently.
"Merlin, why is there an assassin on the floor?" Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose.
Merlin stared at him—wondering where the accusations of betrayal were—before looking back at the assassin. "Probably because he was planning to kill you." He answered in a dubious voice.
Arthur nodded. "And I suppose he fainted when he realized that he was caught." He looked supremely smug and pleased with himself at the thought of an assassin fainting at his presence.
"No. I used magic to knock him out." Merlin corrected.
Snorting, Arthur gestured for Leon and Elyan to escort the assassin to the dungeons in a series of hand-gestures that Merlin didn't even try to understand. "Right. One more joke about you having magic and the stocks will be welcoming back their favorite occupant."
Merlin and Lancelot exchanged looks while the rest of the knights continued on obliviously and the former seriously contemplated bashing his head against the wall.
"Arthur, I have magic." Merlin confessed.
He had been working on admitting his magic for weeks—tensions seemed to be at an all-time low and he was exhausted with all of the lies. "Merlin, what have I said about telling all of these 'I have magic' jokes?" Arthur questioned, pitching his voice higher to mimic Merlin.
Merlin rolled his eyes. "I'm not joking, Arthur. I was born with magic. I have practiced magic every day since I came to Camelot and I use it for you, only for you." He was not following the script he had set for himself, but he could feel his eye twitching at Arthur's blatant refusal to see the truth.
He would get the prat to see the truth even if he had to hit the king upside the head with his own spell-book (well Gaius's, but Merlin used it more, so it was more so his).
"Look, do you need proof?" He rolled his eyes once again.
A whispered word and a globe of light hovered in his palm.
Arthur's eyes widened.
"Guards!" The king called and Merlin took a step back.
The guards burst into the king's chambers. They looked around for a source of danger before turning to the king for direction. "There is a sorcerer running loose who has possessed my manservant." Arthur informed them.
Merlin's jaw dropped as Arthur stirred up a commotion looking for this made-up sorcerer. "What in the bloody hell?"
They were caught in a dungeon again.
Bandits or mercenaries or whomever woke up and decided they want to enact a plot against Arthur today had caught them during Arthur's weekly bunny-slaughtering excursion.
So, now, they were all chained to a wall in a dungeon.
Merlin just sighed.
This was all Arthur's fault.
A whispered word and the chains fell from his hands. "Alright, let's go." Merlin announced, eyes flashing gold as he freed them from their manacles. Leon's jaw dropped along with Percival's, though the others looked utterly unruffled, and Arthur rolled his eyes.
"Merlin, don't forget who gives the orders around here." Arthur spoke pompously.
He rolled his eyes—it was an hourly thing when one put up with Arthur. "Considering I just freed us with the magic I was bloody born with…I think I can say 'let's go.'" Merlin crossed his arms.
Arthur sighed. "This is really not the time for your 'I have magic' jokes."
Merlin gaped. "You just bloody saw me perform magic." He threw his hands up in exasperation.
The king looked thoughtful. "Yes, perhaps, the sorcerer who sometimes possesses you in Camelot followed us. Perhaps, he and the bandits will off each other." Arthur went to the cell door and Merlin opened it. "Perhaps, I should thank the sorcerer that sometimes possesses you, he is half-competent."
He facepalmed. Loudly.
Lancelot and he looked at each other, then back at the king, then at each other once more. Lancelot sighed and Merlin face-palmed, wishing he could just go bash his head in.
A noble had found Merlin using magic and had snatched him up and brought him before the king.
It was the same noble Merlin had suspected of being in cahoots with Morgana and all the people's whose first names started with Mor-.
This noble had just brought Merlin before the court and accused him of magic—testifying that he had seen it. Arthur had looked at Merlin before snorting rather loudly. "There is a sorcerer that keeps possessing him." Arthur had explained.
Lord Ass looked dumbfounded. He gaped wordlessly. "…are you certain, sire? I saw his eyes turn a traitorous gold with my own eyes." The lord treaded cautiously.
Arthur arched an eyebrow. "Do you doubt your king?"
"Yes, he's not the brightest." Merlin muttered.
"Shut up, Merlin."
Lord Ass looked even more dumbfounded. "No, sire. I do not doubt you." He shot Merlin a venomous look. "Though, perhaps if this Marvin is—"
"It's Merlin." Merlin corrected.
"—so easily possessed he should be locked away in the dungeon." Lord Ass finished as if Merlin hadn't even spoken.
Arthur shook his head. "Who else will muck out my stables and spend time in the stocks?" He waved a dismissive hand.
The noble stared. "…there are other servants, sire."
The king did not budge on this matter and Merlin just sighed. He hated and loved this new thing where he could perform magic, and everyone would believe he was possessed by some other sorcerer. It sucked for his kin. But was great for him protecting Arthur without coming up with excuses.
"Morgana."
"Merlin."
They circled one another in the clearing. Morgana's eyes glowed gold and Merlin was already feeling his magic sizzle and simmer underneath his skin. "How dare you pretend to have magic?" Morgana finally screeched.
Merlin face-palmed. "I am not bloody pretending, I was born with magic, you half-witted brat." He insulted. His eyes glowed gold and Morgana found herself being thwacked with many branches.
That was the scene Arthur and the others stumbled upon a few minutes later. Morgana bruised and bloody from falling branches and Merlin scowling. "I am a priestess of the old religion; I know magic when I see it." She screeched again, sounding much like a dying animal. "You faker."
Merlin yelled. "I just dropped an entire bloody forest on you."
"No, it was the sorcerer that sometimes possesses Merlin." Arthur interjected. His sword was drawn and pointed at Morgana.
Understanding filled Morgana's eyes. "Emrys." She hissed, "The coward would of course rely on possessing a weak serving boy."
Merlin calmly dropped his hands to his sides, calmly adopted a calm expression, and calmly walked over to the tree and slammed his head against it with utmost calmness.
Gaius looked very sympathetic when Merlin told him. He sat with him and patted his shoulder, reminiscing on the stupidity of Pendragon men.
Merlin rather thought that it was Uther Pendragon who was completely responsible for his son's complete and utter stupidity. Damn Uther Pendragon and his insistence that all magic was evil and blah, blah, blah—
It had to happen the bloody one time he is actually in the tavern.
Merlin needed a drink—blame Arthur and Camelot's whole stupidity for that one—and had come to the tavern for some mead. Gwaine may or may not have been involved. Gwaine may or may not have also almost started a tavern brawl over his hair.
You really don't want to know.
Point is some mercenary group decided to attack the citadel while he was in the tavern. Merlin blamed Morgana—who used to be smarter before being evil caused all of her brain cells to rot—because she was a bitch.
He threw open the throne room doors with magic.
And gaped at the sight in front of him.
Five hideously-colored cloak wearing sorcerer were arguing over who got to deliver the monologue while Camelot's court was tied up—somehow Gwaine had joined that crew though Merlin had no idea how that had happened.
He face-palmed and then proceeded to bind them all together and chuck them out the window before fixing the window before Gaius could raise his eyebrow clear off his forehead.
"…still refusing to accept that I have magic and am a warlock, then?" Merlin asked those in attendance, eye twitching slightly.
Arthur rolled his eyes. "You can't fool me, Emrys. Merlin's too much of an idiot to have magic." He declared pompously.
Subtly, Merlin dropped a pitcher of wine on the king's head. Arthur glared. "What?" Merlin asked innocently shrugging. "It was the warlock that possesses me. Guess he didn't like you calling me an idiot."
He was almost bloody relieved when the sorcerer they were fighting knocked Arthur out. Merlin was thoroughly tired of people refusing to accept what was right bloody in front of them.
Arthur hadn't been knocked out in a while.
Though, thinking about it—Arthur had been knocked out approximately 253 times since Merlin met him.
Maybe that was why he refused to accept what was right in front of him.
Too much brain damage.
Merlin took out his frustration at the revelation on the sorcerer who dropped five tree branches on Arthur's hard head. By the end of it, the sorcerer was smoking, and his hair cackled with electricity. He kept twitching too.
The warlock felt only slightly sorry.
Then he remembered that it was because of the frequent knocking-outs that Arthur had such bad brain damage that he refused to acknowledge the truth.
"—and even when I bloody told everyone that I'm a warlock, that I bloody have magic. They still laughed—bloody laughed—in my face when I told them." Merlin gestured randomly, hands shaking with his energy and pacing madly, wearing a path in the dew-covered grass. "I even performed bloody magic in front of them—in front of them, by gods—and instead of believing me. They—They thought there was another sorcerer around manipulating me!"
"…"
He gestured inarticulately, gesturing for the point of finding an outlet for the maddening energy boiling underneath his skin. Merlin paused his pacing to peer at the great dragon. "Are you absolutely positive that we have the right Once and Future King?" He asked.
A huff of air. "…yes." Kilgarrah answered.
Forget a headache, Merlin had a bloody migraine. "Then Albion is doomed."
"…"
Bonus
"—you've lied to me all this time." Arthur's voice was exhausted and pained.
Merlin tried to be understanding—he really did—but he couldn't stop himself from scowling incredulously. "Are you bloody kidding me, right now?" His voice was loud and incredulous.
"…"
His eye twitched. "Arthur, I've confessed to having magic at least five dozen times in the past year alone." Merlin continued in the same loud tone.
Arthur gaped. "You mean you weren't joking that entire time and there was no sorcerer possessing you."
"…you're an idiot." Merlin nodded to himself.
Arthur's expression became indignant. "That is two days in the stocks, Merlin."
"…I will actually give you donkey ears." Merlin warned. "Don't tempt me."