"My dude," said Danny, "I am really, really sorry about your window, but there are only so many ways to tell you that I'm not going to rat you out to the government for…" He let his eyes roam over the room full of t-shirts. "Honestly, I don't know what I'd even rat you out for. Did you steal these from the mall or something?"

Danny had been doing his normal ghost hunting routine when he'd been thrown into a mostly empty office building by an oversized mountain-lion ghost. He'd caught the ghost, but by that time the window was a lost cause, and everyone inside the not-actually-uninhabited building was freaking out about the IRS or the police or something.

At least, the people in the room were. Maybe if there were any people in other parts of the building, they were calmer.

He rubbed his head. He didn't think he had a concussion, but he'd definitely taken a few whacks to his good old noggin and he was having trouble focusing.

"No, no," said the man (short, round, vaguely South Asian, but honestly could have been from anywhere), "so theft, no stealing."

"Then I'm not sure what the problem is. You aren't hiding, like, kidnapping victims in here, are you?" he peered past the man, core flaring.

"No! No." The man leaned closer to Danny. Danny mirrored him. "We are making…" He let the pause drag on. "Knockoffs."

"Oh," said Danny. "Cool."

"You're not upset?"

"Nope."

"But you're, like, a superhero."

"Dude. Dude. My existence is literally illegal in all fifty states. I am breaking so many laws right now."

"What?"

"Being a ghost is one-hundred-percent illegal. Those government agent dudes that chase me around sometimes want to dissect me. I'm not going to report you to anyone." He paused. "As long as this isn't a sweatshop or anything. I draw the line at hurting people."

"Oh," said the man, as if he'd just been given a revelation.

"Yeah. Also, do my pupils look the same size to you? I think I have a concussion."

"What?"

"Because sometimes I prophesy when I have a concussion, and that's just a bad time for everyone. Also, don't get a dog."

"Uh."

Someone deeper in the room, hidden by a rack of clothing called for the man, who quickly ran off. Danny shrugged and flew away. He'd get Jazz to check him for concussions.

.

Somehow, inexplicably, word got out that Danny Phantom was down for crime.

This led to three separate people asking him to help them break into Vlad's manor. Which. Danny wasn't against on principle, but still. He declined.

(The ones who were trying to burglarize non-evil people got rejected with a bit more force.)

.

"I don't know why people keep asking me to do crime," said Danny. "I don't do crime."

"Yes, you do," said Tucker. He showed Danny his card. "What does this one do, again?"

Danny was attempting to teach Tucker, well, it didn't have an English name. Ghost poker, essentially. With Tucker's card-counting skills, Danny reckoned they could sweep the literally underground ghost poker tournament. If Tucker could learn the rules.

"For that one, you have to draw from the deck again," said Danny. "Anyway, this is different."

"You are wanted by the law in two dimensions."

"Walker is not the law," scoffed Danny. "Except, you know, on his own island."

"You're illegal by existing. You've convinced me to gamble for money."

"That's not illegal."

"It's a felony, Danny. You blew up Vlad's house. I think that counts as arson. Or something."

"That was an accident."

"The vandalism."

"Okay, that wasn't an accident."

"The ghost weed—"

"Ghost nip," corrected Danny.

"Ghost nip thing wasn't technically illegal, but I'm pretty sure that's because the government doesn't know it exists. As soon as they know it gives dead people superpowers—"

"Dead people already have superpowers. And that was also an accident. I hate being high."

"Sure. Anyway. Danny, you live a half-life of crime."

Danny grumbled.

"I think that swatting Vlad was also a crime."

"Not swatting. It was the GIW."

"Still illegal. How about those ectoguns? You have a concealed carry permit for them?"

"They aren't real guns."

"They're real weapons. You bring them to school."

Danny abandoned his hand of cards to push his face into one of his pillows. "Stoppit. I'm not crime."

"You are crime. Honestly, I think you should try to see how many crimes you can rack up."

"Seeing as this is kind of life and death," said Danny, "I don't really want to push it."

"Because you're half alive and half dead?"

"No, because the GIW will kill me if they catch me, and if the government gets me, they'll give me to the GIW."

"Oh. Wow. That got dark really fast." Tucker fell silent for a bit. Neither of them was paying attention to their card game anymore. "Hey, what about that car we stole, isn't that-?"

"Hrrrngh," said Danny.

.

"The IRS?" said Danny, incredulously. "You're IRS agents?"

The larger of the two suited men tried to pull himself out of the ectoplasmic web. "Uh," he said.

"Yes," said the shorter man. "Did you know, filing a false death report is a crime, as is not filing a death certificate?"

"You were carrying shotguns."

"Tax evaders can be dangerous."

"Shotguns full of salt."

"We aren't approved for lethal force."

"Salt."

"It's cheaper than a taser."

Danny shook his head. "Just admit that you're ghost hunters and go home."

"Only after you admit that you're committing tax fraud."

"I'm not committing tax fraud! I don't even file taxes!"

"Also a crime!"

"I make no money!"

"Or so you claim!"

Danny rolled his eyes. "I don't have time for this."

"Wait!" said the taller one. "You're not going to leave us here, are you?"

"It'll dissolve! Eventually!" shouted Danny.

"I've got to pee!"

"Tough!"

"Don't you dare!" shouted the other. "I'm right below you!"

Danny was not paid enough for this. (Or at all, technically.)

.

Danny stood between Johnny and Technus, staring at the clinking, churring machine that continuously output sheets of thick green paper.

"Why?"

"I've always wanted to get involved in a serious crime," said Johnny.

"I, TECHNUS, MASTER OF ALL TECHNOLOGY, WILL CONQUER THE UNITED STATES ECONOMY USING THE POWER OF COUNTERFEIT CURRENCY."

"Oh my god," said Danny. He looked at the nearest sheet. "Are those all ones?"

"THE LEAST LIKELY CURRENCY TO BE CHECKED, ACCORDING TO MY RESEARCH."

"Oh my god," repeated Danny. He brought his hands together as if praying, then looked heavenward. "You probably have more of these hidden somewhere, so I don't want to deal with it."

"No, this is—"

Technus rammed his elbow into Johnny's side.

"I don't want to deal with it," repeated Danny. "Don't spend it in Amity Park. Or Elmerton."

"Gotcha," said Johnny. "How much do you want for your cut."

"I want to go back in time to before you told me about this, that's what I want," said Danny.

.

"So, Sam," said Tucker, "did you hear that Danny's now a crime boss?"

"I am going to commit murder."

"That's a crime, Danny."

"I have a very good motive."

"Technically," said Tucker, now edging away from Danny, "that's still a crime."