A/N - I was listening to the song Happier - Ed Sheeran and the idea for this fanfiction came to me. This is my first try at writing anything of this sort. Please review if you like it.
Suggestion - Listen to Happier by Ed Sheeran while reading this.
Disclaimer - All the characters and the base plot of Vampire Academy belongs to Richelle Mead. The song and the lyrics used within the story belongs to Ed Sheeran.
3rd Person POV.
It had been a while since the fateful words, the ones whispered in the chapel. They were just four small words, shouldn't have been a big deal, but it was as if they shifted the Earth from its axis for the two people they were whispered between. What do they say? Words are mightier than swords, apparently stakes as well in this situation. As Rose claimed, Strigoi Dimitri being cruel and heinous did not hurt her as much as his indifference in those words did. For Rose, whatever Strigoi Dimitri did, it could never top Damphir one's actions. As for the person in question, he claimed he spoke the truth that day and he truly believed that he did, however, over the period of time he realised that guilt had masked his every other emotion, thus, rendering him unable to feel or experience anything other than the sense of self-loathing. How could he after what all he had done, not just to strangers, but also to a person whom he loved and cared for deeply, or at least used to at some point.
As much as Rose wanted the time to stop and just plunge into an abyss of despair, it didn't happen, life moved on and she had to move forward as well. Some days she still felt numb, however, some days were better. She had started to pick up her pieces little by little and dusted herself up to return to her full glory and that amazing Hathaway personality. Dimitri watched her from afar, he had been restored as a guardian, and not just any guardian rather as Princess Vasilisa's guardian. Due to being constantly with Vasilisa, he came across Rose quite a number of times. They acted indifferent towards each other as if they were some colleagues who had to bear with each other until the work day could end. However, few knew the extent of their familiarity with each other, although it didn't matter now, as it was mutually ignored by both of them.
Rose, however, wasn't as lucky in her career prospects, due to her cross - country shenanigans involving the last Dragomir, she was still serving the desk job with no prospect of going on active duty anytime in the near future. This added another point for Dimitri to add to his list of guilty acts towards Rose. With no sense of how to make amends, despite getting familiar with his previous emotions again, he decided to let Rose believe what he had told her and suffer in the hurt of being away from her silently. There was nothing he could do now to make anything better, or so he thought.
One day, approximately a month after the church incident, after completing his shift with Vasilisa, Dimitri was walking towards guardian housing, he decided to take the short cut through the court gardens and park. It was there he spotted her with him. He knew Rose had been getting close to Adrian again after their confrontation in Church but they still tried to keep their distance in front of others, for whatever reasons. Here with no visible audience, Rose was wrapped in Adrian's arms, Dimitri wasn't close enough to hear their conversation, however he could see Rose's facial expressions, and she looked happy, well happier than she had been in the past month. He kept on walking towards his destination, storing those expressions of Rose in some dark corner of his mind, he hurt that he wasn't the one to put them there but he was content nonetheless knowing that she was getting better despite all that trauma. He carried on his days as if nothing was wrong, slamming his guardian mask whenever he realised his emotions could be visible on his face.
A few days later, after an extremely exhausting day, physically as well as mentally, he decided to turn to alcohol, he rarely did that as he had seen and faced the consequences of drinking beyond one's limit, however, today was one of those days he couldn't bring himself to care enough to avoid it. He wanted everything to be numb, or at least to be pushed to the back of his mind. However, that wasn't going to happen. While he was on his second shot of Russian Vodka, sitting in a dark corner booth of the court bar, his eyes fell upon the door which opened, Rose entered with Adrian in tow, they reached the bartender when Adrian moved forward, his hand on the small of her back and he whispered something in her ear which made her laugh boisterously. Dimitri's all efforts of pushing his past and Rose to the back of his mind now spoilt, he kept an eye on them, he was however hidden from their direct eyeline. They sat on the bar itself while nursing their drinks, Rose's laughter subsided, however in turn a smile brightened her already beautiful face, it was quite a wide smile, not just on her face, but a matching one could be spotted on Adrian's face as well. This again reiterated Dimitri's belief that they both were quite happy together; way more than she could be with him after all that he had done to her.
He couldn't take it anymore, it was true he had hurt her, way more than words could ever explain, way more than anyone could, however, it was also true that nobody could love her as deeply as he did. It was as if half a part of him was missing while she wasn't with him, but he had no way of making himself whole again.
Despite all this, he promised himself that he'll be happy for Rose and try to not take personally whenever she was with Adrian. How could he? it was his own idea to push her away towards someone else, he had to be fine with the idea of her moving on, and from his recent sightings of both of them together, Rose looked happy, happier than she had been.
Dimitri thought that he was being discreet in hiding his pain but Vasilisa and Christian noticed his longing looks towards Rose, they could see he tried to be happy for her, but he wanted to be the one making her happy. Christian talked to Tasha, his aunt, who came to court to pay her friend a visit, she tried to make Dimitri believe that everything would get better with time, he would be happy again, it'll just take a little while. As much as Dimitri appreciated Tasha's concern and optimism, he knew it wasn't possible. But he started smiling in her, Christian and Vasilisa's company in order to hide the truth. But deep down he knew he could never be as happy as he was with Rose, no matter how insignificant a task they were carrying out, he was at peace with her, his happiness was boundless in the cabin when he finally agreed to be with her completely and stop pretending. He knew he would never be as happy as that moment.
It was a few days after Tasha's visit when Dimitri was having one of his bad days again, after his shift he started leaning towards the idea of escape which only alcohol could provide, however, he could not stand the idea of running into the happy couple again. It would be too much for his already hurting heart, thus, he decided to use the vodka he had hidden in his room a few days ago for a situation exactly like this. Of course, he did not have shot glasses in his small kitchenette, a coffee mug would have to do. Deciding this would be the best course of action, he reached his small guardian quarters and removed his boots and duster to leave them neatly at their designated spots, no matter how bad the day had been, it did not warrant tardiness from his side. After being satisfied with the tidiness of his quarters, he moved towards the kitchenette removing the vodka from the refrigerator and getting a coffee mug from his shelf. Plopping down on the couch, he placed the bottle and mug on the small coffee table. He looked around his crammed yet neat apartment. It was bare enough with only his necessities being placed at their appropriate places. He had done nothing in order to redecorate it, to make it his own, if someone asked him to leave, he could have packed up the whole place in maximum thirty minutes leaving it in a state which he had discovered the apartment in, when he had first moved in. He sighed looking around, realising that this place was more impersonal to him than his quarters back at the academy. Afterall, those held a certain memory which was etched into Dimitri's mind probably for the rest of his eternity. However, this place could never hold any memory of that sort, rather it would never hold any memory of her in anyway. Chastising himself mentally, he remembered he had wanted alcohol to forget about her, not the opposite. Thus, with that he picked up his bottle of Russian Vodka, it wasn't as good as the ones available in his homeland, however, it would do for now. He unscrewed the cap and poured the clear liquid into his mug, it was definitely a larger quantity than a shot glass would provide at a time, but Dimitri could not care less, after all, he could handle his vodka quite effortlessly. He did not realise how long it had been since he sat down in terms of time, however in terms of quantity, he was halfway through the bottle. At about one third mark he had stopped doing the unnecessary step of pouring in a mug and consuming it and started drinking directly from the bottle. Till this point he had successfully pushed every thought concerning to her to the back of his mind. He stopped for a minute thinking what he should do about dinner, usually the one to opt for a healthier option which he prepared himself, today he decided to give himself a break and he ordered a pizza, when asked about the toppings he simply said surprise me and cut the call, far too tipsy to care about proper phone etiquette or to wonder what he would do if they gave him pineapple on his pizza. Oh well! He would deal with it when it came. He looked around his apartment again with the bottle still nestled safely between his legs, when his eyes glanced upon his western novels, they did not bring him the joy they once used to, rather he only remembered how his Roza used to shamelessly tease him about reading them, he would have never accepted this in front of anyone else, much less her, but he missed her teasing in addition to that he missed the stupid name she had come up with for him. He sat their drinking and reminiscing, thinking about all those times in the academy gym, when things were easier, well as easy as they could be, considering the fact that Rose Hathaway did not do simple. Everything she did had to be different than everyone else. That was one of the things which drew Dimitri to her initially, her passion to do things she believed in, no matter how she accomplished it. She had utter disregard for authority, which, in hindsight, Dimitri should have scolded her about more often, but he just could not bring himself to do it. He sat there for a while drinking, lost in all his thoughts of Rose, when he started feeling that familiar ache in his heart, it was ever present but thinking about her made it more pronounced. He reprimanded himself again and forced himself to think about anything else, when he had finally succeeded, he was done with three fourth of his bottle, he was drunk now, however, still aware of his surroundings. At that moment there was a knock on his door, thinking for a minute who could be seeking him out at this hour, he realised it must be his pizza. He walked towards the door with his wallet in his hand, after taking the pizza and closing the door, he set it on his table, and before he could take his previous place on the couch, he realised he should change out of his work uniform into something more comfortable and lay out a few pills and a glass of water on his bedside table, which hungover Dimitri in the morning would be thankful for, and the drunk Dimitri of a while later would forget to do.
After accomplishing his tasks with a minimal stumbling and dropping the pill bottle twice, he took his place back on the couch, with the leftover vodka and pizza in his lap. He opened the lid and looked in confusion at the pepperoni pizza, it was not his favourite but it wasn't bad, when suddenly he realised something, it was Rose's favourite topping, and with that simple thought, his mind spiralled again, every small thing reminding him of her.
That was how he was after an hour, with an empty pizza carton in his lap, an empty vodka bottle on his table, his heart clenching in her memory and for all that he had done wrong. There were silent tears running down his face which he had no clue about. His mind simply played him a jumbled movie of his memories, of their time in cabin, at the church, in Russia, and of her with Adrian. He did not know how long he sat there, but he passed out on his couch, telling himself that she was happier now, his last thought consisting of a question – wasn't she?
He woke up halfway though the night and stumbled to his bed and passing out again before he could even pull up his comforter on his body. He woke up next morning with a headache, however, it was not as bad he would have anticipated. He was still thankful for the pills and water he had placed on his table last night, consuming them, he moved towards his bathroom to make himself presentable for his duty which he had to report for soon. He walked into his shower, quietly musing about last night while cleaning off any remanent alcohol from his body. By the time he had run out of hot water, he had come to quite a few conclusions and accepted them. He realised no one could hurt Rose like he had, including his actions from the time before he was a Strigoi as well as after he had been restored, of course the things he had done to her while he was that evil incarnate were beyond repairable, however he could take responsibility for his actions which he had done while he was a Damphir. He realised he needed her, her love and forgiveness for him to be better, to become the man he was before his life had took a turn for the worse, he still loved her and would probably continue doing so till unforeseeable time, however, he was also aware that he did not deserve her, others did, Adrian did, and she did look happier with him. Thus, he decided to let his status quo and not do anything with regard to Rose and his non-existent relationship with her.
Vasilisa and Christian suggested him quite a few times that he should go out and socialize more, there was Guardian Michael, a friend of sorts he had made during his court duty, who also pushed him to come out for drinks, to try dating someone. Vasilisa went as far as to arrange a double date for Dimitri and Tasha with herself and Christian, when Dimitri came to realise what Tasha's purpose of visit would be at the end of the week, he politely excused himself off duty that day and made sure a competent guardian would be available with his charge in his absence. When he reported on duty again the next day, Christian made a sheepish Vasilisa apologise to Dimitri for meddling in his life, however, she tried to assure him that he would be happy soon, just like Rose had found her happiness, he just needed to open himself a little. He smiled and accepted what the Princess told him with a nod, making sure to hide his actual emotions with a small smile on his face, however, in his heart he knew he could never be as happy as he was with Rose, no matter what.
On his way back to his quarters after his duty, his mind wandered to his conversation with Princess, he kept reminding himself that Vasilisa was right, Rose had found her happiness again, she did look happier. He also accepted the fact in his heart that she would fall for someone again, just like she had for him once upon a time, maybe she already had for Adrian, or was on the verge of it, whatever be the case, he knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. However, as much as he wished it wouldn't happen to her again, he promised himself and to her as well, though she was not there to know about it, that if Adrian ever broke her heart like lovers sometimes did, he would be there, waiting for her, being there for her, if she wanted him to be. With that silent promise, he resigned to his place for the day, oddly at peace with having decided that he would wait for her, no matter what.
A/N - this is the end of this one shot, please let me know if there were any grammatical or spelling errors as I am aware how they can spoil the story, and I'll try to fix them as soon as possible.