[Author's Notes]

So this is a oneshot I came up with after hearing of the anime remake, based on a specific scene in the manga (Chap. 77, I believe). So, I do hope you enjoy reading it, as much as I did writing. It's the first fanfic I've done in a while, so I might be rough, but it was done with lots of love for this pairing. This was not beta-ed before publish, so I'm sorry if there are any spelling/grammar mistakes. Do feel free to point them out to correct them in the future. As always, I don't speak english natively, so there might be some things that might be weird.

The title of this fic is based on a Britney Spear's song. (That weirdly fit the vibe of the fic, but I didn't heard it until I was done writing).

All disclaimers aply, I do not get any profits from publishing the ramblings that come to my mind and won't let me sleep at night.

Before the goodbye

By: Laydi Tomoe

I wouldn't have said I was nervous for the upcoming journey. But I was not as carefree as I wanted to appear, especially not that night, the one before our departure to America.

I was always aware of her presence, as much as I believe she was always aware of me, of my thoughts (even if she didn't want to know them, sometimes). So, I felt her, slowly approaching, an ambivalence between nervousness and decisiveness. I knew I was not fooling her by pretending to sleep when she opened the door and walked in with several things in her arms.

"You're very bold!" she barely whispered furiously. "Once you got home you went to bed without saying goodbye to me!?".

I tried not to flinch under her tone. She had a way of making me want to repent of things I had not even done. But this time, surely, she understood? I did not want to make a fuss, or make her sad or, Great Spirits forbid, make her cry. She explained what I was to find on the packages she unceremoniously dropped over me. Still, I did not move. I knew what she meant by saying "tomorrow would be a special day", and even if I could not read minds like her, I could sense the underlying turbulence of her feelings as she left my room.

I understood the decisiveness. If she came in with the sole purpose of scolding me for my behavior, and found me asleep, she might just say her piece of mind and then go rest. But we could never fool each other; she saw right through my act, she knew my mind, that sometimes treacherous thing I could never hide from her. Still, the nervousness came minutes later when she walked again through the door.

"Tonight… Can I sleep with you…"

My heart skipped several beats after hearing her words. My stomach dropped at the sound of longing that rang in her whispered words. For all the reprimands I got, and the distant way we acted most of the time in front of the others, I longed for her, too. I let her have her way with how much of our relationship we showed to the world. But there were always moments like this, private shared memories that we cherished. In the face of the unknown, with the looming feeling of despair for the very real possibility of not being able to come back to her, I boldly answered.

"Yes".

There were countless moments after that, moments that mashed altogether, later, when I tried to remember that night. There was no way to untangle the feelings, longing, hurt, despair, pure bliss, cherishing her, feeling complete with her in my arms, feeling like a complete disgrace for making her suffer, but also devoting my all to chasing the dream that was as much mine as it was hers.

The night seemed to stretch endlessly, but also, to go by in the blink of an eye. I still cannot know for sure how much of sleep we actually got. To this day, I still do not regret one bit of it. At that moment all I could think was that I could catch up on it later. We were a tangle of limbs, clinging to each other, trying to feel the other with as much of us as we could. Our souls were not different. But those had been permanently tied to each other since before that night.

Eventually, the sky started to lighten, going from night to the start of a new day, from almost pitch black to a mix of pinks and blues. She had turned her back to me at some point, while I held her loosely in my arms. Once she noticed the clearing skies, we knew our time was up. I tried to pretend time was not tickling by, but I noticed her rigidness right away. It was in the way her shoulders raised slightly up and forward, an involuntary movement her body did to try to brace itself for the emotional hurt it knew was coming its way. I held her more firmly, possessively, with passionate aggression towards time and fate for robbing us of our moment.

I opened my eyes to contemplate her glorious face, to try to etch it into the forefront of my memory, have it there permanently branded, scorching red like a branding iron. Sneakily, I buried my nose in the back of her neck, trying to memorize the complexity of her natural perfume. Today, she would also smell a little bit like me, as I would have hers all over me. But after a few minutes, I noticed her rigidness changing for a few, light shakes. I saw her scrunched up nose, her eyes tightly shut, a few wrinkles in her forehead, and I knew.

This was exactly what I had wanted to avoid all along, the reason I cowardly ran into my room as soon as I got home the previous night. I had sworn I would never be the reason she cried. How wrong I was, how difficult it would be to keep it from happening, at least a couple of times.

So, I braced myself, turned her to face me (she refused to open her eyes, or acknowledge this vulnerability, and the only indication I got was her hands fisting the lapels of my yukata). We only had maybe a few more minutes before our bubble burst and we had to come back to reality, so I tossed caution to the wind. I kissed every inch of her face, while holding her with as much of me as I could.

I wanted to say something, but words just got stuck on my throat, making a tight knot.

So, instead, my mind loudly screamed, repeatedly. "I'm sorry, I love you. I'm sorry, I love you. I'm sorry, I love you-"

-.-.-.-.-

She left a little bit after that. She didn't say anything, and she didn't need to. I was left to recompose my façade of carelessness, before heading out with my friends to face the unknown.

[Final notes]

Thanks for reading this short one, feel free to leave any comments.