It was clear as day that John Constantine was everything he seemed to be – an arrogant selfish prick who couldn't think about anyone else but himself even for a brief moment. The whole world knew and everyone would tell you so if you asked. He lied, he cheated, he went after every pretty face he met and he never kept his promise to anyone. He was not ashamed of it, mind you, so it wasn't hard to guess where the unflattering opinions were coming from. Zed herself knew quite well, Constantine had a lot of flaws, but there were… moments when she let the seed of doubt grow. Moments like the one that had happened a few days ago.

After a really bad encouragement with yet another demon, John Constantine survived once again only thanks to the dumbest luck only he possessed. His wounds were deep and infected and the high fever he developed was only making things worse. He was sometimes delusional, sometimes completely shaken by a nightmare they couldn't wake him up from, staggering around the world of living and dead as close as it gets. She tried to talk to him, but usually didn't get any real answer, just an incoherent bumbling if he happened to be on his good side, meaning he was at least a bit conscious.

It was in one of rare moments of Constantine's consciousness when she thought she saw real emotions play behind his all persistent mask of superiority. Emotions of a broken man, who gave too much, who risked too much, who lost too much. Therefore she was not exactly surprised to feel some very dark emotions when she touched him by mistake while changing a cold poultice on his forehead. It was the power of the emotions though that knocked the air out of her lungs. All the overwhelming desperate need for someone to love him, closely followed by an utter terror and guilt, flushed through her like a cold river and made her shiver almost as violently as the feverish man next to her was. And the need to end this all madness wrapping it all like a dark sticky mist was something she would never forget feeling.

It took her some time to get these strong emotions out of her system enough to be able to finish taking care of his wounds. He didn't bicker, didn't even complain a bit about her care. It worried her. Not only didn't he mind she had read him, which normally made him furious or at least a bit bitter. He obviously didn't even notice. His temperature was too high and he was unconscious again before she could even say his name.

She knew she shouldn't read too much to what had just happened, but suddenly she felt such an incredible pull to do all she could to help him. She understood how it felt wanting people to love you unconditionally, to be good enough, to escape all the pain… She understood more than he knew. There was nothing she wanted more than to give him hope, solitude, and perhaps even something else, her own needs be damned. But she wasn't stupid. If he found out she knew what he felt under all that sarcasm and selfishness, he probably would use some kind of dark dangerous spell to get her to forget what she learnt through that soft little touch.

If only he wasn't so adamantly stubborn, maybe she really could help him. Not only her as there were a lot of women and men in the past that have a soft spot for this insufferable and dangerous blond. But with all the things she learned about the man, there was no way he would ever let anyone get close enough to actually be able to do so. Therefore she just tried to get him to drink a bit of lukewarm water and let the poor man get as much sleep as he could in his serious condition.

Chas of course knew the moment she left the room what had happened.

"You shouldn't have done it," he said in a calm and quiet voice, clearly a bit unsettled.

She smiled sadly. It wasn't like she did it on purpose. Part of her was happy to at least have some leads on his emotional state that much she would admit, but she didn't feel very comfortable with the way she got these little pieces of information. Not to mention processing her own emotions was a full time job on its own, so the last thing she needed was to process someone else's too. Her powers were something she still has a lot to learn about and managing them sometimes feel like too much for one person.

She closed the door quietly and shrugged. "It's too late now anyway."

He didn't respond, as there was nothing else to say. He just watched her back disappear in her meditation room, knowing she would spend a lot of time there to get though all of what she felt though that touch. What he personally knew was way worse though was making peace with the simple fact John Constantine would never let her help him get through the real reasons behind his insomnia and seemingly easy to read attitude. The feeling of slight frustration was a persistent bitch and hell he knew, because he doubted he himself had accepted that even after all the years he spent in the company of the demonologist.

Chas sighed. There was enough brooding already; he couldn't continue to let his mind go this path. It was his shift now to stay close to John and pray for Zed's medication to work and help him heal, which would give some important space for that poor woman. She was tough, definitely, but not unbreakable. He would need to be strong for them all for a moment and he will do everything he could to make it happen. With that he made himself comfortable in a big chair Zed brought into the guest room and tried to read a book.

It took a few more days of painful insecurity (and another book of Chas) before Constantine's state had become good enough for him to be practically a living pain in the ass again. Zed and Chas could finally breathe freely, knowing the nightmare of constant worrying was coming to an end. But the relief hadn't stayed long. When the blond magician spat out Zed's medicine after her fourth attempt to make him eat it because it "tasted like urine" (he of course used much less neutral terms), she felt like she may strangle the man back to unconsciousness herself. At least when he was out he didn't make her job that much harder!

Chas of course saw the change in Zed's attitude and noted for himself John indeed acted as a small incorrigible child once more. But after days spent in a constant nervousness, he didn't want to step into their little game of wills. If he was honest it was amusing, at least definitely more that he would let both of them know. His money was on Zed, definitely. He continued enjoying the show for a few more moments before deciding to leave them be. Even Chas needed his sleep and god knew he had very little lately with Zed not being able to cover one of her shifts as she was still trying to sort herself out after accidentally touching the demonologist.

It was only after he heard Zed's frustrated curse followed by: "Eat it, John Constantine, or Manny help me!" he knew for sure it's all going to be alright again.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Zed tried, she really tried very hard to not let moments like these get under her skin. She was tough – she had to be as no one soft would survive what she had endured. There was no way how she could let him see what she had seen in him after some time she had spent in the mill house. He was such a great talented magician, not to mention quite an intelligent and handsome man - not that she would ever admit that out loud. He had done so much good, saved so many poor souls in the last years. It must have had at least a bit of a meaning, right? How can he not believe he deserved redemption?

"It's for the weak, luv." Constantine brushed her question of the table with what seemed like a one swift easy motion. If she hadn't vividly remembered what she saw and felt when she took care of him a few weeks ago, she may actually believe he really didn't care. But her gut and her memories told her otherwise. So for once she decided she wouldn't let it go.

"That's not what I asked."

He half smiled before he stuffed his nose into another dusty book, this one showing some very graphical illustrations of what looked like a human heart. "Ah, what precisely have you asked me then?"

Zed jagged her jaw. He knew what he was trying to do and she was not going to get annoyed by his tone to let the conversation slip into different matters. This was way too important for falling for that kind of distraction.

"You don't believe anyone can be redeemed?" she repeated.

"The right question is, do all of us want to be?" he shot back.

"Why would anyone prefer being in hell tortured for eternity instead of going to heaven?"

"I don't know. I had just asked, it doesn't mean I have an answer, luv."

Zed grunted. It felt really meaningless to try having some kind of proper discussion with Constantine even though she knew he couldn't be as uninterested as he tried to look. Maybe she would need to use a different tactic.

She paused to remember what Constantine's emotions were like in the unique moment when his guard had been down – maybe not intentionally, but it worked anyway. She remembered the fear of being a lost cause. But there was another emotion he wanted more – love. It was a shame she didn't think she was able to give him that. No that Constantine wasn't an attractive man, oh no. There were moments when she almost wished he would make a move on her (almost!), but love was far away from it. She was not stupid enough to fall for his charm.

Not to mention it was impossible to fall in love with Constantine. Like really fall in love. It would meant being vulnerable with him; share with him things she was too afraid to admit and he would have to open up to her too. It simply wasn't happening.

There was no way she could trust someone like that, she was way too broken. And he was too.

A sour grin appeared on her face.

Looks like she and Constantine really did have at least something in common in the end.

She sighed. Maybe there was nothing she could really do? How is she supposed to help someone if she can't even fix herself?

This was pathetic. She was pathetic. Instead of thinking about redemption and getting John to open up, she should concentrate on her abilities and saving people and fighting the Rising darkness. She was John's student in a way and partner in crime, not his psychologist nor his lover. Why did she even find this such a great idea in the first place?

She blushed. Hell if she knew, but she couldn't just think about Constantine like that… it was just… wrong.

Constantine meanwhile silently watched Zed's frustrated expression out of the corner of his eye while she aimlessly played with a strand of her hair. It was something she always did then she lost herself in thoughts. He found it kind of sweet, but he wouldn't admit it to anyone, not even to himself.

He almost chuckled when he replayed the bizarre discussion Zed suddenly decided they should have like five minutes ago. It came seemingly out of nowhere, but he of course immediately new what her goal was. That didn't mean he would just give her what she wanted. Oh hell no, he wasn't going to cooperate. Not now, not ever.

However, in retrospect, when he recalled the last few weeks, he started to see a pattern there. She was acting weird, giving him curious and nervous glances when she thought he couldn't see her. Being a bit overprotective was something she hid well, but she was also putting up with more of his crap than usual. Not enough for him to catch up on immediately, but he was a very observant man. Her behavior was slightly off for a few weeks now, so he suspected she must have learnt something about him when he was out of this world thanks to that fucking demon.

Maybe Chas talked?

The moment the idea crossed his mind, it seemed entirely ridiculous. Chas was too loyal to do that and it was one thing John liked about him. He would never shared secrets that weren't his to tell. That meant she must have used her power on him or had a vision.

Either way, she would not get him to where she wanted him to be. Period.

He tilted his head to look at her again and was surprised to learn her frustrated thoughtful expression has become more of a flushed and embarrassed one. If he didn't know better he would have said she had just thought about having sex. Maybe with him. Probably with him, he grinned. He is John Constantine after all, who wouldn't want him? The only reason he hadn't tried his charm on Zed was because he was kind of mentoring her and he hated mixing business and pleasure. Plus her powers were too useful to him to risk it over something he could have had with any other girl (or guy).

That may be the more important point, he realized as he pondered about it.

He casted one more glance at her and for once tried not to see his student, psychic and yes, a friend, but the woman. Her wild hair was tamed in a low ponytail and she wore a normal cotton T shirt and a pair of leggings. Nothing entirely sexy per se, for sure, but it took him back to some other moments like the one time when she came to visit him in Mexican jail under the cover of a street lady wearing only a braless crop top and pair of dangerously short shorts.

That scene was a different story as the sight he got was something he would definitely remember even for years to come.

Not that he thought on this matter very often. He rarely had the need to do so, as he was quite a ladies man. However, it was not like he forgot about it either. It was one of the first times he saw the woman before he saw his version of Zed and it would be very hard to forget the ideas the swaying of her hips evoke in his mind.

Although to be completely honest he hadn't really tried to forget them.

John knew he should be ashamed for what he was doing right now but he struggled to find at least a bit of this feeling in him. What he found instead was a slow burning desire.

He was not happy about that. It sure would become a big fat trouble.

Zed was a woman that was very hard to ignore with her wildness, no-nonsense character and passion wrapped in a natural southern beauty. She had legs to kill for and breasts a lot of women could envy her and she was very well aware of it. Her looks make her figure shine in a very subtle but definitely noticeable way. He at least had definitely noticed, although he tried not to think about it.

The longer he stayed on this matter the more he realized he indeed wouldn't say no to a night with her if he was being honest. He was a sucker for a pretty face and her character would be quite a joy to tame even if only under the sheets.

Zed was still too much lost in her own world to notice his searching looks casted her way. Her mind was still stuck on the love sex part and she didn't like it a bit. She may or may not also realize how long it was since she had that kind of close contact with anyone. Probably since Pete, but that hadn't actually been something she could count as a real relationship as he was…

Nope, let's not go there, Zed. This part of her past was not one suitable for any time of a day, much less time she hadn't spent alone.

Constantine on the other hand was something she tried very hard not to think about while being alone.

She bit her lips and John had felt the heat in him was only growing bigger. She may be his friend and a student of sort, but he was only a man after all and well, if sex was what she had in mind, maybe he would play nicer in her little mind games and surrender without a big fight. He would actually quite enjoy her dominance for once.

He would also pay a bit of money to learn what she thought about to be blushing like that. He was really starting to believe it was about him and part of him did like the idea a little bit too much.

Her brows furrowed as she noticed his staring.

"Why are you smiling?"

He didn't respond, but threw a wink in her direction. She felt the heat in her cheeks again. Not even John Constantine could know what she was think about. Not even he could be that good.

Right?

He took a sip of whiskey from his glass trying to scold his features as he responded in a slightly more flirtatious way than he himself expected. "If you are a good girl, I may tell you someday, luv."