Chapter 1:

It's Just Hair

Bucky ran his fingers through his hair. The bathroom Zemo had provided him was large and fully stocked, much to Bucky's surprise. He was still not happy with the man, and betraying Wakanda was taking a toll on him. But he knew what he was getting himself into when pretending to become the Winter Solider again.

His fingers stopped short and he remembered that his hair was shorter now than it used to. After Steve left, Bucky was confused. Steve left him for Peggy. To be fair, he told him to go, but it still hurt. He watched Steve give Sam the shield, and he was not jealous. Sam was the perfect man for the job. After that, it was a blur.

He remembers lying in his apartment for days, feeling numb. With no fight, he had no purpose. He supposed that before the war, he had some semblance of life, but those memories were few and far between. Without Steve here, he couldn't even be sure which were memories and which were fantasies.

He finally bit the bullet and got out of bed to at least shower. When he looked in the mirror, he wasn't sure what Steve saw in him.

He had heard the phrase, "New year, new me," said a lot around the New Year and the beginning of January and thought that it should apply to him. The first decision he made was to cut his hair.

And he immediately regretted it.

After he pulled Steve from the river, he hid and slowly regained some of the memories of who he was. The Winter Solider was confused at first. It was not a person. It did not have feelings, people did. It did not have a name. It was not supposed to exist without handlers.

But slowly, he got some memories back. His name was Bucky, the man was Steve, he was allowed to exist without handlers. He had sisters, a life, a job. He doesn't remember much about any of his life Before.

He remembers plenty After though.

He remembers when it was time for him to make a decision without handlers, something very foreign to the Winter Solider. He was not supposed to have wants nor needs. He was an object to be handled.

He was tired and dirty from his battle with Steve and he knew that he needed to rest. He found adequate shelter and after double and triple checking the security, he slept. The next morning he took a shower.

With hot water.

He debated with himself whether or not he was actually allowed a shower. He was not allowed the luxuries his handlers were. When he needed to be cleaned, they hosed him down with cold water.

That was the first major decision he made. To have a shower.

It felt big at the time, he was doing something for himself, nobody told him what to do. It was a sign that he was a person, not a thing.

Now it feels so small compared to what he was doing now.

He remembers being amazed at the soap provided. He had never seen nor used soap as his time as the Winter Solider.

He decided that not only did he like showering with hot water, but that he liked the clean feeling that soap gave him.

After his shower, he looked in the mirror and saw a new man.

His next decision was one that he prided himself on. He was debating whether or not to cut his hair. Everyone now knew what the Winter Solider looked like, his long hair was now one of his defining traits. The decision to cut his hair should have been an easy one. He should do it so nobody could recognize him and he could really start his life without HYDRA.

But he looked in that mirror again and liked what he saw. He liked being able to run his fingers through his hair. He liked how soft the soap made it. He liked the smell the soap gave it. He liked being able to put it up in styles.

That's what Bucky actually considers his first decision after breaking free from HYDRA.

Showers were essential, he needed them. But he didn't need his hair. And that's what made it such a big decision.

Throughout the rest of his time as a fugitive, he found new ways to treat his hair.

He remembers standing in the grocery stores, surrounded by the many, many bottled of hair products. He was about to have a meltdown, as there were so many choices. Choices were still hard for him. If he had to choose between more than two objects, it could take him from a couple of hours to literal days.

It took him a week before he even had the courage to enter the grocery store.

Until a kind worker came and helped him. He didn't give to much away, as it was a possibility that she was HYDRA, but the worker was kind and patient with him. She helped him pick out a shampoo that smelled like honey and lemon and a conditioner that would soften his hair.

He loved and cherished those bottles for a long time.

When he ran out, he took a trip back to the store, looking for something new. The worker was still there and once again, helped him through the choosing process. This time, he choose shampoo and conditioner that smelled of lavender.

He loved those even more.

The lavender supposedly had calming properties to it. Bucky didn't believe in all that calming and geodes and essential oils stuff, but it really worked. The next day, he came in and got a lavender hand cream.

His hair started getting longer the more he was in hiding. He thought that he should cut it again, but once again, stopped. His hair was important to him, it signified his breaking free from HYDRA. He still didn't trust anyone near his hair, so he didn't dare go to a barber for help. But he started learning how to put his hair into different hair styles by using the Internet.

People thought that Bucky was like Steve, and knew nothing about how the 21st century worked. But that wasn't true. HYDRA taught him everything he needed to know about technology each time he came out cryo.

Bucky was hesitant to use the Internet at first because he knew how easy it was to track people through it. But he was able to cover up his traces very easily by using a different account every time he logged on.

Through the Internet, he learned how to braid his hair six separate ways, how to curl it, straighten it, what hair products worked best on his hair, how to tell when he needed to cut it, and even how to dye it himself.

He never did the last one, but tried everything else.

Every time he went to that grocery store, the kind worker would help him pick out new hair products to try. He never choose the same one twice, even if he really liked it. It was his way of making choices all by himself. (The worker didn't count, as she was not his handler).

Then he was found. Civil War happened. And somehow along the way, he found himself in Wakanda.

The Wakandans were very helpful to him. Shuri was able to get the trigger words out of his head. When he first heard the trigger words without turning into the Winter Solider, he cried. He was free.

In Wakanda, they had different hair than he did. But he still found ways to style it. They had different hair products, but he eventually found some that he liked.

He remembered going to the Wakandan market, another decision he made entirely by himself. Shuri was helping him with making decisions, and he knew that she would be proud of him for this.

He also knew that he was not alone and that the Dora Milaje were following, which made him feel a little better.

When he got to the hair styling place, they didn't have as many products as the grocery store did, and many of them were different. He left that day without buying anything and had a panic attack in his hut.

His one source of comfort and decision making was gone, he told himself. He would never be the same way again if he could not take care of his hair.

Of course the Dora Milaje notified Shuri and, through tears, he had to explain to her about his hair.

He was expecting her to laugh at him, call him vain, but she did not. She merely helped him and taught him new ways to style his "white-man's hair" and even ordered new hair products for him from other countries for him to try. He got a new one every week. He felt guilty about all the money Shuri was spending on him, but she just looked at him and said,

"White Wolf, Wakanda is the wealthiest country. We can afford to give you comfort and hair products."

He never brought up money since.

When Steve came to visit him in Wakanda (which wasn't often), he was immediately impressed by Bucky's hair. Bucky thought that he would not like it, but learned that Before Bucky liked to style his hair too.

Bucky got used to his life in Wakanda. Taking care of goats, talking with Shuri, doing anything but fight. He learned new things about himself. It was peaceful. And Bucky thought that if he could, he would live here forever.

But then Thanos came. And ruined everything.

Bucky was tired of fighting, but here he was, saving the Earth.

He remembers his conversation with Steve like it was yesterday.

"I'm going to stay with Peggy," Steve said, "When I return the stones."

Bucky was hurt by this, but didn't let Steve know. Everything Steve did for him, everything Steve gave him, was being thrown away for some girl he couldn't get out of his head. Didn't he know that Bucky loved him too? Why couldn't they stay in Wakanda forever?

But he just smiled, patted him on the back, and said, "Go. Live the life you deserved."

And then Steve was gone.

And it was just Bucky. Alone, by himself. With nothing but a couch and T.V. for comfort.

Which brings us back to the beginning. Bucky cut his hair. And he hated himself for it.

Now he didn't have that comfort and decision making. He couldn't style it, nor use condition that smelled like lavender. He couldn't even use shampoo that smelled like lavender, because that was a girl smell, and Sam would tease him to the ends of the Earth if he knew that.

Why did he cut his hair? Why did he do it?

He did not have answers for this.

He shuddered and realized that the water was cold. He felt bad for using all of Zemo's hot water. He knew that he shouldn't, that Zemo was just a means to an end, but his Ma taught him good manners, and here he was, wasting water while complaining that he couldn't do his hair all pretty.

It was just hair.

He stopped the water and got out. He didn't even take a glance at himself in the mirror, not wanting to see what a big fuck up he was. Quickly, he dressed back in his tactical gear. He was not going to wear the clothes Zemo gave him, even if they were ten times more comfortable. With a deep breath, he stepped out of the bathroom.

"Man, what were you doing in there? Singing an entire album?" Sam joked.

Bucky looked at him, quickly thinking of an excuse, "A man has needs, Sam."

Sam raised an eyebrow and sat down on Zemo's couch. Bucky immediately regretted saying that. Out of all the excuses he could come up with, that was the one? Just another way that he was a fuck up.

The thought of telling Sam about his hair didn't even cross his mind. He knew Sam's reaction would be to immediately tease him about it. And he didn't think that he could handle that.

Luckily for him, Zemo came into the room and started talking. He had his next mission now. His hair would have to wait. It was just hair anyway.

Bucky wasn't so sure about that anymore.

—

A/N:

Hi, guys, it's me. I'm not dead. So this is just a little head cannon I have about why Bucky cut his hair for the new Falcon and the Winter Solider show. I may make a sequel to this, where Bucky does tell Sam about his hair, but I would like to see how the series ends first. As of writing this, the last episode has not aired.

This does take place during episode three incase you couldn't tell.

Thank you for reading and have a fantastic day!