Drowning (in an Ocean of Despair)

His knee was hurting, the sensation pulsating in time with every beat of his heart, with every breath he took. Levi lay sprawled on his back in the stuffy atmosphere of his bedroom, covers thrown back in a messy pile at the foot of the bed, the light from the already too high sun seeping through the drawn curtains, casting the floating dust particles to display. He was so tired, limbs feeling too heavy, head pounding. He was so tired and couldn't move. Even keeping his eyes open was a task. Yet Levi kept staring at the shadows creeping across his ceiling with something that could be akin to desperation.

Please—

Levi did not know why, did not comprehend why he couldn't simply get up from this damn position on his bed and take a shower, brush his teeth, do at least something. He did not understand why he could not keep himself from staring at the play of dark and light on his ceiling. Hell, he didn't even know how long he'd been laying here; minutes, hours, days? Years?

(He remembered what Falco's mother had said that one afternoon. Eyes too patient and soft, the gentle scent of her perfume too smothering for him to breathe properly. He remembered, but he couldn't— he wouldn't— he was—)

Levi swallowed thickly. What he did know for sure at this moment, however, was that he wished that the mattress beneath his sweaty back would swallow him whole. Maybe just for a little while. A few days or so, so he could rest. Yeah, that would be nice, he concluded, getting away from all this, away from the hurt that was not his knee, eye, or lower back. An ache that was not bodily at all. A wound that no stitches or bandage could ever repair.

It was ironic, he mused, how at other times, he could not stop cleaning instead. How he could not bear to sit still and therefore kept wiping his whole apartment till not a speck of dust was to be found anymore, kept going till his knee was trembling and his eye stinging. It was laughable, honestly, how at other moments, he continued rubbing at the blood on his hands that he rationally knew was not there. Until his skin was sore and irritated.

And now he could not even lift a hand? What a farce.

His eye itched. He made no move to rub it. Was it midday already? Shit. When was the last time he had eaten anything? Not that he was hungry. When was the last time he'd been hungry anyway?

His mind did not supply him with helpful answers.

Somewhere, downstairs the front door opened and closed again. Soft footsteps shuffled through the hall. He had forgotten. Damn. Onyankopon had said he would visit today. The footsteps treaded back from the living room and toward the stairs. His eye itched even more now. Still, he did not make a move. Gabi also said she wanted to go to the beach next week, and she wanted him to come too. Levi had forgotten about that too. He seemed to forget a lot of things lately. Yet, there were other matters that his mind could not stop replaying. Over and over and over. No matter how he tried.

God, he was tired.

The door to his bedroom opened slowly, footsteps on the soft carpet. Still, Levi kept staring ahead, even when the bed dipped slightly under the weight that settled down.

"I brought some apples from the market and tea too. It's on the kitchen counter." A short silence only filled with Levi's too loud breathing. "You should try to take a shower. It will do you good. I will make you some lunch in the meantime. It's already noon." A hand squeezed his shoulder for a moment. Then the footsteps trod back to the hallway, down and toward the kitchen.

He was alone again, listening to the sounds below. (Alone, not lonely. Not empty and gone. Not wasting away in whatever the fuck he was stuck in right now. Right. Right?)

Yeah.

Levi should take a shower. He knew that. He felt unclean. Sticky with sweat. Maybe it would help him get rid of the metallic taste in his mouth. Perhaps after a hot shower, the shadows in the corner of his room would not seem so dark and looming. (Dark and watching.)

Levi finally closed his eyes and sighed.

000

The beach was— full of sand, as one expected. As sandy as the first time he had seen a beach. And the small grains still got everywhere if you were not careful. How anyone could enjoy this, he didn't grasp. Although Hange would have been ecstatic, his mind whispered unforbidden, running around with that stupid grin. Erwin would've liked it too, probably, that weird bastard. And the others—

Levi breathed in sharply, feeling the sweat bead on his palms. His thoughts were already straying toward places he did not want to go at the moment, so he focussed on the sandwich Falco had given him. "My mom made them. She said you should try them." The boy had beamed at him before running off, Gabi in tow, to do whatever you did when visiting a heap of sand and loads of salty liquid. Both had tried to get him to go with them. "Will you be alright like this, Mr. Levi? If there's something you should call us, we'll not go that far." He had waved them away, hastily rejecting their offer. "Go on and enjoy your day. Don't mind me." And so he was left behind, resting in the cool shadows of a ridiculous pink-colored parasol.

Levi let his gaze wander. His cleaning frustrations aside, he could not deny that it was not an impressive sight; gray-blue water reaching as far as the eye could see, with birds soaring high smoothly and soundlessly against the sky-blue hue of the horizon. The gentle breeze that ruffled his hair was also not unpleasant. Yeah, he decided, taking a small bite out of the fluffy bread despite not being very hungry, like this, it was not so bad.

Maybe like this, he could breathe again.

All the mistakes are mine.