Book One
Tammo: My name is Tamello De Fformelo Tussock and I'm the main character, life sure is boring I want to join the bally Long Patrol and fight all sorts of evil vermin!
Tammo's Father: You won't join the bally Long Patrol and fight all sorts of evil vermin because you're too young laddie buck what ho pip pop stap me whiskers I say WOT WOT
Russa: I'm Russa Nodrey and I'm the main character, Hey kiddo wanna join the Long Patrol and irresponsibly get yourself in all sorts of perilous situations and watch your friends get killed resulting in some terrible mental trauma?
Tammo: DO I?!
*Meanwhile...*
Gormad Tunn: Arg, I Gormad Tunn, am dying, who will lead my thousand strong army of evil vermin- bleh.
Damug Warfang and Byral: DIBS-!
[Damug stabs Byral]
Damug: DIBS! I DAMUG WARFANG CALLED DIBS FIRST IT WAS ME! Now I'm the new leader of the Rapscallions! WE MARCH NORTH TO RAVAGE THE LAND OF MOSSFLOWER- but stay away from Salamandastron, I think we all know that didn't go well for us the last time.
Fox and Weasel: We hate Damug Warfang, let's kill him and become the leaders of the Rapscallions. Infighting!
*Meanwhile at Salamandastron*
Cregga: I'm Badger Lady Cregga Rose Eyes and I'm the main character, I command the Long Patrol who fight all sorts of evil vermin, my hobbies include blacksmithing peaceful walks on the beach and I currently have a craving for VENGEANCE! WHERE THE FATES IS GORMAD TUNN?!
Colonel Eyebright: Dead, marm!
Cregga: -Oh what a shame I really wanted to kill him.
Eyebright: But his son Dammug Warfang took over the Rapscallions-
Cregga: VENGEANCE IS BACK ON THE MENU!
*Meanwhile at Redwall...*
Tansy: I'm Abbess Tansy, the leader of our peaceful home Redwall Abbey and I'm the main character
Arven: I am Arven the Abbey Champion and I'm the main character.
Skipper: An' I be tha Skipper of Otters and I'm also here.
Arven: Look Abbess the moles say one of our walls is sinking!
Tansy: Goodness Gracious! Wait How did you understand them?
Arven: Context clues, anyway, so long as a storm doesn't knock over a tree and destroy the wall while introducing an incidental character to the storyline everything will be fine-
[A storm does exactly that, and owls fall out of the tree]
Arven: ... Oh for the love of-
*The next day*
Martin: I'm the spirit of the legendary warrior Martin the Warrior, hey Arven Redwall is in danger because the wall's broken and a massive horde of vermin is heading this way, what a coincidence, right? Keep them away from my Abbey please okay bye.
Arven: [wakes up] I forgot everything he just said!
*Meanwhile somewhere*
Damug: What a long day of marching, time to rest in my tent where no one could possibly try to kill me in my sleep!
Fox and Weasel: Time to kill Damug Warfang in his sleep!
Damug: Surprise it was an elaborate ruse, now for your treachery you'll serve me as meat shields in battle! You other two incompetent soldiers are now my scouts, do some scouting!
Hogspit(weasel) and Lousewort(rat): Okay!
*Meanwhile somewhere else*
Russa: I'm gonna take you to Salamandastron try not to piss off any vermin on the way there-
Vermin: Surprise!
Russa: Oh for the love of-
Tammo: I say Russa we've been captured what do we do?!
Russa: The next thing you will say is "We're going to kill you and take all your stuff" before being killed yourself by the Actual Long Patrol who mount a last second rescue.
Vermin: We're going to kill you and take all your- wait wha-
*The Long Patrol appears and kills the vermin*: Time for a rescue! EULALIA!
Tammo: IT'S THE BALLY LONG PATROL!
Major Perigord: Quite! I'm Major Perigord Habile Sinistra I lead the Long Patrol and I'm the main-
Tammo: PLEASE LET ME JOIN THE LONG PATROL!
Major Perigord: Eh Sure why not. Let's make our way through Mossflower in search of the bloody Rapscallions, be sure not to get gotten by the Painted Ones!
Tammo: The painted wh- AAAAAAAAA
Book Two
Logalog: [as Scottish as possible] I'm Logalog o' th' Guosim an' I 'ave a terrible case o' th' Mondays-
Hogspit: PREPARE TA DIE AT THE PAWS OF RAPSCOUR HOGSPIT-
[Is poked by Logalog and dies immediately]
Logalog: [Walks away] F**k off.
Lousewort [hiding almost out of frame]: ... maybe we shoulda helped.
*Later*
Damug: My incompetent soldiers were incompetent as scouts, who could have known? Go sit in the time-out river and think about what you done.
Vermin sitting in the time-out river: This sucks! Damug sucks! We're leaving!
*Meanwhile at Death Mountain*
Cregga: We need to stop Damug Warfang from marching through Mossflower and putting our good friends at Redwall Abbey in danger!
Eyebright: Right you are marm, but how do you know they're going through Mossflower?
Cregga: I'unno, now [draws her poleaxe] go rally all the hares we're going on a FIELD TRIP!
Eyebright: Congratulations new recruits, you're all now Long Patrolers!
All: Yay!
Eyebright: Now for a few words from your Drill Sergeant Clubrush
Clubrush: (As R. Lee Ermey) "You are all disgusting pieces of amphibious shi-"
*Meanwhile*
Tammo: Oh dear me I've been captured by tree rats, I wonder if this will become a trend in this book.
Russa: Time for a rescue!
*And Russa Nodrey was a badass*
Tammo: I've been saved!
Major Perigord: Quite! By Jove all this rescuing works up an appitite, let's go to Redwall and raid their pantry- I mean pay our good friends a visit!
All: Yes!
Russa: Major Perigord and I will scout ahead.
*But then…*
Russa: Blast! Some Rapscallions are attacking some poor incidental badger character and her incidential badger character child!
Major Perigord: It's a good thing we decided to engage them 2 on 9, have at you! … oh wait.
Long Patrol: Time for a rescue!
[The hares bowl though the vermin]
Tammo: What a successful rescue we managed to save The Child and no one died-
Major Perigord: Russa's dead.
Tammo: NnnnnOoOOoOoooO- D8
*Meanwhile at Redwall*
Tansy: It turns out there's a big hole under the south wall that caused it to sink making Redwall vulnerable to an attack but more importantly our new incidental owl family characters just had babies!
All: Yay!
Arven: Look, it's our good friends from the Long Patrol!
All: Yay!
Tammo: Also we brought The Child which we shall call Russano in memory of our dear friend Russa, a perilous squirrel indeed.
Tansy: Four new arrivals? This calls for a feast!
All: FEAST!
Tansy: Go and play, dibbuns, but don't fall into the deep hole we forgot to block off
Sloey (Mousebabe): [falls into the deep hole they forgot to block off] Aaaaaaaaaaa…!
Arven: Oh no, that poor dibbun fell into the deep hole we forgot to block off!
Skipper: Welp, time ta be th' most useful character in this book, Hup! [Jumps into the hole] Time for a rescue! -Oh neat an eel- AAHGBRLABRLGABBELRB
Tammo: [bungie jumps into the hole and grabs Sloey] Yoink!
*Later*
Arven: What a successful rescue, and this time no one definitely died.
Tammo: Skipper's dead.
Arven: DAMMIT!
Skipper: I got better.
All: WHAT THE F-
Skipper: Aye, while I was wrestling with the eel we got swept into an underground stream but I was able to hold my breath for a loooong time and I killed the eel and ran into our good friends the Guosim and the Waterhogs-
Logalog and Gurgan: Hello!
Skipper: -who have news that a massive horde of vermin called the Rapscallions are headed this way.
All: *Gasp!*
Arven: [simultaneously and under his breath] Oh riiight…
*And so, a council of war was held*
Arven: We need to repel those Rapscallions!
Tansy: But our wall is damaged, how could we possibly fight off that large of an army?
[A semi-transparent Martin possesses Tammo]
Tammo: HEGAGERGERK
Martin: Hey here's an idea, move the fight away from my Abbey, [points to Midge Manycoats] that guy can help as a spy and influence the bad guy to take the fight away from here, also there's this thing about Badgers and whatever but that's not important right now save my Abbey please okay bye. [Unpossess Tammo]
Tammo: -Wot?
Perigord: Capital idea, Tammo, you'll go with our master of disguise, Midge Manycoats, to infiltrate the enemy ranks!
Tammo: Wot?!
Book Three
Damug: Not implying that I already knew about Redwall Abbey prior to this point but I've just found out that Redwall Abbey exists here in this forest country, what a fine fortress it will make! I shall now take over with cunning military tactics and absolutely nothing else. Who the hell are you two?
Midge wearing a Groucho Mask: Why, we're fortune tellers, sah!
Damug: What perfect timing, I could use some baseless superstitious nonsense as counsel!
Midge: It's super duper bad luck to attack the Abbey head-on, you should face the Redwallers at this other place that gives you a tremendous tactical disadvantage.
Damug: I shall follow this sound advice!
*Meanwhile back at the Abbey*
Tansy: Hey I know there's a very important battle looming that will decide the fate of all of Mossflower, but the Abbey records show that there's something down in that big hole, let's go explore it!
Shad: How 'bout we don't?
*Later in the hole*
Tansy: You're right this was a dumb idea let's go back.
[Shad tugs on the rope they climbed down. The other end falls next to them]
Tansy: … oh.
*Back topside*
Arven: I shall lead our hastily assembled army along with the Long Patrol to fight off the Rapscallions, by the way has anyone seen the Abbess anywhere? Oh well! [Leaves]
*Meanwhile*
Damug: Your seer services are greatly appreciated, but just to be sure you aren't sabotaging my army I'm keeping you here as prisoners until my inevitable victory! You two incompetent scouts are now guards, do some guarding! [Leaves]
Lousewort and Sneezewort: Okay!
Tammo: …oh bloody hell this is a trend.
Midge: Time for a breakout! Hey look over there, a distraction!
[The guards look the other way, Tammo and Midge run away]
*Meanwhile back at the ranch*
Tansy: Look, some ruins!
Shad: Look, some treasure!
Butty: Look, a pit full of cannibal toads- AAAAAAAAA
[Everyone screams and panics, the toads scream and panic, Shad throws everyone over the toads and into a tunnel and they all pop out above ground]
Tansy: Wow.
*Meanwhile, back at the plot*
Pasque Valerian: Not implying I already introduced myself as Tammo's love interest but I'm very sad that Tammo isn't here with us at the pivotal battle for the fate of Mossflower.
Arven: Hello fair maiden, would you like to see a magic trick?
Pasque: Not really-
Arven: [points with sword] Look over there!
Pasque: [gasp] It's Tammo and Midge!
Tammo: Correct! Also the Rapscallions are here!
Damug: Surrender yourselves and your Abbey and I'll maybe promise not to kill you!
Arven: Piss off and we'll maybe promise not to kick your arses back to where ya came from!
Woodlanders: OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!
Damug: Alright forget this, RAPSCALLIONS ATTACK!
*20 minutes later*
Damug: Ha hah! I may have suffered the loss of half my army but I have soundly defeated yours, now I shall humiliate you by executing your leaders while not paying attention to our flank where someone could definitely ambush-
Cregga: DEADMURDERINGVERMINSAYSWHAT?!
Damug: What? HOLY FU-
[Cregga bowls through the vermin horde. Wii Bowling Strike VFX. Cregga grabs Damug and charges with him into the ridge]
Damug: AAAAAAAAAA
Hundreds of Long Patrol Hares: And we're here too! EULALIA!
*20 minutes later*
Arven: Huzzah, we have won the battle! Damug Warfang is no more but Lady Cregga is badly hurt, let's take her to Redwall!
*Even later*
Cregga: Dear me, I've lost my eyesight, and the Bloodwrath has been extinguished. Guess I'll stay here at Redwall and train this baby badger Russano to be the next Badger Lord who won't have any significant roles in any of the next books except to be a cop out at the end of a story two chronological books from now.
Tansy: We've suffered a heavy loss but at least the evil invading Mossflower has been vanquished forever! …. Definitely.
Tammo: And Pasque and I have decided to get married!
All: Yay!
*Many seasons™ later*
Russano: I'm grown up now. Hey kids wanna hear about Brocktree?
THE END