When Amanda walked into the kitchen dressed for work, Olivia took one look in her deep blue eyes and knew that it was going to be a long day. The blonde was clearly feeling insecure as her inner 'big girl' and 'little girl' battled for dominance. 'Big girl' Amanda was anxious and wanted to go to work and prove her worth. Little Mandy was afraid and just wanted Mama to dote on her and never leave her side. Olivia debated whether it was even worth trying to get Amanda out the door in the first place or if she should give the blonde the day off to decompress. The problem was that Olivia couldn't take the day off to be with her and she knew instinctively that Amanda wasn't going to let her out of her sight. Olivia smiled and handed Amanda a cup of coffee, debating if even giving her little love caffeine was a bad idea.
"Morning, baby girl." Olivia kissed Amanda's forehead.
"Morning, Ma- uh, Li- um… morning." Amanda blushed.
"You can call me whatever's most comfortable for you, sweetie, you know that. Come sit down, honey." Olivia pulled out a chair from the table.
Amanda obediently sat down on the chair. Olivia squatted down in front of her and lovingly took Amanda's hands in her own. Amanda squeezed Olivia's hands.
"Is the world a little bit too scary today, sweetheart?" Olivia asked gently.
Amanda nodded, blinking back tears.
"Okay, so we have two options. I can't stay home with you today, but you can take the day off if you want to." Olivia suggested.
"No, please! Please don't leave me!" Amanda pleaded fearfully.
"Shhhhhhhhhhh. It's okay, sweetie. We don't have to do that, it was just a thought. The other option is that if you want to go to work, you'll stay at your desk. You can answer the phone, and I have a mountain of paperwork I could use your help with. We'll let Kat and the boys do the heavy lifting today. How does that sound?"
"That's fine. I'll stay at my desk. Just don't leave me." Amanda whimpered.
"Never, my angel." Olivia promised. She mentally kicked herself for letting Amanda go visit her family for the weekend alone. She should have known it wasn't going to end well.
"Mama, can I have a kiss?" Amanda asked timidly, afraid of being rejected.
In response, Olivia tenderly kissed Amanda's forehead and temple several times.
"All better for now?" Olivia smiled kindly.
"Yes, Mama. Thank you." Amanda smiled.
When they arrived in the squadroom, Olivia sent Amanda to her desk and started her on some paperwork. She informed the others that Amanda was on desk duty and therefore wouldn't be joining them while they were out and about in the city. The other three detectives were oblivious to the situation, knowing better than to question their Captain's decisions. They just assumed that Amanda had crossed a line somehow and was being disciplined. They had all been there before.
An officer handed Olivia a small stack of files and the brunette detective sighed, turning to walk into her office to start reading through them. Amanda watched with wide, horrified eyes. In her mind, her Mama was leaving her and was never coming back.
"You okay, Amanda?" Fin noticed the look on Amanda's face.
"OLIVIA!" Amanda yelled across the squadroom, jumping up from her desk and practically running toward Olivia's office.
"What?" Olivia nearly jumped out of her skin.
"Don't leave me." Amanda begged quietly, her deep blue eyes full of fear.
"I'm right here, honey, I'm not leaving you, I promise, but I have to go into my office to work. Remember, there's a window right there, so you can look up anytime you want and see me. Take a deep breath and go back to your desk." Olivia also spoke quietly.
Throughout the morning, Amanda kept looking up into Olivia's office to check that she was still there and kept getting up from her desk to go into Olivia's office to ask her questions, and when Olivia was called down to the M.E.'s office, she had to take Amanda with her. By the time lunch rolled around, Olivia was convinced that she should have figured out some way to take the day off with Amanda. Amanda was able to be professional on the phone and all of the paperwork she'd been assigned was being completed perfectly, so Olivia had no complaints about the quality of her work, but she was extremely worried about her beloved little girl. The other detectives were oblivious to what was happening in Amanda's tortured mind, the struggle for power between 'big' and 'little'. Olivia had had enough of watching her baby struggle and was going to do something about it.
"Fin, Amanda and I are clocking out early today. Hold down the fort." Olivia instructed.
"Copy that, Captain." Fin agreed.
Amanda tried not to look surprised and attempted to look casual, as if she'd known all along that they would be leaving work early. As the two of them walked out of the squadroom, Olivia took Amanda's hand and squeezed it supportively, letting Amanda cling to her hand as they walked to the elevator. Alone in the elevator, Olivia wrapped an arm around Amanda and held her close to her.
"Mama is so proud of you, baby." Olivia praised lovingly.
"Why? I let everybody down." Amanda looked genuinely perplexed. In her mind, she had failed. All she had to do was come to work like a big girl, and she had failed.
"No, you didn't, my love. You tried to do something you weren't ready for, and it's okay that you weren't ready. It doesn't make you weak or worthless, it just makes you human." Olivia said kindly, knowing exactly what was going on in Amanda's mind.
Once they were home, Olivia took Amanda to her room where she stripped the blonde out of her work clothes, guided her to lie back on the bed, and changed her into a diaper and a cozy pair of pajamas. Amanda's body instantly relaxed, feeling the safety of the diaper around her body, although she still looked anxious and fearful. Amanda reached over and popped her pacifier into her mouth, clutching Erica in her arms.
"That's Mama's good girl." Olivia cooed lovingly.
Although she was in the safety of her own home, Amanda continued to watch Mama like a hawk, becoming fearful and bursting into tears if she tried to step out of whatever room they happened to be in.
"Oh, sweetheart." Olivia cooed, scooping her sobbing little girl into her arms for the third or fourth time, her heart breaking for her baby girl. She carried Amanda into her room and curled up with her on the bed, tenderly cuddling her.
"Mama, I think I need help." Amanda whimpered.
Olivia kissed Amanda's forehead, knowing exactly what Amanda was asking for. Very gently, she guided Amanda across her lap. Amanda settled over Mama's lap comfortably, still holding her doll. Mama gently pulled down her pants and diaper and began to pepper her bottom with lightly stinging spanks. Amanda felt oddly safe and secure over Mama's lap being gently spanked and her body gradually began to relax.
"That's Mama's good girl. Just relax, little one. Mama's here." Olivia cooed.
Amanda sniffled as her bottom was spanked pink, and gradually began to turn red, thinking about her trip home and how awful it had been without Mama there with her. At least when Mama was around they were on somewhat decent behavior, and when they weren't Mama had no problem putting them in their place.
"Mama, why doesn't my mom love me?" Amanda whimpered.
"I think she does, sweetie, I think she just doesn't know how to show you." Olivia replied as she continued to spank Amanda. The brunette detective thought very little of Beth Anne Rollins, but wasn't about to say so in front of her little girl.
When Amanda was crying freely and the little one was lying limp across Mama's lap, Mama scooped her up to cuddle her close.
"But I don't understand why you're so different than she is. Even the way you punish me feels different, it's not as scary." Amanda said through her tears, resting against Mama's chest while Mama's gentle hand rubbed her bottom to soothe the sting.
"Well, that's a good thing, princess. When you need to be punished, it's supposed to teach you a lesson, but it's not supposed to make you feel worthless. Just because you make mistakes doesn't mean you aren't a good girl. You're a very good girl." Mama explained kindly.
"I wish she felt that way. She doesn't even like me. She always doted on my sister, but not me. This one time, I broke a vase…"
Olivia sat with Amanda cuddled in her arms and patiently listened to all the things Amanda wanted to tell her. She was confident that with time, patience, and lots of love, Amanda would heal.