Todestrieb, an artemis fowl fanfic

AN:

content warning: though not graphic, this fic talks about mature themes related to suicidal ideation, particularly within the context of how risking one's life in hopes of redemption can be construed as a form of suicidal behavior.

also to explain the title (pulling this from wiki because it is like 3 am): "In classical Freudian psychoanalytic theory, the death drive (German: Todestrieb) is the drive toward death and destruction, often expressed through behaviors such as aggression, repetition compulsion, and self-destructiveness."

"Do you remember what I said to you?" said Artemis, touching his own forehead.

"I remember," said Holly. "But…"

There was no more time for questions. The green mist was sucked backward into the Berserker Gate as though drawn by a vacuum. For a moment Artemis was left standing, unharmed, and Butler dropped Holly to rush to his charge's side. Then Artemis's fairy eye glowed green, and by the time Butler caught the falling boy in his arms, Artemis Fowl's body was already dead.

As it turned out, there was a spark left in the defibrillator.

When Artemis Fowl came coughing back to life, the first thing he noticed was how he couldn't gauge the distance between where he was laying and the chair on which Butler was sleeping. The way his bodyguard's eyes snapped open at the disturbance seemed somehow alien to Artemis, further — though it soon dawned on him what was causing the effect.

He was blind.

Or half-blind, rather — blind in the eye he'd stolen from Holly when they'd hurtled back to Earth from Hybras.

Butler's hand covered his own before Artemis could shakingly reach to touch the space on his cheek just below his eyelashes.

"Artemis," Butler said haltingly, the emotion in his voice causing it to shake.

Artemis closed his eyes so that he wouldn't have to look at the man.

"I told you that my plan would work, Butler," Artemis replied evenly, concealing the sound of the thickness building in his throat. "I always succeed in the end, don't I? We ought find comfort in those statistics."

Butler remained silent, and the tension in the room grew to be oppressive. Reluctantly, Artemis opened his eyes.

He screwed them shut again, however, when he saw Butler was cradling his head in his hands. Whether Artemis did so to give Butler privacy in his distress, or whether he did so to avoid seeing Butler in such a moment of weakness, he did not know.

"This—" a shudder racked Butler's voice, and the man took a second to compose himself. "You know what this looks like, Artemis."

Artemis let out a hoarse chuckle. "Am I in that terrible of a condition?"

A beat passed.

"Domovoi," Artemis said gently, opening his eyes again. Although his strength was still shot, he managed to reach out to place a hand on Butler's arm, which caused the man to inhale sharply.

"I've seen you bleed out after taking a bullet for me, Domovoi," Artemis chided, though his tone wasn't unkind. "If you'll forgive me for today, then I think we can call it even."

Butler wiped his eyes brusquely, looking Artemis dead on. "Argon was wrong to release you."

A laugh bubbled up within Artemis, though it died on his lips when he saw Butler's expression.

"I—" Artemis tried, unsure. "Are you implying— either Holly or I had to go after Opal. As a human, I had to best chance of escaping after the Gate closed. Dealing with the People brings with it inherent risk, and this was not the first time my life has been imperiled. If we hadn't stopped Opal, then we wouldn't even be having this conversation, moreover—"

Butler held up a hand, his eyes shining again.

Artemis tried to sit up. "Do you know what I thought when I believed I was going to escape the barrier?"

He didn't wait for a response."I thought: 'It worked. Everything will be different now. A new world with humans and fairies living together. I could be an ambassador, even.'"

"Just stop, Artemis," Butler said, weary. "You're brilliant—"

"—Thank you."

Butler gave him a warning look, the lines on his face deepening. "Artemis. I'm not going to sit here and let you run verbal laps around me. I'm sure that given enough time, you could whittle away my concerns so that I leave this room thinking, 'Well, he's right — we really did get lucky, didn't we? Thank goodness for his plan .'"

The final two words were delivered with dripping sarcasm.

Artemis let his lip curl in derision. "Fine. If you want to be like that: how is what I did any different than what you do each and every day in my employ?"

Butler snorted. "I do not wake up each day and think that you're going to get me killed."

"You are twisting the facts to suit your agenda," Artemis snapped. "I almost died. I should be resting, and instead you're… you're implying that—"

"A martyr complex and suicidal tendencies aren't all that different, Artemis," Butler insinuated. "The former is just viewed more positively due to the way its outcome can 'serve a greater purpose'." He put up quotations around the final statement.

Artemis laid back down, resolutely fixing his gaze on the ceiling. "I ought to rest. You're dismissed for now, Butler."

"I've failed as your bodyguard."

"No, you have most certainly not," Artemis said quietly.

"I read the note."

"Will. It was a will."

Butler sighed. "You left me the dojo. And asked me to look after your surviving family members."

"Technically, it's still mine," Artemis intoned. "'Should he survive for forty-eight hours after the date of writing, this will becomes null and void and shall have no legal weight in any court, human or fairy.'"

"Artemis Fowl."

"May we at least leave this conversation for tomorrow?" Artemis tried. "I'm exhausted. You also look like you're about to fall asleep on your feet. I… promise we will talk further about the matter. But we both need rest."

There was a pause. Butler seemed to be struggling with something, though he'd managed to get his expression under control once more. In his lap, his fingers trembled, and he settled for lacing them together.

"Your heart isn't an enemy I can protect you from," he murmured, letting his hands rest on his lap. "I know I'm being selfish by pushing."

Butler glanced at the ceiling, refusing to look at Artemis. "I cannot go through another Hybras."

"Have you informed my parents?"

A wry smile played across Butler's lips. "Ah. You understood my implication, then."

"I've believed them both to be lost to me before. I would not knowingly subject them — or you —to the pain of erroneously believing me to be dead."

"Losing a child is…" Butler faltered. "It's different than losing a parent. It feels like it should be impossible — it's just fundamentally wrong.

"I was prescribed sleeping pills," he added. "Never told you that, but I was. When I was in Duncade, I had to take… I took about half a pill before bed each night.

"I didn't explain that very well," he confessed. "I don't think I can, however. It's too heavy of a feeling."

Artemis licked his lips, his mouth dry. "I understand the sentiment, my friend. To live when you have resigned yourself to death is almost indescribable."

Butler went very still, studying Artemis wordlessly.

Artemis continued. "The experience changes how you pass through the world for days, weeks, even months after. Everything is just so much more — when you are anxious, the thought of how you expected to never again have to wade through hardship flits through your mind, and when you are happy, it doesn't so much feel like an affirmation that you were lucky to survive, so much as it feels like you're indulging in something to which you forfeited the right. Perhaps this strangeness has to do with the fact that for a brief moment, you only had to deal with one potential future: the end of the road."

Pursing his lips, Butler flexed his fingers, tension radiating off of him in waves. "Then I was right. Argon didn't help," he noted.

Artemis tilted his head in thought. "He did and he didn't. For the parts of my psyche that were damaged by exposure to magic as a non-magic entity, he was useful. For the parts of my psyche that were in turmoil long before I stole Holly's magic, he was not equipped to help me — not did I give him the opportunity to try."

"That's... unusually honest for you."

"You feel like you've failed me," Artemis replied, swallowing the lump that threatened to lodge itself in his throat. "I assure you that there is nothing farther from the truth."

Butler closed his eyes. "If I were a better man, I would have quit after the Fowl Star sank."

"Would we have gone to live in Duncade?" Artemis smiled.

"Don't mock me."

"You know that I wasn't."

"I know," Butler exhaled shakily. "I know."

I hope this was successful in like... its discussion of what talking about suicidal ideation with a parent is like. Some of the content in here is likely universal to that experience, but I drew from my personal life to inform how I approached the subject, and I just hope that was enough to ensure this was suitably respectful about a topic that requires such care to approach.

Also, at the risk of sounding twee: if you've gone through or are going through similar struggles, I urge you to talk to both trusted loved ones and a therapist. I've had plenty of shit therapists who were not equipped to help out, but I've also had breakthroughs with therapists well suited to my needs. If one doesn't fit, there will be another who will.

bits i took from book 8/artemis' will:

"Do you remember what I said to you?" said Artemis, touching his own forehead.

"I remember," said Holly. "But…"

It worked. Everything will be different now. A new world with humans and fairies living together. I could be an ambassador, even.'

'Should he survive for forty-eight hours after the date of writing, this will becomes null and void and shall have no legal weight in any court, human or fairy.'

And at risk of undermining the impact of the ending by giving it a happy bent: they do go live at Duncade, and Juliet lives there during her off season. Artemis becomes an ambassador, and the closest he gets to leaving on a research trip to Mars is setting up an observatory by the cliffs by the sea. Holly finally gets around to seeing her friends outside of 'save the world' business, too.