Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn't've)?
I.
February 16th 1977, Gryffindor Common Room.
Sirius was usually all for late night games in the Common Room. Most of their truth or dare sessions ended with someone daring Peter to run along the corridors in nothing but his briefs, or a pink-faced Remus admitting he didn't actually like chocolate (Nah, Sirius had just made that up). So it wasn't surprising that he had advocated for them to play at first.
After a dreadful prank gone wrong involving one too many Slytherin prefects and exploding toilets, Sirius and James had ended up spending their evening scrubbing toilets with toothbrushes to satisfy McGonagall's sadistic detention demands. James had Marauder-sworn those toilets would overflow slowly, not actually explode into the corridor scaring half the portraits into hiding. By the time McGonagall and Slughorn had been summoned, the Second-Years were already spreading rumours of The Squid moving into the Slytherin Common Room.
When James and Sirius finally collapsed in the largest armchair hours after dinner had ended, James knew exactly how to cheer Sirius up. With a quick grin to his partner in crime, James marched on to the coffee table at the center of the Common Room and cleared his throat. Oh, how naive Sirius had been. How innocent and unscarred by the despicable game of Truth or Dare.
"Attention ladies and germs! This evening's rounds of embarrassment and casualties are now commencing! Keep your knickers fastened and your mouths wagging!"
If only Sirius had known how terrible the night would end.
Peter and Lily abandoned their amateur chess game, Peter a bit more reluctantly - he was finally winning. Remus and Mary stopped looking into each other's eyes soulfully and reciting Shakes Ear - or whatever his name was - and reluctantly untangled themselves from the loveseat. They all scraped their armchairs closer to the coffee table. It wasn't beyond Sirius when Lily scooted her chair ever so closely to James so their arms were a dangerous inch apart. Lily said she was just hanging out with them because she was friends with Remus and Mary, but between James' near permanent grin and Lily's newfound interest in Quidditch, Sirius had his doubts.
"Truth or Dare!" Peter shouted and the games were off.
They went through some basic truth or dares like singing God Save the Queen while doing a handstand and admitting the name of your first crush. Sirius was stifling yawns. He was itching for some real mischief. No one had blushed deep crimson or made out with a broomstick yet.
"Mary!" Sirius shouted, interrupting the residual clapping from Lily's yodeling debut. Mary raised her eyebrows uncertainly at him as Sirius smirked wickedly at her. "Truth or Dare?"
She considered him a moment and frowned.
"Truth."
Sirius tutted. "Wrong answer."
"Maybe I've got nothing to hide," Mary said, matching his smirk.
Sirius smirked even wider and raised his eyebrows at Remus, who was glaring at him. This only spurred him on.
"What was your first sexual experience?"
Remus instantly put his arm around Mary protectively and frowned. James batted Sirius' arm.
"Oi!"
Mary was surprisingly cool. Sirius had only ever known her as Remus' quiet Potions partner and was a bit taken aback when she rolled her blue eyes and leaned back in her armchair casually.
"It's fine guys," she said, pushing her blonde hair back and smiling. "I don't mind answering."
Remus kept his hand firmly planted around Mary's small frame.
It wasn't that Sirius didn't like Mary. He'd known her for years as the quiet Gryffindor girl he sat beside in lessons. She always had a spare quill, had ambitions to be an Auror and did a surprisingly accurate imitation of Professor Slughorn. Sirius had no issue with her until she started hanging around Remus a lot more. Something about her small arms around his friend's waist and her high-pitched laugh ignited a strong hatred in the pit of his belly.
Sirius didn't think Mary was a good match for Remus. They were both quiet and studious. They could spend days in the library if Madame Pince didn't kick them out. Remus needed someone who could get him out of his shell and make him live a little.
Besides, Mary didn't know about Remus' furry little problem, so in Sirius' eyes she couldn't be trusted. But what could he do about it? Mary tagged along to every Hogsmeade visit, ate lunch with them and sat with Remus in almost every class. She made him happy, and didn't Remus deserve to be happy after everything he had gone through?
"I guess I'm a late bloomer, but my first sexual experience was snogging Remus in the sixth floor broom closet."
Sirius almost rolled his eyes as Mary grinned at Remus, who was blushing profusely. As if he needed that mental image in his mind.
"Alright..." Remus said loudly, clapping his hands together loudly, trying not to look too embarrassed. "Who's next?"
"Peter maybe you'd-"
"Hold on!" Mary said, cutting Lily off. "I'd like to ask Sirius a question."
She turned to Sirius and raised an eyebrow in question. He couldn't help but split into a smile and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. There was nothing he liked more than healthy competition.
"Truth or Dare?"
"Truth, obviously." Sirius splayed his arms to the side. "I've got nothing to hide."
Mary smirked confidently, but Sirius knew he was an open book. He couldn't lose by picking truth. At least he wouldn't be bursting atop the Astronomy Tower singing in a foreign language (which had previously happened to him in an all-nighter game on Christmas Eve of '75). He thought his rendition of 'Non, je ne regrette rien' had been passionate and profound, but apparently all the portraits within a one mile radius disagreed.
"Have you ever kissed anyone in this group?"
Sirius jerked his head back before bursting out laughing.
"Merlin, no!"
Between all five of them and a Blast-Ended Skrewt, Sirius had more chances of shacking up with Mrs. Skrewt. Before he could make a joke about him and Lily finally being found out - honestly was Mary out of her mind - Sirius felt the familiar tingling on his face of someone staring at him. He turned to see wide green eyes staring at him in disbelief. Sirius froze, his stomach dropping as realization hit. He had seen the same wide green eyes staring at him in disbelief years ago.
Among the subsiding laughter, James frowned.
"Wait! But didn't you and Moony kiss in fourth year? At that ridiculous Quidditch after-party? Half the school was completely pissed."
Sirius really wished James had never said that. He wished Mary had never asked that. He wished he'd never been so stupid to pick on her in the first place. He wished he hadn't ever heard of the game Truth or Dare.
It was mortifying enough for him to uncover that suppressed memory, but to unveil in front of all his friends? Sirius wanted to throw up.
Mary looked the most shocked out of the whole group. Instead of her eyes widening in confusion like Peter and Lily, she was frowning at Sirius suspiciously. He had to say something, anything, before he decided to undertake a nomadic lifestyle in the Forbidden Forest. In what could only be described as life-saving quick wit, Sirius plastered on a fake smile and shrugged carelessly.
"I was so smashed I thought Moony was Rosie O'Donovan."
The tension in the room snapped at his off-handed comment. Peter broke into a fit of laughter and soon everyone joined in reluctantly. Remus caught his eye, as stony-faced and unreadable as ever. Sirius shrugged and quickly looked away.
It was Sirius' first kiss. And his first drink. He could blame it on the fact that he was pissed out of his mind, or that it was dark, but either way, Sirius had leaned over ever so slightly and planted his lips lightly on Remus'.
Remus had been smiling on his arm the whole night - even if he was taller - looking so comfortable and happy. He laughed every time Sirius told a terrible joke or sang along to the music. It had been just a short peck on the lips, and they'd broken apart quickly afterwards, wide-eyed. Sirius had ruffled Remus' hair affectionately before they both burst out in a fit of laughter and forgot the whole thing. Maybe it had been slightly weirder the following week, but running around together as dogs during the full moon quickly healed any strains in their friendship.
At that age, Sirius wasn't aware of all his feelings. It wasn't until recently that Sirius had started to notice Moony in a new light. How he smiled or bit his lips while reading and folded his pyjamas every morning and how his eyes sparkled at the sight of Honeydukes and always, always, always smiled at Sirius after a full moon. Moony could be laying still and pale in the Hospital Wing, but at the sight of Sirius, a faint smile would blossom on his face and Sirius felt like the only person in the room.
But Sirius couldn't bloody well tell James about it, like he did with all his other problems. Sirius had almost lost all his friends after The Incident last year, and he'd vowed never to do anything that could jeopardize his friendships. James would never look at him the same if he found out. So Sirius was reduced to a miserable pile of one-sided flirtations and secret ogling.
"Alright, I think we should call it a night," James declared after Peter lowered his foot from his ear.
Everyone said their goodbyes - James and Lily blushing a bit more - and Sirius tried not to notice Remus walking Mary to the girls dormitories. They were almost a foot apart in height, so Remus had to bow his head to kiss her goodnight.
Sirius sighed and marched up the stairs to the boys dormitory, trying to remind himself how Remus deserved to be happy with Mary. When he arrived at his dorm, he flopped onto his bed and hoped that his friends would stay downstairs for a few minutes. It had been a long day. He put on his pyjamas - a batman t-shirt he got in Muggle London and striped green pyjama bottoms - and sat up against his sideboard. The door slammed open and Peter walked in. He stopped abruptly as he saw Sirius but then headed to his chest and got out his pyjamas.
"So I guess we're officially the bachelors of the group," Peter said with a forced grin. Lily and James were still downstairs.
"Hmm."
Sirius was glad when Peter went to brush his teeth in the bathroom. He and Peter were the least close among the Marauders. James and Peter had been friends since day one, Remus and Peter were sometimes the outsiders to James and Sirius, but Peter and Sirius had never been particularly close. Peter was fine. He was funny and could come up with great pranks, but he was the last person Sirius wanted to talk to at that moment.
"So you and Moony, huh?" Peter said, emerging from the bathroom. "Never knew."
Sirius felt like throwing his pillow across the room and breaking the ridiculous Chudley Cannons mug Peter kept on his night stand. Instead, he forced on a lazy smirk.
"Not my proudest moments."
The door swung open again and a very red Remus followed by a smirking James walked into the dorm. Remus quickly magicked his striped red pyjamas on and slid into his bed, closing his curtains behind him. Sirius frowned at James and mouthed 'what?'. James smirked even wider. Merlin, his friends could be aggravating. He only hoped Remus and James hadn't been talking about him, or worse, him and Remus.
Sirius stared at his canopy as the dorm grew dark and quiet. He tried closing his eyes and shifting into various positions, but he kept opening his eyes frustratingly, annoyed by the heavy breathing in the bed next to his.
February 25th 1977, The Great Hall.
The ceiling of the Great Hall was marred by dark grey clouds and heavy rain, casting long gloomy shadows over the four house tables. Among the boisterous Gryffindors celebrating the end of the week sat Sirius Black, stewing over his lunch alone.
It had been a very bad week.
Things between him and Remus were shaky at best. Whenever they were alone together, they stumbled through awkward small talk before finding any excuse to leave. It hadn't helped when Sirius had found Remus and Mary cozying up in the dorms earlier that morning. Everyone had turned red and stammered something incoherent before Sirius backed out as quickly as possible.
He'd thought a bit of lunch might cheer him up, but every one of his other mates was busy. Peter had wandered off mumbling something about a last minute essay while James had been missing since breakfast. He was probably skiving off with Lily. Sirius sighed. He almost wished it was the full moon so they could be together. No girls, no human problems, just playing in the woods. Of course, he immediately felt guilty when he thought of Remus lying in the Hospital Wing.
"Oi! Black!"
Marlene McKinnon stormed down the Gryffindor Table, her dark hair flowing behind her like a cape and her even darker eyes narrowing in on Sirius. Marlene was a very spirited girl with a loud laugh and a tumultuous approach to life. They had dated for a few months at the end of Fourth Year - a fun, passionate and short relationship - and had remained friends ever since.
"You better 'ave a bloody good excuse for 'avin' stood me up." Marlene sat down on the bench across from Sirius, glaring at him as she filled her bowl with chunky soup.
Sirius was not in his right mind to deal with Marlene. "What are you on about?"
Marlene's eyes widened. She started aggressively buttering a slice of bread.
"I dunno why I'm mates wif you if ya can't even remember our plans." Sirius still looked confused and Marlene rolled her eyes. "To finish our Potions essay."
Sirius cringed, remembering how he'd promised to meet her during his free period.
"Blokes. Useless, the lot of ya."
In his defense, Sirius had been extremely rattled by the morning's events.
"Marlene, I am so sorry. I completely forgot."
"Oh, piss off," Marlene grinned, not a trace of bitterness in her voice.
"How can I make it up to you?"
"Famous last words," Marlene tutted. She bit off a large piece of bread and smiled. "You can finish the essay."
Sirius nodded. "That's fair."
He sighed and returned morosely to his soup.
"You alright?" She asked between mouthfuls of bread.
"Oh you know me," he muttered. "Bloody brilliant."
"I do know you," Marlene said. "You're crap at hidin' your feelins."
If only she knew, Sirius thought bitterly.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
Marlene was a good friend, she had even been his only friend for awhile, after The Incident. He loved her to bits, but he couldn't even consider telling her what was bothering him. What was the point? If he did tell her, and by some miracle she was okay with it, all she could do was comfort him. He settled for a half-truth.
"I'm having a bit of a row with one of my mates."
Marlene smiled sympathetically. "Is it Remus? You two seem a bit distant lately."
Sirius was alarmed she'd picked it up so easily. Surely if Marlene could pick up on their rift, James and Peter were bound to know. Was it that obvious?
"You shouldn't worry about it," Marlene said. "You Marauders always find a way back togever."
Sirius looked up at Marlene and smiled for the first time that day. She really was a great mate. Not too hard on the eyes either, Sirius noted. He grinned and placed his hand over hers on the table. She snorted and raised an eyebrow.
"What are you doing next Hogsmeade weekend?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Marlene rolled her eyes and swiped her hand back. She'd been friends with Sirius for too long to be surprised by his... alternative sense of humour.
"Not a chance Black. Been down that paf before, 'member?"
"How could I forget?" Sirius said, smirking at Marlene wickedly. She gave him a dark glare before grabbing another slice of bread to butter.
Sirius was in a much better mood. That's why he loved hanging out with Marlene. She had the exceptional power of making him feel like himself again. And she was right. They were Marauders, no matter how much they fought, they always went back to being mates. Whatever was happening between him and Remus would be over in a few days and everything would go back to normal.
"Hi Marlene."
Remus sat down beside Marlene and gave her a small smile. He quickly nodded at Sirius before reaching for the plate of sandwiches. Marlene raised an eyebrow lightly, but Sirius ignored it. He was finally feeling better. He just wanted it to last.
"Oi! Shift it Black!"
James tumbled down beside Sirius, knocking him in the shoulder and grinning like a loon. Merlin, he was asking for it. Sirius shoved him back playfully. Marlene snorted.
"Honestly," she said. "You two be'ave like a pack of pups."
James grinned wildly at Sirius. His usual messy hair was standing up on edge from the play fighting and his eyes were open wide. He looked absolutely mad. Sirius couldn't help it. He burst out laughing.
"How interesting that you mention that," Sirius said, wagging his eyebrows in between laughs.
James was clutching at his sides wheezing and Marlene was looking at them with mild concern. Even Remus was hiding a grin behind his sandwich, trying not to look anyone in the eye. Peter interrupted the laughter and sidled onto the bench beside James, looking around worriedly at his friends.
"What did I miss?"
Marlene - the only one left standing - shrugged. She didn't like being on the outside of an inside joke.
"I didn't see you at the study group," James said to Peter, as the giggles died down. "Did Professor Sinistra make you clean the telescopes again?"
"You went to a study group?" Sirius said, incredulous.
"Hush, child."
James turned back towards Peter who shrugged.
"I was just busy," Peter said, taking a large sip from his goblet of pumpkin juice.
"I can't believe you willingly went to a study group," Sirius said, shaking his head. He smirked. "I bet Lily dragged you along, didn't she?"
James rolled his eyes. "No, she didn't you sensitive git." He frowned. And started sniffing the air around Peter.
"Wormy... have you been near the Hufflepuff Common Room? You reek of gillyweed."
Sirius started sniffing loudly too. He could definitely smell it. Peter grinned. His eyes had a slightly dazed look about them and his hair seemed a bit messier than usual. James gave him a congratulatory punch and Peter almost slid off the bench. He sat up with a dopey grin that set James off in another howl of laughter.
"I better head back to the Common Room," Remus said.
"Ah but Moony, there's only fifteen minutes left to lunch," James said.
"Exactly. I really have to finish my Charms essay. Sorry James."
They all watched Remus walk down the Great Hall in silence. He wasn't fooling anyone, that Charms essay had been sitting on his desk, completed, for the past two days. Remus was particular about his work, maybe even a bit of a perfectionist, but Sirius thought this was just-
"What's up with him?" Peter asked, inhaling his ham sandwich.
James and Marlene turned to Sirius so quickly he almost choked on his pumpkin juice.
"W-What?!" He spluttered.
James raised an eyebrow. "Oh come on Padfoot, we're not blind."
"Are they having a row?" Peter asked, looking between Marlene and James.
"Oi! Still here mate!"
"Yes," they both said in unison.
Sirius grumbled. As much as he hated being talked about in the third person, his mates had a point.
"What do you want me to say?" He whined defensively. "He clearly doesn't want to talk to me."
Marlene scoffed. "How do you know? You 'aven't even tried talkin' to 'im."
They were right. Of course they were right. Sirius just didn't want them to be right. He hated confrontations. Especially when they involved a very irritated werewolf who couldn't stand being in the same room as him, let alone talk to him.
"Listen Padfoot. You can't let this... whatever's going on between the two of you affect your friendship. We've only got a year left at school. I don't want your silly row to take up any time the Marauders have left together."
Bloody hell. He couldn't possibly argue with that. Especially when James was giving him his Bambi eyes. He sighed and nodded. Honestly, the things he did for his mates.
"Alright," he said. "I'll go talk to him."
"Break a leg," Marlene quipped.
"What?!"
"Oh nothing," she sighed, waving a hand. "Muggle expression."
Sirius marched down the Great Hall to the Common Room, his heartbeat ringing in his ears. He had no idea what he could say to Moony. Merlin, he didn't even know what he was so moody about. What if it wasn't even about Sirius? He'd look like a complete idiot prattling on about the importance of friendship and whatever else James and Marlene had been rambling on about.
Oh, that was good. He could say James and Marlene wanted him to see what was wrong. It wasn't even a lie.
Of course, Sirius could also tell the truth. Maybe not the whole ugly I've-fancied-you-for-two-years truth, but a slightly more digestible version of the truth. Perhaps a I-think-I-might-maybe-not-fancy-you-but-not-really version of the truth? Surely Remus would understand. He was the sensible, compassionate listener type. If anyone would understand, it would be him.
Sirius shook his head. He didn't even know why he was considering the truth. If he'd learn anything from his parents, it was that the people you love don't always act the way you think they will. He'd learned that lesson the hard way.
Sirius arrived in their dorm to find Remus reading a large leather bound tome at his desk. His light brown hair covered most of his face from view except for a small end of Remus' skinny nose. He reached out his pale scarred hand and licked his thumb before turning a page. Sirius found this practice categorically revolting, but when Remus did it, a nervous flutter erupted in his chest.
Remus lifted his head up as the door slammed shut and pursed his lips when he saw Sirius. Not off to a good start.
"Hey Moony," he said, staring at his messy bed. He couldn't look at Remus too long without his mind going blank. He had no idea what to do with his hands. Put them in his pockets? On his hips? In the end, Sirius settled on leaning against the door with his arms folded against his chest. He just hoped he didn't look like an awkward prat.
"Listen Moony-"
"What's-"
Sirius and Remus grinned at each before Sirius looked away, trying not to blush. Merlin, this was going to be more difficult than he thought. He started with the basics. That was the most important part after all.
"We're fine, right?" Sirius asked, motioning between them. "Everything between us is fine, right?"
Remus closed his book and turned towards Sirius. He sighed and forced on a small smile.
"Of course we are," Remus said. He shook his head. "I'm sorry I've been so strange lately, I had a row with Mary earlier. I guess... it's affecting me more than I thought."
Remus looked so genuinely upset that Sirius tried to be sympathetic. He tried not to feel guilty about the fluttering in his chest.
"Sorry mate."
"It's fine," Remus muttered, his eyes fixed on his book.
"Do you want to head down to Charms?" Sirius asked, hoping to cheer Moony up. It had the desired effect. Remus' face perked up and a grin formed on his lips. He would never understand his friend's love for lessons, but he sure was glad for it now. They grabbed their textbooks and left their dormitory.
"So what's this big birthday bash you've been planning for me?" Remus quipped as they walked down the corridor side by side.
"Oh, you wanted a party?" Sirius frowned. He shrugged. "Should've asked."
Remus shoved Sirius lightly and smiled. "Git."
They continued their banter all the way to Charms, where James and Peter were surprised to find their two best friends reconciled.
Sirius didn't learn anything in Charms that day, but he could hardly care. He was too busy smiling as he imagined Moony's sparkling green eyes. He didn't even feel guilty about the fluttering in his chest when Remus sat beside Peter and not Mary. Finally, Sirius had his friend back.