Not mine, no money for me! All hail Dick Wolfe.
A Thousand Words
By Katsume
M rating for now, only because I don't know where I'm going with it.
Time is a funny thing. Sometimes it zips by and sometimes its slow. Sometimes it softens the memory and sometimes it sharpens it, and sometimes it stops. Some perfect moments are held in a crystalline stillness that you can see from every angle and just savor and each time you replay them you can recapture that moment and that perfection. It is the same with the horrific ones, holding you hostage as you replay an eternity of shock or terror. Of course, time doesn't truly still, or slow, or race, it's just a perception. However, at this moment, as I stare at my old partner, I am frozen. I am trapped infinestimally in the moment, not by the tragedy surrounding me but by the sheer wonder of her face. I can see it in her as well, two hearts recognizing each other after ten long years.
The moment shifts, broken by movement and sound and suddenly the reality of it plays out and I remember what is important in THIS moment, but I am distracted. I want to focus in and stay in that moment of recognition. I cannot.
And then it races again, fast forward. A glimpse, a breath… and I'm standing on the steps of my old precinct and time stops once more. Thoughts echo through my brain. Will I be strong enough, brave enough? Will time race with the beating of my heart or drag me back into the past and freeze me in the memories? What will be different? The same? Will she even be there? That's the question isn't it? Will SHE be there? And will she welcome me? I know she still works here. That she is now Captain of our old squad. That this is her house, but will SHE still be there. My friend, my partner… or would the years of silence have erased the woman I knew. I've missed so much…all because of time. I take a deep breath and step through the doors. It's time, my time. Time is not my friend or my enemy, it simply is. Like me. And now, it is time for a reckoning.
The elevator goes up and before I know it, the doors open. The hallway looks familiar, but that's about it. The doors to the squad room are different, and I walk through, the bustle feels familiar, but nothing else is. There is an officer at the door, and an actual break room. It's bright and open and filled with light and energy. I thought I would be overwhelmed by my last time here, but I have never been HERE.
And then I walk into her office and see her and it locks in place. Benson and Stabler… Stabler and Benson. Click…Click…Click. I hardly know what I say in the moment but as her eyes lock with mine there are a thousand words that fall into place, a way of speaking I had almost forgotten. And time, time seems to stand still or stretch out into hours with all that is said in those eyes.
"You hurt me."
"I'm sorry."
"You promised."
"I know."
"I miss you."
"I'm here now."
"Leave…don't leave. I don't know how to do this anymore."
"Forgive me."
"I… don't know if I can."
And then reality steps in and the noise of voices interrupts and forces me to break eye contact and time begins to flow once more.
A/N: I should be finishing Reflections, but I got distracted. I want to break this into a series of scenes, because damned if the eye contact in SVU 22/9 didn't kick my butt. Benson especially, her eyes always speak volumes, but Stabler as well. We know why Benson has learned to temper what she says and does, but we know nothing of Stabler really. And I really want to read that bloody letter! A special thanks to all the writers for all the fantastic reunion fics out there. You all inspire me. If you'd like to see more of this story please let me know. Thanks.